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 wonderingtom808
Joined: 1/12/2019
Msg: 1
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishingPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
right so i've came to pof and online dating after ending a 3 year engagement, im ready to get back out and meet someone new, but here is the thing - i've no problems getting messages in the first place at all, infact I usually log in to an inbox full, so im pretty sure my problem is not to do with my appearance or for lack of better words 'sex appeal' the problem I seem to be having is the actual date, ive had 3 dates now since my return to the single life, all 3 very attractive women, same in person too. i've been selective as tbh I could have a date a night if I had the money ! but in all the 3 cases the date had seemingly gone fine ((I never do nothing heavy on a first date, usually just a local meet for a drink or 2 . conversation has flowed after the initial (awkward first I just met you 5 mins)) laughs have been had, even say a casual flirt or 2 exchanged, ive never felt a bad vibe after that initial 5 mins ive just said about yet, but in all 3 cases come the day after I try send a nice message to initiate another meet up (a follow up date) and im totally blanked, like for all I know they have blocked my number …..now once I can understand, but 3 times in a row is obviously something that's happening . now I don't think this is down to my appearance, my looks ...I think its something im doing in the conduct of the date whilst im on it ….. is this a frequent thing with online ? im hoping someone can spread some light in to what could be happening / going wrong ?
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 2
problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 6:23:10 AM
^^ Try to initiate the next date at the end of your next first meet.

Other than that, one can only guess.
problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 10:13:47 AM
it could be something in the date. maybe somehow you make the ladies uncomfortable. maybe you're too sexual. maybe you've judged other women on their sexual histories. maybe you boast too much. maybe you list your achievements. maybe you don't stir their emotions, or make them feel any. maybe you talk too much about yourself, and don't ask enough questions about what makes their personality unique from other women. maybe they feel like they are another notch in your belt, or they can be easily replaced by the next woman.

ask your female friends for help. they may see something we can't.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 4
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 11:00:46 AM
On one hand, it would be nice if dates could give you an online evaluation about why they don't want to see you again. So often you think and think on it and can't figure it out. It would be nice for feedback so you could know what you do wrong so you can change it.

On the other hand, you might learn that there is nothing you can change and hearing that hurts too much. The truth is, its often that your look isn't right for them or they liked you but felt no real attraction. Hearing that too much would be awful.

I have been rejected a few times and most guys haven't told me why. I have been told a couple times its because they don't want to date someone with kids and once it was weight and otherwise nada, I got nothing to go on. Sometimes I get really down on myself, wondering what is so wrong with me. Other times I remember that there have been guys that have liked me so I can't be too awful. And I try to focus on the positive words I have gotten. I remember in Grade 11 we had to write something nice about about every person on a little piece of paper in the class and hand it in and it was anonymous. I got all those little pieces of paper back and a lot of people said I had a really nice smile and a lot of people said I was really nice to everyone and some people said I had a nice sense of humour. It made me feel good. It would be great if we could get positive feedback from our dates to figure out what we did do good.

The only thing we can do is look at ourselves and focus on things we can change so that we are happier with ourselves. For me it is working on my self-esteem and working on my level of physical fitness. I'm gonna start watching self-help videos on youtube again, I think they really helped me last year. And as for physical fitness, my home fitness sessions stopped back in November with the cold weather so I need to restart. I have been playing indoor soccer once a week all winter and soccer ends next week so I think the timing is good to get back into weight-training and cardio. The outdoor soccer season starts towards the end of May and it would be nice to be in even better shape. Playing soccer with all these guys in their 20s (and two girls also in their 20s) you start to really feel older and less in shape. There are a few of us over 30s and a couple over 40s in soccer and I want to play as long as I possibly can because it really makes me happy playing. I am going to try not to focus on the weight thing but rather than fitness as a whole.

If you could self-reflect, what would you say are your positive qualities, something that would make you desireable? What are the things you think you should and can change to improve your own self-image so that you can make yourself a more desireable partner? To clarify, I am not saying change yourself for someone else, change yourself for your own happiness. I know all the sayings about how you should be happy with who you are and others should be too and all that jazz. But the truth is, dating is tough and if you want a partner, sometimes you do have to up your game. I guess it depends on how much you want to be with someone. There's a hell of a lot of people on this forum who insist they are happy with being alone and would jot change for anything.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 5
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 11:40:39 AM
Yeah, what Mr. Sprectra said.
I think it's a good idea to inquire about a future meeting
or date right after the first meet is over. That suggests you're
interested.

Not mentioning it or saying something along the lines of
I'll call you, or we'll talk again, or whatever, doesn't sound
enthusiastic.

Worst case scenario, they'll say no to a second date and you
won't have to wonder. If they're hedgy regarding a next time,
assume lukewarm interest.

I'm not interested in why someone doesn't like me, but I know
others like to know, so I can't help you with that.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 6
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 12:00:47 PM
I don't think its a good idea to ask for a second date before or just as the first date is done. Many guys have asked me for second dates at the end of the date and I have lied and said sure but then cancelled as soon as I got home because I want to avoid an awkward face-to-face rejection with someone I don't know well.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 7
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 12:44:11 PM
I dunno, isn't lying or deceiving about our intentions
one of the top complaints around here?

Why tell him sure if you weren't sure? Why not say you
weren't sure and you'd let him know? No is a complete
sentence. No thank you is a complete sentence that is
also polite.

This is an example of "what the heck happened? Everything
seemed great, I asked to see her again, she said yes...then
she changed her mind. What did I do wrong? What could I
do different? Why does this keep happening?"
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 8
problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 12:50:50 PM

I dunno, isn't lying or deceiving about our intentions one of the top complaints around here?


A liar is a liar in the end. Nobody likes rejection. But such lucky guy to get out so easy
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 9
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/6/2019 1:10:06 PM
Yes, it is lying but I have a really hard time rejecting someone to their face. I feel horrible. Plus when its someone you don't really know, I worry they'll react horridly. And on the two occasions someone has said they weren't interested at the end of the date before we said our goodbyes I had a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I much rather that they had shot me a text later telling me no. In person breakups are more for people that have dated a while and not first dates.
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 10
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 2:20:34 AM
Your profile pics give off a "bad-boy" persona they can't resist, then they find out you aren't such a bad boy and there is nothing to reform. You ARE a bad-boy and they realize perhaps that isn't the best life after all. You talk about yourself instead of guiding them to talk about themselves.

Or.. who the heck knows!
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 11
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 6:55:40 AM
@ OP


hoping someone can spread some light in to what could be happening / going wrong ?


It will be hard for anyone in a forum to tell you where your problem lies............asking for a 2nd date at the end of the first date usually doesn't work (regardless how she answers), if she is not interested in seeing you again.

you might consider using a surrogate date........that is, hire a person (female) to go on a mock date, where you can be yourself...and do and say the same things you did on your real dates...........the surrogate will "grade" you on your appearance, manners, speech & content....but not on looks (that is person dependant).....and she may be able to tell you what you might be doing wrong.

do not use a friend or family.....they will be too biased
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 12
problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 7:41:28 AM

asking for a 2nd date at the end of the first date usually doesn't work (regardless how she answers), if she is not interested in seeing you again.


Nothing to lose then if you go with asking for the 2nd date in person. Women like confidence from my experience.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 13
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 8:30:15 AM
I still disagree with asking for a 2nd date during the 1st. Might make you seem too eager and that can be a putoff. Especially if she isn't sure yet if she likes you yet. When a guy seems super into you and you only feel lukewarm about it, it might make you feel too much pressure to feel the same way too fast.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 14
problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 8:52:59 AM
No pressure at all. I'm asking if they'd like to meet up again. It's not like I'm asking them to marry me, and this works for me and friends. On saying that, that's if they don't offer you back that night... You'd be amazed. Women need to scratch that itch too.

Oh and I am eager if I'm meeting a Woman that I'm interested in. Not just turning up to just see with lukewarm interest. You have done this correct with guys you weren't into? and how did that go for you. I'm not judging that btw.. Got to be in it to win it.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 15
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 9:01:06 AM

I still disagree with asking for a 2nd date during the 1st. Might make you seem too eager and that can be a putoff. Especially if she isn't sure yet if she likes you yet. When a guy seems super into you and you only feel lukewarm about it, it might make you feel too much pressure to feel the same way too fast.


Why is it a put off to show interest in someone? No one is saying you jump his bones at the table and give him so licks, just
showing interest and saying yes if they ask you if you'd like to meet up again.

If you're not interested, bring out the lukewarm approach, which sometimes is used as the "I really like you but I'm afraid you
don't like me as much so I'm going to be cool and not show much interest so then you'll wonder if you should bother to call me
again and then when we get married and break up, I'll look back on this encounter as the I KNEW IT MOMENT" approach.

Or just sit back and watch your life fly by.
And believe me...it does fly.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 16
problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 9:09:10 AM

Or just sit back and watch your life fly by. And believe me...it does fly.


I feel like every week is in fast forward nowadays. It will be Xmas soon enough



In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.

Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 17
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 10:22:57 AM
If the women drove themselves, do you text later to make sure they made it home safely, and to tell them you enjoyed yourself?
This follow-up always scores points with me.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 18
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 11:42:32 AM

I feel like every week is in fast forward nowadays. It will be Xmas soon enough



Wait until you get to be my age. You go to bed wassailing at New Years in the snow, and wake up in your
sand chair on the beach with a seagull stealing your sammich.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 19
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 1:39:00 PM
Time sure is flying. Way too fast.

I've never gone on a real date where I was smitten with someone except once 12 years ago. Maybe that is part of the problem. I have gone on a meetup and been only so-so about a guy but when he obviously really likes me I panic because of the guilt of not feeling the same way gets to me. Some guys I see potential and will go out with again but then they say something that completely jumps the shark and sends me into flight mode. Like for instance, me thinking I might like a guy but then he says he is having such a good time and really likes me and see us being longterm. Then I hit the stop button. Its happened too many times. Too much too quickly.

And about scratching that itch...I have on a couple occasions gone and slept with someone I had no intention on seeing again. But that was almost pity sex. It felt nice to be really liked but I felt guilty not being into them.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 20
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 2:00:49 PM
msg#19:^^^

What's with all the guilt, July?
Rest assured the guys who got laid (pity sex--he doesn't know that), the guys that did not get another date with you---did not give it another thought. One got laid, the other will just find someone else to date.

Maybe it adds drama and gravitas in your mind---making you feel more important to them than you were/are. IDK
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 21
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 2:31:30 PM
I don't know. I did it twice. Both guys were just really nice guys who hadn't gotten to go on a lot of dates. One guy said I was the first girl who'd gone out with him in 2 years and the other was a guy who had a cousin who I was friends with who upon hearing I was going on a date with him, told me a whole long sob story about him and I really felt bad for him knowing that and when he had such a great date planned I really wanted to thank him even though I didn't want to go out with him again. What really gets to me is when a guy tells me he hasn't gotten a date in years and he's too excited about the prospect of one. And being in the location I am in I know that there is a limited amount of prospects.
problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 3:34:33 PM

Like for instance, me thinking I might like a guy but then he says he is having such a good time and really likes me and see us being longterm

If they are saying this after the first or second date, you need to run far and fast. I wouldn't make a long term commitment to a pair of Michael Kor shoes after only wearing them once or twice. I couldn't imagine picking a long term partner after the second date.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 23
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 4:33:42 PM

And on the two occasions someone has said they weren't interested at the end of the date before we said our goodbyes I had a hard time keeping my emotions in check

What emotions??
You just met the dudes....how are emotions even a possibility at this point?



But that was almost pity sex

for him .... or yourself??
Stop with the excuses....you wanted laid....you got laid.
No shame....you are an adult.

How does the same person admit to both these comments??
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 24
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/7/2019 4:52:04 PM
I think maybe I am, even though I'm 35, a little immature when it comes to this stuff. I didn't date as a teen and barely dated in university before entering a longterm relationship. I say these comments here and even I know I sound ridiculous. Lessons I should have figured out years ago.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 25
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problems with time wasters and unexplainable vanishing
Posted: 3/8/2019 7:27:23 PM
Do you have any idea how rich you would be if you were the first person to figure out how women think? Seriously dude, every guy goes through this. I've had many dates that would kiss me and act all into me and then vanish after. It's par for the course. Only suggestion is to mix real life activities with online dating so you're not stuck with the same dating pool.
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