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 AUTHOR
 Acecomedian
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 23
My Joke Thread.Page 1 of 97    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
I find it very titillating
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 25
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2005 1:58:16 AM
Strange looking orange bra..3 posts above me.......

oh wait....Its Garf


OT......................

> My wife and I have the secret to making our marriage last:
> >
> > Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine some
> > good food and companionship.
> > She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
> >
> > We also sleep in separate beds.
> > Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
> >
> > I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
> >
> > I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere
> > I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
> > So I suggested the kitchen.
> >
> > We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
> >
> > She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and, electric bread
> > maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
> > down!"
> > So I bought her an electric chair.
> >
> > My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
> > the carburettor. I asked where the car was.
> > She told me, "In the lake."
> >
> > My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
> > She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
> >
> > She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
> > Then the mud fell off.
> >
> > She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
> > The driver said, "No, jump in!"
> >
> > Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
> > Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
> >
> > I married Miss Right.
> > I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> >
> > I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
> > I don't like to interrupt her.
> >
> > The last fight was my fault.
> > My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" ...I said, 'Dust!"
> >
> > In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
> > Then God created man and rested.
> > Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
> >
> > Why do men die before their wives?
> > Cause they want to.
> >
> >
>
>
 Acecomedian
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 29
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/8/2005 4:32:16 AM
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to
get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store
that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a
life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was
browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and
started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and
he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dic k."

"So what's this voodoo di ck?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box
carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f ucking deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo d ick, the door." The voodoo d ick rose out of
its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The
whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the
middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo d ick, go back in your
box!" The voodoo d ick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there
quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered
to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo d ick, my pus sy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo d ick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo d ick, my ****!" The
voodoo****shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out,
but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it
out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut
it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly
made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping
and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a
voodoo d ick was stuck in her p ussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, Voodoo
d ick my a ss!"
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 31
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/8/2005 6:58:07 PM
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he would buy
him a
$200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, “Johnny, we have
an $80,000
mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until
Christmas.” Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father
said,
“Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me
again some
other time.” Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out
of the
house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why
he was
leaving. The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I
heard you
say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait
because she
was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 33
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/10/2005 12:59:58 AM
Actually



This.......................
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.


Is caused by this...........
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

Guys we need to focus on the task at hand....no banter in the urinal



 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 37
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/14/2005 5:37:58 PM
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom as his pregnent mom is getting into the shower. Johnny notices some pubic hair between his mom's legs and asks "hey mom, what's that". As his mom looks around the bathroom, she replies "that's my washcloth". two weeks later, after his mom had delivered her new baby, Johnny again walks into the bathroom and notices that his mom had been shaved. Johnny asks his mom "what happened to your washcloth"? his mom answers, "i lost it when i had your brother". Later that night, Johnny comes storming into the nursury and says "mom, i found your washcloth, and the maid is washing daddys face with it".
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 38
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/14/2005 5:47:27 PM
Subject: Harley Davidson
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a
minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St.Peter took Arthur to
the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't
you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 39
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/15/2005 7:01:49 AM
a midget gets onto an elevator and the man behind him says " 7 foot 3, 365 lbs, 17 inch penis, 3 lb right ball, 3 lb left ball Turner Brown". the midget faints. the big man revives the midget and the midget says, "what did you say"? the big man says " 7 foot 3, 365 lbs, 17 inch penis, 3 lb right ball, 3 lb left ball my name is Turner Brown". the midget says, "thank God, I though you said turn around".
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 41
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/15/2005 8:32:36 AM
a preacher skips sunday services to go bear hunting. as he turns a corner to enter the forest, the preacher slips and falls into a rock canyon. his gun goes one way and he falls the other. the preacher notices that he has broken both of his legs. at this time, the preacher sees a large bear walking towards him. the preacher begins to pray "dear lord please forgive me for skipping services today to come hunting. i only ask one thing at this time, lord. please make a christian out of that bear that is coming towards me". at that instant, the bear drops to his knees and starts to pray, " dear lord, thank you for the food i'm about to eat".
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 42
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/16/2005 2:38:28 PM
little johnny is at school one day when he sees his fathers car drive into the woods. johnny becomes curious, and walks over to the car. when johnny gets home from school, he begins to tell his mom the story. i saw daddys car go into the woods with aunt jane in it. when i walked over to it, i saw daddy kiss aunt jane. then he helped her take off her skirt, and aunt jane helped daddy take off his pants. just then his mom said, wait johnny i would like you to tell this story at the dinner table, that way i can see your fathers face. later, at the dinner table, mom asks johnny to tell his story. johnny begins with, i saw daddys car go into the woods with aunt jane in it. when i walked over to it, daddy kissed aunt jane. then daddy helped her take off her skirt, and aunt jane helped daddy take off his pants. then they started doing what mommy and uncle bill used to do when daddy was in the army.

moral - listen to the whole story, before you interupt.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 45
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/17/2005 7:22:41 AM
Brazen, love the new pic.


A couple is out working in the yard when the wife desides shes finished, and goes into the house to shower. A few minutes later, the husband is looking for the rake that his wife was using earlier. He yells up to his wife in the window, but she makes a motion that she can not her him. the man then motions back to his wife - pointing at his eye, touching his knee and making a raking motion. (i need the rake) his wife sees this and motions back by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her a$$ and rubbing her crotch.
(eye, left tit, behind, the bush)
 afn33282
Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 46
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/17/2005 10:01:51 AM
Q: What is the difference between a Lamborghini Diablo and a dead baby?

A: I do not have a Lamborghini Diablo in my garage.
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 48
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/17/2005 10:25:07 PM
> Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
> > accidentally
> > > ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out
> of
> > > his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distaught. The
whole
> > > world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
> > >
> > > Suddenly be noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
> > > polished it and immdiately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from
> > > thousands of years of impriusonment," said the genie. "As a reward I
> > shall
> > > grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the
material
> > > things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the
> > > splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog
> > back
> > > to life for me?" Prince Charles asked. The genie carefully looked at
> the
> > > remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to
> > > bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
> > >
> > > Prince Charles thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled
> > > out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,"
> > said
> > > the Prince, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this
> woman
> > > called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see
> > > Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla
as
> > > beautiful as Diana?"
> > >
> > > The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
> > "Let's have a look at that dog again."
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 52
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/18/2005 11:19:55 AM
i hope that when i die, i die like my father did, peaceful and in his sleep and not like all the other people in the car.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 57
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 5:54:41 PM
brazen, what did i say? i'm NEVER serious!
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 58
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 6:49:05 PM
A man goes into the hospital for tests. The last one leaves his stomach very upset. He makes several false alarm trips to the bathroom, and when he feels it coming on again, he stays put. This time he has diarhia, and it gets all over the sheets. The man, not wanting to be embaraced, takes the sheets off the bed and throws them out the window. A drunk, who is walking past the hospital, has the sheets fall on top of him. He starts cursing and flailing his hands wildly until the sheets are a tangled mess on the ground. At this time a policeman, who had watched the whole thing, walks over and asks, what happened here? The drunk says, I don't know, but I think I just beat the $hit out of a ghost!
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 59
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/19/2005 7:29:56 PM
A man dies and goes to heaven, and is met at the pearly gates by St Peter. Peter says, 'Welcome to heaven. Go ahead and look around while I process your paperwork, and if you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them.' The man has a look around, likes what he sees. He sees famous celebreties, people he has known, family members that have passed on also. He is having a great time observing all of the goings on. When he makes it back to Peter, he says, "I only have one question. As I was wandering around, I noticed a man with a stethescope". "If there is no sickness or pain in heaven, why do we need a Doctor?" St Peter says, "That's not a Doctor, that's God. He sometimes likes to pretend he's a Doctor".
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 62
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 6:12:25 PM
WHAT IS MARRIAGE ? (humour)
> >>
> >>1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
> >>
> >>2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution
> >>for the blind.
> >>
> >>3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree
> >>and the woman gets her masters.
> >>
> >>4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and
> >>suffering.
> >>
> >>5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
> >> In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
> >> In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
> >> In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
> >> You order what you want, and when you see what the other person
> has,you
> >> wish you had ordered that instead.
> >>
> >>7. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
> >> Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
> >>
> >>8. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't
know
> >> his wife until he marries her.
> >> Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
> >>
> >>9. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
> >>
> >>10. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,it is
> >> love; after marriage it is self-defense.
> >>
> >>11. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a
10-year
> >> married man looks happy, we wonder why.
> >>
> >>12. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in
> >>Europe.
> >>
> >>13. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They
> just
> >> can't face each other, but still they stay together.
> >>
> >>14. Before marriage , a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After the
> >>marriage he "Y" becomes silent.
> >>
> >>15. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only
> >>seems longer.
> >>
> >>16. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of
> >> one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 63
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 6:29:17 PM
@brazen
appology accepted. now get ready for your spanking!

this couple gets married and are spending their first night in bed together. it was very tense, as each laid in bed looking straight ahead. finally, the woman brakes the ice and says, if you ever want to have sex with me, pull on my tit 1 time and if you don't want to have sex with me, pull on my tit 2 times. the man looks at her and says o.k., but if you ever want to have sex with me, pull on my d1ck 1 time and if you don't want to have sex with me, pull on my d1ck 125 times.
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 64
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 7:31:27 PM
This just in from the CDC (Center for Disease Control):

Symptoms of the Bird Flu

Fever
Achiness
Chills
Vomiting
The undeniable urge to sh!t on someone's windsheild
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 65
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/20/2005 8:07:16 PM
If you wake up in the morning and find mucus seeping out of your "bird"

dont panic its not bird flu........


Just a wet dream
 dc64
Joined: 11/15/2005
Msg: 67
view profile
History
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 4:56:39 PM
This is a great thread!



An old man comes in from a hard day at work and finds his way to his favorite chair.
His old wife who is sitting in her chair gets up, walks over to him and slaps the sh.it out
of him. "What's that for", he asks rubbing his cheek. " That's for 40 years of lousy sex" she
says.

She walks back over to her chair. He sits there and thinks about it for a minute. He then gets up, walks over to her and slaps the living sh.it out of her. "What's that for, she asks.
He says "That's for knowing the difference".
 carribeanking7
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 68
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 6:50:23 PM
5 Kinds of Sex:

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room.....
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 70
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/21/2005 7:40:02 PM
Brazen, change that picture, PLEASE. we want to see boobie.
 shadowoftheraven
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 76
Damn tractor.
Posted: 11/23/2005 8:00:19 AM
Brazen - I understand. Damn porndogs!

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5,, was married for 5 years, has 5 kids and makes exactly $55,555.55 a year - and his lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend, at 5 PM who tells him that a horse named Lucky 5 is running in the fifth race at the local track that night. The man goes to the bank and withdrawls $5,555 and bets it on number 5.

AMAZINGLY...............................the horse finishes 5th.
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