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 RandomOtter
Joined: 2/18/2019
Msg: 1
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Wife leaving mePage 1 of 1    
Been told i need to talk about this to help me cope with it.

So my wife of almost 13 years had to go back to her home country to tend to some family matters, she was only suppose to be there for a month or two for the reason of signing paperwork for her fathers estate. But two months turned to three and she couldn't live with family anymore as they didn't have a clean house and had insect infestation as well.

So she called me up and asked if i would mind her staying at her male friends house till the paperwork was completed and promised me i had nothing to worry about as he is a nice guy. Well over the time she stayed there she called me less and less until it felt like i had to hunt her down to talk with her. But the third month turned into a fourth and she missed Christmas with me and our daughters, then New Years, then our youngest daughters birthday.

Well she started talking to me more as time to come home was getting closer and she was talking about our future, she got me to put the house on the market so we can sell and move out of town as we don't like where we're living right now location wise. I was all for this, she got me to check into other things like getting a food trailer bought so we can finally start our business together as a husband wife the whole works.

But when she got off the plane she was crying and shaking saying how happy she is to get home and she never wanted to leave me again or go back overseas cause of how horrible it was. Well the very next day she started acting distant from me, blaming everything around the house on me. I do have physical medical issues that make mobility not only limited but painful but i kept the house clean. But she was looking for dirt to pull me up over.

But even after asking her for a week if everything was ok she kept saying yes until Valentines Day, She broke down and handed me her tablet with facebook up and told me to read her messages. It was all there, her cheating, lying and plans to take 1/2 the money from the house sale and just leave. I was told she wanted to be faithful to her Boyfriend and couldn't live a lie anymore. That cut deep, Valentines day is only 4 days before our anniversary.

But as of right now we're still living together waiting on the house to sell but its hard as she is always on the tablet talking to her new guy for hours ignoring everyone else. But it seems like she is constantly wanting to get with this new guy but at the same time she keeps telling me if things don't work out will i still be her friend. But she also keeps changing the story of how/why we broke up and it keeps going further and further back. Like she said it happened 3 years ago then talked about how when we first got married someone treated her wrong and made her no like living with me.

I'm coming to terms with what happened but its hard when i'm not only still living with her but having to be a shoulder to cry on when things go bad or someone to talk to when she's concerned.

But would like people view on this, i know we can never be a couple again as she cheated.
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 2
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/6/2019 2:06:28 PM
Reading this your story sounds too fresh for you to be divorced, like month crash. If I'm correct you should change your relationship status to separated. Even though you're lonely and hurting it's too early to be looking for someone. Now is the time to reflect on what went wrong, healing, and getting your house in order. That way you don't get hurt more or accidentally hurt someone else.

Using the forums can help with your healing as long as you are thick skinned because some can be brutal because they're jerks and you will also read things that you aren't ready for even tho you may need it. Most of us have gone thru a relationship ending and will share our experiences. Just reading posts by others can be good. Sadly the forums aren't as good or lively as they used to be.

Be sure to take care of yourself so you can give more to your kids when they need you. They're going thru this too, including your adult child.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 3
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/6/2019 5:30:18 PM
You need to speak w/ a lawyer asap. Get an idea of where ya stand legally.
Focus on your kids, but dont use them to gripe to about her. that will bite ya in the butt .
Best of well wishes in healing as ya muddle your way through this mess your wife placed ya in.
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 4
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/7/2019 9:14:17 PM
agree with Tex ^............speak with a lawyer before you sell your house.....I'm sure she already did at some point...............if you have real medical issues, then it could work in your favor.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 5
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/10/2019 11:32:17 AM
You may feel broken but you are not. Sometimes we just have to deal with what life throws at us. I'm sorry that you wife betrayed you...but at least you know. You know where to pick up the pieces and move on. Hopefully your daughter stays in your care. I hope you do find a good lawyer because the system is not in your favor. Focus on your autistic child. She is the one that needs you now more than anyone. Feel good that she needs you and do whatever it takes to take care of her. I think the rest will fall into place over time. You don't need to date right now but you might find friends and support for what you are going through. Don't be afraid of your feelings, you have to go through them to get through them and to the other side of this heartache you feel now. May God bring you many blessings and may you keep counting your own in spite of what is happening in your marriage.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/11/2019 4:19:15 AM
Although the exact details of your experience are unique, the overall story is VERY common.

In essence, your now ex began her life with you, with the belief that she was entering into a set of expected results. That her life would follow a classic set of myths that show up in films and stories, where initial "love," MAGICALLY causes people to match up with whoever they "belong" with, and thereby they find happiness and satisfaction with their own lives.

As pretty much everyone (except the very rich and lucky) discovers, life is far more complicated and subtle than that. The reason why she keeps changing her story as to when things began going wrong between you, is that she is still figuring that out herself.

Eventually, you are both likely to realize that on some level, everything was wrong between you from the very beginning; not because either of you are "bad," but because neither of you were dealing from REALITY in the choices you were making.

What she did, in the actual events you describe, matches perfectly with one of the worst relationship messes I went through, in that she raced from one panicked "solution" to feeling "off track" in her life, to another, always hoping that by diving head first off wherever she was, that she would end up finally inside the dream-version of reality that she always imagined she should be in. Her first leap was into your marriage, but when that didn't magically lead to "happily ever after," she jumped again, and yet again. She kept re-explaining everything with a new story, hoping to have everything fall into line, but since reality DOESN'T obey such ideals, she hasn't (and will never) find such satisfaction.

The reason why she is so anxious both to rake your marriage apart and grab resources from it to use with her new Prince Charming, AND wants to keep you as a real friend in spite of doing that, is all part of the overall scramble to get her overall life to fit SOME resemblance of the Happily Ever After scenario.

All that YOU can do with all of what happened and is continuing to happen, is to work as calmly and carefully as you can to see to your daughters lives and to your own, and allow your ex to find her own path however she might.
 RandomOtter
Joined: 2/18/2019
Msg: 7
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/11/2019 4:17:16 PM
Thanks everyone for their views on this. Things have become quite the roller coaster as my ex is in constant torment over to leave everyone she has here or be with her new guy across the ocean.

I'm not sure if i should be helping her as much as i am but i still care so very much for her well being and don't want her hurt. She keeps saying one thing then the opposite about her new guy like she says hes very kind then says he trys to control what she wears and how she sits.

it just taking a toll on my mind as i want her to stay in the country as we still want to be friends and i don't want our daughters to be with out their mother but at the same time i'm supporting her decision on what she's doing as i just want her to find her own happiness. Like she tells me she can't be happy living in Canada anymore but then says if she goes back to the UK with this guy she'll be all alone there and the guy sounds very controlling.

I hope this isn't coming off the wrong way of who i am but i just don't want those i care for getting hurt even if they hurt me over and over. I really don't know what more to say without sounding like a broken record. Guess i'm trying to make sense out of a senseless outcome maybe.

But thanks again to everyone who commented on this. It helps to see things through non-rose tinted glasses.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 8
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/13/2019 1:31:12 PM

So she called me up and asked if i would mind her staying at her male friends house till the paperwork was completed and promised me i had nothing to worry about as he is a nice guy.

Oh yah -- he's such a nice guy, he took Real good care of her. Made her purrr like a kitten. Especially if her home country was in Detroit or Buffalo. ;)

But the third month turned into a fourth and she missed Christmas with me and our daughters, then New Years, then our youngest daughters birthday.

Which at this point, I would say it was Over, for all practical purposes. Basically the D word (no, not her guy friends') wouldn't just cross my mind -- it'd be like Golden State Warriors up by 30 going into the 4th quarter vs the Detroit Pistons. Any "what if" thoughts would have passed upon missing the Holidays when it was coming up on 4 months.

Well she started talking to me more as time to come home was getting closer and she was talking about our future, she got me to put the house on the market so we can sell and move out of town as we don't like where we're living right now location wise.

But didn't you realize she was setting up for you two to split?

But when she got off the plane she was crying and shaking saying how happy she is to get home and she never wanted to leave me again or go back overseas cause of how horrible it was.

Well, Detroit IS bad, but, it's just over the lake...

Well the very next day she started acting distant from me, blaming everything around the house on me. I do have physical medical issues that make mobility not only limited but painful but i kept the house clean. But she was looking for dirt to pull me up over.

Which shouldn't have been a surprise. I mean, it's EASY for me, anyone else -- even for you in couple years -- to say that. But this should have Not taken you by surprise, at least. Trying to pull dirt over the other is what people do when they're not happy with someone for no "legit" reason. Most fights are out of thin air. We don't want to be the bad guy, so we'll "find" things to hate about the other. Much the same as being set up on a date by a friend with someone -- you want to 'find' a 'legit' reason to not like them to avoid guilt.

everything was ok she kept saying yes until Valentines Day, She broke down and handed me her tablet with facebook up and told me to read her messages. It was all there, her cheating, lying and plans to take 1/2 the money from the house sale and just leave.

The significant other's almost Always going to say YES, everything's OK -- even in a grumbled way -- for at least a little while. That's Human Nature. Whether they're the good guy or bad guy, but wanting to end it. It's good thought that she 'fessed up.

But as of right now we're still living together waiting on the house to sell but its hard as she is always on the tablet talking to her new guy for hours ignoring everyone else.

Uhhh, Yeah. Right now, just as you were naive & blinded going into this, you're still blinded to some degree. She is excited about him, she has fulfillment -- which Anyone would after they've been in a relationship they weren't into. You don't have to be the bad guy or a bad "choice" of a guy for a relationship to part like that. Still, NO excuse for her to go about this this way -- missing your kids' birthdays & the holidays. She's crazy self-centered. It's Beyond just cheating.

But it seems like she is constantly wanting to get with this new guy but at the same time she keeps telling me if things don't work out will i still be her friend.

DON'T be her friend. Instead, because you have kids, she's going to be the sister-in-law you despise, but, for family reasons, get along with and talk with as minimally as possible.

I'm coming to terms with what happened but its hard when i'm not only still living with her but having to be a shoulder to cry on when things go bad or someone to talk to when she's concerned.

DO NOT BE THAT GUY. You mine as well be putting a ball in your mouth, bending over, and handing her a whip and asking her to hit you harder. Sheesh! :) True, she's not TRYING to hurt you in those Isolated instances. But she's so consumed about Herself & is so narcissistic, it does -- and she doesn't care. Do NOT be there for her.

But would like people view on this, i know we can never be a couple again as she cheated.

But I think you can FEEL you can MAYBE MAYBE be a couple again. That's your problem. You have to come to grips that you Shouldn't. And that you Shouldn't Want to.

It's not just that she cheated. Just cheating, is, say, going out on a little vacation with some friends, and ending up fooling around with some guy some night when out with her friends -- regretting it, and being so sorry, etc etc (or you never know about it and nothing like that ever happens again).

She was seeing this guy for a while distantly, and being there WITH him. He's her BOYFRIEND now. She left your kids' birthdays and you, and wants half the $ -- and she keeps talking with him as she IS going to run off with him. She ALREADY DID, by the way.

You have to cut her off. Shut her off. She didn't merely cheat. You'd be a fool to believe that. She's not your wife in spirit at all. She's an imposter. Just process this out. I don't know what the laws are in Canada about divorce in your province, but if the option was that she couldn't take even half the house because of this, I would go for that. Do Not Cave to your "gut". Your "gut" is off-key right now, because you're wanting her to want you as much as possible so you don't feel like a failure. You're not in that situation anymore. It's Done. Cooked. Over-cooked. She's not your wife, she has a Boyfriend who has given her unprotected sex up the yin-yang, coating her from lips to lips with his own juices. And she's begging for more again. REMEMBER THAT. GTFO the relationship, ASAP. You should Not Want her in any way.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 9
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/18/2019 4:03:24 PM
There is no good time to ask for a divorce. Where you got your shafting 4 days before your 13th anniversary, I got mine 2 days after my 23rd anniversary.

You came to the right place, however. Because most of us have hoed that row before, and we can toss you helpful info.

Do not believe that you'll remain friends with your ex. My ex spouted off the exact same lie. Mine wasn't divorced quite a year, before she remarried. I found out before they were going to marry, it gave me a chance to send him a sympathy card.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 10
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Wife leaving me
Posted: 3/18/2019 6:53:36 PM
OP, You are a mug and a doormat to her. If that is how low you think of yourself to put up with this nonsense then you deserve every last bit that is coming to you.

Man up!
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