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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property      Home login  
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 massguy70
Joined: 1/10/2017
Msg: 1
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal propertyPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have a family member (early 20s) who recently broke up with her boyfriend. They were living together for a couple of years. She took some of her stuff when she left in the morning then went back to get the rest of it later in the afternoon. Her ex only allowed her to take a few things. And that was with a police officer there. Most of the furniture in the house is hers along with dishes, cookware, a couple of TVs along with personal/sentimental items that can't be replaced.

From what I've been told, she would have to prove the items are hers. That might not matter because he said he's going to destroy and/or throw everything out. Anyone have experience with this?
 spectravision
Joined: 3/20/2019
Msg: 2
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/22/2019 6:26:25 AM

Most of the furniture in the house is hers along with dishes, cookware, a couple of TVs along with personal/sentimental items that can't be replaced.


Sofa, Tv etc lose value. In no time have zero value.

Get all the blokes in your family, and friends and pop around en masse to get the sentimental stuff ;)

I'm not saying I condone it, but it was tried the lawful way.
 purrfectionately
Joined: 4/6/2019
Msg: 3
When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/22/2019 7:48:30 AM
Chalk it up to a live and learn situation. She should have gotten the sentimental stuff out and in her car while he wasn't there before breaking up. If her name is on the lease she has a legal right to be on the property, and collect her things. In the future she will know to take photos of all her things and have renters insurance. That way there will be a record of what is hers that cannot be disputed, for about $20 a month. Shes young and will bounce back; its just stuff.
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 4
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/22/2019 5:38:45 PM
^


Chalk it up to a live and learn situation...


I agree with purfect!
 massguy70
Joined: 1/10/2017
Msg: 5
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/22/2019 5:40:13 PM
I agree she didn't do the break-up the right way. Seeing that he was being an ass, she should have took what she could when he wasn't home. I guess it was getting messy when she said it was over so he wasn't going to let her leave for work. She then have to say she was coming back.

They were planning to get married at one point so wasn't planning on having move out. Some of the furniture doesn't matter but there are things she'd really like to get.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 6
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/23/2019 6:33:36 AM

From what I've been told, she would have to prove the items are hers. That might not matter because he said he's going to destroy and/or throw everything out. Anyone have experience with this?


Yeah, police were involved when I moved out as well. They said everything in the house was his unless I could prove otherwise and he didn't have to let me in to get my stuff. Fortunately, he did let me in for a few hours and I was able to get my clothes and some some stuff, but I lost most of the stuff that was in the attic and cellar...stuff I'd had for years.

The police told me the only way you can get it back without permission is if you have a restraining order against him or you take him to civil court...and get a judge to issue an order.

Live and learn. Don't do it again.
On the upside, I adventitiously did one of those "gentle art of swedish death cleaning" in that I totally decluttered and got rid of stuff and basically had to start over. That's how I'm looking at it.
 dynamicones
Joined: 2/7/2018
Msg: 7
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/23/2019 8:01:31 AM
sorry no, in these situations I"LL pack her stuff very carefully and haul it to her then clean my house top to bottom. ok the guys a total ass for doing this, my own take is clean them out and begin again ;/
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 8
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/23/2019 8:16:05 AM
Best bet is to have an uninterested (that's not you) third party approach him with a list that she has prepared of the sentimental items asking if he would be willing to return them undamaged. Possibly she could hire a mediator to do this.

Possibly if she has pictures of the items prior to moving in with him, than a legal case might be made... I wouldn't waste the money on it.

Here's another vote for... consider it a life lesson learned and move on. Or, as Browneyes implies - consider it a reason to re-evaluate what is and is not important in one's life.
 Tru_Blue
Joined: 11/26/2018
Msg: 9
When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/23/2019 12:57:04 PM
Tough learning curve. I guess, that's why they always say...Once you leave you lose some rights.
He might change his mind on turning over some things...Once he figures out she's not going back.
Her sanity means more than "things"....
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 10
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/23/2019 1:31:12 PM

Most of the furniture in the house is hers along with dishes, cookware, a couple of TVs along with personal/sentimental items that can't be replaced.


What, exactly, is his, then?

So why is SHE leaving, period, with all her stuff there, instead of kicking the loser, who has nothing, out?

Whose name is on the lease/rental agreement?


he said he's going to destroy and/or throw everything out.


when she said it was over so he wasn't going to let her leave for work.



They were planning to get married at one point


Such a charming guy.
That would have been a sterling decision.


so he wasn't going to let her leave for work.


I believe that's known as "false imprisonment" and is against the law:

"False imprisonment occurs when a person is restricted in their personal movement within any area without justification or consent.[1] Actual physical restraint is not necessary for false imprisonment to occur.
Under common law, false imprisonment is both a felony and a tort."
-Wikipedia



Get all the blokes in your family, and friends and pop around en masse to get the sentimental stuff ;).


That works for me. Make sure to record on video.


Chalk it up to a live and learn situation.


Yes.
Learn to make better choices in the people you live with and plan to marry.
 massguy70
Joined: 1/10/2017
Msg: 11
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/24/2019 6:02:46 PM
The home belongs to a member of his family. They didn't have a formal agreement. Just moved in and paid monthly. I find it hard to believe there isn't anything that can be done. He's in possession of property that isn't his and he won't give it back. Isn't that a form of stealing? The police would quickly see her stuff if they walked in there with a search warrant but I guess things like that don't happen with situations like this.

She filed a claim in small claims court. That can cover up to $7000. The total will be less than that. Even if she gets judgement, I don't think it's worth the paper it will be printed on. He doesn't have any money and he'll probably end up moving out of the house because he can't afford it without her. She has receipts for some of her stuff but others are a number of years old so they are long gone.

Many of us have been in relationships that have turned sour. Sometimes it's obvious to see what will happen and other times it takes awhile to fall apart. This guy seemed to talk a good game in the beginning but didn't follow though on much.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 12
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/25/2019 11:56:45 AM
alas, this is an issue with a lack of clear paperwork. i once rented without an agreement, knowing full well i wasn't covered.

as for the breaking and entering, it needs to be done with a cool head. i did help a friend once do it but it was an inheritance thing, so she still had a right to be there. we went when the other relatives were not home, and didn't intentionally sabotage a thing. but we did take a dryer, not knowing there was laundry in it :) it seemed to move along the process of my friend finally getting her half of the house's worth.

hopefully your friend will come 0ut of this ok. so far, she avoided marrying a petty man...there's that.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 13
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/25/2019 12:38:59 PM

The home belongs to a member of his family. They didn't have a formal agreement. Just moved in and paid monthly.


This could be easier... particularly if they have been sharing the rent equitably and the owner knows it.
Or if there are family squabbles.

She could contact the owner of the house (written communication is best for this sort of thing)
and politely explain the situation, asking if she can
(1) have access to the house to obtain her belongings (she should provide a list) under their supervision (hence the list so they are less likely to believe she is going to.... extract some sort of revenge) or
(2) asking if they would they be willing to go into the house to get these items of sentimental value.

Failing that, she should walk away and say nothing more about the matter.
Ever.


The police would quickly see her stuff if they walked in there with a search warrant but I guess things like that don't happen with situations like this.

What? Is everything she owned monogrammed?
How are the police going to know anything if it's a matter of two people arguing?
 massguy70
Joined: 1/10/2017
Msg: 14
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/26/2019 8:25:08 AM

What? Is everything she owned monogrammed?
How are the police going to know anything if it's a matter of two people arguing?


Obvious things like the couch, TV, desk, bed, bureau and whatever other big things are on the list. I believe she has pictures of some of those items from before she moved in.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 15
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/27/2019 4:02:11 PM
I've had this happen to me. If they only knew how pathetic they look. I took it as a lesson learned and moved on, obviously quicker than they did.
 Llove2laughtoo
Joined: 10/22/2018
Msg: 16
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/28/2019 12:32:54 AM
I have no experience with this. The day I decided to move out, I rented a U-Haul truck, took a day off work while she was working, and took ALL my stuff out. I left and never looked back.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 17
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/28/2019 11:59:08 AM

Obvious things like the couch, TV, desk, bed, bureau and whatever other big things are on the list. I believe she has pictures of some of those items from before she moved in.


No - it's not obvious.
Even if she has photos of these items from before she moved in, how is anyone to know she didn't take those photos at a prior place where they both lived or in a place he lived before?

Anyway, I've given my best pieces of advice.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 18
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/29/2019 9:23:22 AM
in this case, its not photos, but "reciepts, or they don't exist". and since a cop was there...chances are the cop had a clue as to what is proveable and what is not.
 massguy70
Joined: 1/10/2017
Msg: 19
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/30/2019 8:43:10 AM

No - it's not obvious.
Even if she has photos of these items from before she moved in, how is anyone to know she didn't take those photos at a prior place where they both lived or in a place he lived before?

Anyway, I've given my best pieces of advice.


They only lived in one place today. And the pictures of some of the items are from a few years before. Or, at least one is a picture of her as a kid with the furniture in the background. They weren't going out for _that_ long. :)


in this case, its not photos, but "reciepts, or they don't exist". and since a cop was there...chances are the cop had a clue as to what is proveable and what is not.


I think the officer was mainly there to keep the peace and not as a person who could say who gets what. I don't know if it's good or bad that I wasn't there the night they went to get her stuff because I would have been much more aggressive with the situation. She still had a key and a right to go into the house so it would have been time to get her stuff.

A number of people have told me to just let it go. She don't have some of her stuff but is a lot happier to not have to deal with him. This is probably a good reason why I like to live alone. First I like to do my own thing and have it quite sometimes so I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to. And I know my stuff is staying mine. No way is it getting left in someone's house. When my now ex wife and I separated, we decided who wanted what then planned on a date for her to get the stuff she was taking. I even helped move some it.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 20
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 4/30/2019 9:02:00 AM

I think the officer was mainly there to keep the peace and not as a person who could say who gets what. I don't know if it's good or bad that I wasn't there the night they went to get her stuff because I would have been much more aggressive with the situation. She still had a key and a right to go into the house so it would have been time to get her stuff.

A number of people have told me to just let it go. She don't have some of her stuff but is a lot happier to not have to deal with him. This is probably a good reason why I like to live alone. First I like to do my own thing and have it quite sometimes so I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to. And I know my stuff is staying mine. No way is it getting left in someone's house. When my now ex wife and I separated, we decided who wanted what then planned on a date for her to get the stuff she was taking. I even helped move some it.


I can tell you I just had this happen in October in Massachusetts.
He would not let me in the house to get my stuff after I had left for the morning. I had to call the police. The police arrived and told me unless my name was on the deed to the house, everything in it was his unless I could prove otherwise. They talked to him and he let me go in and get my personal stuff...ie...clothing and most everything that was in my bedroom. The police stayed the whole time mainly as you said, to keep the peace. I was fortunate in that they convinced him to leave the property so I could get some of my pictures and things on the wall. I was able to get my bedroom set out. I was told the ONLY way I could get everything else out was to go to civil court and get an order from the judge, but even then it would be a long drawn out process because unless I had proof it was mine, it was his word against mine...and it would remain his.

In the end, he called a week later and demanded I get everything else out, but he only gave me a few hours and with such short notice and no help, I left a lot behind. It's been almost 6 months and I've not been back. I've pretty much decided I'll never see the rest of my stuff and I've mostly moved on. It was a learning experience and it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

But, like I said, it was also letting go of stuff I might have had a sentimental attachment to but didn't need and I got to start over with new stuff of what I did need.

This wasn't a marriage. When I separated from my husband a lifetime ago, we had no issues. He kept the house and he let me take whatever I wanted.

Life is a learning experience, and I guess we're never too old to learn, unless you're a certain someone here who will soon pipe in with how this has never happened to him because he never does anything and he's never made mistakes because he's never taken a chance because he always knew it wouldn't work out and people who do take chances make bad choices and it's their fault. But we can't all be him, thank goodness.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 21
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 5/1/2019 11:59:31 AM
Possession is 9/10ths of the law. There are laws though to protect you if you can prove you have been living at a residence and contributing to either rent or utilities. However, if a guy won't let you in, it's difficult to get past him. The police often won't escort you to get stuff out without a police-enforceable court order which can take up to 60 days to get and in that time he could sell your stuff or burn it. When I knew I was going to leave, I packed up all my stuff while my ex was at work and put it by the front door. My dad and brothers came over. When my ex and his girlfriend came home I handed him a paper I had written up and told him to read it. I said that I had consulted a lawyer (kind of a bluff on my part) and I was leaving with the kids and my stuff. I knew there was a 50/50 chance that he wouldn't let me leave with the kids but I was tired of being scared of him and I believed with his girlfriend there he wouldn't try to hurt me because he didn't want to look bad in front of her. He let me go. I have no doubt that if I hadn't had my stuff ready to go, I would not have seen it again and that he would of had a bonfire in the backyard.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 22
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 5/1/2019 12:17:30 PM
The situation described above seems to have become a civil matter. Ironically, in some jurisdictions it could have been avoided if the person collected their stuff while still officially living there. In NY for example , if someone is living someplace over 30 days they have to be evicted to leave. I am pretty sure he would be happy to return the stuff to get rid of her in a case like that, where she isn't paying.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 23
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 5/2/2019 6:42:57 AM
Here too, there are laws protecting people from getting kicked out (evicted) where you have I think 90 days to make other arrangements or prove you belong there. However, when it's a married or common law couple, things can get violent if one person tries to stay and the other wants out. Cohabitation just isn't possible in situations like that. While a person has the right to remain living there, they might feel unsafe doing so and leaving is better than staying. And sometimes when it comes to belongings its important to say that it's just stuff. Objects can be replaced. Sometimes it's not worth the fight. And in the heat of an argument when one person is feeling scorned, they could get physically violent, even people who haven't before.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 24
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 5/2/2019 7:11:00 AM
I wasn't talking about a landlord situation and evictions...maybe others were.
I was living in a house as a roommate situation...or so I thought.
I paid rent, but he didn't claim it as such.
It's different than an eviction.
For everyone looking on the outside in, it looked like a relationship, so it would have
been a civil matter.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 25
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When an EX doesn't allow you to take your personal property
Posted: 5/2/2019 8:10:15 AM
^^^Didn't say you were. Point I was making,about the OP, is depending on jurisdiction, the person could have avoided the situation by taking stuff when they were FINALLY moving out. For example, in my jurisdiction the gal technically would still be considered living there if she still got mail there and could just when he was at work one day move her property out. He can not stop her from coming into the house/apt. Therefore, she could getthe property and then HE would have to prove!

Here if one lives in a domicile for over 30 days they are considered residents .
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