Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Do children need a father?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 endogoddess
Joined: 3/23/2005
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Do children need a father?Page 1 of 22    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
I think children need a good role model in thier life, sometimes it just isnt the father.
 wonwascallywabbit
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 7
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 4:03:43 PM
As a single father I tend to think I'm very neccessary to my girls. No I don't think kids need both parents, their mom has not seen them in years. But they must have one parent that truly cares and is always, ALWAYS, there for them. You are only as expendable in your relationship with your kids as you let yourself be. It has nothing to do with societies expectations of you, it's your expectations for yourself. Do you want to be a stand up guy or girl for that matter, then be just that. I think kids can develop just fine with either parent, but as someone said before they do deserve two. That's just not always possible.
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 14
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 6:34:09 AM
On either end, the ideal is to have both parents involved, and barring a serious physical or emotional threat I think we should always encourage a relationship with the other parent no matter what.

That being said if the dad is a serious threat to the child, or refuses to be involved by his own choosing, then we have to compromise. I think if you have no option but to remove the father(mother) than the child needs to have solid and strong male influences (or female, you get the idea). This doesnt necessarily mean your love interests. At this point my sons male influences (his father has becomed involved as of March 05, so until then his male influences were even more important) but they are my father, my brother, the male teacher at his school. My intention, if his dad had chosen to continue to not be involved, would be to get him involved in sports/activities where he would have male influences, as well as enroll him in BigBrothers/Big sisters.

Children deserve to have both parents, but we just dont live in a perfect world. With one very good parent and a big support network I think children can develop to be happy healthy and well-adjusted with one parent.

Of course the parent might meet someone who would be a long-term interest and role model which can be very effective as well. My stepmom is more of a mother than my real mother. Although I will always know she is my stepmom, she is still a HUGE influence in my life. She is the reason I strive for more, take complete responsibility for my son, and fight to continue in college. She has set a very strong example for what i need to do.
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 19
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 4:26:16 PM
From my experience - and reading much news reports, many violent criminals
come from single parent home's. I know that despite how much love a mom can offer,
it's no substitue for a loving dad. How many single moms have their
children in counselling???

http://www.divorcereform.org/crime.html

The internet is filled with evidence supporting the NEED for a father.
 Hazel_Butterfly
Joined: 12/21/2004
Msg: 20
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 5:07:15 PM
As a single mother of children who's father came in and out of my daughters life..... I see the results.... lack of trusting males, pick boy's that will leave them... hurt them.... No matter how many males were around them... (uncles, grand-father)... it was still not their dad....

I know... the problem lies in the in-out of their life... yes... I agree... but still... my daughters voice to me (not him) how much he destroyed their life because they feel abondoned and unloved by their father.

I made the wrong move and did not look for another permanent male in my life.... I'm sure it would have made a difference in their lives to have a stable male in the house...

So to answer your question... YES... children need both a MOTHER and FATHER!!!
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 21
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 5:16:48 PM
While I am highly offended by the suggestion that all children who dont have a live-in dad will be criminals...

I do completely agree with sugarcandy girl. They do need a permanent figure if at all possible. Someone stable and responsible. Hopefully its dad, sometimes it isnt.
 ghettobooty20
Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 9:05:32 PM
i am also a involded with a single parent family, Ihave two children of my own a lil girl an boy there father has chose not to be in their lives cause hes to busy with his friends an drugs! I think that is important to have the birth father to be in a childs life, no matter the situation or circumstances, i think it is very important that the father be there an involded as much as he can be, eventually he will wanna be when he finds it's to late an later on in life it will only effect the children! it's the children that have to suffer not the parents an that's what ppl have to realize~! It is hard you can't force someone to be there but try as much as you can! I think that a childs father in there life effects how they grow up, there emotions, feelings, trust, they could grow up hating ppl for there father walkin out on them,!

what about they grown up have kids an everything then they want the one chance to meet there father? what are you suppose to do then? It won't only hurt more later on in life an the older the child the more it effects them!

I am just going threw it so i know what it is like, my childrens father walked out on them an it's very hard especially for a child who is very attached! My daughter is 15 months everyday all day she was a daddy;'s girl till about 5 months ago when he changed his priotories, an his son is 3 weeks first time ever seeeing him was last week an the first an last time, ppl like this are better off not being in there lives, instead of walking in an out of there lives an getting there hoipes up an then crashing an burning them why not be there? what more important things are there in life than your family?
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 24
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 9:46:26 PM
Sometimes it's in the best interest to the child of the father is not around


As Judge Judy would say; "YOU PICKED HIM!"

If he's good enough for you to hop into bed with, and have children, then we'll assume you're intelligent enough to know he's a decent man. No excuses.
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 27
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:24:56 AM
You said it before I had the chance Blu!

I'm an entrepreneurial major who intends to found a non-profit that will benefit low-income children and families, so I take quit a few sociology courses as well. You hit the nail on the head.
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 29
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 7:30:14 AM
I can certainly see both sides on this. I guess my feelings are just that , YES, of course having the natural parent play a major role in the childs life is ALWAYS the best scenario.

But as a single parent I can fully understand when there would be circumstances that make that impossible. Yes, I think (and intensely hope) that we all would prefer the natural parent to be involved if at all possible. However, we just dont live in a perfect world and I am not going to bash those single moms who have ex's that legitimately are a threat to their children. Is that the way they wish things were, likely not, but what do you want them to do now?

Yes, in hindsight we all could have made better decisions and been pickier. Should I have had a child at 18? NOPE! Should I have ever even been involved with his father in the first place? NOPE!

I was raised in a less than perfect environment which led me to make some poor decisions. It happens, as much as it shouldnt it does and thats the real world, not the ideal of someone. As parents who have potentially come from less than perfect backgrounds, the best thing that we can do is learn and grow. I learned some lessons a little too late and now I have a son. He is here, all the talk back and forth saying I shouldnt have had him wont change that. Here he is at 2.5 and bash me all you want- hes not going anywhere.

My job is to break the cycle through education and personal responsibility, which is what I am doing. So that he can grow up to recognize and value family. All of our jobs are to ensure that we utilize our resources to the best of our ability. If we have 2 loving parents for our children- GREAT, if not, then we need to make do with what we have.

Need a father? YES! But try telling that to a legitimate survivor of domestic violence. Tell her the value of that man being in her childs life. You would be wrong. In some scenarios the father just shouldnt be in the picture and the mother has to compromise the best she can. Its not fair to the child, but if she raises the child right and reaches for support from friends, family, and the community she can raise a healthy, happy, and confident child. They will take a different path in getting there, but they can get there. (note: she can be he in any of these situations)

Sorry to rant, but I just cant stand these idealists trying to put down single mothers who are working hard to overcome their obstacles.
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 31
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:00:27 AM
I completely agree that the fathers role is diminished and undermined by our society and it is a tradgedy. I can only imagine how Id feel if someone told me I could only see my son on weekends.


I have a lot of respect for you gals that want the father to have whatever contact with the two of yours child and allow it, because then you are beyond the selfishness of you and truly love your child to allow it for their benefit.


VERY TRUE! My sons father and I are on okay terms. There is a part of me that really hates that he walked away for over 2 years, and hates that he doesnt contribute. I recently provided him a list (as I do once a year, usually in sept/oct) of things Mason needs. He doesnt pay support (there is an order) and has implied it is bc he doesnt think Mason is benefitting, so it is my way of allowing him to be 100% sure. He has never responded, and when I mentioned to him that I would be bringing the list today he hung up on me. I didnt even want to make the call in the first place bc I knew thats the reaction I would get, and it could potentially ruin the last 7 months of almost weekly visits. SO, after he hung up I was furious, but I waited a few minutes to calm down. Then called back and said "altho I am not happy with what just happened, you know you will always be able to see your son. If you never pay a dime, and never buy anything from the lists I make, you will ALWAYS be allowed to see him. I will NEVER take that away from you... are you still coming to see him tomorrow?"

I didnt want to call back, I wanted to say he couldnt see him. But, my son would be crushed and it is not my right to take away that relationship. His financial contributions and visitation rights are two separate things.

I think you raise the fathers POV which is very good. Sometimes we have to make due without the father. But when there is a willing, able, and safe father (or mother) who wants to be around, none of us should ever stand in the way.
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 35
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 11:05:40 AM

When my daughter complains about her father...I talk to her about it. I explain that her father loves her very much...but sometimes we can't help the choices we make. And that's why it's very important to make sure on a daily basis that you are making good choices. She gets it..and she has no abondonment issues...


This has got to be the most SANE post I've read. Many single mom's (and dads) have
to read this.

There is almost nothing as devestating to a child to be told by a parent that
the other parent is a bum or garbage - to tell you own child that makes
them feel worthless in many levels that only a child's mind could appreciate.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 42
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:01:40 PM
All children need to be loved unconditonally,educated,cared for and raised with open minds and hearts. How we treat our children of today will show up in the adults of the future. And sometimes the parents are NOT the ones to do the raising, sad to say. Anybody can be a parent, it just takes a lot to be a mommy and a daddy.
 tmbmx
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 43
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:44:47 PM
Kids need to be around responsible adults. It is how they learn social skills. I try to be careful what I say in front of them about there mother. I never try to be negitive. She does a good job of that herself. They picked me to live with. I aslo consider it when dating. I think it is important that my kids see that I am dating and not bed hopping. I dont do that is my nature. They learn more form what we do they what we say unfortunatly. A child need to be in a good loving enviroment. I dont care if it on parent or two or what there sex is. I kids just need to be loved and respected.
 celticprinzess
Joined: 8/11/2005
Msg: 44
Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:57:51 PM
OK I've watched this thread for three pages & now its time to chime in -

I think that what Matthew is trying to do is open up discussion...

I do not think that it was an attempt to bash one gender parent over the other.

So here is my answer to the question -

Children (male or female) need a positive MALE role model in their lives. This could be a male relative - uncle, older cousin, grandfather, godfather, long-time family friend. My daughter responds better to a male presence - my son would like someone to emulate... to date this has been my step-father - their gramps. He is there to participate in their lives when their fathers are not. Both their fathers are as active as they can be in their lives. I do not expect that someone will replace their fathers.

Yes I would relish the opportunity to have a partner in the rearing of my children - someone to help me when I am tired & don't feel like dealing with the fun & games that comes with raising spirited children. But I make certain that the next person introduced into their lives is healthy for them.

But in the mean time I raise them with a wonderful support system - Hillary quoted "It takes a village to raise a child" - I second that!

C
 redneckkountrygirl
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 47
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 4:05:15 PM
I agree with celticprinzess. It doesn't matter weither it's the father or the mother. As long as there is a female or male influence around. I have a 5 month old and his father isn't around but he has great uncles and 1 grandfather and 1 great grandfather and plenty of cousin and friends to help out when he needs a man around. He is never without. I'm a great mother. My son is better off without his bilogical father around anyway.
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 58
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 1:38:17 AM
As someone whose father died when I was fairly young, I can honestly say that no matter how good of a job my mother did raising us, she could not possibly have replaced my father and the lessons a father imparts to his son. As an adult, I came to realize just how much the lack of a male role model affected my choices in life.
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 59
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 2:13:34 AM
Maybe if there's no father figure, contact the Big Brother Society for a
cool guy for him. This society exists because it offers a valuable
need for your kids. Maybe it's not exactly a roll of a father but a male roll model can help guide your children - better than none at all.
 jroch914
Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 60
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 7:18:24 AM
Despite many father's efforts, Family COurt (wrong name for THAT Court), says no; BUT send money
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 63
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 12:33:37 PM
^ Disagree somewhat. Maybe the stepfather or adoptive father, but not the rest. A child needs to see this father figure or role model almost on a daily basis so that he can learn from how he deals with others, how he deals with his wife, how he deals with disageements, etc, etc.
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 65
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 5:17:36 PM
Whats with all these childless people responding? Isnt this the single parent's forum? huh?


Takes a village to raise our children? OR...victims of crime responding.

Besides, so many bad parents that shouldn't be parents, it couldn't hurt to
get advice from some level headed people rather than a bad parent.
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 67
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/7/2005 6:33:12 PM
^^^and please, you, do humanity a favour and stop breeding.

Verrrry constructive.
 MoBiBu
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 68
view profile
History
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 12:37:58 AM
@housekitten

>I find that it's better to be alone then in a destructive relationship

Why don't you mention the idea of fixing that relationship? Teach the kids to work out problems rather than run from them?

>I really feel if you are a good parent it doesnt matter

Who's the judge of that?
 MoBiBu
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 69
view profile
History
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 12:47:37 AM
Quoting mtndawn78:

"Studies have shown that children without father's do much better than those with no mothers... but I do suppose that children with BOTH do best of all. Considering the fact that the relationship between the parents isnt abusive or disfunctional. But how often does that happen? I mean REALLY...

I think children do better out of toxic relationships, regardless of WHO thier caretaker is,
as long as they have the love and nurturing care that they require.

Whats with all these childless people responding? Isnt this the single parent's forum? huh?"

^^^^^

What studies have YOU been reading?? The correlation between fatherlessness and crime is only one of many FACTS that are known and accepted by academia and those who really give a damn.

How about these ones:

In 1983, the US Department of Health and Human Services found that 60% of child abuse is inflicted by mothers with sole custody of their children. Almost all of the rest comes from other members of her entourage, especially boyfriends and second husbands.

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (U.S. Center for Disease Control);

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (U.S. Bureau of the Census);

80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978);

70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988);

85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992).

------

If you're going to go spout your liberal verbiage, BACK IT UP! The opinion of an obvious jaded individual isn't worth the select anecdotes it's based on. Oh, yes, very jaded: (ie. "...Considering the fact that the relationship between the parents isnt abusive or disfunctional. But how often does that happen? I mean REALLY...")
 Lazyboyz
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 70
Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/8/2005 12:52:37 AM
^^^ to her credit, many single mom's live in poverty with their
children because the fathers are dead-beat. Although it could
be argued that she PICKED the slime-ball.
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Do children need a father?