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If You Could Fix One Mistake Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I am a person with so many mistakes and regrets... but so few, I would ever want to correct.
cause my mistakes, always brought me to somewhere, I was happy to end up at.

however... there is one moment in my life, that no matter how much I try, it's the only regret that I wish I could change.

for about a year, there was a girl I persued.
Deanna.
she was impossible, cause she was beautiful, but incredibly independant...
she didn't want to date anyone, cause she knew, to most, she was a status symbol.
to me, I don't know what she was... but a trophy, no.
more like, a goal I had to try for.
at all cost.
when I began talking to her, she was difficult to know.
stand offish, distant, only friendly from a distance.
I knew that getting to know her, was not gonna be a simple task, and patience was key.
so I was patient. she knew from the day I said hello, that I wanted her.
not for sex, or anything so simple.
I felt something for her, that I cannot really put into words.
like a magnet to metal, or a fish to water...
something drew me to her.
when she was anywhere around, the world faded away, and I saw nothing other then her.
time faded away, words silenced, everything blurred from my sight, except her.
one of the only girls I ever met, that gave me butterflies in my stomach.

thing was... I could tell she was curious about me too.
it's a difficult thing to describe of how I knew...
maybe it's cause she didn't blow me off, like she did every other guy that flirted with her.
but thats too obvious.
it was more little things, like how she looked at me from across a room.
how she smiled silently, when she walked past me...
details, little details, so easy to overlook.

after months of making tiny bits of progress... I took too big of a step, and put her on the spot... which in turn, sent my house of cards tumbling down.
patience, was key I knew with this one.
but I got impatient, and in that moment, changed everything between us.
I didn't bluntly say anything stupid, or rush into to kiss her... or anything so careless.
I asked her, how she felt, about me.
seems dumb, but I think she expected me to just know, and I honestly did...
in my childish mind at the time, I think I just wanted to hear her say it.

from that moment, things were different between us.
the little flirting changed.
the looks across rooms, changed, to looking away.

this was a tough girl, to get to know.
I knew that.
but honestly, I loved that.
I loved the chase, the cat and mouse of it all.
when something so simple, like, getting her to open up alittle more in one day, more then yesterday, was enough to send me to heaven for a week...
there was just something so fun, about persuing her.

but I had ruined it.

so it seemed.
there was a period of about 2 weeks, when everything just stopped.
then one day, we walked past each other, and it was like the world was magnified by ten.
I could hear every footstep as she walked past me, every breath she had, the light movement of her dress as she walked away... I could hear it all, even though there was a million other sounds in that room that day.
those 3 seconds it took to walk past each other, lasted forever it seemed.
with life magnified... even when she was about 20 feet away from me, in a crowded room, I could hear her voice calmly say my name.
barely a whisper if you weren't paying attention...
but I heard it like it was a echo in the mountains.

for once, she called for me.
not the other way around.

I think them weeks, changed how she saw me.
cause when she called to me that day in that room.
I could see, she was ready to open up to me.
ready to see what would happen next.

it was exciting to walk away that day.
that 2 weeks of thinking I had ruined everything, somehow, paid off.
the impossible girl, was for once, letting her gaurd down.
everything changed that day... for the best.

we talked.
and talked.
and talked.
and talked.

it was exciting to be let into her little world.
if you thought I was cheesy saying, "when something so simple, like, getting her to open up alittle more in one day, more then yesterday, was enough to send me to heaven for a week..."

then you could not imagine how cheesy anything I could say, would possibly describe the next few weeks with her.

that effect she had on me, to make the world fade away, any time she did even the simplest thing, like smiling to me, from across a room... that never changed.
no girl, has ever had that effect on me, before... or since.
she was not perfect, but she was everything I would have asked for.

what happend??

I don't know...

I had a close friend then.
we spent the majority of our nights with each other, hanging out, joking around, playing and laughing, but as friends.
in a moment of carelessness.... I let her flirting get to me.
being an idiot, I was also enamoured with her beauty, even though she... did not have the same effect on me that deanna did....
this other girl, was fun, beautiful, smart... everything anyone could ask for from a girl.
but she always deserved better then me, cause in my heart, who I wanted... wasn't her.
we ended up together.
I am still not sure how that happend...
theres no "clear moment" of when that happend.

but in the back of my mind, I was dying cause I knew I lost something great with deanna.

deanna, never said a word.
never made me feel bad.
never told me what an idiot I was...
just tried to be my friend.
we drifted apart...
we had to really.
I then had a girlfriend, that I was starting to get serious with.
even though, in the back of my mind, she was not deanna... I became open to the idea, of really being with this other girl. slowly, we fell in love, and it was a real love, the kind that could have lasted a lifetime.
it almost did...
I made some very basic mistakes over the years her and I dated, and while not all is my fault, I do accept the majority of the blame on many of the larger issues we had.
this girl was amazing... a real angel, that I would have been proud to be with, from that day, till the day I died... even if she wasn't deanna, she didn't have to be... I loved her, and that was more then anything I could have ever asked for.
but this relationship some years later, self destructed under my own mistakes...

for years, I had to do anything I could to get deanna out of my mind.
whenever, I had even the smallest thought of her...
I would close my eyes, and start recieting the specs of cameras... so I could distract myself, from deanna...

sometime later, after that relationship blew up... and I left alaska...
I would come back to alaska to visit family from time to time.

one afternoon, years ago.
I saw deanna again, after so long...

nothing had changed.
after everything...
nothing had changed.
I could see it, in how she looked at me.
it was almost painful...
I wanted nothing more in this world, then to rewind time.
till when it all began, and just have stayed with her, another hour more, talking...
so I could take a right, instead of left.
one small moment, I know changed everything.

it was sad to leave alaska that trip.
it was the last time she would be in alaska.
she went her way, I went mine.
even though nothing changed, I knew, our paths at that point in our lives, were very different.

thats the only regret, I ever really carry.
all my other mistakes...
I actually don't mind.
sometimes in life, you may not get to where you wanna be, but where you end up, can be where you should have been anyways.... life is strange like that.
 Frrosty
Joined: 3/21/2004
Msg: 5
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 7:39:52 PM
jealousy.

^ earned while I was cheating on every girl I ever dated in highshcool. I never hurt one of them with this;............... because I was so smooth at hiding it. (<--the main part that got me between the eyes I think. sh*t)

Tell me kharma doesnt have sharp and accurate teeth and I might just punch you in the nose.

And to answer the second part of your question:

Kiley

We were so damned close to marrying. (University sweetheart who grew u where I grew up and used to watch me play hocker when I was...*cough* 10?) I moved from that town when I was 11.

Ya; that was pretty close to the soul of me...

for sure.
 nikki1152
Joined: 5/25/2005
Msg: 6
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 7:48:42 PM
I also have made many mistakes...but the one thing i wish i could go back and change, is the time i broke the trust my bf had for me.
 Frrosty
Joined: 3/21/2004
Msg: 9
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 7:54:13 PM
^^ Sorry.

For you too Bus; life sucks sometimes.

We deal
 jimi77
Joined: 7/13/2004
Msg: 11
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 7:56:42 PM
humm. i think to cover them all i would have to say life in general.. just one won't do it.
 E.Kyro
Joined: 10/3/2005
Msg: 12
view profile
History
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 8:00:51 PM
Griffin....wow. Like love269 I felt that whole experience. Similar to something I've been through. Thanks for telling it so well.
 Pandy
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 13
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 8:09:44 PM
My father was in the hospital in serious condition....he was unconcious and my sister and I were taking turns sitting with him (both of us with elementary aged kids at that time) and full time jobs besides. We were mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted when he finally "turned the corner". He regained conciousness and a couple days later was even up walking down the hallway. That night, he told me to go home....that it wasn't what he wanted for his grandchildren to be home alone with a sitter .....that I needed rest , and that he would be just fine alone for the night.

I left, and he died that night. I'd give anything to be able to go back in time and hold his hand in his last minute....or even just be in the same room with him.
 jimi77
Joined: 7/13/2004
Msg: 14
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 8:11:06 PM
^^^ awe....
 acesolak
Joined: 6/28/2005
Msg: 15
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 8:14:06 PM
Wow dude what a story. I kinda have a similar story but mine gets cut off where you talked to deanna a lot.. as in talked and talked and talked. I knew a girl back in college, that I felt similar to what you wrote about your encounter. In my case, I've got to know her just a little bit. Then just blowed it. Not that anything with her would have happened anyways. I was too immature for my age at the time.
I don't really think about her or anyone else really that much. My biggest mistake is not having one at this point. I have had opportunities, may be a couple, to form a relationship. It'd have been a learning experience. But I was somewhere else in my mind, I guess.

Now I'm 27, not too younger than you. I guess I always worried about my career. It didn't take off as I'd have wanted to be like right after college. Instead, 4 years later, I'm back in school now working on my masters so that this time my engineering career will take off. But again, with all the women around on campus, I'm still more worried about the career thing than anything else.

One thing different though is over the years, I've wised up and not so immature anymore.
I guess any serious relationship requires maturity on both sides.

Anyways, I ditto what you said in your profile. Quite comical stuff actually. Life often is.
Looking ahead, I'm trying to guess what I'll be thinking when I'm 37.

But I don't worry about the future anymore. It comes soon.

-Solak
 primetimejodi
Joined: 5/31/2005
Msg: 16
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 8:22:15 PM
I would have waited those few extra years for HIM
 always_striving
Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 17
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/7/2005 9:14:01 PM
My sarchastic attitude, I wish I didn't have this trait.
 DragonRider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 18
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 4:30:25 AM
I was planning on doing this is a title post, I may still do it. In all of the reading I've done, I've never heard or read anybody going through a similar situation.
If any of you had read some of my other post, I mention that I had a relationship that was a disaster.
There is a lot more information I could provide that I think this says it in a nutshell





This is the first time in over three years that I have been on a "romantic" message board setting. I had only stayed with either the religious or political settings.

Five years ago actually this month, I met someone online on a message board. For a few months we kind of talked to each other on the message board, finely e-mails, then messenger, the telephone and in December 2000, we decided we wanted to meet. She lived on the East Coast and I'm in Texas. She flew down to meet me in February of 2001.
I doubt I will ever forget the first time I saw her, it was incredible, she was the most intelligent, beautiful woman I had ever met and three weeks later, she flew down again, this time it was a one-way ticket. This was March 2001. the first year was a dream!
than something went wrong. (Now I know what, but at the time I was blindsided, nothing made sense) her behavior became increasingly belligerent, bazaar not sure if that is spelled correctly. She started stealing from her employer, I knew this, challenged her on it and it was like I was dealing with somebody completely different. She started becoming increasingly abusive and finally she threatened to kill my child. I had no choice, she had to go, I think you understand, you can threaten me but you cannot threaten the child.
This was may 2002.
I think you can understand that at this point, I had to protect my child. She finally moved out in the beginning of June. (She wasn't going to go back where she came from, she was going to stay here in this city) on June 10, she was arrested for stealing from her employer, my child had told the school counselor about her threats and on June 12, child protective services had started an investigation about abuse. On June 14 she wrecked her car on June 15 she sent me the most bizarre message I have ever read.
On the morning of June 16th, she walked out in front of traffic on the interstate and was struck by a car and killed.

It made a mess of my world.

But as I said, now I know what went wrong. And honestly I will probably feel guilty about this for the rest of my life but on a positive side, I will know I will pay a lot more attention.
Backing up to February 2002, everything was fine, we virtually had no problems. She had a few medical conditions, she was independent, wanted no sympathy and never really explained what was wrong and I never looked into it. She had a disease called fibromyalgia, if you don't know what it is, look it up. I should have. In February she had gone to a new doctor and he had changed her prescriptions. She took powerful painkillers and he had put her on a new drug to help her sleep and again, I never looked.in March, she was getting sick and had some testing done, I don't know what the word actually is, but it is where the tissues grow in the abdomen women have it. well she had suffered from this for years and they had found it had spread pretty extensively. She had had previous surgeries for this. So she was put on more drugs. I found out she had also been going to another doctor and getting prescriptions for amphetamines. I also found she was still using the previous prescriptions, she was double dosing. Looking into all of the stuff she was taking, the sleeping pills caused hallucinations.the painkillers, they have some adverse side effects also, could cause belligerent behavior, adding the amphetamines etc. etc..
Now it's like you can see a person drinking and in the evening go from a wonderful gentle person to a very bizarre aggressive abusive person.
With these drugs that she was taking, it was basically the same thing but it took a few months, the behavior change was gradual.

And I missed it!

Now I have come to terms with everything, and in all of the investigations, I learned many more things, she had a lot of problems, but these drugs allowed the demons to come out in full force.
Understand I am not looking for sympathy, have had enough of that.
A lot of her friends blamed me for everything happened, but it was not my fault. She had four children these were all adults now, at the time the youngest one was 20. They came down to get her stuff and basically they told me they were not blaming me for anything, it was just who their mother was.
I am basically getting back to my old self, the wounds have healed but the scars are still tender.


Now I understand completely that there is nothing I really could have done to change anything, but yet I do regret not being more involved in what was wrong with her.
People talk about wanting personal space, well this was something she considered her personal space and I gave it to her.
If I am involved with someone again, it will be very hard for me to give them personal space, I will want to know everything.
And I would want them to make me understand everything.
DragonRider
 CountIbli
Joined: 6/1/2005
Msg: 21
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 1:36:49 PM
If I could change one thing I change it all.
 sammysalt
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 22
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 10/8/2005 2:55:50 PM
Yea when I was pregant 20 years ago, I would of used lots of lotion to advoid S marks.
 Joie de vie-Joy of life
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 26
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/12/2007 11:16:00 PM
Sorry you had so much tragedy!. I must inform you and anyone else who reads your thread that Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue does not lead to suicide. I have several friends (former nurses, teachers, it affects more women than men although it is not hormonal) who have this illness to different degrees. It was not the disease but the over medications that brought such a tragic end. Any chronic pain treatment has to be monitored carefully. So, please, folks if someone close to you is diagnosed with this illness please ask how you can help? I admire you for raising your son and you sound so proud of him. All the best....
 desertwind
Joined: 5/25/2007
Msg: 27
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/12/2007 11:31:50 PM
3honestly i would never change one thing. it could be a small thing like something i said or whatever but something that small could have changed my whole life, at least thats what i believe. im fairly happy with the way things have turned out so far so again, i would change nothing.
 partofthequeue
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 28
view profile
History
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/12/2007 11:41:37 PM
I've thought about this question a few times before, and for whatever reason can never agree to change anything, just because everything because each mistake ends up being some sort of learning experience or it put you in a direction that you might not otherwise had gone had you done things differently. Besides that the point there isn't always a way of really knowing what the outcome of every choice, life is just not a set of dominoes its about as predictable as the weather.

We screw up for a variety of reasons, that if we learn from them properly make us better people for it. We're never the same people we are after a screw up, and its just a fantasy to think we can go back to a precise moment in time make a minor tweak and expect ourselves to think exactly the same, having only done a slight change. Everything that happens to us effects us in some way or another. If there wasn't a single screw up we had in life we'd never have a reason to want something else out of life and we'd just stay in the same rut for years at a time.

If anything I would have given myself chances for more screw ups.
 justmeandmax
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 29
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:24:18 AM

If you're going to change something from your past... make it something that would REALLY make things different.


Ever seen The Butterfly Effect with Ashton Krucher? I know it's just a movie but I also believe that the little choices we make lead us down a different path. Every decision is a crossroad that we chose to take, and by taking that path we change. It may just be a small change in the begining but will lead us in a different direction. I mean think about the little choice you made to have sex and ended up with a child because of it. Yes there are people that plan every pregnancy, but there are alot of us out there that it happened because we got horny. Wouldn't that be something that would make things really different???????

Me
 Engage-me
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 31
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:56:12 AM
Hmm', I wouldn't have married the calculating Chinese woman only init to get citizenship. No matter how great the sex was.
 Prissymae
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 32
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 6:58:59 AM
Griffin Seeking Sabine: Thankyew for sharing a part of your heart.

My main regret in life is that I haven't found the "love of my life". I always have fun & I'm considered the life of the party by some people but I want to be loved in that special way that only someone who truly cares for you and knows your heart can do.

I have never had that.
 tmotts
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 34
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 7:37:23 AM
Griffin loved your story, like others I felt the whole thing. Thanks for making me feel.

I would say my biggest regret was not being there when my mother died. The one day I missed, she decided to die.

Wanted to be with her, hold her hand, so she wouldn't be scared.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 35
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 7:45:20 AM
If I could fix one mistake it would be to have had a better relationship with my brother. He died 30 years ago in an accident. He was 18 and I was 16. Like typical siblings, we argued over all kinds of dumb stuff. He went out of town on Labor Day weekend after we had been arguing. Our mom made us give each other a hug and I'm grateful for that but I know our hearts weren't really in it. And I never saw him alive again. Not only do I regret that we were "too cool" to express our appreciation and love of one another, I think how it has impacted my interactions with others over the years has not always been as positive as one would have expected. Maybe it caused me to be a little too open sometimes (cuz I didn't want any more regrets like that) and that sometimes resulted in having my feelings hurt in return. Maybe I valued some people too much and hung on when I should have let go.
 Wolfie65
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 39
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 8:55:25 AM
I would have never 'settled down'.
The day I stopped traveling was the day I pretty much executed my love life.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 40
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:58:40 AM
I've made mistakes, but mostly no regrets. The only thing I would have done different was just out of school to have moved to New York.
 celebrtlife
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 41
If You Could Fix One Mistake
Posted: 9/13/2007 2:09:56 PM
Too many to mention. The only one I really regret is leaving my ex ( my childrens dad). Biggest mistake of my life. However, I have learned from all of them. Or, atleast I hope I have.
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