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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Broke up over ED insecurity!?      Home login  
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 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 1
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Met a guy on the site- tall, polite, smart, funny, self-sufficient.
Brought flowers and wine, always dressed up to take me out. Always held my hand when walking.

We had only been dating for two months, and he gave me a Valentine in which he wrote "You're my inspiration...want to have many more Valentine's Days with you...Can't wait to see what the future holds..."
But, he never made a move, beyond hugs and kisses, and slight touches. He mentioned that he'd love to see me in fishnets. So, I bought some, and texted him a pic of the package. Most guys would have raced right over, but he didn't really react.

After bringing me home from dates, he never wanted to come in. When I made him dinner at my house a couple of times, he would want to watch TV for a bit, then go home.

He has a health condition which can cause ED, so I put two and two together...
So, we were texting and I asked if I could ask him a personal question (we had discussed plenty of really personal things already). He agreed. I said "Do you have any issues with ED?" He replied "Not ready to discuss." I didn't hear from him for over 24 hrs after that, and he normally texted numerous times a day, and called regularly.
He would always open texts with Hi, Sweetie, or Hi, Babe.
But, after I asked the ED quested, he stopped doing that, and texted far less frequently.He just turned cold.

Last week, I texted him that I was daydreaming about slow dancing and kissing.
He said "Know what I'm daydreaming about?" And he texted something so degrading and hateful to me.Just beyond vulgar and disgusting.
I grew up with a biker father, and on military bases. I've heard a lot of vulgar crap, but I've never heard anyone say anything as awful as he texted to me.
I told him he was a jerk, and disrespectful. He said he was trying to be funny, and "Maybe we should take a break, because we're so different."
I said no, let's just end it now, and did.

I am really shocked that a grown man who seemed to be so confident and mature would react this way. There are lots of things that can be done for ED, and if they don't work, there's plenty of other ways to be intimate.
I am sad about the break-up, and just bewildered by the whole thing.

Dating in my age range, ED is bound to come up again. He just dealt with it horribly.
Should I have handled it differently?
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 2
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/2/2019 5:15:32 AM
You should have spoke about it in person to be fair.

A lot of men are centralised around their c0cks as you know. It could just be as simple as it makes him feel less of a man and extremely insecure, hence, his lashing out. He doesn't know how to handle it.

It's got to be hard for him(excuse any puns) to open up about it, and likely has got so defensive as he hasn't fully accepted his condition, and it challenges his masculinity.

It's a toughy. But it's doesn't excuse any of his behaviour.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 3
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/2/2019 12:06:06 PM

I am really shocked that a grown man who seemed to be so confident and mature would react this way.

He is neither confident nor mature. A man who is both of those things would have brought the subject up himself. He would not have put you in the position where you are wondering why he hadn't made any sort of move and possibly causing you to doubt yourself. He wouldn't have left *you* to have to be the one to ask about the issue that effects *him*.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 4
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/2/2019 12:37:09 PM
Doesn't he know viagra just went generic? 30 pills for 40 bucks!
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 5
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/2/2019 3:28:29 PM
@ OP


He is neither confident nor mature. A man who is both of those things would have brought the subject up himself. He would not have put you in the position where you are wondering why he hadn't made any sort of move and possibly causing you to doubt yourself. He wouldn't have left *you* to have to be the one to ask about the issue that effects *him*.


I fully agree ^ with Spot 4's remark

Did he think that this problem would not surface in the course of a relationship?......it also goes to show how some of the characters you meet with OLD,...... can mask themselves into being somebody they are not!!!!

Consider yourself fortunate that it didn't last any longer than 2 months
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 6
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/2/2019 4:25:45 PM
Good question.

Sounds to me like he does have ED issues, and doesn't want to admit it. I've read various posts about it, from a woman's point of view. Some really get bent out of shape about it, like it offends them. You should be turned on by me and my fabulous bod, and ED should go away once you see it. What makes them think that, is beyond comprehension to me. Being put down for having ED will never make it go up on its own, no matter what's said.

This is the way it is. It happens, big deal. Don't like it? Then leave. If she gets offended by that, surely there's something else that will come along that kills that relationship, that ED had zilch to do with it.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 7
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/2/2019 4:57:22 PM
Purple a lot of women are clueless. When I was young I had this GF. She was very cool and bisexual which was even cool because when I checked out gals she would also. Someone to share one of my favorite pastime s with. Anyhow, she was very sexually aggressive and kind of cornered me so to speak and I failed to get it ********. I assume at the moment I was not ready. Too tired, buzzed or suffering from momentary performance anxiety. Anyway, she seemed to brush it off but she never got over it. She totally not only started playing games but actually real hatred of me. Some women take it personally. This is before Viagra I think.
 CBGB77
Joined: 12/15/2017
Msg: 8
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/3/2019 9:20:00 AM
Sounds like this guy had much bigger problems than ED.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 9
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/3/2019 11:02:54 AM

I am really shocked that a grown man who seemed to be so confident and mature would react this way.


Maybe he was taking lessons from the guy SurelyShirley came across, in her thread about an 180 degree turn.


Should I have handled it differently?


I got the impression that you never handled "IT" at all.

Another one bites the dust.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 10
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/3/2019 11:07:25 AM
Well, The guys issue was reduced to a text message. Rolls eyes, so maybe that's why he reacted as such.

I don't know if it's just me, but shouldn't something like that be spoken about in person?
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 11
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/3/2019 1:38:35 PM
^

I don't know if it's just me, but shouldn't something like that be spoken about in person?


Ideally...yes

But don't you think that after 2 months of dating (as she described the details),..... that it would have been incumbent upon him to bring up the matter?....after all, its his problem, not hers

I could understand him "not being ready" to talk about it, after a week,.....or maybe even 4 weeks....but from what she has seen of him, this woman needed to decide if this guy is a keeper or not....and at a certain stage in your life, you cannot afford to waste too much time.

Secondly, if he was not ready to talk about it by text....what makes you think he would have been ready to talk about it in person, if she'd had asked while having dinner at home or out?


..........so maybe that's why he reacted as such.


If this guy had any class.........he should have responded by saying something like:.... "its not an easy subject for me to discuss, so I would prefer to talk to you in person about it next time we meet"............this is all he would have needed to say!.........but instead (according to the OP) he responded like a full fledged jerk...there is no way you can defend this guy's response, if what the OP says is true!
 jerseynative7
Joined: 10/26/2018
Msg: 12
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/3/2019 7:11:55 PM
He sounds pretty selfish to me. His tongue doesnt work either? What about his fingers? Hes not interested in pleasing you if he cant get off too?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 13
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/6/2019 12:03:29 AM

I said "Do you have any issues with ED?" He replied "Not ready to discuss."

Not a good answer - lol. If a gal asks a guy "Have you ever robbed a liquor store?" and he replied "Not ready to discuss," well, the answer is obvious. :)

But, after I asked the ED quested, he stopped doing that, and texted far less frequently.He just turned cold.

Yeah. Him handling things for 2 months and never wanting to even get to PG-13 level stuff -- was an Obvious Sign he had real issues (not ED itself, but perpetuated by ED). That should have been your 1st warning sign, regardless of what was causing it. OH, but there was romance and feeling wanted. That's right. Funny how things can make things drag out in an odd way for so long, when you add the right 'spice' to it that matches what someone's yearning for.

Should I have handled it differently?

You shouldn't have waited 2 months, first. Second, it's his fault for acting that way, not yours.

That said, doing that thru text wasn't the best Strategic move. ED effects guys' psyche, because no matter how one is, socially traditional or liberal, stigmas still are solidly grounded. One of them is that a guy should always be able to get it up, and gals will bolt if you have any ED-related issues when you're first getting to know them. Even among those who Swear that's not true. You hear about it, you can deduce it (much like you deduced it was his ED keeping it so PG).

In hindsight turned to foresight, next time you run into something like this (fat chance it will be This bad tho) -- have that dinner at His place, in His territory & comfort zone... and bring it up and talk sexy/sexual, and comfortable -- not like some weird serious "talk". Basically, you'll just want to pave the way to maximize comfort-zone. Just realize, most gals at the end of the day are not going to put up with ED issues with guys. That's why some guys can be real weird & a-holes about it like he was.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 14
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/6/2019 8:00:54 AM
Probably should have been addressed in person, but after a few months, he clearly was in the wrong having not initiated that conversation.

And with his response, and not realizing how offensive it was, suggests that he likely wasn’t very experienced at all with women… thus suggests not much experience in the sack either. And inexperience at that age (assume same age as OP +/-, 50’s) could likely lead to ED also. Inexperience + age = higher probability of non-performance. This day and age, a hard-core unattached dude has likely pounded it into leather with internet porn and is used to that type of, um, stimulation. Sounds like a huge reclamation project.

Probably best you cut ties, and aside from broaching the subject via text, which could be understandable considering his reluctance to start the convo, I don’t think you did anything wrong.

NG wrote:
Not a good answer - lol. If a gal asks a guy "Have you ever robbed a liquor store?" and he replied "Not ready to discuss," well, the answer is obvious.
He could have said, “Yes, and I used my gun!” and that obviously would have been a good answer to the OP.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 15
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/6/2019 8:32:06 AM
I agree that perhaps it would have been better addressed in person.
But, he should have let her know he had problems and not waited until
she felt the need to ask.

From a woman's point of view...if we don't know there is a problem, then
we might assume it's us...because yeah, we can't turn a guy on. Something is
wrong with us, we're not attractive, blah blah blah. I went out with a guy one
time that actually told me that maybe I should get a book on how to turn on
guys, or maybe I should ask my girlfriends what to do when he couldn't get it up.
He ended up calling me a few weeks later to tell me his doctor had put him on
a "very low dosage" of viagra and perhaps we could try again. Yeah, please jump
on the ****no train heading to get the ****outtahere.

He should have told her.
If the situation were reversed, if the guy pulled all his moves and got no reaction,
he'd probably wonder what the heck happened.

Oh no wait...the guy would probably just assume she was frigid instead of thinking
maybe she had some problems .
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 16
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getting the shaft in a relationship
Posted: 3/6/2019 10:08:01 AM
i'm sure i chased a woman for two months and got no sex in return...but i can also admit, that was a suggestion i was barking up the wrong tree :) still, some people do move slowly. i don't know if text or F2F is going to matter when its a personal issue--those who don't want to talk about it, don't care much about the medium. and if we were face to face and they didn't want to talk about ED...i don't think the rest of the evening is going to be very comfortable :)

"Dating in my age range, ED is bound to come up again. "

>>>or maybe it won't, no matter how much it gets handled :) Seriously, we can be confident when put in a zone where we do well. and then flounder when taken out of our comfort zone. sometimes, relationships just ain't meant to be, and sometimes, it takes a while to find this out. sad to say, its just the nature of the beast.

 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 17
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getting the shaft in a relationship
Posted: 3/6/2019 12:14:54 PM

Probably should have been addressed in person, but after a few months, he clearly was in the wrong having not initiated that conversation.

I think it Definitely should have been addressed in person. Phone would have been better than text about popping up (no pun intended) with an embarrassing inquiry on the other they're surely going to be sensitive about... but in person, yes. That's the main thing the OP should learn, to avoid things faltering, or Drama, in this case.

I don't think he was Necessarily clearly in the Wrong for not initiating it. I think that's a judgement call based on how things unfolded, can could have been a mutual issue. If OP was conveying herself as a prim-and-proper-older-lady, he could have been resting on that as more 'ammo' in his mind not to make a move, and could have been confused himself. "Then all of a sudden this prim-and-proper gal who gives me no signals, brings up my ED, like I couldn't get it up anyway?! WTH?" In other words, one would have to survey things outside the OP's POV to get the real scoop on whether just one person was clearly in the wrong about when/how this was brought up. Either way, the guy is at least somewhat in the wrong -- as regardless of the situation, he should have brought it up just 1 month in; even if the way she conveyed herself would heed guys in some way to do so.

i'm sure i chased a woman for two months and got no sex in return...but i can also admit, that was a suggestion i was barking up the wrong tree :) still, some people do move slowly.

You can chase a gal where you're in the friend-zone or neutral-zone for 2 months and not get sex (score!). That's fine. But if you're in even the low-key dating-zone, if you're not crossing 2nd base 2 months in -- and she still is up to going out -- she's not interested in you (but maybe your wallet & attention). Unless of course, you're running from her initiations or her uber-Clear-signs that aren't contradicted by her demeanor in general.

"Dating in my age range, ED is bound to come up again. "

ED and ED issues on some level hit guys much younger than you are, too. I think at your age it runs deeper with more guys. Basically, go about it in person, don't mind it. Don't lecture, and don't come off as weird like you're talking out of a manual.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 18
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getting the shaft in a relationship
Posted: 3/11/2019 9:30:28 AM
NG:
I don't think he was Necessarily clearly in the Wrong for not initiating it.
I think, after 2 months, the onus is on him to bring it up. The subject of ED that is. Maybe cuz you’re youngish, your opinion differs from inexperience on this matter. Um, at least I hope so. Once a man reaches his mid 50’s it should be his responsibility to manage the um, problem, if there is one. And management of the problem includes communicating said issue to a potential lover in a timely manner. I would consider 2 months dating with no physical moves, to be leaving her um, dangling, wondering what’s going on. If the problem was his dangler, then it’s 100% his onus t initiate discussion, in my view.


based on how things unfolded
Or didn’t unfold. Literally.


I think at your age it runs deeper
No, it doesn’t run deep.


Don't lecture
Not so fast….some guys may like that
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 19
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Posted: 3/11/2019 11:58:25 AM

I think, after 2 months, the onus is on him to bring it up.

Depends. My key word was "necessarily" + "clearly", as he wasn't Necessarily clearly in the wrong for not initiating it, ie holding it back. It depends how the girl has been flowing up until that point. An example outside theirs, if, say, she was some Mormon lady, and they were both devout & proper -- he wouldn't, as that isn't an issue any more than needing to talk about anal sex on a 1st date, to the common person. :)

In her case, if she came across as the intolerant type of that sorta thing (which I've heard from some gals off-hand) -- I can understand him not bringing it up. Instead, I think his wrong is...

Once a man reaches his mid 50’s it should be his responsibility to manage the um, problem, if there is one.

... that. Solving it, which almost all are solvable to some degree, as far as a lady's part's happiness is concerned. That is where he really dropped the ball. No matter how sweet & seemingly normal & kosher a gal can seem -- a guy shouldn't Assume she'll be cool with ED issues when they're not a solidified couple. His best strategy is to focus on the "first porking" to be had, make sure he takes his Cialis and whatnot -- and plow her field accordingly. Then, After they have already became a couple & she has an adequate smile on her face due to how her lady parts feel -- he can then bring it up without potential consequence in the mind of a reasonable gal.

No, it doesn’t run deep.

Oh, I think in one's 50s, ED can run balls deep. ;)
 ken333
Joined: 12/12/2009
Msg: 20
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/12/2019 10:54:41 AM
You seem sensitive, if I ever dated you I know it wouldn't work. I would probably slip too many times and say the wrong thing. I'm not saying it's bad, if you are sensitive then that's o.k. If you are unhappy that early in the relationship then it would probably get worse. You did the right thing breaking up.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 21
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/12/2019 11:19:43 AM
^^^^Regarding the topic of ED, how do you see her as "sensitive"
and why is that a bad thing?
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 22
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/12/2019 3:39:24 PM
after reading some of the responses, unless his extremely vulgar response indicated ED , all we really know is two months without sex is too long for the OP. maybe a frustrated uber religious person and not about ED, and was not ready to discuss marriage or sex??? and several dates(she did say hd was tall) wading through false starts and the crash and burn, when marriage is the only way for sex???idk but clearly wasn't for the OP
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 23
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/12/2019 7:24:01 PM

maybe a frustrated uber religious person and not about ED, and was not ready to discuss marriage or sex???

That wouldn't be the case. They already did talk about personal stuff, she asked him if he had ED -- he said he wasn't ready to discuss, and went cold (which means Yes, at least to some degree, and sensitive about it). He then said something really vulgar later on to her which sort of nixes the uber-religious thing. I think he was sexually frustrated in another sort of way. I can understand given the circumstances she laid out that he'd be turned off and would go kinda cold, as that was an odd way to bring it up. But he should have already started resolving that issue. Because I'm sure after 2 months, ED in his mind has frustrating him. Even a normal wholesome guy, you're not going to want to just keep things PG-rated for more than 2 months. Especially if you're able to text out vulgar stuff to a gal.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 24
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/12/2019 7:47:47 PM
regardless ^until he shows up In this forum to discuss his erectile dysfunction And claim it- All we know is that 2 months without sex was too long for the original poster ..Plus his extremely vulgar comment which we have no idea what it was ..
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 25
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Broke up over ED insecurity!?
Posted: 3/13/2019 10:13:40 AM

(she did say hd was tall)


Yes, interestingly enough, that was the first trait she described.

Apparently "tall" doesn't equal "perfect" after all.
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