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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 2
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back homePage 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Time to draft and send her a separation agreement and stop calling
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 3
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 7:30:40 AM
I was always accusing her of cheating and calleing her names like '' fat'' ''lazy'' and other hurtful things, i Apologized for everything I said to her, she said '' i can forgive, but i cant forget''


I wonder if you've faced up to the actual term yet, but what you were doing was abusing her. Emotional and mental abuse are often far worse than physical abuse. The scars remain much longer.

From the point of view of someone who has been emotionally abused in a relationship for a long period of time, no, you never forget. Whenever you look at that persons face, you remember every hurtful thing they've ever said. Your self esteem suffers, your confidence, the person you ultimately are.

You apologizing doesn't change a thing at this point. Sorry is just a word. It doesnt change the damage you've done.

You're recognized the problems, which is great. Now let her go and hope she finds happiness with someone who won't make her feel the way you did, and learn from your mistakes not to treat the next person the same way.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 5
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 7:36:37 AM
Now you know better and will keep your mouth shut with the next lady
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 6
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 7:40:34 AM

why would i want to do that? i want her back


What you want at this point is unimportant. She wants to live a life without abuse. You saying it won't happen again means nothing. Have you taken steps to assure that it doesn't? Have you attended counselling, or spoken to a therepist? How about anger management?

And even IF you have ... all it means is you'll know a little better for next time. I applaud her for having the strength to walk away and want something better for herself. If you truly care about her, leave her alone now. You've done enough.
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 9
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 7:53:12 AM
You can't, and who says you've changed?

It's only been a month, it takes a lot longer than that to earn trust back. You need to work on yourself an awful lot before you involve anyone in your life. Abusers aren't reformed in one month just because they lost something they want. You need to work out your OWN issues. Get a counsellor .... seriously.

As for her trusting you, she may NEVER trust you again, and that is her right. And she will never forget every hurtful thing you've ever said to her.

Accept the fact that its over, and work on yourself now.
 passionteman
Joined: 3/7/2005
Msg: 10
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 7:59:09 AM
Stop taking drugs, drinking excessively and change your behaviour towards women. Women are so delicate. Just like rose flowers. You aggressively touch them, it hurts. You touch it gently, it feels good. :)
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 11
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 7:59:25 AM
My help to him was simple ... seek counselling and leave her alone. He's under the impression that he can say "I've changed" and that should be enough. What I was trying to get across to him was that you can say it to til the end of time, but you haven't done anything to prove it. He hasn't obtained help yet, and that should be the first step. And time ... lots of it. And, to try to get him to understand that its not as black and white as he would like it to be .... you can't just say "I'm sorry" and have her forgive everything and come back. An apology after that type of abuse means nothing. You can force someone to love you. She chose to leave, that's her choice.

Not to mention, he's so intent on getting his wife back after one month of seperation, yet he's on here looking for "fun" and dating?
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 16
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 8:16:39 AM
Even if you think you were justified in accusing her of cheating, how do you justify calling her fat or lazy?

Do you think its possible that she was often going out to escape the situation with you?

I know in my own situation, towards the end of it, I was home as little as possible. I couldn't stand being near him ... because to be near him was to either be called down or to be reminded of the times he did call me down.

There is no justification for the things that you did. All you can do now is work on yourself. Get a therepist as quickly as you can, and leave her alone.
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 17
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 8:18:54 AM

Ok, you are telling me....you were blistfully happy for 12 years...and then BOOM, all of a sudden you started calling her names and accusing her of cheating??????


Exactly ... well said. Abusive behaviors don't just popup overnight. They are part of who you are ... and have always been there, in one form or another.
 cuter_than_anyone
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 18
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 8:56:17 AM
you sound extremely selfish to me. you abuse her for years, then when she leaves you constantly call her and make things even tougher for her

she won't come back until you can show her you do actually love her. to me, it sounds like you don't you're just trying to get what you want

and here you are on a dating site looking for "someone to have fun with"

face it, you're a selfish pig. let the woman you claim to love do better than you
 WING-NUT
Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 19
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 8:56:49 AM
You verbally and mentally abused her...Might as well have hit her with your fist, not much different...Usually if one is accused of screwing around all the time and they haven't done so then they more than likely will do it..
Call a marriage councelor seet an appointment send her a card and tell her how stupid you were and that you are scum of the earth and want to work things out, inclose the card of the councelor post the date of the appointment and keep it
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 21
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History
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 9:33:30 AM
Seeking professional help might make her reconsider. Actions indeed more often than not speak louder than words.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 27
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History
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 12:10:44 PM
Now, I don't know the situation ... but what if she is fat and lazy?
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 32
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History
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 12:42:43 PM
Carol,
Why bother?
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 34
view profile
History
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 12:50:27 PM
Exactly, Carol. There’s a few things you can’t do in life: You can’t live forever, you can’t coach speed or height and you can’t fix stupid.

To the OP ... dude, just let it go. If she’s going to come back it will be a decision she will make for herself. The more you push her, the further away she will get. She needs space and time. Give her that. If it doesn’t work, so be it. You can’t make someone do anything. If she loves you, she may come back.
 jamesxxx71
Joined: 4/6/2005
Msg: 36
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 12:59:18 PM
If I was her, I would not come back either. You see, she's been taking the abuse for some time, long or short, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you did not treat her right and that she remembers. All the excuses in the world will not make her forget the abuse. When you apologize and say you'll treat her like a queen, a little bell rings in her brain saying yeah right, for how long. You see, she doesn't beleive you and she isn't ready to endure such a treatment again, and good for her. Chances are that you got all the pretty talk out to bring her back. Next thing you know you'll be disrepecting her again, and that she knows... One thing would be to stop harassing her every single day too.
 stilllookingforyou2
Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 41
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/18/2005 3:49:58 PM
You title made feel like telling you $##%&^& But,I felt like this before, and tried all I could as well. I'm afraid that as hard as it will be, you'll have to move on. In 6 months, may be a year, you'll see that it happened for a good reason. For now, just be strong, and leave her alone. You're gonna drive her further away...
 Tinkle
Joined: 11/2/2005
Msg: 47
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/19/2005 8:14:22 AM
""www.exback.com""


OMG. That is the biggest piece of crap I've ever seen. Cool. How'd you find it?
 Sniper308
Joined: 10/21/2004
Msg: 48
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/19/2005 8:25:23 AM
"YOU" f**ked up. It's over. Toast. His-to-ry. Look in the mirror, say "You blew it," and move on. Your concern at this point is misplaced; you shouldn't be focusing on getting that fat, lazy b**tch back, you should be focused on getting your s**t together and dealing with tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month, next year, and so on. Accept YOUR failure, make adjustments in YOUR life, and prepare for the coming days.
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 49
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/19/2005 11:22:18 PM

To crucify this man without all the facts presented is truly irresponsible and causes all of us to be blindly chauvanistic


You've made it painfully obvious that you don't agree with what the women here are posting, but the common points everyone has made can't be refuted in a situation like this.

Abusers need help. Its not something they DO, its part of who they are ... and it CAN be helped, if they seek out the help. He needs therepy, anger management, and any other course he can get himself into in order to learn to control his temper. He keeps saying that he'll do anything to get her back, yet he stubbornly sticks to all the wrong methods of doing so. Constantly calling her when she's asked him not to is called harrassment. Restraining orders are based on less when it comes to domestic situations.

Only when he fixes the issues in himself should he involve ANY other person in his life. Otherwise, the cycle will just continue.

And before you throw the Dr. Phil and Oprah thing again, I don't watch tv ... I know the cycles and I know the situations from first hand experience, and from councelling and support at womens crisis shelters, which I've been doing for 8 years.

As for the chauvinism involved, there is none. My comments were based solely on the fact that he admitted straight out what he did, and its hard to downplay flat out abuse. There is no justification for it, no excuse or rationalization. Noone deserves to be treated that way, male or female.

Please, for her sake and your own, just leave her alone until you get help. REAL help .. councelling. Something like this takes time. If you are adamant about changing and REALLY honestly believe that you can, then councelling is almost guaranteed to be a success for you. But for everyones sake, especially your childrens, don't compound the situation and make it worse by assuming you can just "change" with no outside influence whatsoever, and by assuming that one month is enough time. It just isn't. Prove to her you can be a better person by improving yourself, and she may reconsider. If she doesn't, as is her right, if she just can't get past the previous abuse, then at least you've improved who you are and made yourself a better role model for your children.

One last thing ... being a role model for your children, may this statistic frighten you a little just to get you into action.

6/10 boys who's fathers are abusive will end up abusing their own partners later in life.
8/10 girls who's fathers are abusive will end up with men who abuse them.

Do you want that for your children?
 sleepless_in_Newmarket
Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 50
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/19/2005 11:42:40 PM
To the OP, don't come on POF asking a bunch of women what you should do. They have been abused themselves, are scarred, and thus already got it in for you, even though they don't know the facts of your particular case - only of their particular cases. So naturally, they want you to go away and never see your wife again.

But the point of your thread was to ask what YOU can do to get your wife BACK. You didn't ask if you deserve to have her back. Which is the issue they want you to focus on.

So as to your question? I dunno. I have never been married, so I have never lost a wife. So my only advice is to BE NICE and see if she bites. Your behaviour afterwards will have to BE NICE to keep her. That is a given.

IF someone is lazy, then call them that. If someone is fat, well that one is obvious so you shouldn't need to say it. There are mirrors in the house. If she is cheating on you, get the evidence before you accuse.
 Synical
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 51
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 12:14:55 AM
Do you honestly want to tell me that we do not subconciously know what situations we place ourselves in?


Oh quite possibly, but since our subconcious and concious self very seldom communicate, I don't see how someone can take the personal blame for that one. Now if the person recognizes the abusive character traits from the beginning and still pursues a relationship with the abuser, different story altogether.

As for taking responsibility for your own actions, I think you'll find that most do. Most of the women I support blame themselves to an UN-healthy degree, as I did when I was in that situation. And the councellors told me the same thing I have to tell them now. That abusers come from all walks of life, and they often don't display any abusive or controlling characteristics until after the net is firmly in place, whether its marriage, or children, etc. No, people shouldn't take responsibility for something they couldn't have known without posessing psychic ability.

As for the personal responsibility of remaining in the relationship, that involves the long drawn out discussion about feeling helpless, alone, trapped, etc ... or having children involved, etc. There are a thousand reasons. MOST people do eventually find a way out of the relationship, and MOST of them take responsibility for keeping themselves in the position as long as they did.

The simple fact of the matter is ... whether the victim should take responsibility or not actually has nothing to do with it at this point. There is never a reason or justification for abuse, in any form. The victim recocgnizing their responsibility does not eleviate the abuser of his.


Someone on here mentioned something to the effect of him 'dont taint another princess'


If this was meant in the context of, if he doesn't receive the proper councelling and help before involving himself in another relationship, the cycle will continue and he will more than likely abuse the next one as well, I complely agree.


But to place all of the blame on this one individual is outlandish..


When in a discussion about how he can get his wife back after abusing her, to blame anyone else is outlandish. This one individual has not only admitted to emotionally abusing his wife, but he's done it in front of minor children for a number of years. There is no justification, no reason whatsoever to NOT place the blame on him. I'm sorry you think otherwise, but a victim is just that, a victim. I doubt she wandered into that marriage with prior knowledge that she would be abused. Subconcious knowledge does not constitute awareness of the situation.


was she verbally abused as a child?..If so, then she certainly had a tendency to place herself into positions like this in the future..This guy had absolutely nothing to do with that part in this case


Which has nothing to do with it. Yes, it would explain how she subconciously placed herself in that situation, based on a past history ... it still doesn't eleviate his responsibility or have any bearing on the current situation.


I understand where you're coming from on most of your points and in MOST situations I'd agree with you .... I'm the type that believes everyone should take responsibility for their own actions, and I'm a bit of a control freak about myself in general .. the situations I allow myself to be in and so on. And this is meant in the nicest way possible .. I just don't think you're being fair to people (not women ... people ... men AND women ... men suffer the same issues as women in regards to abuse, but rarely speak up about it) who have been victimized.

Yes, people place themselves in situations like this, for one reason or another, and if they analyze it later, can usually figure out what led them there. This does not mean they should be blamed for the unfair or abusive actions of another person. Only the abuser should take the responsibility for that.
 Tinkle
Joined: 11/2/2005
Msg: 53
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 7:58:52 AM
tell her you won the lottery. I don't know how to keep her though:(
 dceeeee
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 54
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 9:30:31 AM
@ madscribbler....WOW! I have never in all my 56 years, heard a man who had it together as much as you do!! I fully expected to look at your profile and expect your profession to be "Therapist" or something of the sort...what a surprise to find that it wasn't, but also to find that all this knowledge came to you in only 31 years!!! I'm totally blown away!

I had planned to read all through this, before adding any comments, but when I read your comment, I had to read this before going any further.

It'll be a lucky girl who lands you when you are ready for it, and I'm sure yours will be a "death till us part" relationship. Good luck to you in your search!

If he doesn't read any other responses, I sure hope he reads yours. You've put it in a way that makes it easy for a man to relate to. I also was in his wife's shoes in the past, and I wish someone would've said this all to him. The fact that he hasn't been served papers yet, shows that he isn't beyond hope...if he plays his cards right and follows the advice he's getting here. The fact that she left the kids with him doesn't say much for her...I would've NEVER done that!! (My abuse included physical, though)
 dceeeee
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 55
What words can i use or say to bring my wife back home
Posted: 11/20/2005 10:00:10 AM
Madscribbler is post #55...sorry about that....
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