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 AUTHOR
 SICutie
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 3
open/dating/polyamory relationshipsPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
when you're just dating you're just dating.

open committed relationships make no sense to me adn are, in fact, a contradiction in terms
 single_stl_dad
Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 4
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 8:44:10 AM
"Slutty" is a term developed by men 100 years ago, to stigmatize their wives (or future wives) into remaining celibate..... so the women wouldn't know any better when they finally did have sex...... that their husband was a crappy lay and had a small pecker---lol.

It doesn't exist anymore.

Everyone that dates regularly is polyamourous to a degree.... Thats the way it should be.. at least to start out. Who wants to settle down with the first person you date?
 SICutie
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 5
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 8:45:47 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

yay!!!!!

i've been saying that for years
 SICutie
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 7
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 8:55:00 AM
open relationships just cannot work for me. i had a nasty bad experience in my former marriage. my husband cheated and before i knew it he asked for an open marriage. maybe to help clear his conscience.

so for the past 9 months or so i have been really wrestling with myself to get over being cheated on. trying to forgive him, her and him for asking for an open relationship. which, btw, he admits was a stupid thing to ask me.

everyday it gets easier and every day i like men again more and more.

to me, the potential pain isn't worth it but i'm trying to judge people less and less.

go easy on me :)
 Songblaze
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 10
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 9:00:05 AM
I think poly relationships are fine as long as everyone involved A) knows what is going on and B) wants that kind of a relationship.

Actually, I just ended up sort-of having this conversation with the guy I'm dating last night. I mentioned that a friend and I had...ah...an 'understanding' when I was single, and that said friend was in an open relationship. He rather awkwardly told me that he wasn't sure he was okay with that right now, but that he thought it might be something he could eventually handle...and it took me a moment to realize that he thought I still wanted to continue with my friend! We were both much happier when I told him I'm a one-person-at-a-time girl.

Personally, I don't like to share lovers or be shared by lovers, but I respect that there are people for whom that is a more comfortable and happy lifestyle.
 SICutie
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 11
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 9:01:41 AM
i think i'd still be scared to do that. i mean, for me personally, i like to think of the person i'm with as a partner and we're a team. kinda like us against the world i guess? i think letting someone else in would damage that bond.

i'm sure some people enjoy it very much and it can help them really explore their sexuality and in a way, i'm jealous of people who can be so free.

i think it would be hard to find two people who not only really like each other but are able to be that free with no hang-ups with it.
 single_stl_dad
Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 13
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 9:29:14 AM

dating weirds me out... i found myself dating a few men a while back and it seemed kind of hard on a few of them to not be my exclusive guy.


Sinnergirl.... chances are.. if the guys were that jealous.... they already had some insecurity issues before you met them. Those types are constantly hung up with "Is the other guy better than me?, more money? Bigger penis?"

Personally, if I really like the girl, then I'm going to make an extra effort to try to become the "only" guy. However, in the start of a relationship, I wouldn't expect to be the only guy.

Nor should she expect to be the only girl.

Thats why it's called "DATING".... otherwise, we'd all be married to the first person we went out with.
 Jessfromva
Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 15
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 9:50:04 AM

Personally, if I really like the girl, then I'm going to make an extra effort to try to become the "only" guy. However, in the start of a relationship, I wouldn't expect to be the only guy.

Nor should she expect to be the only girl.

Thats why it's called "DATING".... otherwise, we'd all be married to the first person we went out with.


Exactly how I feel. Personally I like picking which boy I want depending on my mood that night.
 SICutie
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 18
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 10:45:16 AM
[polygamy is a load of nonsense foisted off on males by controlling and manipulative females. This way their greed can be more easily satisfied cause she need not share the spoils with another female. (This is ONE way of looking at it...)


oh wow. i respectfully i have to disagree with that 100% and i am also assuming you mean monogamy
 fishbill
Joined: 3/19/2005
Msg: 20
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 6:25:46 PM
Polyamory works fine if you dont mind really screwed up people in your life.
 J to the D
Joined: 5/17/2005
Msg: 21
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/26/2005 6:46:56 PM
I don't mind hanging out and doing fun things with more then one woman if that's what you all consider dating then yep I'm all for it. I mean I like hanging out with fun women listening to music, laughing ya' know just having a good time.....

But as far as having sex with multiple women that's just not my style at this point in my life.... I mean I've already sowed my wild oates!!!! I don't go there unless there is something more then just physical yes the "E" word - emotions behind it.... I know, I know sounds like a crock.
 J to the D
Joined: 5/17/2005
Msg: 23
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/27/2005 7:06:00 AM
@ kwsingle^^^^^..... whew!!!! I thought I was an alien life form or something!!!
 poly_pal
Joined: 12/30/2004
Msg: 25
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open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/5/2005 5:33:01 PM
Sinnergirl,

You seem to be the only truly open minded person on this thread. There is a lot more to polyamory than has been touched on here. Poly thinking means accepting the truth about human behavior, not what we think that behavior should be. I can put you on to some great links if you are interested, some pretty good reading actually.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 27
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/5/2005 7:22:04 PM
If someone wants to practice polyamory, polyandry or polygyny, that's really up to each individual and the people they want to be with also have to make their own decisions about it; and if they're happy with it, I certainly don't have a problem with it.

For myself personally, when it comes to a personal relationship with a man, I've never been able to date more than one man at a time, let alone be dating several and be intimate with them. Just can't do it. If I'm going to get to that stage with someone, then that's who I want to be with and be doing that with, not someone else. I've been told by friends that I should just date a number of different people, then find the one that I really want to have an exclusive relationship with, and that's probably a good idea; but I know when I date someone if I want to see more of them, and if I don't then I can't continue to do so. I also know if I do want to see more of them, then I can't date anyone else, even if they're not ready to be exclusive with me yet.

Just dating, to me, is when you're beginning to know someone and you both want to see if you want to continue getting to know them. Webster's defines it as "a person with whom one has a usually romantic date; to make or have a date with; to go out on usually romantic dates"...works for me ;) Relationship is defined as "the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship; a specific instance or type of kinship; a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings; a romantic or passionate attachment"...that works for me too ;) So if I'm dating, it's not a romantic or passionate attachment...yet ;)
 poly_pal
Joined: 12/30/2004
Msg: 31
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open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/18/2005 11:50:30 PM
Sorry to take so long sinnergirl. Been busy trying not to lose my shirt in some hi-tech venture I am involved in.

Polyamory is a relationship style (and arguably style of living) involving the creation of "intimate networks" of friends, partners, and lovers. It is also referred to as "responsible non-monogamy". I don't know if that makes the status quo "irresponsible monogamy" (my words), but it seems to me that "serial monogamy" is very common and almost everyone on this site seems to have been a victim of it, or a party to, simply because people change or their relationship lacks something they need.

It is definitely not for everyone, but is really quite misunderstood. It also takes a lot of work and therefore requires pretty special and quite intelligent people to make it work.

Here are a few interesting links that you might find mind expanding. The first one is very good, the rest pretty good.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

http://www.polyamory.org/

http://www.sexuality.org/l/polyamor/polyfaq.html

http://www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm


PP
 Hockeygirl777
Joined: 7/25/2005
Msg: 32
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open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 1:12:33 AM
I personally don't believe in the rule that there is one person out there for everyone. I believe that not any one person has all the true qualities i'm looking for. I figure that if I can meet someone who has 80% of those qualities then the other 20% can be worked on during the relationship. I would never try to change someone, but you're never going to find that 100% and chances are if you do it's only for a short time.

As for dating,,,,, if you are dating then you can date whom you please when you want. The only time I would not date numerous people is if I have had the "exclusive" conversatin with someone... at that time i'd commit to that one person and see where it lead me.

 poly_pal
Joined: 12/30/2004
Msg: 33
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open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 4:46:15 PM
But if time spent in an activity or with a second close relationship with another person sends you home to your main squeeze a happier person, then maybe all parties benefit?

The expectation that one person can fulfill all of another's needs, especially as people change over time, is pretty unrealistic.

Marriage was started at a time when people got married at age 14 or 15, and life expectancy was age 30. Who could have foreseen that you would be "stuck" with the same person 30, 40, 50 or more years? (LOL)
 jessika2908
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 34
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 5:02:04 PM

I prefer one person at a time. I don't want to know what he's doing when we're not together and don't ask. That is pretty much where I am right now. If he is seeing others, all I can do is show him how much he means to me and hope that : 1) He chooses me solely or 2) Breaks things off with me to avoid hurting me.
I've never been in an open relationship by choice. This time I have "hooked back up" with a former lover who went his own way a few months ago. I'm thrilled to be back in his company and just don't want to know who else is in his life. Maybe I'm wearing blinders, but I prefer to see us as monogamos. I will stay that way with him as long as he shares my bed.


But in your profile you state that he or you want to have a threesome with another lady if it is alright with her. So how can you do this and still perfer only one person at a time? Plus your profile states that you want to meet another women to get to know and then anything goes between the sheets. So that would be you, your lover and this other women that hardly is one person at a time.

By the way my stand on this is....If it is a serious relationship please don't cheat on me, I would never do that do another person, but if it has just been a couple of dates and nothing serious just let me know that you are talking to other women and I will tell you if I talk to other men.

Cheers
 wandercoast
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 37
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:46:02 PM
I believe it is up to the individual(s) in the relationship. Back in the mid 90's I was in an open relationship. What it taught me is that I am monogamous. I had no desire to sleep with anyone other than my partner at the time. I guess I am just a monogamous person. At the same time I have known several people who are in polyamorous relationships and it suits them fine.

Its important to know what your boundaries are but to respect the choices of others providing they are consenting adults of course/
 fishbill
Joined: 3/19/2005
Msg: 39
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/24/2005 7:23:47 PM
My measurement of the integrity of a polyamourous relationship would be to see what their children are doing today. Have they finished school? Stayed off drugs and out of Jail? Maintened a clean house and ernest career? Perform community service? etc...


Of course, those standards are hard to acheive and obviously many hetero folks shouldnt be allowed to marry or have kids until they finish school, get a job, stay out of jail, and dont use XS drugs or alcohol.
 poly_pal
Joined: 12/30/2004
Msg: 40
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open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/25/2005 8:17:27 AM
Do you think that it would put less pressure on a person to find everything they "need" in a single partner?

I find that when you put down your psychological barriers to the idea, your capacity to love grows, and each new contact has potential to make you better for your other relationships.

I like the idea that you do not have necessarily have to end a relationship to explore a secondary option.
 poly_pal
Joined: 12/30/2004
Msg: 41
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open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/25/2005 8:19:56 AM
Right Fishbill. Since the failure rate for traditional relationships is 2 out of 3, I think they may be a major reason for many broken homes and kids.

Since poly relationships tend to advance the cause of love, positive growth and honest communication, I could see how they might risk seriously damaging future generations!
 dreamer3269
Joined: 2/19/2006
Msg: 44
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open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:53:34 PM
Thankyou sinnergirl for starting this thread, I believe that polyamory relations are more nateral then monogamous ones or there would not be so many people falling in love with others when they are not suposed to. I dont beleive that society in general is willing to accept polyamoly because they feel its wrong to love more than one person at a time. I would also like to thank polly_freind for the links she shared with us. keep spreading the love!!!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 47
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/24/2006 9:16:53 PM

Polyamory is a relationship style (and arguably style of living) involving the creation of "intimate networks" of friends, partners, and lovers. It is also referred to as "responsible non-monogamy". I don't know if that makes the status quo "irresponsible monogamy" (my words), but it seems to me that "serial monogamy" is very common and almost everyone on this site seems to have been a victim of it, or a party to, simply because people change or their relationship lacks something they need


Until about 8 years ago I would have been quite opposed to the concept of polyamorous anything. And then one day I realized something ~ who the hell am I to judge how others choose to manage their private lives? Poly is not (in my opinion) dating multiple people ~ true polyamorous relationships are committed relationships with more than one partner. I call dating multiple people frenzy dating (just to keep various relationship types separated.) It's unusually difficult for monogamous people to embrace this one small reality: not all people believe in monogamy. Unless one chooses to truly know and understand how/why some people choose a non-conventional lifestyle ~ they are basing their opinions on emotion rather than information. I have often laughed at myself because I am living a poly lifestyle ~ I'm just doing it one man at a time. I don't believe in forever for myself. I do want to believe it for others, but I don't lie to myself about me. I am not "forever" material. Maybe that is why I can understand poly lifestylers ~ it's a complex dynamic that is as individual as those who choose to live that way. I respect their honesty and I am often times amazed at the harmony that exists in those particular relationships. It's not how I would live ~ but I am not about to throw moralistic judgments at people who have created a life that is comfortable for them and their partner(s.) JMO
 Mick4astart
Joined: 8/14/2006
Msg: 53
open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 2/25/2008 1:03:41 PM
Hat's off to the Toronto Star, Canada's biggest circulation newspaper for picking up the "Washington Post's", full page article on the recent Poly Living Convention, covered extensively by the WP's staff writer, Monica Hesse.

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/305282

This is balanced, main-stream journalism addressing the whole concept of an alternative approach to marriage and relationships as they are evolving in today's world.

The Star may well attract some 'letters-to-the-editor' type flack from their more conservative readers, most of whom probably have difficulty trying to cope and wrap their minds around the whole concept of this alternative lifestyle .... But, at least the Star's editorial decision makers should be applauded and congratulated, for having the 'guts' to run this story in its entirity.

Spread the word - Poly Goes Main Stream!

M.
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