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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?      Home login  
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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 6
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Would you be jealous if you found out your significant other had a friend of the opposite sex?

Nope, my fellow has female friends; my best friend is a guy and I have other male friends. He's made new female friends in the time we have been in relationship and has some that pre-date our meeting.

I am not concerned in the least about any of his friends however, I would absolutely flip if a friendship was "secret". That's indicative of an entirely different issue.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 7
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/17/2010 10:17:23 PM
I think when a man is younger, it's next to impossible. As you age you can control your base impulses and see her as just a friend.

Ya know, as a woman, I find this type of thinking insulting to the majority men of any age. I can't imagine how offensive men must find it. There are men of any age who may fall into the category of boinking anything in sight (or thinking their fellow gender does too because they, themselves, do) but, c'mon, I find the vast majority of men to be far more discerning than that. My son and daughter have many opposite gender friends that they've had since kindergarten, none of them fugly. What has kept them friends is the ability to be just that...friends.

But the question: Do women get offended when they're "just a friend"

Like some men who will boink anything in sight, I'm sure there are some women who get offended at being considered "just a friend". I'd think a person is pretty damned worthy to be considered a friend, rather than seen strictly as something to satiate those who function on "base impule" alone. Generally, the guy working on base impulse alone and the woman who's offended to be classified as just a friend wind up getting together...and we know how that usually winds up.

"No, you really want to bone them too."

It's called comedy for a reason.


Would you be jealous if you found out your significant other had a friend of the opposite sex?

Nope, and I wouldn't be with a man who was jealous of my male friends either. As has been said, if it was some "secret friend"...that's a horse of a different colour.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/17/2010 11:25:44 PM
I was a pretty mixed up kid who took a long time to become an adult and who made tons of mistakes, but not screwing my friends was always pretty damn easy. I have never understood why people find it so hard to have friends of a different gender and not think about them as something to use when you are aroused and have no one you really want to be with to have sex with. It just does not occur to me to think that maybe Charlie or Joe might be a good lay until someone interesting comes along. I find that such odd thinking, to have FWBs.

So when someone tells me they have friends, I don't jump to the conclusion that they must be screwing each others brains out when I'm not around. Unless they show some signs of something more, I assume they are just friends.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 12
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/18/2010 1:34:22 AM
My only friends are men. Thet are all platonic, I've never had sex with any of my male friends and I do not want to. The 2 male friends I talk to the most,both are in a committed relationship with their girlfriend. Their girlfriends know I am friends with their man and they have no problem with that fact. I have never had a problem having male friends when I have been in a real relationship either, with the man I was with.
In summary to this question. From my experience, yes a man and woman can be real , platonic friends and this does not interfer with any on going real relationship either might be involved with.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 17
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/18/2010 5:58:17 AM
friendship has no gender!
They are your friends because they are there for you when you need them! (in a non sexual way)
You dont see them as having a penis or a vagina!!
Every healthy mature adult should know this!!!!
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 24
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/18/2010 12:07:24 PM
Of course men and women can be just friends...what are we, animals that have no self control?

OP - you echoed my thoughts exactly - she was around for YEARS before you...if they wanted to "fool around" or become a couple...why would they wait for him to be in a relationship?

Don't let your own insecurities, or some relic of "proper behavior" from the Victorian era mess up something that sounds like it's going great to me!
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 25
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/18/2010 12:28:45 PM
I think there are two separate issues at play here. To simply answer the question; yes, men and women can be just friends. I have a few good male friends. In fact I met my significant other through a close friend who is male.

The other issue that comes into play are boundaries within a relationship. How you carry on that friendship should be determined by what boundaries the two parties in the relationship are comfortable with. I will give an example. When I was single, this particular male friend and I would hang out and watch a movie at his house or mine, occasionally go out to dinner, etc. There was never anything beyond friendship. I no longer do those things alone with this friend out of respect for my significant other. The friend and I are still friends and often do things as a group, but I don’t believe in putting myself in situations in which anything could be misconstrued. My SO did not ask me to change my relationship; I did so out of respect. I do, however, know other couples who have different sets of boundaries that they are comfortable with, and have determined those together.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 26
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/18/2010 12:29:21 PM
I always like this line:

<div class="quote">I trust him, I just don't know her, and don't know if I trust her. That is what bothers me.
Which really means you don't 100% trust him or trusting her wouldn't even be a thought in your head.

<div class="quote">I have made it a non-issue, just made it clear to him after we talked that to me all things were forgiveable, except infidelity. He told me they were just friends and I have no reason to think otherwise. We have a relationship based on trust, and if that is lost, then in my mind we lost the foundation of what "we" are all about. I am not going to beat this to death with him, because the last thing I want to appear is jealous and untrusting.
You've made it a non-issue with him, but it apparently is a bit of an issue for you. By this very thread and what you have written, there IS an amount of, at the very least, jealousy being displayed. Having said that, I can understand the seed of it being planted in your head, and thus this thread, because it sounds like he deliberately excluded telling you that it was his friend, "Jane Doe", that he went out with and on top of that, she knows all about you but for some reason you knew nothing of her. Most people, when asked, will say I went out with my friend so and so. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, however, because he was likely afraid that if he told you it was a female friend he went out with, you might get your knickers in a knot.

<div class="quote">With that being said, I want to think men and women can be platonic friends without sex being an issue.
What you want to think and what you actually do think, are likely two different things or this wouldn't have even been an issue for you worthy of resurrecting the thread. Personally, I've seen many, many instances of men and women being platonic friends without sex, including my own instances, so I do believe it - then again, it just may be me and the company I choose to keep.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 27
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 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 31
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/18/2010 3:14:26 PM
He is very trusting. I have known women who could use a trusting nature to their advantage.

Using his trusting nature to do what, precisely? Get him into a romatic/sexual situation that is somehow not his responsibility? I don't care how trusting a person is, if they're the one acting on someone else's signals, that's got nothing to do with how trusting he is. Given your age, I can only assume this man is of a similarly close age to you. You aren't painting a very nice picture of him when it comes to overall mental maturity.

For example, that evening he failed to call me as he said he would earlier in the day. Now his female friend, being a woman, would know that if you tell your lady you are going to call you should follow through. If she was watching his back, she should have made sure at the least he touched base with meas he promised. They were watching basketball and drinking at a sports bar when he made the first call.

I dunno, any friend that I'm out with, male or female, is responsible for their own obligations. I can see if one of my friends said, "Don't forget to remind me to call so and so" and then, as a friend, I'd attempt to actually remember, myself, to remind my friend. However, expecting a friend to be either a mind reader or to suppose that your friend needs unsolicited reminders to call someone is pushing the bounds of what I would reasonably think you should expect of this friend, who just happens to be a female.

I don't know if I would use the word jealousy. My boyfriend knows that I have male friends as outlined in the previous post. I have never given him cause to be jealous because he trusts me...

It would be the other way around in that he trusts you because you've never given him reason to be jealous. My inference had nothing to do with his jealousy but was in reference to your own. I did say, however, that he has given you pause to wonder (raise your jealousy level), first by not telling you who he was out with (but you explained that away by saying he never refers to anyone by name) and secondly, by him telling you that this woman knows all about you but you knew nothing about her until he mentioned it was a female friend he was out with.

The reality is when he did reveal his friend was a female,
I asked him once if he slept with her. I didn't throw a fit. I didn't yell or scream. I just calmly told him when he said "No, they were just friends" that I could forgive anything but infidelity, and I had to take him at his word. I would say that is a pretty calm way to process that information.

I didn't say you threw a fit, to the contrary; however, this IS something that is weighing on your mind. Perhaps he thought it would (so knickers in a knot inside your own mind - maybe) or perhaps his friendship is such with this woman that he just doesn't give it a second thought that she's female - just that she's a friend who he knew would be up for watching a game and having a few drinks so he wouldn't feel like a schlep sitting there by himself. By your own account he is naive and, therefore, it wouldn't have crossed his mind to be anything but two friends on an outing.

I think knowing him the way I do, that he can have a female friend without sex being an issue, however, as I previously stated, not knowing this woman, I have no idea what she feels in her heart about him.

(I obvously like discussing forum stuff as well or I wouldn't be doing all this cutting and pasting.) My point is, if you really trust him, what she happens to feel in her heart about him should have absolultely no bearing on anything. The only way to get an inkling would be to suggest you all get together for another of the same type of nights and get to know her yourself...as a friend. It should ought to put your wondering mind at ease.

I happen to think that the best relationships between men and women are ones where they are both best friends and lovers.

Best friends who are lovers is a totally different form of relationship than male/female platonic friendships. Because someone happened to kiss in a movie after being friends for years is just that - a scenario in a movie and the lives and dynamics are not yours or your b/f's. You may not be upset at all with your b/f having a female friend he's not mentioned before, but there's an awful lot of projecting what "might" be causing you some measure of concern, based on what you saw in a movie, combined with the naivety you assume your b/f possesses at his age. He's obviously been in relationships before - he has a son. I wouldn't presume he suddenly became stupid, or to put it nicely - "naive" - just because he mainly looked after his son for a number of years. He relates to people in the workplace and to you in what I would presume to be a mature level. If he happens to be as naive as you make him out to be, I would hope he or you woudn't use that as an excuse for him acting on anything romantic or sexual this female friend might do. If he responded to any romantic intentions, that would be pretty much the opposite of him being naive and have everything to do with him, personally, being untrustworthy. So, again, do you trust HIM or not?
 webmdtech
Joined: 12/5/2008
Msg: 46
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/22/2010 12:26:54 PM
women attract other women, like i have a girl room mate and most of my friends are girls. i never slept with my room mate but i sure did with all her friends. sometimes you just got to play cool and say "we are just great friends", that makes women think or makes them jelous , who knows, i know one thing for sure, if you want to get laid you got to be around women and not every woman is a target but she can be a pawn!
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 50
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/23/2010 12:47:16 AM
Well, here is my experience and summary. I have many female and male friends, but I only consider the male friends REAL friends. I have always wanted to find a female REAL friend, but I don't think it's really possible for these reasons. I can't go anywhere with the female friends without them expecting me to treat them like a date or asking me qualifying questions that shouldn't matter to someone only seeking friendship. I wouldn't hang out or go on hunting trips with male friends either, if they expected me to always pick up the tab and ask me personal questions unrelated to our activities. My male friends never take advange of my friendship or impose on me, but my female friends do it often...too often. So, for this reason I try to keep my female friends at arms length and have a certain amount of distrust as to what their agendas really are. So, if you men are having a different experience from mine, tell me what I'm doing wrong or give me directions to your planet.
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 51
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/23/2010 11:18:12 AM
It was a movie......

IRL, men and women can't be friends if they are even remotely attracted.

It is a rarity.

I would never have a friendship with a woman I ever thought of in a sexual manner.

That's just the way it is.......



 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 53
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/23/2010 1:25:17 PM
JayShank, What's missing on these forums is total honesty because of mixed company. That in itself proves that the "friendship" word has to be twisted to a different meaning when applied to opposite sexes. The reality of the word in this case is simply a male and female that seem to find some benefit in communicating or association that just haven't bumped bellies yet. There is always a hidden agenda on one side or the other, or this so called friendship wouldn't exist. Being old enough to take my spurs off, and call it a day...I can finally afford to be honest without giving a rats azz about what the masses think about my opinions. So here's the truth. If everything else would stay the same in my female friendships, my piece of mind, my freedom, my drama free existance, my time and money...I can't think of one of them that I wouldn't wrinkle the sheets with. They are all reasonably to very attractive, but age and wisdom has taught me where the line is.....that line is sex and I haven't crossed it in a decade and probably never will again. I've been tempted many times, but I know without a doubt that a couple hours of naked bliss will turn my life upside down 24/7. Would I rather be hip deep in a mountain trout stream or taking ballroom dancing lessons?..guess! Would I rather be on the top of a mountain in the morning fog with a cup of hot coffee and my rifle or be taking some little rat looking creature for a walk in the doggy park?...guess! As I'm tearing up a mountain side in four wheel drive next to a cliff, do I want a lady beside me screaming her azz off or my male buddy suggesting a shift from high to low lock?...guess! The bottom line here is this....it's all about age groups and zippers. When I was younger, being a man was zipper down and making the sacrafices for it's position. I've had my fun and my family, but at some point in my time on this earth...I really want to live like a man (or what my lady friends call being selfish).....that can only be done in the zipper up position!...it isn't so bad if you have lots of good memories. This friendship only thing between men and women is always on fragile ground, because we really don't have anything truly in common and neither one would honestly discuss the same matters or have the same opinions as with members of our own gender. That's just nature folks, thank goodness we find our way around it enough to reproduce.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 56
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/23/2010 1:55:19 PM
Angie, regarding post 64, you are twenty years old for Gods sakes. Tell us about it in twenty more years You just admitted in a post above that they are always there for you...to do what?....sounds like an agenda to me. You are an attractive busty young girl, so try this out for a little instant wisdom. Tell all your male friends that are always there for you, that you were born with a male organ and see what happens. Poof!....where did they go?
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 58
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/23/2010 9:44:05 PM
^^^O.K. Angie....my bad, but you will find other female friends more likely to be your real friends in the long run....just don't get into cat fights with them over men.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 68
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 1:06:33 PM
^^^Listen up nice catch77...Let an old fart throw something at you. First off, don't make any hard and fast rules for yourself or your behavior based on how you interpret something you read on a forum. While you may or may not take issue with "junkyarddogs" remark about the "friends box", it is important that you understand it the way she meant it. There are different qualifications for who you want as friends and mates, and it takes a little time to see who does and doesn't have these qualities. Once this is established, they get mentally sorted in one box or the other. They usually stay there because people don't usually change their personality or who they are....at least not overnight. In short, don't take these comments so literally, and try to seek the true meaning. If you think about it...we work the same way. Any issues that you might be having with the system of natural attraction are more than likely to be shortcomings of your own...and by that I mean, your ability to read a womans eyes and body language...they don't work like ones and zero's. Paying close attention to this should easily reveal who's sizing you up for a friend to call when her car breaks down or who's considering you to fertilize her eggs. Don't confuse one with the other, because there are plenty of both. In my age group, it's a different story...they don't have any more eggs, but still want an old rooster around to maintain the nest. BTW, if you were ever lucky enough to find a little gal like "junkyarddog"...consider yourself the jackpot winner, she is without a doubt a real prize! If I were thirty years younger, I would be sleeping on her doorstep.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 70
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 2:47:17 PM
It goes without saying that you have to be friends with the opposite sex before you can have a relationship with them but there has to be an attraction there on top of the friendship aspect - relationship-wise. This whole thing about you can't be friends with the opposite sex because lust would get in the way just cracks me up. It amazes me how much grey matter is screwed up to believe it's an all or nothing proposition and that sex and friendship can't be separated. If people haven't evolved to beyond that point, sucks to be them.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 71
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 9:34:33 PM
nice catch77, The old mans got a news flash for you...you better listen to your dad, because things between men and women haven't changed in the area we are discussing in thousands of years. This area is in the DNA, and that takes a hell of lot more time to evolve than your dad and I have been around. Re-read your responce to me and see if you don't catch the problem that I tried to bring to your attention. Did you find it?...well here it is.. "they failed to TELL me I was just a friend". Young man, they don't tell you anything with words. You need to learn to read the signs between a friend in need and a friend indeed. If you can't tell when a woman is looking into you or looking at you...these are areas that need work on your part by paying attention to small details. Ever heard the term " the devil is in the details"? Watch her posture and mannerisms when she is around you...do they change?, if not..expect to hear from her when her auto battery goes dead. When sitting across the dinner table, does her eyes lock on to yours searching for approval or a significant sign...if not, plan on seeing her again when her hot water heater leaks. Does she ask you qualifying questions about your future plans or family?...if not, be prepaired to fix a lawn mower, but don't expect to be mowing her patch. It's just a matter of awareness, and knowing where and where not to spend you time and energy. Now, before you start demonizing women who befriend and use you, think about this for a moment. We as men built a very complicated world full of technical machines, politics, scams and many other things that they have to survive in.....right brain living in a left brain world. Give them an honest hand now and then, without allowing yourself to be used up or expecting anything in return. Remember, one of them in the past was your mother. One other news flash, online dating doesn't work for most of us or you would be here talking to yourself.....get out there and mingle if you really want to meet someone. Pair up with a buddy and hit the social events, many single gals will be paired up with their girlfriends as well. Wolves hunt better in packs.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 72
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 9:50:32 PM
The last couple of posts aren't even on topic...the question is about whether or not men and women can be just friends...not how come when a guy wants a relationship she just wants a friend or aka "I'm a nice guy and can't get a relationship". No wonder things turn into a clusterfvck in the threads.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 74
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 10:10:05 PM
Angie dear, don't help me prove my point...if a guy came to you and fixed your computer, you should have cooked him some damn lasagna. As for you Chamelion, you are always sarcastic and whinning. At 55, I doubt there is anything about male, female friendship that you don't or shouldn't already know. The thread is very much on topic, so if you don't like it ....is you TV broke?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 75
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 10:22:42 PM
Hey!...it's not me whining that women are useless and only want to go dancing, etc. or create havoc with the man cave. And it's not me whining that the opposite gender is incapable of anything other than usery and that I've washed my hands of them. As for sarcasm, that's best left to others who revel in it.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 76
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The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 10:40:24 PM
^^^^You tickle me woman, always looking for soap box to jump on to wave your feminist flag. Just so you don't get accused of twisting or putting words in others mouths, please show me where I said "useless", "incapable" or "washed my hands of them". You can't because I never said any of that crap....but I've watched you do the same to others, so I don't feel too special I like my life just as it is...sorry if that bothers you. I guess the TVs broke....hey, call a man friend to fix it.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 77
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/25/2010 11:39:50 PM
Since you insist on making a point of directing comments to me, personally, rather than to the thread topic or general comments that I or others make, I'll take this opportunity to respond directly to you, in turn, mtn.lover, just for sh!ts and giggles.

A feminist flag? Now that's just laughable right there! You obviously aren't familiar with my posting history or your comprehension skills are skewed because you disagree with my comments, but hey, that's entirely your prerogative to disagree. My comments here have to do with people who are mentally or hormonally incapable of delineating between lust and social friendship with the opposite sex...no matter their age. As far as "useless", "incapable" or "washed my hands of them", it's you who have interpreted that I was referring to you, personally - I don't recall making it personal, nor was I making direct quotes attributed to anyone in particular or I would have used the quote boxes. You are taking this far too personal but perhaps you feel the shoe fits and that's the reason; but that's on you, not me. Just because I happened to include your comment about dancing as an example of whining, it doesn't mean my post was about you, personally - it was merely included with a general example, with the rest of the words and phrases being attributed to any number of other people who have posted in this and other threads about why they feel incapable of getting along with the opposite sex in any form of relationship, friendship or otherwise. But if you chose to stroke your ego by interpreting it as pointed at you - whatever works for you - or take exception all you like - makes no difference to me. Now, please, stop directing your comments to me directly but rather to the ideas expressed. It doesn't flatter me that you choose to; in fact, to the contrary.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 79
The Billy Crystal Question...Can men and women be just friends?
Posted: 2/26/2010 10:52:53 AM
Sorry nice - it was my interpretation at the time and another poster was tending to bolster that idea. But again, the thread is about males and females having the ability to be strictly friends, not about being friends first and progressing to relationship status. Although, in retrospect I can seee where it could have been interpreted to be about that, particularly when there are so many people who don't believe there can be strictly plantonic friendships without sex automatically having to be an eventual outcome or the deterent to having a platonic friendship.
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