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 Great7Girl77
Joined: 12/12/2018
Msg: 1
Would you rather I lied about it?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've heard this multiple times on this site.
Not quite sure how to explain this but will give you some examples below.

I talked to a guy and find out that he does drugs. I tell him that this is not what I am looking for in a guy and hear in return "but at least I am honest about it."
I find out that a guy still lives with his ex and he tells me "would you rather I lied to you about it?" Huh? lol
A guy tells me about his criminal history before the meeting. I reject him. He asks me if I would rather not know about it? He proclaims to be too honest about this.

Mind you I've never met any of these guys. What I am asking I guess do people think as long as they are being totally honest, someone is obligated to give them a chance? You are honest - great! But are you supposed to get a brownie points because of it? Am I supposed to date a guy as long as he is honest about his issues even if he doesn't meet my requirements? Where is a logic in that?
 jerseynative7
Joined: 10/26/2018
Msg: 2
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/29/2019 9:55:23 AM
You arent obligated to meet anyone you dont feel comfortable meeting. Being honest is basic. Just like being nice. Those qualities arent extra.
 Great7Girl77
Joined: 12/12/2018
Msg: 3
Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/29/2019 10:10:34 AM

You arent obligated to meet anyone you dont feel comfortable meeting. Being honest is basic. Just like being nice. Those qualities arent extra.

My thoughts exactly. Just that some people think that I have to meet them just because they are being honest.
When I tell then no, they call me judgemental, lol.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 4
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/29/2019 10:19:08 AM
They're just using the 'at least I'm honest' clause to manipulate you.
So be honest right back and say 'No. We're not a match. Goodbye.'

(No thanks Mr (But I'm Honest About It) Murderer)

hahahahaha
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 5
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/29/2019 11:23:49 AM

just because they are being honest, that doesn't mean s*hit really


... A little bit of being honest might be good but, for anyone to express such shows a lack of understanding about interacting with people. Honesty should be an " internal " trait, not to be spoken of but just inherent. In other words, a good person may be fairly honest, but he ( she ) would very rarely discuss it , it's a given to a certain extent.

... In my opinion, the three most attractive / important traits of a possible suitor are intelligence, great sense of humor & reliability. Although I will be the first to admit, I have done things I am not proud of - does this mean I am a bad person ? No, I look at as a part of the human scale - I ain't even close to the top, but am not real near the bottom either.

... My motto is like the Allman Brothers songs lyric > " I ain't no saint, and you sure as h*ell ain't no savior - every other Christmas I practice good behavior, col .

... heart / sun ...
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 6
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/30/2019 4:47:36 PM
Me, they all would be history if I had any idea of any of those deal breakers.
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 7
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/30/2019 9:22:41 PM
You have every right to any deal breaker. Any. Same goes for the men out there. They, too, have the right to have any deal breaker.

Thank them for their honesty, but stick to your guns. In the long run you'll both be happier.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 8
Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/31/2019 7:14:14 AM
Yes..........honesty alone does not make someone a good catch. A man needs to bring more to the table than that.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 9
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/31/2019 7:48:16 AM

"would you rather I lied to you about it?"


I never used that line on anyone. Mainly because I was always up front with everyone. A few that did to me, the thought of-"What else are you lying about?" crosses my mind almost instantly. When I have to question their intentions, then they aren't worth having around.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 10
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/31/2019 8:02:55 AM
It's interesting to me that telling the truth has become a side note
in the normal discourse of human interaction. Not unlike someone
being nice or showing a kindess.

You see it all the time on facebook or in the news...OMG look this
guy stopped and helped me shovel my car out, or this guy bought
me a sammich and this other guy didn't punch me in the face when
I accidentally spilled coffee on him.

It used to be someone who did the OPPOSITE was considered worthy
of notice...now we notice and act surprised when someone is nice
or tells the truth without teleprompters.

Not sure when telling the truth of being honest became something you
only did when confronted.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 11
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/31/2019 2:02:08 PM
News flash: Nobody is ever completely honest. EVER. We don't run around spewing forth every thought in our head in an ever-running transfer of feelings and ideas. How people reveal themselves depends on a lot of things - but it is still a somewhat controlled process.
Comedian Larry Miller used to say, "If women truly knew how guys look at you... you would NEVER stop slapping us."

News flash: If you agree to be in an relationship, you ARE settling. The list of wants and desires and pseudo-needs of most relationship consumers nowadays is obscenely long and far too close to perfect to be humanly possible. We HAVE to concede a bit if we want to conceive - anything.


It used to be someone who did the OPPOSITE was considered worthy of notice...now we notice and act surprised when someone is nice or tells the truth without teleprompters.

The internet has put the kibosh on that. It really does not matter what side of truth something comes out to be - what matters - is that it is presented in a chaotic graphic presentation with dozens of video stock clips, overly dramatic music, and at least one scene that will make you cry. It's no wonder we are plagued with anxiety ailments - because all of this crap is force fed through every possible media outlet as a do-or-die, all-or-nothing, if-you-are-not-with-us-you-are-against-us format. The news is not enough - there HAS to be drama.

That added drama to even the most basic of news is really detrimental to our acceptance of the quiet truth. Someone lying on their online dating profile just to get attention is assigned fault almost as strongly as a criminal record. A lifetime of abuse is not the same thing as fibbing by a few pounds, inches, or years - but we have been programed to fear it just as much. Perfection is a dream, and people HAVE to realize it. We ARE a society of average people - 4's, 5's, 6's, 7's - yet we brainwash ourselves into believing we can be more - and deserve more - just because we WANT to. Real life lies on a bell curve - and so should our tolerances.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 12
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/31/2019 2:48:23 PM

A man needs to bring more to the table than that.


I can bring a donut.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 13
Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/31/2019 3:37:16 PM

I can bring a donut.


THAT'S it? A donut? Not a dozen? Where's the coffee?

To answer the OP's, "hmmmm moment".
Him-"Would you rather I lied about it?"
Me-(Snicker), "I could not care any less if you lie or tell the truth. Honestly, if I made myself perfectly clear from the git go, such as stating in my profile, "I do not use drugs, nor should you"/ "I am over the ex completely, are you?"/ "I have no criminal history, and neither should you"......................and yet....................you chose to contact me, knowing as you did so, you choose to use drugs. (etc) truth or a lie, we would not be compatible. Period."
Lie or truth, mute point.
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 14
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 1/31/2019 9:14:29 PM
@ OP



Am I supposed to date a guy as long as he is honest about his issues even if he doesn't meet my requirements? Where is a logic in that?


Now that you know (by way of their "honesty"), what type of men you are making contact with...........ask yourself how you will be able to weed out those who are far less honest about themselves
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 15
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/1/2019 9:32:37 AM

What I am asking I guess do people think as long as they are being totally honest, someone is obligated to give them a chance? You are honest - great! But are you supposed to get a brownie points because of it? Am I supposed to date a guy as long as he is honest about his issues even if he doesn't meet my requirements?
I would give more of a chance than usual. 'more' doesn't mean it is enough to overcome the issue. while I don't date heavy drug users and couldn't be serious with anyone who smoked pot multiple times threw out the day, I would give more of a chance to an honest casual user. living with an ex, don't think I could overlook that.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 16
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/1/2019 3:11:38 PM
No honesty is a courtesy to treat another human being with dignity so they can make informed decisions!!How bout- I have a wife well could have lied to you?? Kudos thank you-certainly tell them how much you appreciate the honesty, to allow you informed consent, moving on! Someone will be ok with what we are honest about..My ex lied for five yrs- his honesty would have saved me 4.75 yrs and plenty of cash. That is why we are honest!!!To believe honesty entitles a date we want while choosing a date (partnering) is BS-it is of utmost importance in partnering-it is not a partnership if you take the honesty as something other than standard courtesy- no i don't want a liar- i don't want a drug addict either;
In these decisions it is not necessary to point out the flaws they were honest about as your reason, sure if you have an actual relationship and they ask you can share-but your opinion of their flaws (as a reason you are unwilling to date them) is not necessary-offering opinions(communication) in process of learning about another person when in good faith are fine..
If someone says one thing ( i am warm, communicative, looking for my soulmate in profile) and shows another -while communicating-give an opinion-that's intimacy being developed-for me i find the intimate blockages, very easily, in the written message aspect of OLD. I get vulnerabilities are hard to expose-but if we have started messaging that is the beginning ( of what can or can't be) we are past the hump of first contact..
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 17
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/1/2019 5:41:20 PM

In these decisions it is not necessary to point out the flaws they were honest about as your reason, sure if you have an actual relationship and they ask you can share-but your opinion of their flaws is not necessary-offering opinions in process of learning about another person when in good faith are fine...


I think a huge complaint that brings up these threads is the "Good Faith" part. Agreeing to meet for coffee or a drink or whatever is already a good faith agreement - yet so many people hold their 'rights' in reserve to dump and run for any reason, or no reason whatsoever - and for as long as they want before THEY define it as a 'relationship'. Sharing honest answers only happens when you have established a relationship? Bullsh1t with a capitol 'B'. Decent human beings work at communication, whether it's a date or your bus driver - not sit back and tell someone what they think they want to hear. Honesty and courtesy is NEVER something you can demand - it is earned. Same as Trust and Love. But it starts by being an open, welcoming person - not waiting impatiently for 'them' to make a move.

People that jump to conclusions often evade conversations. You can't be proven wrong if you don't hang around long enough for someone to prove it. They live for control - basically keeping their information at a slow drip and believing it's the other person's duty to build trust. Just because it is not a lie, does not mean you are willing to be honest.
-----------
There are entire threads in here discussing the 'security' threat of talking to strangers and telling them too much, but a lot of that is personal fear and distrust, not a true security issue. You can tell lots of stories for several hours and give another person a real sense of your character - and NEVER reveal your last name, address or children's school.
-------------
You can't lie if you don't say anything, right? But you're not saying ANYthing!
---------
Replying to a question with, "Why do you want to know that?" -- is not an answer, it's an interrogation.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 18
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/1/2019 6:55:34 PM
* Definitely SD !!! How can one move into the relationship part-if it's based on a bunch of BS!!! Totally and if I go out to coffee- dinner whatever, i am offering my good faith agreement-my interest in them-i made the mistake of meeting with a local, i met online (another site) a time when i thought i wanted a committed LTR- Specifying in good faith only as a friend "friend only" several times prior to the coffee- nothing more- i did not want to go any further with him-we are practically neighbors-and i dressed as i would for a friend- . I was clean and presentable, looking like my picture-but minimal makeup- -after him espousing how wealthy(ad nauseam) he was-and 4 times during supposedly friendly conversation hearing "well friends first but if it turns into more"- i had to be a little rude- ok>>>I said "if i have a relationship, it will be with someone closer to my own age" (and my age preference was on my profile and i told him that many times before we met) he was not in good faith meeting me- his agenda was a relationship! I know because i received a follow up blow off message: " "after our meet i can see we wouldn't work out">> AS what friends??? No apparently not because the fifty times, i stated i was only interested in him as a friend- he ignored me and that won't work for any kind of relationship... While i have chosen the friend option currently on my profile-it is not in lieu of a relationship it is + a relationship...
If i don't feel comfortable offering an answer-i do not-but i will interrogate why someone is interested or certain choices etc.. i am also going to ask about behavior or words that seem illogical to me- i can't get intimate if things that make me go HMMM??? I ignore and they can ask me too!!!- i will answer-
I used ask prospective partners (that i knew and was casually dating) "what is the worst thing you ever did to somebody/woman/or not" follow up "how did you feel about it" typically i didn't have to ask the follow up as it was offered! that in itself was telling.. I need to start doing that again lol!!!
 ShumbaHadzi
Joined: 9/16/2018
Msg: 19
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/3/2019 7:18:27 PM
I would never date anyone who used drugs (other than the occasional 420)

If he is living with his ex, is there a reason? Financial reasons perhaps? Do they share a room? If it is for financial reasons and they aren't sleeping in the same room, I don't see an issue.

Criminal history? Depends. How long ago? How old was he? Is he completely clean now?

I prefer total honesty. But I would also be very careful!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 20
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/3/2019 9:28:36 PM

-and i dressed as i would for a friend-

I just wanted to pull this line out and make a point about 'Dressing for it.'

You don't have to be a teenager in Ireland to realize the severe injustice placed on some people for their dress style, but, inversely, you can't automatically assume any part of your dress proves anything. If guys are compelled to take consent at nothing short of verbal recognition -- and basically be forced to take a blind eye to any conclusions or assumptions made about dress -- women have to play by the same rules. Anything less would be hypocritical.

There are plenty of dates out there that force their preconceived issue -- not just guys -- but women also -- and can't buy a clue even if it was free -- so setting up a meet with them will always be like riding a roller coaster - lots of scary ups and downs, and only moving in one direction. The key part about dealing with them is not bringing that terror along for the ride when you check out the rest of the amusement park.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 21
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/4/2019 7:31:53 AM
Initia....I don't have enough time for my real life friends so I'm definitely not interested in collecting others on line but to each our own.

I did meet a man however, who was also looking for a relationship, who chose to tell me at the meet that the reason he never had children was pretty much because he had abused alcohol for most of his life but was in recovery for the last 17 years. Kudos for him but I would have preferred to learn this before we met. Would I have gone ahead with the meet? I don't know. I don't discriminate against addicts except that I might forever fear that he would relapse. Having had experience with an addict close to me, I know how quickly that can happen and it is very painful.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 22
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/5/2019 8:01:17 PM
^^ ??_ I am not sure what you mean? If i meet someone in person it is IRL- If i do not have enough time for my RL friends I really have no business adding any more people to shortchange...
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 23
Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/6/2019 8:18:27 AM

-i made the mistake of meeting with a local, i met online (another site) a time when i thought i wanted a committed LTR- Specifying in good faith only as a friend "friend only" several times prior to the coffee- nothing more- i did not want to go any further with him-we are practically neighbors-and i dressed as i would for a friend-


- so you knew before you met he was not your type but you would entertain a friendship, is that what you are saying? I like that.




Yes, you have to be honest to be a good catch - you can only love someone as much as you can trust them. But you can't have dealbreakers either. So if he says, "I do drugs", or, "I'm a hit man for the Mob", or the person still lives with an ex (they are not really an ex), it's a deal-breaker - that means do not pass "Go", do not collect $200.00
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 24
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Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/6/2019 2:49:34 PM
Yes Hemingway, on spot! ????
We all have deal breakers- often online communications provide me as the dealbreaker lol...not my profile LMAO...If we do have a phone conversation, typically my deal breakers reveal themselves, if i am to find a deal breaker..Which thins out my dating.. If a dealbreaker can reveal itself in a half hour phone call-that works because meeting, in person-having a date, can put my Fantasy blinders on..Rather than ask the hard questions "i am being a "good attentive appreciative date" lol
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 25
Would you rather I lied about it?
Posted: 2/7/2019 8:19:23 AM

often online communications provide me as the dealbreaker lol...not my profile LMAO...If we do have a phone conversation, typically my deal breakers reveal themselves, if i am to find a deal breaker..Which thins out my dating.. If a dealbreaker can reveal itself in a half hour phone call-that works because meeting, in person-having a date, can put my Fantasy blinders on..Rather than ask the hard questions "i am being a "good attentive appreciative date" lol


- Yup. Men call for a date. Women talk on the phone to weed men out. But women have to do this, there are creeps out there who will tell a woman ANYTHING to get in her pants... what's worse is, they think she will buy it - fat chance, sucker! - She's heard it all before. Women are very intuitive and can smell a rat from a mole away....usually, unless you catch that loving feeling!
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