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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.      Home login  
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 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 1
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So I just wondered about how men who, for no other reason than circumstances, have reached their 40's but are childless are viewed by potential partners.

Do women see that as a cool position to be in or weird?

Am I right in saying that though it could be a better position for a guy to be in when it's the other way round, as in no ties to previous relationships, babysitting responsibilities, conflicts with an ex etc, women seem to view childless women, when it's not based on medical reasons, as lesser beings, not important, like if they haven't had kids they know Jack sh*t.
All opinions appreciated, thanks.
 grover14
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 2
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 8:57:33 AM
Being childless is by far my biggest regret. Always thought it would happen at some point, then by the time I thought time was running out, I couldn't find a woman that I wanted to have a child with. Pretty soon you're 60 and full of regrets. Just the way things ended up.
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 9:45:53 AM

Being childless is by far my biggest regret. Always thought it would happen at some point, then by the time I thought time was running out, I couldn't find a woman that I wanted to have a child with. Pretty soon you're 60 and full of regrets. Just the way things ended up.


I have somehow managed to not be tinged by regret and sadness up to now and I'm sorry that it has left you with regret, I hope it's only a little.

What makes it worse is you saying that you would've loved to have been a father probably makes you good father material and yet there are, for whatever reason, so many absent fathers, some just not wanting that responsibility.

Your words pretty much echo my experience too, love the way you said "pretty soon you're 60" like our lives before just went by in the blink of an eye, it does feel like that sometimes.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 4
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 10:53:33 AM
No regret. I don't want them. The days of them carrying the family name like some lord from Games of thrones is over. After my parents being divorced I really didn't see the advantage. We were just in our parents way it seemed!
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 5
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 11:58:34 AM

No regret. I don't want them.


Same here. The older I get, the better I feel about it...
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 6
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 12:14:28 PM
I'm more angling here for opinions on how childless men are viewed by women generally, rather than focusing on regret for not having them, but so far none have showed up yet lol, which is interesting in itself.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 7
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 1:57:48 PM

babysitting responsibilities

One doesn't babysit one's own children.

I don't care one way or another if a man does or does not have children.

I do care if he chooses not to spend time with his children.
I do care if he does not take financial responsibility.
I do care if he has young children (younger than high school).
 jerseynative7
Joined: 10/26/2018
Msg: 8
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 3:15:25 PM
I always thought I would be a mom. In my 20' I wasnt ready, in my 30s, I had a serious relationship that I thought would lead to marriage and a child but it didnt work out that way. At 40, I accepted that it wouldnt happen for me and that was ok. My boyfriend has a preteen daughter so that is my chance at being a pseudo mom. I never judged a man for not having a child by a certain age. You dont know what their full story is.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 9
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 4:29:41 PM
I decided no kids because of what I went through as a kid. Which might be a bit odd, because my parents never divorced. I was the youngest, and was never around someone else's small children. Neigher parent really schooled me on relationships. ( With ether sex) If I had friends, it was of my own doing. They never asked if I had them. But I did get teased about girls. Since I really hated it, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of having a girlfriend so they could ride me about it.

So I owe part of not wanting kids for that reason. The women that I did date never asked me why I never had 'em. The only relative that worried about me having them was my uncle. It bugged him that the family name wouldn't get carried on. I made it a point that he never knew I divorced.

I have way better things to worry about, than having kids. One cannot miss what they never had. By observation, I notice that people that want to teach, have kids. Ones that couldn't teach a dog not to take a dump in the house, that have kids, their's are usually holy terrors. (Or so screwed up that they're a problem in the making)
 Jay6598
Joined: 3/30/2019
Msg: 10
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 8:18:20 PM
When I see a profile of a man who is in my age group, I'm 57, who has no kids I have mixed feelings. I am curious about them.
First, I remind myself I don't know the reason why, could be a medical reason, as you mentioned or his previous partner (s) didn't want them, or whatever.
There's something about some (keyword - some) people who have never had kids, to me, that seems as if they didn't fully develop. I'm not sure I'm wording this correctly. It has something to do with learning how to sacrifice and loving someone so much you'd step in front of a train for them. Learning to consider and lead a group kinda thing. I think most parents instinctively understand this about each other. My opinion here.

I do wonder what they've been doing, as in having kids keeps you ultra busy. That's the second thing that goes through my mind.
The third is that, yes, there's no ties...no previous other family to consider.

The last thing that runs through my mind is, how family orientated are they. I'm very much so, but that's just me.
However on the other hand, I've met a couple men who did have kids and don't talk to them at all.
So all in all, not having kids would not keep me from from talking to someone to see who they might be.
 Lindatasy
Joined: 5/1/2019
Msg: 11
Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/8/2019 9:05:19 PM
As a mother of two (11 and 19), I actually prefer that a man I get involved with already has kids. For one thing, I would hope that would make him more understanding of how hard it can be to juggle life and kids, and they would definitely understand that kids will always come first. People without kids really just don't understand it, at least that's what I've found dating men without kids. Secondly, since I tend to date younger, I would like someone who already has kids and doesn't want more. I've met guys who swore up and down that they didn't want kids, but I realized that they could change their minds at any time and dump me. I would also feel bad if someone decided not to have kids just because of me. I personally worry more about guys in their 40s who have never married; that's a bit of a concern for me because I wonder if they'll ever settle down or are able to commit to someone.
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 2:13:45 AM

There's something about some (keyword - some) people who have never had kids, to me, that seems as if they didn't fully develop. I'm not sure I'm wording this correctly. It has something to do with learning how to sacrifice and loving someone so much you'd step in front of a train for them. Learning to consider and lead a group kinda thing. I think most parents instinctively understand this about each other.


Thanks for confirming what I thought, so by not bringing children into the world you are somehow selfish and, as I originally mentioned, you know Jack sh*t about life.


My opinion here.

I do wonder what they've been doing, as in having kids keeps you ultra busy. That's the second thing that goes through my mind.


Perhaps they've had a life, or perhaps as someone else mentioned, they never met somebody they wanted to have kids with, have you considered that?

Do people really have kids just to keep themselves busy?
It doesn't require any special effort to get someone pregnant, it can happen in 5 mins in the back of a car. Fathering a child is easy, being a parent is something different.


I actually prefer that a man I get involved with already has kids. For one thing, I would hope that would make him more understanding of how hard it can be to juggle life and kids, and they would definitely understand that kids will always come first. People without kids really just don't understand it, at least that's what I've found dating men without kids.


So I can add that they lack understanding too?
Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 4:04:46 AM
I made the decision long ago to not have children, but it has not a damn thing to do with not liking them. In fact, during holiday get-togethers, I am usually hanging out with the kids rather than the adults. With the children, I don't have to hear their bellyaching over (mostly) self-inflicted problems as the older buzzards do.

My decision to not have children is/was based on a myriad of reasons. I have a low opinion of this world and would never bring a child or children into it. On top of that, I can envision myself being overprotective, endlessly critical of myself as a parent, and in constant fear of the day they moved out on their own. I could see myself going as far as attempting to fill their heads with doubt as to whether they could make it on their own for as long as I could, just to keep them around longer. I know that sounds horribly selfish, but that's how I see it going down.

I've had women express concern about my not having children before, but I ususally ask them if they would prefer I had five kids with three different women, and they usually shut up after that.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 14
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 6:18:32 AM

Thanks for confirming what I thought, so by not bringing children into the world you are somehow selfish and, as I originally mentioned, you know Jack sh*t about life.


Actually that is a load of nonsense and some of those statements hurt my eyeballs from all the eye rolling. Sounded like my mother in law but she was old fashioned from a culture that NEEDS new soldiers born into cannon fodder and had a village mentality so we were selfish not to have them. But she actually had a farm that needed hands . But the reality is the REASONS that people OFTEN have children historically has been selfish and still are today. Choosing not to have them is a choice much better than the vast hordes who have them and can't take good care of them. The poor tend to have more and historically men had practical reasons to have children. Poor to have more hands to work for the family, and the rich for a heir to carry on. But lets be honest most of us in North America don't have those reasons and in our overpopulated world what we need isn't more babies born but a relocation of those not being well cared or immigrants to locations with declining birth rates. After all Social Security needs to be paid. That is why the 1st world countries with declining birth rates are going to have economic issues.


you know Jack sh*t about life

See what Jack sh$t you will know about life when you are too busy raising kids to notice what is going on in the world. You know I used to teach 3rd grade and I can tell you most parents I met had their heads so far............nuff said.


constant fear of the day they moved out on their own.

One of our fears was that they would NEVER move out. Today's trend is kids staying home much longer and try mooch off mom and dad. I mean what kind of work effort would I install in this kid? Dad is not working, thinks work is for rats, and thinks the best secure jobs in the future don't require much of an education but dad has multiple useless degrees.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 7:21:12 AM
Didn't want kids, b/c many are shitheads due to being immature (just visited my former boss, got to hear the daily mistakes his 17 yr son makes by simply acting without thought). If i'm going to have some airhead in my life, there better be some great sex going on :)

I suspect a woman looking for sex, isn't going to care what a guy has, or doesn't have...based on the posts i see here complaining about this dude or that one. I also agree with TrustinKarma, there are single moms who want a single dad who understands first hand, the demands.

those who wish to throw shade, will always find a way to do it.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 16
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 11:01:48 AM
I have to agree with what Lindatasy said. I prefer a guy with kids because he's more likely to see things as a parent and understand when/why kids take priority and more likely to be able to handle my kids. It puts us on a more equal footing.

I would date a guy without kids but of course he would have to want kids. I think its a shame that POF only lets paid members see the answer to the question "Will you date someone with children?" Everyone can see whether someone wants kids or not but having only 3 options (undecided/open, want children, does not want children or prefer not to say) can be confusing. If I see that a guy says he doesn't want children then I assume he means he doesn't want anything to do with my kids if he dates me (even if he's the one who first messaged me and saw I had 3 kids). If I see a guy says he wants children, then I assume he wants one of his own.

To the OP, are you asking this question to women without kids or women that already have kids?

A guy not having kids is in itself not a turnoff. However, I would have to know whether he does in fact really want his own biological child. I'm 35, soon to be 36, so my fertility is probably not great anymore. I am willing to have another baby but only if I've really gotten to know a guy well and we've fallen in love and our relationship is on good footing and the guy really gels well with my own children. That's a lot of requirements. And at 35/36, I'm not sure my fertility would still be good by the time we've reached that phase. But I'd be willing to try.

A guy without kids who wants kids would probably be better off dating someone under age 33.
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 12:19:39 PM

I have to agree with what Lindatasy said. I prefer a guy with kids because he's more likely to see things as a parent and understand when/why kids take priority and more likely to be able to handle my kids. It puts us on a more equal footing.


Well considering I'm talking about guys in their forties they'd have to have led quite a sheltered life to not understand that children are rather a big responsibility, that you can't just drop everything and go off and do things at a moments notice.


To the OP, are you asking this question to women without kids or women that already have kids?


To women that have kids, obviously there are women around that don't have children but they are a minority over women that do, particularly in the 40 to 50 age range.


I am willing to have another baby but only if I've really gotten to know a guy well and we've fallen in love and our relationship is on good footing and the guy really gels well with my own children. That's a lot of requirements. And at 35/36, I'm not sure my fertility would still be good by the time we've reached that phase. But I'd be willing to try.


Okay, I need to look into airline costs first.
 RoxyMoronic
Joined: 3/1/2019
Msg: 18
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 12:59:38 PM
OP not liking some of the opinions you’ve solicited? :)

It wouldn’t bother me either way but then I don’t have children, do I still count? lol

I could say something like.....some people who’ve had kids tend to be more self-absorbed/selfish within their little family/brood.....just to be a bit controversial
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 1:31:20 PM

OP not liking some of the opinions you’ve solicited? :)


No, more the reasoning behind some of those opinions lol.


It wouldn’t bother me either way but then I don’t have children, do I still count? lol


Of course, everyone counts!
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 5:10:01 PM
Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we planned. I've a close friend that has been unlucky at love so he threw himself into his work. Then it was too late. He's never married, but I believe he would have made a wonderful husband for someone. My best friend and her husband wanted children, but it wasn't in the cards for them. They are part of my son's life. Other friends have felt like Pig and Joe, that it would be wrong to bring a child into this world. What all these people have in common is that they are wonderful people that I adore.

I think if you're that kind of person who has the love to give then it's good, but being a parent doesn't mean you're going to be a better person. My father had children and he was a selfish jerk. Raising four children didn't make him a better person. Needless to say I never thought too much about why a man wasn't a parent and never thought to judge on it.
 FFS38
Joined: 8/12/2011
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 5:46:11 PM

One doesn't babysit one's own children.


Well the Queen of England certainly doesn't 😔 😁
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 9:34:25 PM

People without kids really just don't understand it, at least that's what I've found dating men without kids.

Yes, we do understand it. We understood that having kids takes time and money We understood that working longer hours to afford them ment a couple things. More hours away from them, and kids being raised by other than parents.

Not bringing kids into this day and age? I happen to agree fully in that one. I don't have to look at my offspring, and wonder about how much suffering they will have as they age.

Guys without kids changing their minds about you. The kids had nothing to do with it. You must have shown your true colors is why they dumped you. No, they didn't change their minds about having kids after meeting you. They picked that out long before you came along. You just merely reinforced their decision.

Guys in their 40s and never married. It's not so much they were able to commit. Attempting to live upto an insufferable situation is more the case. What I found with women, was that if I satisfied their wants at some point, they would ask for more. It became a never ending battle to keep up. That vicious cycle is why I think twice about dating. When the goalposts keep getting moved, one starts to wonder if it was worth starting the game.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/9/2019 9:47:32 PM
I see it as a huge contradiction when women are searching for someone who is also a parent so they somehow magically have the "I get it" qualifier -- yet expect the guy to conform to a tiny sliver of a social schedule that they have allowed themselves. A guy with their own kids has higher priorities than someone who minimizes them to an accessory after the fact.

Someone in their 40's usually doesn't have infants or toddlers - so they have kids with their own social lives and activities - and can easily get sucked into that habitual 'Married to their Schedule' thing. No parent is immune. That pattern of reacting only to what is going on in the family - instead of being proactive about personal/social lives outside of it - doesn't need to start with dating. In fact, any single parent should ALREADY have time slots planned for activities outside of kids, dates or no dates. When stuff like that gets mentioned at parties or with a group of friends, it's easy to tell the overworked parents - instead of nodding in agreement, they have that blank million-mile stare, like their brains cannot even comprehend the idea.

I think women NEED to see this man with a group of people that trust him completely. For many, kids is an all-too easy lock on the trust wheel. Pets may help somewhat. Surrounded by friends when you first meet or being the center of attention works too - but internet meetups show so little of that kind of stuff, and if you can't check ALL their boxes, you won't pass their paranoia test. Part of the problem is that we let fear rule too many decisions, and the other is that we keep adding additional boxes to check off -- so we eliminate far too many, and jump blindly into the few that we deem 'Good Enough'.
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/10/2019 7:30:39 AM


I think its a shame that POF only lets paid members see the answer to the question "Will you date someone with children?" Everyone can see whether someone wants kids or not but having only 3 options (undecided/open, want children, does not want children or prefer not to say) can be confusing. If I see that a guy says he doesn't want children then I assume he means he doesn't want anything to do with my kids if he dates me (even if he's the one who first messaged me and saw I had 3 kids). If I see a guy says he wants children, then I assume he wants one of his own.


The "will you date someone with children" filter is useless after about age 43. Those of us who don't want kids and don't want to be a stepdad cannot use that filter if we're 43+ years old. It still shows parents.

Advanced search is the only way to weed out those who are up front about not having kids (some of the mothers claim they don't have them. Not just on POF. Bumble has an offspring field, and some women put "don't want" (which means don't have and don't want) when in reality they have offspring (and some who want them might put that).



A guy without kids who wants kids would probably be better off dating someone under age 33.


True, at least for biological kids. Adopting / fostering kids wouldn't suffer the known problems of kids spawned from mothers aged 35+ or fathers aged 50+.


Have seen many female profiles on various sites in which women communicate their requirement he also be a parent. Even on Tinder where text is usually minimal. It only takes a few sentences to write it in profile text.

Dating gets easier for childfree men after about age 40. When I was in my 30s, there were women who didn't have kids, but who had "baby rabies" as their biological alarm clock rang. They sometimes got mad when they found out I don't want kids. Some tried to recruit me. I gave the usual logical reasons, for example my flawed genes (fair skin, glasses, had braces, etc), the immorality of adding to the environmental consequences of human overpopulation and bringing someone into the awful conditions of this planet, etc.

Some of the childless women I've dated and been friends have a physical condition that prevented them from getting pregnant. It's rare to find an actual childfree woman in North America. Apparently childfree women do exist in Japan. One of the baby rabies gals told me I should move to Japan and marry one of their women. I responded by saying Japanese are workaholics and that I wanted to retire early, then she got even more upset, lashing out with "you'll be alone!" In addition to expecting have my babies, she also expected me to work until my dying day as she spent my paychecks.

One place I wouldn't expect to find a childfree mate is "No kidding". They have a reputation for being "Breeder pleasers", saying things like "I don't have kids of my own, but am the world's greatest aunt". They often have cats or small purebred dogs as substitute children. The No Kidding in my area did nothing but have "book club" meetings (getting drunk), and they moved to Meetup and required hefty dues.

Some women without kids also prefer a man who _has_ offspring so she can be a stepmom to help fill the void.

In the most socially advanced species (canids, bees, etc), only a tiny percentage of the population breeds.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 25
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Reaching your 40's and not being a parent.
Posted: 5/10/2019 8:06:31 AM

It's rare to find an actual child free woman in North America. Apparently child free women do exist in Japan. One of the baby rabies gals told me I should move to Japan and marry one of their women.


That is based on location. Where I live child free women aren't rare like unicorns or 3 headed dragons. It is more of an issue of "pick your poison". Workaholic vs parent....both will often put you second or third.!


In addition to expecting have my babies, she also expected me to work until my dying day as she spent my paychecks.

You are too optimistic. She expected to have children that YOU pay for, and then initiate a divorce due to "growing apart" because she is busy enjoying the social aspects of motherhood, leaving you to pay child support, and possibly support since she is busy being a caregiver , while living in YOUR house because it is BEST for the children. You will then become a father in name who is more like an uncle who has to spend even more funds entertaining and buying gifts for the kids, while good ol ' mom spoils them with better gifts than you WITH your money! If your lucky you will see them on weekends , depriving yourself of date night, while the mom is free to seek romance on the weekends you play Mr. mom!
I worked with many divorced guys and the description above was a typical scenario.


that I wanted to retire early, then she got even more upset, lashing out with "you'll be alone!"

Interesting statement considering American kids today when grown up are very likely to live far away from parents in today's coming economy and today's coming generations are keen to put you into a nursing home or worst while begging you to transfer assets to them before it is depleted. You know what is worst than being alone and childless in old age? Having 3 kids and being alone in old age while passing the time talking to other old folks about your ailments and kids that barely see you! At least in Asia the kids support you later in life..usually.
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