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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?      Home login  
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 zonavar68
Joined: 8/16/2015
Msg: 1
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Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?Page 1 of 1    
I'm introverted. Can't help how I am. Most of us are not 'alpha' or 'goal-oriented go-getting types', and I'm sure a lot of you are not extroverts either.

The main 'takeaway' I'm getting from dating is that for introverted people, forming friendships which lead to something else seems to be difficult if not impossible. Almost like there's a big level of mutual exclusivity.

As most of you will know from your own life experience, introverts have a lot of social difficulties and regardless of how someone 'markets' themself to a wider audience, the most common outcome seems to be getting friendzoned (the person you've been dating decides that she 'really only wants to be a friend' with you despite accepting your share emotional capital in the 'getting to know you' phase).

How can us introverts overcome that? Is there some trick I'm missing? Yes I do wierd shiftwork and that would account for well over half of the problems with trying to make dating happen, and work out because I'm either (a) not available or (b) super fatigued/tired. I think it would be a very bad decision to considering dumping my job of the last 30 yrs purely because it's so difficult to fathom any successful dating outcomes.

I think the introversion could be a central reason why dating (online and in person - I never really go out so the in-person stuff is pretty much null and void) leads to no outcome.

I keep trying - like most people do when they feel life is giving them lemons. Dating seems to be for social, outgoing, extroverted, alpha types as that's where the success factors all seem to be.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 2
Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?
Posted: 3/15/2019 5:11:00 AM
Personally, I think you suffer from Social Anxiety. It isn't easy but really need to stop giving a damn what they might think. You're f'n awesome and that's what matters.

I'd wrote a lot more, but in regards to my previous statement. I don't think It would help said Anxiety.

Do not give your job up for Women. Only it affects your health. Nights hit my health after 4 years ramming it so had to give them up.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
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Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?
Posted: 3/19/2019 9:52:04 PM
Zon68....This thread and your 'living arrangement' thread are very contradictory. In this thread, you've been at the same job for 30 years and in the other it seems that you've been moving around for the past 11 years due to jobs.
I am also a natural introvert who has learned to exude a more extroverted personality but my story doesn't differ from thread to thread. I may be way off course but....is it possible that you feel you should be in a better place? Perhaps embarrassed by your financial picture and therefore you don't think you will measure up? This could be increasing the extent of your introvert personality and possibly creating social anxiety?
There are people who will accept you just as you are and love you if you can learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself for what you believe are your failures. Stop looking back and look to the future. Life is too short for regret and self-recrimination. I apologize if I have made the wrong assumptions.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
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Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?
Posted: 3/20/2019 7:01:18 AM
Okay I gotta say I sympathize with you, but you make many generalizations, and blame it on being "introverted". 25%-35% of the population might fall under being introverted. Being introverted doesn't men you can't get social skills. Famous actors like Tom Hanks and Johnny Depp are introverts.
You know what? I am completely a born and bred introvert. I even had the curse of shyness in my youth. But one can overcome shyness. One can develop social skills. In fact, I will go as far to say learning social skills can be easy for introverts because introverts are gifted with EXTREME observation skills. According to some Yale study, introverts make the best, most gifted social scientists.

You just got to get over the shyness, if that is what is holding you back. Sure group situations suck. I have always been bad in loud mouth big group situations. Best way to deal with that is make one on one relationships with those that will be in the group, kind of like divide and conquer. Also ALWAYS dress better, groom better than those in the group. Reason is the quiet guy is ripe to always get "picked on" but if are very personable, what are they going to say? But this is all high school stuff.

As an adult I really don't see a dilemma in being introverted and online dating is perfect for introverts since it is one on one(except for the time I met twins). Focus on not giving a s#$t so you won't be shy. Shyness is more the issue than being introverted. Shyness holds one back and those negative thoughts can get a life of its own in your own head. The internal negativity is the Achilles' heel of introverts IMHO.

As for not being Alpha, that has nothing to do with being introverted or not. Dominance is a state of mind and presence. Be confident and assertive and that will be Alpha enough.

Friend-zoned? What are you 22? Guys don't get put into the friend zone. I have said it before and I will say it again: STOP becoming friends with women you are attracted to, unless friends with benefits,and it won't be an issue.

I don't know about you, but I choose my friends, I don't let a gal make me her friend. I have found that once you stop becoming, as Chris Rock once said..d#$k in a jar, women will see you are NOT material to friend zone. They will either want to have nothing to do with you(good riddance) or want to fr@ck your brains out. Women have no reason to make you a lover if they can sponge off your" emotional capital" as you call it. They often will save the lover spot for the exciting , selfish **stard that can care less who is confident and save the emotion capital stuff for you. Sharing "emotional capital"( just saying that makes me feel feminine) is similar to their friendships with other women. You wanna be a women? Don't act like one.

Next time a women rejects you and wants to "friend-zone you" in a callous way , ask her what does she have to offer you that would make you want her as a friend. Put the spotlight on her to win you over , and you reject her(because she won't have an answer) then you probably will feel more confidence because you finally had control and she will feel rejected. Of course being a scorned women she will probably in her mind convince herself that you are a big a$$hole monster since she can't handle rejection. But point is you will not be in situations expanding "emotional capital" on relationships that you don't want in the 1st place. That means you will be more available for type of relationship you are looking for. That is when you start becoming Alpha, you call the shots in your own life.

Now you see the advantage of being an introvert ? An introvert can actually plot/manipulate social situations with such precision to get what they want. The word "manipulate" is often given negative meaning (by non confident people) but it is one of the realities of life. All animals do it. It only looks like manipulation when your social skills are lacking.

As for shift work, been there... done that. I was put on rotating schedules my 1st few years on the job. It is hard, and this was before online dating. Dates had to be done at lunch sometimes. Dropping dates off before heading into work is a major boner killer. Spontaneity gets lost in translation.

Best you can do is associate with other weirdo's like yourself..nurses, bartenders, strippers,ect who share weird shift work. Advantage is you get to meet many wise people, since older people are usually up and about when normal people work. I met many extraordinary folks.



I think it would be a very bad decision to considering dumping my job of the last 30 yrs purely because it's so difficult to fathom any successful dating outcomes.

Only do that if you have other lucrative options and you really don't like your job. I don't necessarily agree with those that say your job should come before dating. REALITY check: it is common for people to take jobs and even move for social reasons. Why do you think 4 million young dumb asses live in NYC, one of the most expensive cities in the world, paying for tiny studios shared with roommates on a bunk bed?
Social reasons! People often relocate for social reasons . Same reason people run up 200k in debt going to a college with dorms majoring in witchcraft. My social interactions is what made my dangerous job bearable in the 1st place.
That being said, 30 yrs on the job, without having to deal with dating means you must be prime for retiring in the next 10 years. Tuff it out and once you retire dating can be easier.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
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Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?
Posted: 3/20/2019 7:54:32 AM

You know what? I am completely a born and bred introvert. I even had the curse of shyness in my youth. But one can overcome shyness. One can develop social skills. In fact, I will go as far to say learning social skills can be easy for introverts because introverts are gifted with EXTREME observation skills.


Absolutely and particularly once we stop measuring ourselves with other people's yard sticks. Being shy creates empathy for the other shy ones and we introverts will often seek out the one in the corner because we know how it feels.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 6
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Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?
Posted: 3/20/2019 8:27:05 AM
^^^^True. I also envy today's introverts because being introvert is considered more cool today for the younger generation. Geeks and nerds are cool today. For those of us from Gen X growing up in the 80's we , especially men , had to deal with the stereotypes by the likes of the Beastie Boys, that any intelligent introverted male is a nerd. Just being tall with dark hair made you a nerd. Sure I was an honor student but I also played football. I STILL got into many fights, until H.S., just because of a media stereotype that existed in the 80's based on other people yard sticks. Talking to the quiet people in the corner got you ostracized. It changed when I got to H.S. because my "observational skills" taught me how to deal with social bullies. I actually started challenging every bully that messed with me as a freshmen to step outside to fight. I knew 99% of bullies are cowards and I grew up with a larger older brother so I could scrap.. I then spent 4 years being the scourge of bullies. Befriending those bullies ostracized. I was even nicknamed the Punisher!

That being said, I would like to punch every Beastie Boy in the face if I ever see them. Sometimes revenge is a dish best served cold! ;P
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
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Dating as a mature introvert? How can someone make it successful?
Posted: 3/20/2019 10:44:28 AM

Geeks and nerds are cool today.

But geeks & nerds then and now aren't (necessarily) introvert types. Plenty of jocks can be pretty low-key and introverted. I think geeks & nerds are more introverted when it comes to cute Sally -- but yes, nowadays they have a much better chance at the "mainstream" girls, as being kind of geeky/nerdy is more mainstream. :)

Personally, I think you suffer from Social Anxiety.

I agree. It's that. You can be of any social-style with friends/peers of a particular 'type' but have social anxiety. How OP describes it, it seems kind of strong.

How can us introverts overcome that? Is there some trick I'm missing?

Doing it solo is tough. Real tough when you're at the position you're at. You have to be able to face rejection and revel in it. Basically, the best way to get thru it -- is to change. Which almost always requires you to develop kinship with others who are outgoing and social. You doing so and exposing yourself to that, over time, will open you up until it becomes the norm, among friends. Then, as that has begun to develop, you don't rely on your peers so much, but you initiate convo with others too. And it goes from there.

Starting from scratch by yourself to become comfortably socially open without much fear is tough. First, basically everyone's going to have a little fear. So don't fear fear in and of itself. But you want to make sure you're more or less Kosher in how you come across. If you're going solo: First, still, aim to be socially open with GUYS. Get that going. This lubricates the engine, and opens you up. Go to meetup.com stuff, no aim to find girls -- just open yourself up socially in general. Second, don't start off by trying to pick up girls, but just making convo. Walking into a supermarket, and a lady (of any looks) is walking out? Smile and say hello In Passing. It's much easier. Seems like a waste of time, but it's not. Your goal isn't to pick her up -- it's to open You up, on the inside. Do this A Lot. It will become natural. Again, your goal is Not to "find a girl". It's to first be comfortable with the social arena in general & being social in it by second nature.

Once you do open yourself up socially and it's in your comfort zone -- you can end up moving toward making moves on gals and avoiding friend-zones. With select girls, you flirt, and you don't project yourself to be their friend. You don't try to be their friend first, hoping they'll open up to like you some time. You can 'settle' on being their friend if they Do have female friends; but not a close friend, but a go-to person like a guy you know who can get you into a certain bar. The gal isn't going to (most likely) want to develop some close kinship anyway -- just being social.

Play the long-game. Patience. Aim to be Comfortable Being Socially Open, first. Nix being comfortable being a shoulder to lean on, being a guy-friend (no, that doesn't work).
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