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 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 1
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Dealing with Angry KidsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
This for the single parents out there who have dealt with similar. I have been dealing with so much anger from my two oldest kids directed at me. They are constantly yelling at me, getting in trouble for talking back to me, calling me names, trying my every patience. I have been trying so hard to be a good mom, trying to balance discipline with showing that I love them and they don't seem to get the message. I spent an hour and a half making cupcakes with my oldest the other night, trying to spend one on one time but when I asked her to help me clean up afterwards it turned into a big fight. I asked her why does everything have to always turn into a fight, why could we just not have one good evening, why was she so angry at me and it came down to the same issue. She blames me for not letting her see her dad and for not letting her talk to him on the phone. And when I try to explain that's not the case she won't listen. It's really hard for me to explain why she doesn't see or talk to him. I've explained that her dad doesn't have enough money for gas or for his phone bill and she thinks that I can lend him the money and when I try to explain I don't have enough money to do that she gets so mad at me. She won't listen to any of that. I'm not out of tune, I know it's her dad she is really upset at but she can't tell him any of that because she's afraid of him getting mad at her and talking to her less. I'm just so tired of the fighting. It's like one day she's ok and the next day she's awful. And what really worries me is how much she is sounding like him in how she talks to me. I know she was exposed to how he talked to me for the first seven and a half years of her life and for her that's normal behaviour but it hurts me a lot and my attempts at trying to curb the behaviour fall flat. She's seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to help. I just have this fear that things are just going to get worse. She is constantly saying how she wants to go live with her dad and I remember when my parents split I felt the same so I really get how she feels. But her dad isn't a great person and it wouldn't be good for her to go live with him. he

Now, I'm a patient person but the other night I completely broke down and started crying. Both of my older kids were saying hurtful things and for the first time in over a year I actually snapped and then couldn't stop crying. I told them to go to bed and the next day they actually laughed at it. It didn't seem to bother them at all that they had made me so upset.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 2
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/7/2019 8:05:36 PM
You haven't stated anything about the kids themselves - ages, gender, hobbies - that kind of thing. It's natural for teenagers to want to rebel somewhat - the classic frame of mind is they are a juvenile mind in an adult body, and are trying to figure out what they can do. If these 'older' kids are eight or nine years old, it's a totally different demographic. Venting your feelings in here is common, but it needs to be framed somewhat to get decent advice - otherwise you might as well be talking to a wall.

I don't know anything about your household picture - but I do know there are parents who come in here posting similar laments that really do NOT do anything to allow their kids to branch out their social circles - join sports, church clubs or some other venue outside the home - and then complain about how their kids rail against them for being so restrictive. Time and money can be a difficult problem to get around, but not impossible. Some are very quick to blame their Ex as the limiting factor, but that is a bullsh1t excuse. What you do with the time you have with your kids is only limited by yourself. There is plenty of ways for a kid to learn adulting from someone other than Mom/Dad - if they are allowed to do so.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 3
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/7/2019 8:13:51 PM
Tell the kids, or Remind them that hurtful words/actions will not be tolerated. If it happens they will loose privileges, ect.
Tell the daughter that you will not discuss her dads issues w/ her as she shouldnt have that to worry on. Does the dad or the kids have Facebook? They could FB chat like on scheduled times, but not just when she wants (like to rant about you).

Household duties are the duties of all in household,,, when she is grown it will make sense. Dont want to??? Tell her doing is not an option.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 4
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/7/2019 10:53:49 PM
My older two are girls, ages 7 and 9. And they do get to participate in a lot. They both are in 4H and play soccer. I coach soccer too for one of their teams. I am so frustrated though because it's been over a year of fighting and I am wondering if this is just going to be my life with them until they grow up and leave home. I feel like they don't even love me, that they hate me. It's like I'm on the losing end of a brainwashing scheme by their father.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 5
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/8/2019 7:32:56 AM
You do have to remember kids don't necessarily know how to deal with emotions they're having. Look at us adults at times trying to deal with stuff and we know better how to deal with negative emotions, and we still don't act appropriately.

You may have to be cruel to be kind to nip it in the bud.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 6
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/8/2019 10:10:43 AM

You may have to be cruel to be kind to nip it in the bud.

And blaming it on 'brainwashing' by your Ex is avoiding responsibility.


I am wondering if this is just going to be my life with them until they grow up and leave home.

You are defeating yourself with words like this. That failure is between your own ears, not because of what is happening in real life.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 7
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Posted: 4/8/2019 11:16:07 AM

And blaming it on 'brainwashing' by your Ex is avoiding responsibility.


Yeah, I agree. I was trying not to be too harsh on the lass from the offset. She does need to stop that.

If it was me in the situation. I 'd start laughing at them while packing their bags then drive them to local care home pre scripted. Now see how much the kids laugh at her, more like cry while sh1t touches cloth. You're the adult so you set the tone. Keep your game face on all the way to the place saying I don't need to do this no more. Also when kids are bad punish and don't react. When they're good praise all the way and they get the right kind of attention. Positive reinforcement. Its hard being a single mum though and it doesn't come with a handbook. Parenting on a whole doesn't for anybody.

When my Son was growing up. I didn't need to say a word. All I did was look in his direction and he knew don't fk with me. But I didn't make a rod for my own back in first place from the day he was born. At worst I'd only have to say his name in the correct tone. 7 years old he'd cry at a simple gaze. Now I say something forgetting his age and he's like "You're not my dad" haha. Funny.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 8
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/8/2019 11:17:58 AM
I call it brainwashing because when they come back after visits they are full of ideas about me and my family and are convinced that it's all truth. It's like my ex is trying very hard to sabatoge things because he wants to be the number one parent. He's constantly telling my daughters how great life will be when they move in with him permanently and promising them things he knows I can't/won't give them. Its causing my oldest daughter problems at school because she is constantly doing things and saying things because she believes her actions don't matter because she is gonna go live with her dad. And I have asked him to stop telling her living with him is an option because until she accepts her present situation she won't be able to settle into it. His words to me (via text) were "I will never stop because one day they will be living with me". Even his sister had a talk with him to try and see that he's only hurting his daughter by saying these things to her but his sister said he only laughed when she tried to tell him and said she needs to mind her own business.

Right now my ex has his phone disconnected so he hasn't been talking to them which is why the kids are so angry right now. And I know that before long their behaviour will improve as they don't see him or hear from him but then eventually he's going to start contacting them constantly until suddenly he loses touch with them again and they are going to act up again. This has been a constant pattern with him. He'll phone multiple times a day for a week and then radio silence for two weeks.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 9
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/8/2019 11:19:00 AM

I call it brainwashing because when they come back after visits they are full of ideas about me and my family and are convinced that it's all truth.


They then grow up and see he is completely talking rubbish , thus, digging his own grave. Play the long game July.

I think let her go stay with him. She'll be back in no time. Grass is never greener. He is playing a game like this because he doesn't think you'll let her go there.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 10
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/8/2019 12:00:48 PM
That's not how custody works here. If I let her go live with him he would have no obligation to let her move back.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 11
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Posted: 4/8/2019 12:27:13 PM
You need to work within the constraints given July but you'll only get treated the way you allow the kids to treat you.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 12
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/8/2019 12:57:42 PM

It's like my ex is trying very hard to sabotage things because he wants to be the number one parent.

Welcome to Divorce Parenting 101.

My brothers' Ex has filed false Child Order of Protection orders (Abuse claims) against him no less than FOUR times in the last Five years, and has established a chummy relationship with the local custody evaluators and school district employees. Every time it happens, he proves his innocence in court, but racks up a few thousand dollars in legal fees - and the County employees drag their feet filing the paperwork. The last claim was in August, and they decided instead of fighting it out to do a custody re-evaluation. The custody evaluator for the last six months has claimed she can never get a hold of him - but he bought a burner phone that only SHE has the number. He has the evidence via phone records that her claim is total B.S. and she will probably get fired. Right now the only way he can see his kids is two hours a month under strict supervision, like a convict. He can't even bring his cell phone in the room to show them pictures of their Grandparents or cousins. He has lost his job TWICE - once as a substitute School teacher, and once as a Bus Driver - because of her bullsh*t restraining orders. The woman is responsible for about eight people losing their job at the school district, county and daycare places - manipulating favors and stuff beyond what she is legally allowed to do -- and she will keep burning through people to make sure she stays the #1 parent no matter what. That is what people are capable of doing -- so get used to it.


His words to me (via text) were "I will never stop because one day they will be living with me".

Good. You have a text message within a conversation, time coded and everything. Save that. Make a record of it. Journal any and all threats or violations of your sovereign parenting -- but just keep in mind, YOU have to keep YOUR parenting on YOUR side of the line as well. Separate but equal. Let him be an azzhole and dig his own grave. That is what the others mean by 'playing the long game'.
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 13
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/8/2019 8:03:33 PM
Take your daughter to her room, the park or other safe place to talk about the other night. Just the two of you. You get to do the right thing even when it feels like it doesn't matter - because it does. You'll bite your tongue to keep from retaliating so you can really talk with her. Don't excuse her father, but don't accuse either.

Here are just 2 articles to help guide you.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/post_n_3300194

https://www.sonyanwhitecoaching.com/what-to-do-when-your-ex-is-badmouthing-you/


Your children need a safe place to talk about what they think, feel and hear. You're their safe place. I hope you have a good support system.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 14
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/9/2019 2:33:19 AM
Aren't they a bit young to be treating you like that? That is learnt behaviour. I'd say she did learn it from the ex. I could understand that behaviour in a teen but it a 9 year old, what?

It's likely only going to get worse unless you get it under control now. At this age she is testing her limits on how she can treat you and how she can get her own way.

Tell her her behaviour is completely unnacceptable and she is not to talk to you in a disrespectful way. Sadly letting her live with him will likely only make it worse becase he will have more direct access to the child to brain wash her.

It seems like the ex is only bad mouthing to them about you and you don't bad mouth him?
Maybe if you told them the truth about him the brain washing would be less effective.

Don't let them get away with any bad behaviour and have suitable punishments when they treat you poorly.
They are testing you.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 15
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/9/2019 2:43:54 AM

I call it brainwashing because when they come back after visits they are full of ideas about me and my family and are convinced that it's all truth. It's like my ex is trying very hard to sabatoge things because he wants to be the number one parent.


Psychological warfare. He's psychologically manipulating them against you.
In psychological warfare the aim is to use manipulative tactics to intimidate or persuade a person or people.
This process is usually employed through propaganda. Propaganda is ideas or statements that are false or exaggerated and is deliberately spread.

His manipulation will be less sucessful if you explain that he is going to lie and say bad things about you, and give examples.
So they will be expecting it and already mentally "vacinated" against the brain washing.
It's harder to change the beliefs once they are already exposed though.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 16
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/9/2019 9:07:14 AM

Take your daughter to her room, the park or other safe place to talk about the other night. Just the two of you. You get to do the right thing even when it feels like it doesn't matter - because it does. You'll bite your tongue to keep from retaliating so you can really talk with her. Don't excuse her father, but don't accuse either.

Here are just 2 articles to help guide you.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/post_n_3300194

https://www.sonyanwhitecoaching.com/what-to-do-when-your-ex-is-badmouthing-you/


Your children need a safe place to talk about what they think, feel and hear. You're their safe place. I hope you have a good support system.


I'd follow this advice for now. You need to exhaust all avenues.



His manipulation will be less sucessful if you explain that he is going to lie and say bad things about you, and give examples.


She then would effectively on her side be manipulating her agenda because gotto be careful in what she says about the father. The kids need to look up to both parents given the chance. Time will show his true colours when kids think that doesn't add up. This doesn't at up.

I'd stick him on the Pedestal and say nothing except nice thing then in time the only way is down if you want to play the manipulation game.

The thing is. It isn't a game. It children lives and needs to be dealt with what she says with great care. The youngest is already lashing out because obviously doesn't know how to deal with the situation.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 17
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/9/2019 10:12:12 AM

His manipulation will be less successful if you explain that he is going to lie and say bad things about you, and give examples.

Wrong.
BE the better example.
Show the kids who you are, your friends are, and what is possible around you.
Give them a reason to stay around, not another reason to hate someone else.
That DOES NOT mean buying their love with toys and possessions. It means really LISTENING to them, engaging them, and finding out what they are really mad about.
Kids who have to sleep in a mattress on the floor in Dad's apartment are still going to like him better if Mom is blindly stuck on crucifying Dad and can't see the error of her own ways.
They can figure out what is a lie eventually. Proof is in actions, not words.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 18
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Posted: 4/9/2019 10:40:50 AM
I have stopped even saying a word about him, even just stating simple truths in order to refute one of his claims because they don't want to hear it. I think they are upset their dad moved 600kms away to be with his girlfriend but they blame me outwardly of course.

Yes, I must play the longgame. I was once in my kids' shoes and I get what they are going through.
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 19
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Posted: 4/9/2019 11:03:11 AM
Exactly, You have experience so you're armed for this situation.

I'd suggest do what ontheotherhand said about the youngest. You need to divide and conquer so to speak with the older ones.

You know your Kids better than anyone so take some reflection time. Write down what needs doing, and do it.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 20
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/9/2019 11:25:37 AM
I have three girls. The youngest, age 3, other than having atomic energy, doesn't give me any grief. It's strange to think that she will grow up never knowing the years her parents were together. I think she will definitely be better off.

My middle child I think feeds off her older sister. When her older sister is not around she is actually quite good. But when her big sister is around she is awful. Her older sister bullies her big time but my middle child wants to do everything she does and she tries emulating her. The key to improving things is by figuring out her older sister.
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 21
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Posted: 4/12/2019 7:27:07 PM
Since you were in your girls' shoes you should know that a pre-emptive "explanation" will only serve to further frustrate and alienate your girls. The only good time to talk about what daddy says is when they bring it up. And for goodness sake don't try to excuse yourself. Those links I gave you have good examples of what to say.
 Jay6598
Joined: 3/30/2019
Msg: 22
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Posted: 4/15/2019 7:36:43 PM
I had 3 boys, not girls and just from watching my little granddaughters, I can see they are a different breed to deal with.

But here's what I did with my kids. The oldest was 10 when we divorced and 7 and 5.

1. If there was tension in our new single parent family, I brought them all to my bed, we all got in and talked about what was wrong, with no blame on anyone. It helped them to feel safe in that bed and listen and talk.
2. I NEVER let them get away with disrespecting me. Mainly because they're boys and I didn't want them growing up thinking they could treat women that way and because I couldn't tolerate it in my house. When they tried to talk back to me, I would let them know that what they just said was disrespectful and they needed to find another way to say to me what they wanted to say, if they still didn't stop, I would grab them by the collar and let them know they would not disrespect me. AND I was CAREFUL to not disrespect them.
3. I NEVER put their dad down. And as they got older, they saw what it was. I didn't need to explain anything.

With my little granddaughter, she's 4, she starting to get a little pissy now and again and I stop her. I talk to her about what is wrong at the moment and ask her to explain what she wants. I let her know she can ask for what ever she wants and that if the answer is no, there's a reason for it and I'll explain why. I make deals with her, like we can't go outside not but how about we go in the playroom and jump on the trampoline...etc. No pissy girls, is my motto. I try to not let her walk away from me in a huff if she's mad about something. I ask (more like tell) her to stop and talk to me and that we're not going to be like that. And she will. And I end it with ok, that worked great, thanks for being a big girl and talking it out.

When my kids were older, 20+, their disappointment in their Dad was tremendous. I asked them to consider trying to accept him as he was. That he was only capable of so much and to try to let the rest go, for their own sakes. One of them is still working on it.

I think you gotta lay down the law. Ask them directly if they want to live in a happy house? And what does that mean to all of you. Let them know you all can be happy, even though the dad isn't there.
Laws-
Your House Will Be A Happy Place. No More Of The Pissy Girls. Not Allowed.
The Mom Will Be Respected.
Everyone In The House is Safe To Say What They Feel As Long As There Is Respect
We Will Have Fun (damnit!)
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 23
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Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/16/2019 8:42:52 AM
I am trying but my trying doesn't seem to be good enough when it comes to the oldest girl. I am actually trying right now to get into seeing mental health. My 9-year-old has always been pretty emotional and hyper and difficult to rein in and she's been seeing a school counselor once a month for the past 3 years but I suspect she needs something more. She has a.lot of the classic ADHD symptoms but I've always been against meds like ritalin and such because I believed we could just channel her energy elsewhere but she's started to get a bit out of control. And while I try to make her accountable for her behaviour and have always believed her behaviours were more nurture-related than natural-related I am beginning to wonder. She spent 7 years around her dad with his yelling and anger and name-calling and such and she does the same thing. And after living with him for 10 years I began to realize maybe there were things going on in his brain too that he maybe didn't even have control of. I have no doubt he has undiagnosed mental illness but I'm wondering if my daughter's behaviour is more genetic than just caused by her environment. Last year I did try getting her into a mental health program but because both me and her dad must give permission for the program (we have joint custody with me having primary custody) I couldn't get her in because he would not consent. This time I think I might just have to bite the bullet and go to court again so I can at least get her assessed because I cannot deal with her current behaviour on my own. I have bruises all over my arms and legs from getting kicked, pinched and bitten from dealing with her fighting when I've had to stop her from throwing things or not going after her sister or me for things that make her mad.
 purrfectionately
Joined: 4/6/2019
Msg: 24
Dealing with Angry Kids
Posted: 4/17/2019 5:13:35 AM
I have been through this "anger" with my now 29 and 34 year old daughters many times throughout their lives. I believe the root of their anger and rebellion stems from not spending time with their father. They are children, and the remedy is their own FATHER. Our eldest whom has memories of him deals with this very issue with much more difficulty. She is ADHD and bipolar. All the counselling, rehab, time in jail, has not helped. He passed when she was 8. Our youngest whom was closer to her step father (who passed when she was 17), has real "daddy" issues. She too has done the counselling to no avail.

My advice from a lifetime of dealing with the missing parent and related issues is MAKE the time any way you can.
They crave attention from their own father, there is NO replacement for him. You WILL deal with their adult issues if you do not make the time NOW.

...Not that you will listen to sound advice because much has been given to you here many times you choose to ignore.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 25
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Posted: 4/17/2019 6:43:07 AM
Time. I agree with you and I am trying. My 7-year-old really thrives the more time I spend with her but my 9-year-old does not, she seems to not want to spend time with me. I think in her head she thinks wanting me means rejecting her dad. She was daddy's girl too for so long and she has had a really difficult time with him moving so far away to be with his girlfriend and her 3 daughters. One thing that seems to help somewhat is getting my brother to spend time with her. While she doesn't want to spend time with me, she does like spending time with him and when he talks to her about her behaviour she at least listens a little bit. I think that is my best route with her because it is the male attention she really seeks. But the anger issues are something that she really needs help with professionally. She goes from 0 to 100 so quickly and the throwing things and hitting things gets intense.

It is really hard to give my kids one on one time, especially with my work. I have a 3-year-old that needs constant attention too which adds on the difficulty. Its a fine balancing act which I think I'm at the losing end of. I tried coaching my eldest in soccer but they didn't need any coaches in her age group but they asked me to coach her younger sister's team because they really needed coaches so that brought on much jealousy. I felt really bad the other day tok because my eldest had to do a speech for oratory at school and I couldn't go because I was denied the afternoon off work. What made it worse was I attended her younger sister's oratory competition the week before because I had gotten that afternoon off.
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