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 AUTHOR
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 1
Disabilities and dating....Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
First off, let me say that I've read quite a few posts here, however, I don't believe I've ever seen one on the subject of dating and disabilities. I've read some really good posts, and even better answers, so I thought I'd test the water, so to speak, and ask a question of my own.

What would you do, if someone with a disability asked you for a date? Would it depend on how "disabled" the person was, or what? Would you ever date someone in a wheelchair?

I find myself faced with these questions, and being me, I said "yes". I don't believe a disability should determine whether or not one is "datable" (hope I spelled that right,lol), since I have several friends who for whatever reasons, are in wheelchairs. They are far and away the most intelligent, compassionate, and funny people I've ever known! Maybe it's because they have learned these traits since being disabled, but I would love to have even half of their "people skills".

So what would YOU do?? Would you go out and have a great time, or suddenly find a way to say "NO", very politely? Or would it depend on the disability? (Btw, I've known this person for quite some time, and unless he reminds me, I forget he even HAS a disability!)

Thanks all for letting me post, and take care.
 indigorose33
Joined: 10/6/2004
Msg: 2
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 4:08:03 PM
I'm crazy about a guy in a wheelchair ..he's holding me back though...everybody has disabilitys some just don't show on the outside..good luck!
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 3
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 4:15:19 PM
That would be another good answer I just read...thank you for what you said...and you're 100% right!
 indigorose33
Joined: 10/6/2004
Msg: 4
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 4:28:27 PM
thanks baby ..I've read some of your posts today your great !
 anchi
Joined: 6/16/2004
Msg: 5
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 6:41:30 PM
i have a great friend that is in a wheelchair, and we even dated for a short while. he had some issues and me too for that matter, but none of them had to do with the fact that he is in a wheelchair. honestly, i never even thought about it. just treated him pretty much the same as other men.
 salamander000
Joined: 10/26/2004
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 7:10:31 PM
I am deaf, or nearly. Maybe I should have included that in my profile, it never occured to me.
 vividdingo
Joined: 9/20/2004
Msg: 7
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 10:21:03 PM
Ithink if the disability was a terminal one , then I don't think it would be fair to either person to fall in love just to intentionally get hurt, knowing all along that it is short term. That said , I dated a girl with a vascular disorder, causing convulsions, and bruising on occasion, but I felt , and treated her like a human being , as anyone with a disabilty should.
 J9_Leigh
Joined: 7/29/2004
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 10:46:50 PM
I have a very good friend that is engaged to a man with some disabilities and they are one of the happiest couples that I've ever seen. Once the three of us were out with her sister and some of her friends. One of the friends is my cousin, and her sister has had problems with her mobility among other things, since she was born and the girl (my cousin) was mocking my friends man because he can't walk as well as others. I took her aside and scared the crap outta her (because let's face it, if you've got a girl that 6'1 and big mad at you, you get a little scared, expecially if you know your wrong) and she said she was sorry to him and everything, but it still upsets me that there are people out there that can't see past the physical and into the personality, in my mind the only thing that matters. Granted physical attraction is something, but the personality is what keeps you. I would date a person with a disibility if I thought that we could have a good time, if we wouldn't mesh in that way, I would still hang out with him, so that we could be friends. Thanks for reading my rambelings lol
Janine
 sunbird93
Joined: 10/15/2004
Msg: 9
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/21/2004 11:14:11 PM
This is an excellent question. I would definitely date someone with a disability...in fact I think it could be a big plus. Just the fact that someone who is disabled put themselves out there in the fishbowl says alot about that person. I would rather see the disability on the outside instead of the ones lurking on the inside (if that makes sense). I've often wondered why there wasn't a noticeable dating site for handicapped people to feel safe in.

BTW, George was my favorite Beatle too...and it's amazing how many kids in their 20s listen to them, my son being one of them. Good question gentlespirit (I love that handle). You are obviously a special lady.
 brownberry
Joined: 8/7/2004
Msg: 10
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/22/2004 1:52:17 AM
I am deaf in my left ear due to a bungy jumping accident.
I could have been many things after that accident.
I did not add in into my profile.It never dawned on me.
I wear a cool hearing aid and work as a P.A. for a Law Firm
and no one tell me that I cant hear them.I sit in huge boardroom meetings
and hear everything clearly.I have to wear my h.aid at all times.
The negative part of this is,men wont date me...

They addore me when we email and we would finaly meet and they would
notice my hearing aid and they would back off.
Then one day I went on another date and wear my hair over my ears and "he"
had no idea that I was deaf.He liked me and and wanted to know me better
and telling me how cool I am and he had never met someone like me (blah,blah.blah....)
Then I went to the ladies room and decide to tie my hair up...when I returned
he notice the hearing aid and made an excuse that he have to get home early...
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 11
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/22/2004 8:50:56 AM
Thank you sunbird for the compliment. And as far as George goes, he will always be my guy,lol...and THEY will always be my group....
 Miss_Teeq
Joined: 7/12/2004
Msg: 12
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/22/2004 10:16:48 AM
I became very good friends with 2 people in a wheel chair while I was going to school. One was a girl who I became very close with, another was a guy who had the biggest crush on me. He wasn't bad looking either, so I thought, "Why shouldn't I ask him out?" Not once, did I look twice at him because he was in a wheel chair, I guess it was just the way I was brought up, to treat everyone the same. Anyways, dated him a few times and had an awesome time with him. He has a great personality and I'm still friends with him, but nothing more. Another time, I don't know if this counts as a disability, he said it was, but anyways. He had to wear a brace on his foot, and he couldn't walk 'right', like everyone else I guess. He was a bit slow at times but again, never even thought twice about it because I got to know him and so I thought he was a great person...lol at the time. Looks like his good looks got to his head because we're no longer friends, and it's not because of his disability.
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 13
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/22/2004 4:06:01 PM
Awww, miss teeq....I'm so sorry for your friend's "head" problem....looks to me, like HE is the loser...I believe friendship is worth more than gold. Gee...did I just say that?? LOL...I MUST be getting old(or something,lol). But it is true...

In all actuality tho, I'm guessing he will mature at a MUCH slower rate, before he realizes what a good friend you were to him.

And ty for the reply. It's nice to know there are actually some kids who really care, out there!
It gives us old ppl(and I'm only speaking for myself,lol) heart.
Gentlespirit
 catchmeifucan
Joined: 2/26/2004
Msg: 14
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/24/2004 4:10:58 AM
I went to visit a friend and found a very roomate, she was sitting and watching tv but then we had quite an animated conversation. When we left, i told the friend i had gone with that i had liked the girl, it turns out that she was disabled.
Call me shallow and whatever but How do you make love without feeling as though you are hurting the other person of course putting in consideration that the disabilities differ?
Won't he/she feel as though you want to date him/her out of kindness? This one i say coz i tried so much to be friends with a disabled nice girl back in high school but she just always built walls around her, i just wanted to be friends and she made that impossible. There is this time she fell and some guy tried to help her up and all he got was a 'WHO TOLD YOU THAT I NEEDED YOUR HELP?"
I am thinking that it may be twice as hard convincing her as to why you want to date him/her.
At the end of it all, i would prefer being very good friends than getting actually involved and that is what me and the girl above are.
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 15
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/24/2004 8:56:32 AM
catchme,
You asked some excellent questions-thank you! As to the issue of making love....Here's my theory.....By the time you reach that point, I believe both you and your partner will have shared enough to let you know(keeping in mind there are many ways to make love) what is right, so I don't think you're "shallow" at all.

Keep in mind, though, that dis-abled ppl are ppl first....and want (for the most part, anyway) you to see them as you would anyone else. There are some though, that never have come to terms with the fact that something happened to them, to make them disabled in the first place.....those are the ones that need extra care, I believe... and sad to say, some of them will NEVER come to terms with themselves first, so it's a bit hard for anyone else who tries...

I can imagine how hard it would be, I think, to be just a "normal" person one minute, and then a "dis-abled" person the next....I would think it would require some getting used to, definitely. And also, what about the Normal friends they had?? What will their reactions be??

I visit a guy in a nursing home, who has Multiple Sclerosis, and can only move 2 fingers of his right hand....that's it!! For anything else, he requires help...when he was diagnosed, his wife and kids left him....He has told me many stories about how he's been treated, and certainly opened my eyes, big time! But he's funny, kind, caring, extremely intelligent, and on and on...lol...

As to your high school experience...my heart goes out to the girl...can you imagine how it must feel to be with all the "Normals"(whatever they are,lol) now?? Hopefully she's adjusted, and has moved on...and I hope it doesn't affect your view, either.

So basically...if you see someone you like,take a chance...who knows what might develope? Handicapped or not....
Thanks for a very thoughtful reply!
Gentlespirit
 indigorose33
Joined: 10/6/2004
Msg: 16
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/24/2004 9:18:48 AM
gentlespirit you are so very special....love your posts
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 17
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/24/2004 4:25:21 PM
Indigo,

What a nice thing to say! Thank you so much...
Gentlespirit
 catchmeifucan
Joined: 2/26/2004
Msg: 18
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 11/24/2004 9:29:29 PM
Gentle spirit, yours is truly a gentle one, i hear all you say and agree but a situation like nice guy went thru, you try to pick up someone and the people around think that you are a pervert and just want to take advantage of someone disabled.
As for the girl in high school, i don't know whether she changed , it's been ages since i last saw her. When i remember, the only she actually opened up to was the one that used to treat her in a weird way. This guy would come and slap her leg off the bench and alway stease her about her crippled leg, God , how she would laugh!! now talk about thinking of them as people first (which by the way i do, coz they are people whatever way they are, and usually beautiful inside).
For the guy with multiple sclerosis, it was really bad what his family did to him, I mean you don't have to stay married to him if it's that bad but atleast go and visit frewuently and let him see his kids, Crippled or not, his kids still love him. It will be hard for them to come to him again because the more they stay away, the more ashamed they become. I hope the mum didn't tell the kids that their father died.
 nightwolf69k
Joined: 12/7/2004
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 12/7/2004 9:25:40 AM
I like to thankyou for what you said.I am in a wheel chair for almost 2 years now.Took a
fall off a roof I ws doing.I wish more people would open thier eyes like you have.
They are not the only ones who has a hard time with people in wheel chairs.I have
it to.Not other people in wheel chairs.But, myself being in it.I feel like I won't be able to give a lady everything she wants.I have a few friends trying to tell me different.But I remember the way I was.At times I feel less of a person.But with great people like yourself out there.It really helps me.THANKS,Ken
 cajungirl4u
Joined: 7/20/2004
Msg: 20
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 12/7/2004 2:26:29 PM
I would absolutely date a man in a wheelchair. I had a relationship with a guy who was a quad. I never gave it a second thought. Unfortunately he did. He kept questioning himself versus taking our relationship for what it was. He was the one that decided to end things because of the perceived problems he thought would arise in our relationship. I will always care about him and wouldn't think twice about dating a man with a disability again.
 Froggy_rosequeen69
Joined: 9/29/2004
Msg: 21
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 12/7/2004 6:28:21 PM
Are we just refering to physical disablities? Just curious because I am dating a guy with epilepsy, Although he is a hottie and the sweetest most amazing man I have met...its very complicated because he cant be left alone, he does work but cant drive.... and I have 3 younger kids to raise and work and I want to go back to school....but I am not ready to end the relationship. We dont live together but he wants to and I am holding off on that step because #1 I dont want to rush that fast and #2 it will make everything so much more complicated. (I hope I'm not sounding shallow here)
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 22
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 12/9/2004 5:04:35 AM
nightwolf,

Thank YOU for bringing up another excellent thought about disabilities-the wheelchair. I've talked to several ppl in chairs, and the one thing that I always hear is this: "People seem to ALWAYS talk ABOVE the person in the chair"! It's as if they don't exist anymore. I hope you have never experienced this.

I also hope you realize that you are the same special person you were, before you took that fall that put you in a chair. While I can't begin to imagine what being in a chair is like, I CAN imagine that it takes much time to adjust to it.

As to your friends...I agree with them 100%! I hope you never deprive a lady of your company...so get out there, and be the wonderful person you already are, ok?

(And btw, I admire anyone who isn't afraid of heights! I can't even look at a ladder, without getting sweaty palms! And movies that have to do with heights, produce the same reaction, except I hide my eyes in the scary parts!)

Good luck, and hope you let us know how you do...


Gentlespirit
 gentlespirit
Joined: 11/19/2004
Msg: 23
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 12/9/2004 5:20:09 AM
Catchme,

Thank you for the kind words....they are truly appreciated.

As to my friend with MS-he does get occasional visits from his kids, however it's obvious their mom has had some influence on their way of thinking now...hopefully with time, they will come to see their dad is a VERY special man.

(Btw, I bet you get tired of all the females trying to get your attention-you are indeed a very special man.)

Gentlespirit
 swtnsssy
Joined: 9/7/2004
Msg: 24
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 12/20/2004 8:02:51 AM
I was going through the threads in this section and came across this posting. I thought I would comment on it.

I have never had the opportunity to date a person in a wheelcharir, but I did take care of someone in a wheelchair ... my mother. She was diagnosed with MS in January if 1989. She was in a wheelchair as a result of this for a year, and worked herself out of it (she was "lucky"). The looks that she received when she was in the wheelchair disgusted me. People who are in a wheelchair, require the use of a cane, crutches or walker are no different.

Now there are many forms of disabilities other than requiring a wheelchair. There are the physical ones ie disfigurements, health issues that may not be apparent (ie diseases such as heart disease, epilepsy, cancer etc), among others. These people are also no different but do get treated differently (I know this from personal experience).

I also agree with a post that is above, that if its a terminal disability its not fair to either person to get into something serious if the end result will be a sad one. BUT ... at the same time ... if someone who has cancer is single and looking to date someone, the companionship and friendship may just be what they are looking for!

Now that being said ... I am a person with a disability of sort. I have cancer. I am about to go through some pretty severe treatments that will make me sick. I am not looking to get into a serious relationship with anyone, but it sure would be nice for people to not run away and hide from me ... honest I am still the same person, in fact I am a better person for having to go through this, because I am fun to be around now, and just live life to its fullest potential!!! (And I am not looking for sympathy on this either). I have had many friends disappear because they cannot handle the fact that I have cancer, and that i have had to have a few surgeries because it keeps popping up. I have had people that I have met tell me that I am a great person but can't be around me until I am "healthy" again. I do not have my "illness" in my profile for a reason, in fact I don't offer up the information lightly for this reason.

I know not everyone treats people with disabilities poorly, but there are a number of people who do, and really does hurt the person with the "problem", whether its visible or not.

To all the people on here who realize that a person with a disability is just that ... a person ... KUDOS and thank you!!!!!!!
 indigo rose
Joined: 11/25/2004
Msg: 25
Disabilities and dating....
Posted: 12/20/2004 10:54:49 AM
swtnsassy..what a fun sweet girl you are !..I know what
you are facing.. you are in my prayers..It will be hard at times
you will want to quit ..you will feel sorry for yourself ...but you will
beat it !....I chased my guy away we had been together 4 years ..
I didn't want anyone to see me at my worst..or maybe I was afraid
he wouldn't stick by me...at any rate I went through this crap alone..
I will survive and so will you ! It's all about attitude .... find people
and things that make you happy..surround yourself with positive people...
I know you like to laugh..that has been the greatest medicine for me..
good luck sweetie... if you want to talk I'm here!


Indigorose
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