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 AUTHOR
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 5
Dating an alcoholicPage 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Run as fast as you can.

I was in the same situation. I found myself in a church basement at an Alanon meeting while she was out getting drunk. Their advice was to get out. There were women in their 70's still waiting for their partners to dry out.

It's a cycle of drinking and remorse. It doesn't end until he makes the decision. He loves alcohol more than he loves you.

All you can do is leave him. No contact, nothing. That will take incredible strength. He may decide to dry out once you leave him but don't count on it.

If he decides to quit drinking it will be a solitary journey, with the exception of professional help and organizations such as AA. You really can't do anything for him.

This post may sound harsh but it's reality. You have to take care of yourself.
 donb01
Joined: 8/13/2005
Msg: 8
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History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:22:26 PM
I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and went through a lot of crap.

I found a book many years ago titled "Codependant No More" and when I read it the big thought going through my mind was "Holy Shit - this is me!".

Everyone can preach to the choir, and you can't deny that you have feelings for the guy, but the fact of the matter is that you cannot fix him, no matter how much you try, and you will just make yourself sick trying.

As hard as it is, go back out in the world and find someone else. You're friend will not seek help until HE wants to, and most of the time that is not until they hit bottom or worse, and start to BELIEVE they need help.

My Father is not the same as my lover, but I can tell you that my relationship with him improved DRAMATICALLY after I moved into my own place and got away from everything that was going on. I found I could go visit him during the day and have a good relationship with him - and not see or experience all the other crap that went on. This process is called detachment - you remove yourself from the problem and just accept the good.

Unfortunately you cannot do this with a significant other - you are always going to be there for both parts - the good and the bad. Unfortunately the only way to make it better for YOU is to find someone else. Sprinkle the pain with a few positive reminders that this is HIS problem, not yours, and the small amount of pain you have now from leaving will be vastly less than the huge amount of pain you will endure if you stay.

Sorry for rambling... sensitive subject...
 40 Something
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 9
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:35:07 PM
My name is Len. I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Is there anyone out there who can help me...maybe you've been through it. He claims to love me, he claims to want to quit...he even has gone so far as to call AA. But tells me that he is 'scared to death' of going. When he is drinking, nothing else matters....he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat, when he sobers up he feels SO bad, I can't help but forgive him.

What should I do???? Seriously confused here.


You have just described me in my drinking days. Forgiveness makes you an enabler. Tough love was the anwser for me. There is nothing you can do, threatn, or offer that will make one bit of difference in an alcoholic's decison to stop. Walk away. When he does decide to stop (if ever) he will then also be able to decide whether he loves you or not. Then you can decide if you want him back.

You cannot put your life on hold for someone else's addiction. Don't you deserve some happiness too??

"If you love something,
Set it free.
If it comes back, its yours,
If it doesn't it never was."
 40 Something
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 13
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:47:50 PM
This is the prayer I turn to not only to maintain my sobriety but for life in general

God grant me:

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
 Ruby Lips
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 16
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 9:17:04 PM
When I saw this thread it made my heart stop. You poor thing. Get your ass to al-anon now! Call to-night or in the morning and get going. That man put you behind a bottle of beer. You are a co-dependent and an enabler. Just as sure as I sit here typing you are one more cause for his drinking. If you love him, you stop that right now girl! I know cause I am in AA myself. On these forums I run an AA thread for Alkies. When I sobered up I went to AA and al-anon both. I discovered I was co-depedent and an enabler. I had to walk away from a 35 year marriage to let my husband fall to his own bottom. Every-ones bottom is a different level. There are some who lose it all and end up under a bridge fighting a dog for a sandwich. There are those who shape up real fast and lose hardly anything. The longer you wait the more he will lose. Do you really want that on your conscience? Now stop being foolish and get moving. It will mean walking outside your comfort zone in a way you have never done before. But if I can do it, any-one can. My life to-day is a dream compared to what it used to be. Yours will be too. I sincerely wish you Luck sweetie......now GO!!
 Ticketoride
Joined: 6/3/2004
Msg: 22
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 11:06:13 PM
I think every relationship in the past that involved substance abuse, be it Booze, Street or Psych Drugs, those relationships fell apart in no Time.

Would never go there again ... walk away, don't look back.
 Sheedosie
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 25
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History
dateing an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 8:13:41 AM
I was married to an alcoholic for ten years and after he walked out on me.............I blamed myself for years. Alcoholics have a way of blaming you for everything that goes wrong in their lives and after living with one for awhile, your behavior imitates that of an addict, except that your addiction becomes them as the substance. You know that it's not good for you, but you keep going back expecting a different outcome. The only outcome is that you sink further and further. Recovery means total abstinance.

It is extremely difficult to resist the urge to want to help but the only thing that derives from your helping is that you wind up hurting yourself repeatedly and they continue to use booze as the only way they know how to cope.

I congratulate all the recovering users who responded and think it is so wonderful that you found a way to stay sober and learned to cope. God bless you in your sobriety.

I think those of us who stayed with the user need the support of each other because we all know that the one we love or loved would wind up killing us inside.
 Wordweaver
Joined: 5/31/2005
Msg: 28
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History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:19:19 PM
Check the Internet for MELANIE BEATTIE's works.
Perhaps, a support group might also help.

The mastery of Alcoholism: In simple terms, "The consequences for remaining sober must be more rewarding than those for NOT being so."

Much luck and success in your fight.
 Ruby Lips
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 31
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 4:19:24 PM
Dear bns. I sure am glad if you just go to Al-Anon and seek more info. That's the 1st step forward. Do purchase books by Melanie Beattie.

You are not going to find some-one with an active addiction just posting on here. They seem to need the security of those of like minds about them. That is why the AA like societies work. Because we are not alone, but in company of many like us. It is a WE program and it helps to relate to others with a like problem.

The AA program for Alkies like me are not just about not drinking either. It is a 12 step program on how to live your life. Many of us never learned the proper skills from the beginning of our lives for many various reasons. It is actually a 'Life's Skills' learning course. Once you learn the tools, your in control for the very first time in your life. That makes you free.

Dear trvling man......I am decended in many books from the original King of Ireland. We do have some drunks in our family. But many social drinkers and abstainers as well. The theory is that it is an hereditary illness. That is up for specualtion. The debate goes on. No one ethnic background owns that. Irish does not = Drunk. The idea that it is an illness is even debatable in some circles. The medical profession has accepted it. Some of the general population has not. So I think that is why some don't appreciate being painted with the same brush.

bns.......I wish you luck......contact me anytime......
 Dragoninrain
Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 48
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 6:49:36 PM
I'm with xpxpk on this one.

Give thanks you are not married to an acting out alcoholic.

Count it as a lesson learned.

The only person who can change an acting out alcoholic is themselves with the help of a Higher Power, the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Even Alanon believes in being happy and content without the person who is drinking - to me that would be mighty difficult and I am not into martyrdom.

RUN! As fast as you can and don't look back.
 dddynamic
Joined: 9/8/2005
Msg: 49
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 6:50:16 PM
IF you truly love him...the first thing you should do is look into alanon. Get advice from people who understand the things that you go through instead of people on a thread who mostly don't understand. (no disrepsect intented). Only an alcoholic can understand an alcoholic and only the partner of an alcoholic can understand the partner. From there you can decide if it is worth continuing or not.

Pesonally, You might want to look at yourself first to see what might have drawn you to him in the first place. I mean drinking is not usually the problem....its the thinking. And his personality attracted you...

Be Good
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 50
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 7:45:33 PM
dddynamic:

I disagree when you say that people on this thread don't understand. Mosts of the replies are from people who speak from their own experience, either as an alcoholic or as the partner of an alcoholic.

Alanon exists for a reason and its purpose is honorable. There are surprising similarities in all alcoholic relationships and insight can be gained through others in the same circumstance.

The original post referred to "dating" an alcoholic. I see no future in dating an alcoholic. The best way for the sober partner to objectively assess her role in the relationship is to first remove herself from it.
 goldielocks101
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 51
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History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 8:04:55 PM
Ever thought of going with him to an AA meeting? Perhaps some moral support would get him motivated? You can go to an open meeting even if your not an alcoholic.
 goldielocks101
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 52
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History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 8:07:55 PM
I agree. It's not wise to even consider a relationship with an addict as they already have a bigger relationship with their addictions than they will with you.
 goldielocks101
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 53
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History
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 8:12:11 PM
I disagree. You don't really know someone until you live with them. When you first meet and prior to living together, you can be misled easily.
 Ruby Lips
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 56
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 9:34:21 PM
^^^^^Yeah what she said.......God Bless her pea pickin heart.
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 58
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/17/2005 4:26:49 AM
Blast, it's not a BS and ignorant statement.

It may not be love for alcohol, but it's an overpowering desire to drink above all else, regardless of the consequences.

The only thing that will create the will to quit is acknowledgement of the consequences of continued drinking, which can include poor health, loss of self worth, loss of career, and the destruction of important relationships. The world says "walk away and let the addict find their pit" for good reason. If the alcoholic decides to quit, he must do it on his own, and it is a decision based on the damage that he has created through drinking.

Intervention may be required but it must be the alcoholic's decision. A de-tox centre will only take those who walk through the door and say, "I need help". Often, intervention occurs when a loved one threatens to leave unless the drinker receives treatment. It is a threat that must be carried out. If the alcoholic decides to continue drinking, the sober partner has no choice but to end the relationship. Otherwise, it shows support for the habit.

It is only after the alcoholic has surrendered himself to treatment, and demonstrated a true commitment to remaining sober, that the love and support of a loved one is of value.
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 60
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/17/2005 5:09:17 AM
Blast, I don't know what line is being crossed if a suggestion is made at an Alanon meeting to end a relationship. Speaking from my own experience, I am glad that someone had the courage to cross that line. I received that advice at an Alanon meeting and also from a professional addictions counsellor.

There is no shame and dishonor in walking away.
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 66
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/17/2005 9:01:51 AM
Cabo, what you are experiencing is common in every alcoholic relationship. We know exactly what you are going through. Emotionally, a drinker can provide the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. He will not change for you and he will not change for anyone else. He can only change for himself.

Quitting an alcoholic relationship can be as difficult as it is for an alcoholic to quit drinking. A drinker, in order to quit, must throw the bottle in the garbage can and do whatever it takes to never go near it again. If you decide to walk away, you must throw the relationship in the garbage can and never go back.

You will need support. It sounds like you have friends that will help. You will need them. You may wish to discuss it with them before you make your exit. In your darkest and loneliest moment, when all you want to do is phone your former partner, you want to be able to call upon a friend instead.

I wish you the best. For you.
 xpxpk
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 68
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/17/2005 9:54:24 AM
Of course. As sober partners, we have our own dependency which is, in a sense, an addiction to the relationship. It can be very difficult to come to terms with that while the relationship still exists. The alcoholic becomes the distraction and we don't take the time to look within. That is our struggle and it's not as easy one.
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 70
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 8:34:59 PM
If he is not serious about going to AA then there is nothing you can do. He hast to wanna stop/ Your future life will not change without some kind of professional intervention and thats the cold hard facts.

I went out witha guy whose mother was an alcoholic. They do not stop, they wont stop, their love for you WONT wiin them around. It usually takes something earth shattering to make them stop, and it wont be you. Sorry. in my boyfriends case it was a dsigraceful party after which the entire family refused to ever visit the woman EVER again. At Christmas. Inclduing my b/f : her son. Her own husband left the house. After that she finally booked into AA. She has been sober for over 10 years and leads a good life now - but she can never drink again. Not one drop, not even in her food

Other case, a good friend of mine was going out with an alcoholic. She had 3 drink driving charges, totalled 3 cars with no insurance...and didnt stop for her b/f, my friend. In fact having someone there loving them and willing to put up with their shite, only keeps them going....it wasnt until the police arrested her and she ended up rolling around the gutter out in the street, screaming like a banshee, to get away from them and she was faced with jail, did she finally go to AA. Actuall the judge made her. They have been together for 4 years now and though she is ok at the moment, they cannot go out socialisign together, she cant be around alcohol and he lives under the constant threat of her going off at any time. At no point was it her love for him that got her under control, it was the threat to her own hide

Dont kid yourself. It is treatable, but they have to be seriou about it. If you dont take a serious stand they wont either, Not until something drastic happens. If he wont go to AA I would leave. And mean it. Else why should he change and that kind of professional help and treatment IS the only thing that will work.
 luvsbasil
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 72
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:05:34 PM
o dear he needs help and like yesterday
met a man once would fight rather then to hand over his drink
and knew a few died just to drink
{pulls up a chair and looks u in the eyes}if he has got 2 the pt. of pukin- shut the bthrm up tight windows and all and when he wakes up and walks in their it'll sober him up lol
no seriously-i held in w/ one for 7 yrs. -what can't he live w/o more then the drink?
 smith2267
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 74
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:15:49 PM
What does he do when he's drunk? Does he hurt you?
Alcoholism can be beaten.
If he doesn't hurt you when he is drunk, and is such a geat guy when he is sober, maybe he is worth fighting for.
 RonniG
Joined: 8/12/2004
Msg: 76
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:37:55 PM
I doesn't matter how much you love him. You can't cure him or change him. He is addicted to alcohol. The only thing you can do is seek help to understand why you suffer so much. Please seek assistance in an AA and/ or Alanon program. There are folks there that can help you help yourself.

My alcoholic ex called me after 5 yrs post divorce, when I begged him so long to seek help and quit drinking during 6yrs of marriage. He wanted to thank me and wondered why I didn't tell him sooner. DUH!

I'm fine now- I understand my motivations and will never put myself in that position again. I'm seriously NOT confused. I'm not alone, there are dozens of folks that have dealt with this and you can too!
 RonniG
Joined: 8/12/2004
Msg: 77
Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:57:29 PM
Hi Boise,

The disease is not the alcohol, the disease is how the alcoholic reacts to the alcohol, drug, addiction, whatever.

We can try to regulate, tax, restrict, label or whatever as long as we want. The problem is the addict and his or her relationship with the substance and the problems and hurt caused by that addictive relationship. If you look past the alcohol you might see the meth, cocaine, and other addictions that we might choose to wreak havoc in our lives. Stop being mad with AA. If another solution helps you stay clean and productive more power to you. Help is help wherever you find it. You just won't find it at the bottom of a bottle.
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