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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals      Home login  
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 drunkcat
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 1
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals Page 1 of 1    
I've been dating someone for about a month know. We've been on three dates. Each date went really well, they lasted about 4 - 5 hours on on average. I got a kiss within 2 hours of meeting her. We have deep conversations on our dates and it really seems as though we are compatible and have chemistry. Sometimes we've held hands in public ( although alcohol might have something to do with that). We've talked about traveling together etc. I think you get the picture

But when we are not on dates or physically together, the level of interest doesn't seem to be as consistent. She doesn't always text me back on time, but when she does it is usually thorough with happy emojis and not short. I usually ( almost always have to start the conversation). She almost never answers my calls unless, I text her first asking her if I may call. On the second and third date she admitted to me that she was considering canceling them because she had a bad day at work on both occasions. She recently got a new job and she really dislikes it. She almost always complains about the bad mood it always leaves her in. We were suppose to go on a 4th date, she cancelled plans (skiing plans in a different state) with her friends to make time for me. She contacted me first on the day of our 4th date and everything seemed normal. We were both flirting over text. Then one hour before our date, I call her. Something didn't seem right so I asked her if she still wanted to go on the date with me. She said she did, but something was off. I asked her again and she said she had a terrible day at work and wondered if we can reschedule, she sounded sad when she said this. I politely and calmly told her no problem and we said our goodbyes. 2 -3 days later she texts me saying her mother broke her foot so the date would have been cut short anyway ( I haven't responded). I should also add that she has an anxiety disorder and takes lexapro, while seeing a therapist regularly. I'm just very confused. From my experience when someone likes you, they won't let "bad days at work" get in the way of seeing someone they really like and generally won't consider canceling dates unless there is an urgent matter. During our last phone conversation she kept on claiming I caught her at a bad time in life. I haven't contacted her since she called off the last date ( 4 days ago). I am hoping you guys can give me insight.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 2
Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/12/2019 11:13:57 AM
4 days and no traffic either way equals done deal. Move on. If there is issues like this early on it will only get worse if you get involved on a deeper level.

But it could be that their mental issues don't allow them to form relationships as easy as other people can. They may have not been social all that much in their life.

If you're really really keen then have it out with her. If not move on. Nothing to see here.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 3
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/12/2019 11:29:04 AM

lexapro

Did you bother to look up what that med is for? It's for people who suffer from an anxiety or depression. Which it is doesn't matter because from your story her dislike for her job could affect either. All a guessing game for everyone but her. Now let's wait for some idiot to come along and say you dodged a bullet.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 4
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/12/2019 11:33:23 AM
My read on this is that she is no longer 'feeling it' or you very well may have caught her at a point in her life where she hasn't really decided if she wants or is ready for a relationship.
 drunkcat
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 5
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/12/2019 11:45:41 AM
(At Rise Above This):

I did some research on lexapro and I found the same information that you did ( it treats anxiety and depression). She has been open about her anxiety, but I wouldn't be surprised if she also suffers from some form of depression. This certainly isn't the first time that I dated someone that has a mental health condition. Actually now that I think about it, in the last couple years a vast majority of women I dated either had bipolar disorder or took antidepressants. I don't know if there's something about me specifically that attracts them or mental health issues are on a rise ( probably the latter). To be clear, I'm not against dating anyone with a mental health condition.


( At Spectralight):

You make a good point, mental health issues can certainly serve as a detriment to forming relationships. She did text me yesterday morning, but I honestly don't know if I should respond. When she told me she had anxiety, I assumed the reason she may have considered canceling the earlier dates were a result of social anxiety. But turns out she is extroverted and claimed that when she spends time alone and by herself she can get very anxious.


Thank you all for your responses and helpful advice
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 6
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/12/2019 11:58:48 AM

Actually now that I think about it, in the last couple years a vast majority of women I dated either had bipolar disorder or took antidepressants.

Damn that was funny. Probably just to me though since I'm bipolar. If you're determined to see her again I suggest you text and see if you can draw her into a conversation that way. If you can't move on. Thank you for understanding a mental health issue doesn't define a person.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 7
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/19/2019 6:00:15 PM

But when we are not on dates or physically together, the level of interest doesn't seem to be as consistent. She doesn't always text me back on time, but when she does it is usually thorough with happy emojis and not short.

3 dates in a month + this considered -- you're not datING. You're still in the pre-Dating phase. But you have a legit concern, as there's an imbalance of fruitful long dates you had with lots of chemistry -- but outside of that little communication. And plus, she was thinking of cancelling them -- and cancelled the 4th one.

Just like you shouldn't put too much weight on a 1st date -- you shouldn't put tons of weight on the very few dates you've had, by themselves. In the end, the glue that holds those dates together (that in-between time) is what tells the story.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 8
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/19/2019 7:26:39 PM
druncat ??? been a few days must have responded to the text? is it floating, swimming, drowning or sinking?
 drunkcat
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 9
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/21/2019 5:32:53 PM
update:

It's been about 3 - 4 weeks since we've seen each other. We text on occasion, but she's clearly not very interested. The issue sometimes is that it's difficult to objectively assess something when you have too much wishful thinking. A lot of guys accuse women of being cruel when they don't come out and say that they're not very interested. In my opinion, the cruelty is lying to yourself and being delusional when the signs are very clear that someone isn't that interested (anymore). The number one lesson that I learned is that attraction isn't very stable in the beginning phase of dating ( at least when it comes to women being attracted to men), meaning it can change very fast. My main problem is that when I know a woman is very attracted to me and is showing interest, I sort of stop selling myself and sort of let loose when I really should be consistently proving to her that her attraction to me is justified. What I've noticed is that once a man is very attracted to a woman there is very little the woman can do to change the way he feels (in beginning phase of dating), but when a woman is attracted to a man there is a lot a man can do to make her no longer attracted to him. I think initially she was certainly attracted to me and when I realized this I stopped trying because I thought I secured the catch. As a lat effort, I think I might just come out and ask her if she's interested in going out anymore. I have this fear of coming across as needy so sometimes it prevents me from being upfront about how I feel about a situation.
 drunkcat
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 10
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/21/2019 5:42:29 PM
(At Norwegianguy456)


I absolutely agree with your post, especially the part where you say it's the time between dates that tell the story. That couldn't be more true for this situation and many women I've dated in the past. I've had many situations where dates went really well and then the next day or time in-between dates, they tend to be distant and indifferent. I think the best indicator of whether a woman wants to date you seriously is how they behave during the time in between dates and not always on the actual date itself.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 11
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Playing Hard to Get Vs. Mixed Signals
Posted: 2/24/2019 6:28:00 PM

We text on occasion, but she's clearly not very interested.

As a lat effort, I think I might just come out and ask her if she's interested in going out anymore.

You already know she's clearly not interested. Don't ask. She sees you as her lackey in a certain sense. Don't even passively 'chase' her in any way via text; see/feel her as an EX in your mind. Goose is cooked. Move on & away.

What has cranked up you being into her is common human nature we don't like to admit to ourselves (and want to downplay): Because you saw that she Can be that into you, but she now Isn't into you, but willing to communicate to some degree. You're trying to get the W, not the L. You're too focused on that concept, one that shouldn't be applied. It's the same reason, in the reverse direction, that only makes any potential interest based on the past, wilter.

I think the best indicator of whether a woman wants to date you seriously is how they behave during the time in between dates and not always on the actual date itself.

Yes. Now, there are exceptions, in the Very Beginning. People go into different 'gears' -- so after a 1st great date, and texting is super minimal, it doesn't necessarily mean you lost out. Just the same as right after the 1st great date you two text a lot, it doesn't mean you're going to be riding off into the sunset either. Too early.

But you see where things are going. So if you do nab a 2nd date, and that goes well, and the texting between each other is at least adequate, OK, great. Then if nab a 3rd date (and some fooling around), and texting frequency increases, great. It's just about the Direction things are going in-between the dates. Also, you don't want to expect contstant texting all the time. Not all gals (or guys) want to text a ton, so a gal can like a guy, but if dealing with a busy dramatic life, her new date is texting a lot boom-boom-boom -- that can turn them off. So like being On a date, there's a careful balance to be had when both establishing & evaluating the situation between you two.
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