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 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 1
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Honest questionPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hey all,

I'm a licensed social worker, so I have continuing education classes to take in order to keep my license. Recently, I finished one focused on telling parents their child has been assaulted. Something popped in my head though: what happens if you get involved with someone that already has kids, and they claim you abused them, when you didn't? It's not uncommon for kids to claim their mom/dad's new s/o did something like that in order to keep the possibility of their parents getting back together alive, or to ensure that noboody else "steals" that parent's attention away from the child. Even if you did nothing wrong, you are still screwed/guilty. Guys, and even some women are "fingered" for something like that, and they lose everything. Personally, I've busted my butt earning my education, license, etc. If I ever decide to date, I don't think I'd even entertain the possibility of dating someone with kids; especially a pre-teen or teen girl. She may be a great catch, but fear would stop me cold, and I don't believe I'd ever think twice. So, what's everyone's feelings about something like this?
Honest question
Posted: 3/17/2019 3:22:12 PM
You have never worked as a social worker. IF you ever do get a real job, or a real girlfriend, you will have a better understanding of these situations.

This "dilemma" is similar to the question you posed 6 years ago as phinatic14 in 2013:
Marriage & kids or medical school?
https://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts16091454.aspx

The reality is that you just keep going to school to avoid getting out in the real world and there is no indication that will EVER change, as long as your mother allows you to live with her.

A pre-teen/teen girl can definitely benefit from the presence of a stable, secure and responsible man in her life that is willing to model positive, mature, male behavior. I don't think you qualify, so yeah, I would recommend that you avoid dating women with children.

You have never had a relationship, so the issue of who you CHOOSE to date seems moot. But, sure, tighten up your dating parameters to eliminate any imaginary dates with women who have children.

You will still have just as many dating opportunities as you have ever had. Same as your imaginary marriage opportunities AND your imaginary med school opportunities. Why not focus on getting an actual JOB with which you can support yourself, instead of fantasizing about who you can turn down dating-wise.

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you want to be with me
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' ...
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 3
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Honest question
Posted: 3/17/2019 3:23:19 PM
Op:

Do you/ have you work(ed) with children?


Ms. Fish? However do you remember this stuff? Dang you're good! Lol
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 4
Honest question
Posted: 3/17/2019 3:41:19 PM
^^ It must be all the Omega 3 running through her veins
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 5
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Honest question
Posted: 3/17/2019 4:27:40 PM
Learn to keep your distance. That's what I did with my niece.

My older sister hated me with a passion. In the back of my mind, I made it a point to hold some distance between her and I. Then one day, when she was about 4 years old, I put my hand on her arm, and she screamed bloody murder. I never did it before, and I never touched her again.

Two years later, her parents when through a very messy divorce. Her mother accused her father of taking some sexual advantages of his daughter. Of course, the whole divorce was full of lies, deception, and accusations. It ended up that the father never got visitation without supervision, and he eventually had to give up ever seeing his kids.

Now, in the past seven years, he at least has reunited with them. His daughter is now 38, and his son 35. Of course he missed out on them growing up. I actually had my niece check me out at a store where she was a cashier. I didn't recognise her, because she was 19 at the time. I hadn't seen her since age 5. Her mother, whom I've not seen since 1991 left her with anxiety issues, (among other things) and my niece had actually ran away from home for a month.

Now I see her a couple times a year. I'm an uncle, but since I never had much practice at it, we're more casual friends than anything.

I'd be cautious with a woman with kids. I do believe, given the chance, my sister would have tried to pin some sort sexual misconduct charges on me. And taken away everything I ever worked for. In this day and age, kids are always given the benefit of the doubt in the courts. I have a good friend in the same boat with his grandkids, and one conniving ex daughter-in-law. He wasn't allowed to see his grandkids for a while.

So yes, be wairy. Who knows what might happen.
 jerseynative7
Joined: 10/26/2018
Msg: 6
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Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 9:47:23 AM
Are you really dating that many women with teenage daughters? It seems like a strange thing to worry about.
Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 9:53:30 AM
if you think its an issue, then it certainly is. even where its not, you'll act like it is and people will wonder why you act that way.

i learned after a car accident, that if someone drives your car and crashes it, its not their insurance that pays things, its your own (and your rates likely rise). so i don't let people drive my car. does that mean i believe they'll crash it? no. it means i don't think its worth taking a risk.

many step parents don't get reported. some, however, do. and they never stop talking about the absolute hell they went thru, b/c the state (at least this one) never seems to end the investigation. time passes, and suddenly there's a call about new information or some other reason to open the case up again. so, if the way i avoid that is being choosy about where i park my pickle...um...i think its pretty easy. but i know for a lot of people, its not an easy decision to make...with either head.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 8
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Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 1:01:15 PM
Imagine this is the world we've come to.
We need to imagine scenarios where we may be falsely accused
so we avoid potential relationships.

I think if you're thinking like this, you need to avoid relationships
with kids.
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 9
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Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 2:32:14 PM

So, what's everyone's feelings about something like this?


If you are that worried about it..........then the solution is quite easy...........just don't date anyone with pre-teen or teen kids......period.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 10
Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 3:20:00 PM

I think if you're thinking like this, you need to avoid relationships
with kids.


Or possibly find a lady with no children currently and raise a family from scratch.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 11
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Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 5:38:47 PM

I wouldn't entertain the possibility of dating someone with kids


... Then it would seem to me, you are prepared to be dating no-one. Honestly, it seems like the last 30 years has seemed like some kind of baby boom. I think part of that is because our society has been thriving. There are many jobs, many with higher educations, and many women with high intellects and the desire to have children and continue working.

... Ok, I'm sure there are many horror stories out there, but I have to believe we only hear about them because the "squeaky wheel " makes the loudest noise and demands the most attention ( is somewhat abstract.

... This is the thing, when you are in the market for a significant other - realize the quest is more then it appears to be on the surface. Beneath the surface, is the REAL world - a world that means > if you are dating or you marry a woman, you actually date or marry the ladies life & the kids as well. They become partly yours, if you devote ALL of yourself to the partnership quest. There is no going half way, a womens children are by far ~ the most precious treasures they can & do possess. They will let NOTHING come in-between their responsibilities to their kids. What they are looking for, is a human being who will love, accept and in the long run ~ be a 2nd father, to a certain degree - to the children whom they love and cherish.

... Those who are un - easy or choose to remain as ones that may look in, but never become close to a perspective partners children ~ are possibly doomed to living alone, for the rest of their life. So my advice is ~ embrace the woman, embrace the kids & embrace your lives together. Eventually, sometimes sooner then later - the birds will leave the nest and on fly on back in, every now and then. If you are not happy with this, chances are you will never be happy with anything . Don't sell yourself short , love your woman ~ love your womans kids. If you can't do this ( in my opinion ), you are certainly destined to a more narrow & possibly more dangerous and un-stable life style. Being around the kids themselves, will separate the men from the boys ~ the responsible people from the irresponsible .

... Just my opinion ~ nothing more, nothing less ...
... heart / children / sun ...
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 12
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Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 5:54:24 PM
* On a side note *

... If a possible suitor, may be interested in dating either of my previous wives ~ that is fine ( if they are a " good " person ) If for some reason, they abuse or harm ANY of my children ~ I'll cut their f*uckin' heads off, and throw it in the sewer ...

... seriously ...
 Kokanee_Ice
Joined: 2/16/2019
Msg: 13
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Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 7:09:14 PM

... Then it would seem to me, you are prepared to be dating no-one. Honestly, it seems like the last 30 years has seemed like some kind of baby boom. I think part of that is because our society has been thriving. There are many jobs, many with higher educations, and many women with high intellects and the desire to have children and continue working.


On the contrary, when there are many jobs, many with higher education, and many women with high intellects the birth rate declines. This is because the pursuit of higher education postpones plans for children and women don’t need to marry early in their lives if they can support themselves without a man. There are probably more single women with no children now than there ever was.

You need to really want to take on the responsibility of helping to raise somebody else’s children, otherwise it is a recipe for disaster. It’s not just something you should accept as necessary because you want to date.
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 14
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Honest question
Posted: 3/18/2019 7:51:49 PM
^

I would have to agree with Kokanee

In large towns (like Cleveland), there should be be ample jobs for the better educated........and this is the population that tends to delay or pospone child-birth.....................Like in NYC, Boston, LA, and Chicago, there are many professional women who have chosen to delay marriage or having children into their early 30's...and I'm sure that is true to a good degree in your town too.

At age 36, working & educated....you are not what most would consider "too old" to meet women who are still childless..........the real question is if you have drawbacks that prevent you from meeting or forming a relationship.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 15
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Honest question
Posted: 3/19/2019 11:04:54 AM

Even if you did nothing wrong, you are still screwed/guilty.

True. You're presumed guilty until proven innocent, pretty much. And it doesn't require teenage-ish gals.

If I ever decide to date, I don't think I'd even entertain the possibility of dating someone with kids; especially a pre-teen or teen girl. She may be a great catch, but fear would stop me cold, and I don't believe I'd ever think twice.

You shouldn't presume a gal with a daughter is guilty until proven innocent, either. A vast majority aren't going to accuse you of "touching" them in that-way. And sure, you can still run into drama besides that, but remember: You going out on a date with a a seemingly really great gal does not = you meshing lives with she and her kids. Second, upon meeting said kid(s), you can make your judgement call then after your first few interactions around them.

When it comes to gals with kids, your main concern should be availability & feasibility. Some are totally tied down, some are not so much. Thinking about their kids calling bogus foul on 'touching' -- well, technically, you could have that with dates, too. We all know dates can go awry after date #1/2/3, so, who knows how they could technically play out, given enough of them. But you shouldn't let that stop you from the dating scene at all. By that rationale, you shouldn't be driving. :)
 aquaandorange14
Joined: 1/31/2017
Msg: 16
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Honest question
Posted: 3/25/2019 1:00:47 PM
[You have never worked as a social worker. IF you ever do get a real job, or a real girlfriend, you will have a better understanding of these situations.]

WHOA! Someone is off their medication today. I don't know how good your math skills are, but 2019-2013=6. Yes, I made that post 6 years ago. Have you ever heard the term "life happens"? I'm thinking not. I wasn't really planning on being t-boned by a drunk driver a few years back. All I wanted to do was go to the gym. I realize you are most likely invincible, but I was in the hospital for 5 months. I wasn't really planning on that, but life happens ya know. It took me a while to heal up, but I am happy to say I am in the best shape I've ever been in.

So, let's come back to 2019. I am a social worker, working at the Cleveland Clinic. I've got a nice lab coat with my name on it too, since for some reason people with initials behind their name like I do get one of those. I also teach three psychology courses at a nearby community college at night. It can get a bit exhausting, having to juggle all that with working out, taking care of my dog, etc. I wonder how I'm able to stay in school? Did I have plans to entertain medical school? Yes I did. However, and this may come as a shock to someone invincible like yourself, that accident kinda put a damper on things. Plans had to change, ya know.

So, because I do all of that, I live pretty comfortably in my mom's basement. It's in the park, that also happens to have a golf course on one side of the street. Got my dog with me, and an attached garage. So comfortably in fact, that I was able to buy season tickets to the Miami Dolphins.....and I live in Cleveland. What's cool is I bought a small condo on Ocean drive in Miami Beach, so I have somewhere to stay when I am there for games. Hotels are insanely expensive down there. I thought about moving there, but I like to have somewhere to escape to when it's snowing up here. Not exactly mom's basement, but nice. Other than that, I live a pretty simple life. I'm not the type to draw attention to myself.

[A pre-teen/teen girl can definitely benefit from the presence of a stable, secure and responsible man in her life that is willing to model positive, mature, male behavior. I don't think you qualify, so yeah, I would recommend that you avoid dating women with children.]

I'm thinking you have comprehension issues, because that's not what I asked. First, how do you know who I am or what I qualify as? You're basing that on a post I made six years ago? Seriously? I must be mature enough to be the my infant niece's godfather, and the go-to babysitter. What's cool is she's a Phil Collins fan like I am. Every time she's fussy, I turn on a little music; does the trick all the time. 'Groovy Kind of Love" puts her to sleep, "Sussudio" gets her bouncing and smiling. I asked this hypothetical(look it up) question from a professional stand-point. I bust my butt, and live well because of that. I realize you probably don't understand the human mind and thought process like I do, but that's not really an excuse. Moving on; one false claim, and your life is over, professionally and maybe personally. I didn't ask anything about a pre-teen/teen girl benefiting from this or that. In a nutshell if the potential benefits outweigh the risks. Where the hell do I ask about anything else?

[You will still have just as many dating opportunities as you have ever had. Same as your imaginary marriage opportunities]

How do you know what kind of opportunities I have? You don't do you? You're just assuming. I'm successful, in good shape, am told I'm a great person, etc. I've also lost over half my hearing, and wear something to try and help. I say that because the majority of women I met on match.com didn't exactly give me the response I was hoping for when I told them. So, I concluded that this would always be the case. Everyone is entitled to feel the way they do about things, and if my hearing loss and what I wear is a draw-back, then I accept that. I may not like it or agree with it, but I find no fault in that. Besides, I like jumping on a plane and attending games in shorts and my Cameron Wake jersey, when everyone else is in layers freezing up here. Are there women down there? Sure there are, many of which I enjoy spending time with when I am there. I have always said that if I ever get together with anyone, it will be someone from down there. However, as I told you: I don't want to move there, and they don't want to move here.

So, why it is you drifted so far off from my original, hypothetical question I don't know and don't care to speculate. Next time, read carefully and try to stay on-topic. Simply reading the context of the question and answering that question would really make you look good, instead of a total ass.
 Kokanee_Ice
Joined: 2/16/2019
Msg: 17
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Honest question
Posted: 3/25/2019 1:16:52 PM
^^^ That lady was accusing me of being out on the dole and having no way to support myself too. That’s totally false, I work a full-time job, often overtime, and I have more than one degree. Just ignore her comments. She obviously has an axe to grind.
 RoxyMoronic
Joined: 3/1/2019
Msg: 18
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Posted: 3/26/2019 1:54:30 AM
There are quite a few jobs that could potentially leave someone vulnerable to being accused of ‘inappropriateness’
That’s why there are policies and procedures. Create/apply some to relationships to minimise the risk.
 AdmiralDees
Joined: 6/8/2018
Msg: 19
Honest question
Posted: 3/27/2019 1:18:42 PM
No matter what the situation is, NEVER date a single mom. They're only good for a hump and dump.
 AdmiralDees
Joined: 6/8/2018
Msg: 20
Honest question
Posted: 3/27/2019 1:22:55 PM
also... fishy seeks master baiter is a bitter old hag!
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 21
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Honest question
Posted: 3/27/2019 3:35:53 PM
Op....

Given the education specifically required for your given profession... I am perplexed at the necessity of this line of inquiry???

What population do you work with?
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 22
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getting fingered for an alleged fingering you didn't finger on having to deal with
Posted: 3/29/2019 9:29:22 AM
"what population do you work with?"

>>>oh, i think the rich end of town has some crazies, too.

90% of the time, this will never be a problem. its the 10% that will send you over the edge. i just found out last night my former boss' perfect little wifey is divorcing him, and part of it is the son on the autism spectrum. another part is the rest of her accounting class gets to drive shiny new cars and he doesn't make a whole lot. from the moment i met her, i could have said, "she may be nice to date, but not for marriage" and not have 20/20 hindsight. sometimes if you can overlook good looks, you can see the red flags.
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 23
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Posted: 3/29/2019 11:38:00 AM
">>oh, i think the rich end of town has some crazies, too."

Not what is meant by the term "population" when in reference to the Social Services field. Smh
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 24
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getting fingered for an alleged fingering you didn't finger on having to deal with
Posted: 3/29/2019 1:00:37 PM

another part is the rest of her accounting class gets to drive shiny new cars and he doesn't make a whole lot.

Or The underlying reason, which will make only a few loose bricks make the whole wall fall.

from the moment i met her, i could have said, "she may be nice to date, but not for marriage" and not have 20/20 hindsight. sometimes if you can overlook good looks, you can see the red flags.

Here's what gets me -- and this goes for both guys & gals on either side: When you meet a gal who's really great looking that resonates with you in-that-way -- I can definitely see overlooking things in the sense of getting involved with them & dating. Sure. You're dating, you end up going steady, etc.

But after the initial honeymoon period wears off -- how in the world do you Not see the red flags, when things are going toward super seriousness?

The only rationales I can think of, aside from being real young & never really dated anyone Ever:

a) You're caught up in getting hitched, in and of itself. Being immature to think It by itself brings great value alone -- and you're chasing it. And viola -- she's beautiful. Their POV is focused on making mamma proud. This would be the requirement to not Care so much about red flags. It's "fixed" by doing what-you're-supposed-to-do -- get married, have kids, live the Hallmark moment. Her being beautiful makes it more fantasy-cum-real.

b) Even after the initial honeymoon period -- you're Still Chasing Her, underneath it all. Her beauty keeps making him emotionally chase, and her satisfaction with him -- underneath it all, he doesn't buy it. He's still trying to win her over. He gets tastes of it. But he can sense that she's not All In. When in chasing mode, we're going to overlook red flags; they're not the Issue. The issue is having her All In.

I believe in your story -- that guy was (b). I've been there before. But I partook in cutting the cord after living together, as me having to chase underneath it all ended up making me not happy, and there's No Way I would marry someone (or Live together for a long time) just because of their beauty. Their red flags show.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 25
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getting fingered for an alleged fingering you didn't finger on having to deal with
Posted: 4/1/2019 5:46:16 AM
A lot of people do marry someone due to beauty though because attraction trumps reason. Also, from what I've observed, when a guy marries a girl with a shit personality, he has a mother with a very similar personality. Never underestimate the influence a person's role models have in their future spouse. I got with a decently good-looking guy with a shit personality and it was because I had a lack of belief that I could find anyone decent. For women, it usually is due to self-esteem issues.

Part of me wanting to date now is that I don't want to date when my daughters are teenagers. My parents split when I was 12 and my mom dated a lot when I was a teenager. I had crushes on some of her boyfriends and I acted very weird around them. I definitely don't want to date with teenage daughters but I have 3 daughters and by the time all 3 are out of their teenage years I will be 51 which is 15 years from now. I don't want to wait till then. However, I think I am really hyper aware of my kids and there have been guys I think would make good stepparents and guys that wouldn't. I think my best bet would find a guy who also has daughters because he'd be much more in tune.
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