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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Pining over someone      Home login  
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 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 1
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Pining over someonePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Met someone on another dating site in March. We talked and texted a lot, got along great. Went out on two dates, both in April. It was wonderful. The second date, I went to his house. He cooked me dinner. It was very romantic. The chemistry was amazing. I could tell I was going to fall for this guy hard.
He changed the date of the second date three times. He lives in a city 150 miles away, but I happened to be visiting my best friend in that city over that week, so it wasn't too much of an inconvenience that he kept asking to change the date.
We made arrangements for a third date. Again, he wanted to change it to the next weekend because he said he needed to "do chores around the house."
Plus, he wanted me to drive 150 miles again, to meet him.

To clarify-The first date, we met in the middle. Second date I was in his town anyway, third date he wanted me to drive up there again

Well, I could tell that seeing me was not a priority to him, and that he would continue to try to change plans around all the time, and it didn't seem like he'd be willing to drive to my city to see me.
I did not want to be disregarded like that. So, as much as I like him, I told him I was willing to compromise to see him, but that it appears that he is not.
I told him I want to be with someone who is excited to see me, so that doing chores another day in order to spend time with me would be no problem. I told him that because he didn't feel this way, we should just forget it. It's been two weeks.

He is wealthy, and I REALLY WISH HE WASN'T. He is materialistic. and entitled.
Maybe he wouldn't feel so entitled to jerk people around to his convenience if he had an average income.
He is also very serious and anal about a lot of things. He has several qualities that I do not find appealing, but the heart wants what the heart wants, doesn't it?

The problem is, I'm just pining over this guy. It has been decades since I felt this way about someone. I am shocked that I can be in pain over someone I only went out with twice. I deleted all his contact info so I won't be tempted to contact him again

I know breaking it off with him was the self-respecting thing to do, but still, it hurts. I want to stop thinking about him.
-And...No E.D. that was obvious after kissing just briefly on the second date.
 grover14
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 2
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/3/2019 9:43:20 AM
Sorry this happened to you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with anything you did, he probably has other issues. I've had similar disappointment, and now have lost confidence that online dating will work. Yes, I keep looking, hoping that someone right for me will show up.
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 3
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/3/2019 8:13:55 PM
@ OP


I am shocked that I can be in pain over someone I only went out with twice. I deleted all his contact info so I won't be tempted to contact him again


you seem to get lots of men contacting you (which is good)........but how do you keep drawing in all these duds?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 4
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/3/2019 8:29:56 PM
OP...He probably has a few plates spinning when it comes to dating. He probably isn't looking to settle down and risk losing half of his wealth.
 RoxyMoronic
Joined: 3/1/2019
Msg: 5
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/4/2019 2:04:27 AM
I love that you are out making things happen, it’s a wonderful life.
We will all encounter ‘duds’ in various forms if we are sociable creatures, it’s the law of averages or something like that.
2 things, if he really does have this attitude that makes you feel a way, how comes the chemistry?
And, are you just seeing his faults at their worst to aid in ‘getting over it’, if so fair play :)
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 6
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/4/2019 6:30:42 AM
Grover,
Tried to thank you for your response via your inbox, but I can't send you a message due to your settings.
Don't give up- but I know this is so hard.


you seem to get lots of men contacting you (which is good)........but how do you keep drawing in all these duds?
LeFouGamboj,


You don't know the half of it! Lol. Have lots more stories re: bad behavior of men I've encountered via OLD. Why so many duds? I think because there are so many duds out there.


I love that you are out making things happen, it’s a wonderful life.
We will all encounter ‘duds’ in various forms if we are sociable creatures, it’s the law of averages or something like that.
2 things, if he really does have this attitude that makes you feel a way, how comes the chemistry?
And, are you just seeing his faults at their worst to aid in ‘getting over it’, if so fair play :)



Roxy,
I am really tired of being alone, and want to find someone to care for and grow old with, so I am trying.

Why the chemistry? Who knows? It was really visceral, and physical. I know he felt it, too. When we would talk, he said several times "I've never talked this way with anyone before." He kept telling me I was beautiful. This was especially nice for me, as I am a big girl. He is a "chubby chaser" and not attracted to slim women. In a world that worships thinness, it's great when you find a man who considers your physical type to be his ideal.

I know he liked me, but not enough to be accommodating, or willing to go out of his way.
He does have faults- he is harsh and impatient with wait-staff, and customer service people. (we went several places and did quite a few things on our first date). He is having a lot of work done on his house and asked for my ideas/opinions on fixtures, water features for the yard, etc. I put together a Pinterest page for him, and he couldn't be bothered to say thanks. Although we only had two dates, we talked on the phone many times. If a client or one of his kids called when we were on the phone, he's say "I'll call you right back." But never did.

Maybe I am concentrating on his faults to try and dull my feelings for him.
He is a very accomplished portrait artist- his paintings are amazing. He makes beautiful furniture in the Denmark and mid-century modern styles. He trained for the olympics for years (didn't make it) and is very physically fit. He's foreign, and exotic. Has a beautiful accent and is just beautiful physically. Super intelligent and articulate. The BEST kisser....Sigh......

I wish I could just take a pill that would make me forget him.
 SomewhereInTheStratosfere
Joined: 4/1/2018
Msg: 7
Pining over someone
Posted: 5/4/2019 6:44:05 AM

I am shocked that I can be in pain over someone I only went out with twice. I deleted all his contact info so I won't be tempted to contact him again

So am I. I don't understand how anyone can have such intense feelings for someone after two dates. Maybe you are confusing loneliness with passion?


He is wealthy, and I REALLY WISH HE WASN'T. He is materialistic. and entitled.
Maybe he wouldn't feel so entitled to jerk people around to his convenience if he had an average income

This particular wealthy person may be materialistic and entitled but most of the wealthy people I know are NOT. There are entitled jerks of all economic levels who jerk people around. You have recognized this in this man already, add it to the con list and move on.
Like another poster here mentioned, you seem to do ok on the dating scene. Stick with it and don't settle for anything less than you know you deserve. Sooner or later, the right one will happen along. Probably when you aren't paying attention.
Pining over someone
Posted: 5/4/2019 7:24:42 AM
"I know breaking it off with him was the self-respecting thing to do, but still, it hurts. I want to stop thinking about him.
-And...No E.D. that was obvious after kissing just briefly on the second date."

He got your oxytocin flowing when he kissed you and you felt his arousal. Lust and the promise of sex temporarily muddled the waters of your rational thinking. You'll get over him soon enough.
 BendingBough19
Joined: 4/25/2019
Msg: 9
Pining over someone
Posted: 5/4/2019 7:33:14 AM
OP, I am sorry that hope landed with a thud. I think you did the right thing by walking away after noting some significant flags.
As for pining for him, perhaps a previous poster has a point regarding confusing loneliness for something else. In terms of your desire to have someone to grow old with, I believe you have mentioned a sister. I am of the belief that we should not discount our family, if we still have any, and our friends, and that we need to focus on cultivating those relationships because putting so much effort into cultivating a male/female partnership seems to too often end in a bust at our stage of life - just my thoughts. There are many types of relationships and I just mean to be mindful that these other types of relationships will mean you won't grow old alone.
In terms of getting past him, I know you'll keep dating and that will help fill your days with new people to look forward to and hopefully cultivate the type of relationship you want. Wishing good things for you, OP.
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 10
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/4/2019 1:30:36 PM

I could tell I was going to fall for this guy hard.



And...No E.D. that was obvious after kissing just briefly on the second date.


I love the paradox of these two statements.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 11
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/6/2019 1:17:22 PM

He does have faults- he is harsh and impatient with wait-staff, and customer service people. (we went several places and did quite a few things on our first date).


This is one of the things on my list that is an immediate turn off.
I'd never fall for someone like that.
That's probably just the tip of the iceburg.
"He's a wicked nice guy but he's harsh and impatient with wait-staff and customer service people" said no one ever.
Unless they've never been wait-staff or in customer service and they do it as well.
 Tru_Blue
Joined: 11/26/2018
Msg: 12
Pining over someone
Posted: 5/6/2019 1:50:59 PM
I'm sorry to say, the guy sounds like a jerk to me.... :/
I believe you did the right thing....even though he had some things on your list....that were desirable.
I have walked away from that formidable attraction and the good sex because of the way...he made me feel otherwise.
He embarrassed me a lot....when out.
He sucked the energy from me....I was always doing all the accommodating.
Trust me....when it's right....it's easy!
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 13
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/7/2019 11:01:25 AM

you seem to get lots of men contacting you (which is good)........but how do you keep drawing in all these duds?


Some people have a knack.

"knack
[nak]

NOUN
an acquired or natural skill at performing a task."
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 14
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/7/2019 5:45:11 PM
Damn,

I see that he just rejoined the pay site I met him on, and has viewed my profile again.

I may have a knack for attracting jerks, but I have the sense enough not to keep them around.

I know I was right to cut this one loose. I don't doubt my decision. I just want that ache in my chest over him to go away. It has lessened, a little.

I have a date with someone new on Friday, and am texting with three others, which may lead to dates soon.


Edited to add- crap, he just messaged me on the site.
 Lindatasy
Joined: 5/1/2019
Msg: 15
Pining over someone
Posted: 5/7/2019 10:41:57 PM
Cinnamon Girl, I've found that the guys that I'm most strongly attracted to tend to be the biggest jerks. From what you've posted in the forums, I think you are an amazing woman and guys should be pining after you, not the other way around. Personally, I've noticed over the years that when I pull back and act only mildly interested, they go nuts and won't leave me alone. Only after a while, I'm tired of playing that game, so I"m glad I met someone who - so far - pursues me and I don't have to act cool and aloof with him. Meeting someone like that really helped me forget about the "charming players" that I used to pine over.
Pining over someone
Posted: 5/7/2019 10:58:31 PM


I am shocked that I can be in pain over someone I only went out with twice.


And over someone who harbors so many qualities you object to. Sorry, but fullmoonguy's critical remarks after stories of this ilk are posted are 100% justified.


Personally, I've noticed over the years that when I pull back and act only mildly interested, they go nuts and won't leave me alone.


I have noticed this over the last, oh, 30 years or so, yet when I mention it being this way vice versa, some of the women of the forums put on an act like this is a phenomenon they're completely unfamiliar with and never been a part of themselves.

(insert eyerolling emoji here)
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 17
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 5:45:43 AM
^^^That qualifies as that "odd" behavior that drives everyone nuts. PUSH/PULL gaming in action! So what did we learn Mr. Pig? women are attracted to jerks that they wish weren't jerks. We should open a training school to turn nice guys into jerks, a whole lot of money to make here.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 18
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 7:29:58 AM
I guess I'm a weirdo.
I've learned to go after what I like, but I've also learned to go with my first impression.
So, I back off at the first sign of jerkiness or nimcompoopery or whatever makes me uncomfortable.

I don't really want anyone pining after me or chasing me around. I don't want to play games either,
or try to guess what someone is thinking. I try to be myself all the time, while not being deliberately
rude or unkind, although there are a lot of ***holes around. I know this because sometimes I'm one.


PS: Ms. Lindatasy, are you a poster from years ago? Your picture looks familiar but I can't remember
the name. If you are...welcome back! If you're new...welcome anyway!
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 19
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 10:25:04 AM
^^^ It is Trustinkarma. She and jessiebunnies are from my area. Puget Sound representing...
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 20
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 11:00:24 AM
^^^And who says 3 is a crowd..eh? Now all you gotta do is invite that Hiker chick back to the form and we can discuss what the town butcher and high school mascot thinks of her dates. The 3 of you can be cheerleaders!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 21
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 11:21:21 AM
Of course!
Welcome back Ms. Karma and Ms. Bunnies!
It's old home week here in POF...Ms. Black Beauty is posting as well!
Too bad Mr. Adventurejoe doesn't leave and come back so we can see if we
miss him!

Whoops...did I say that out loud?
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 22
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 11:28:51 AM
^^I was gone about 3 yrs where you been! lol
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 23
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 11:50:28 AM
^^^I'm sure my attention span has been discussed before!

PS...welcome back....hahahaha!
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 24
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Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 1:34:24 PM

I see that he just rejoined the pay site I met him on, and has viewed my profile again.


Edited to add- crap, he just messaged me on the site.


(cue the music)

Dun dun dun dun.....

However will Cinnamon Girl escape the clutches of "Narcissist Rich Guy"???!!

Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of......"The Misadventures of Cinnamon Girl".


Sorry, but fullmoonguy's critical remarks after stories of this ilk are posted are 100% justified.


(channeling Bartles and Jaymes guys):

And thank you for your support.
Pining over someone
Posted: 5/8/2019 2:21:55 PM


We should open a training school to turn nice guys into jerks, a whole lot of money to make here.


I don't know that I have the patience, time or inclination for it. Plus, I'm pretty sure that market is oversaturated as it is. I've advised many friends and family members before. The vast majority are hard headed, don't want to hear they're doing something wrong, and just can't fathom mom's advice was wrong. It takes them a long time to change their ways and come to the realization that overselling yourself as a nice "relationship ready" man from the very get-go is a bad idea.



women are attracted to jerks that they wish weren't jerks.


I don't necessarily believe it's solely the "jerk" factor in itself they're attracted to, but more the unpredictability in not knowing which guy they're going to get on any given day. Naturally, women are going to feel like shit when he's a "jerk", but the lingering possibility he will be a sweetie pie the next day is a big part of the allure. The dramatic transitions are an aphrodisiac.

How many times have we heard a woman justifying her sticking with a jerk with the line "but he's really good to me sometimes!!

That says it all right there.
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