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 SoCal1972
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 1
So, am I dead in the water?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Yes, I am a single dad.

My GF of 4 years has basicaly run like hell when he came to live with me so now I am single again. I have talked with my son with regards to the fact I intend to date but dont want him getting involved or most importaintly hurt (he was very close to my ex GF).

So now, Im checking this thing out, and sware that I must have cooties or something. Am I doing something wrong, or am I unrealistic about dating with my son in the picure unless its a gal with kids of her own and I am willing to merge families? I dont think im ugly, or uninteresting, but godd*mn. Its nice to know when a posts get deleted, but geez. And yes, my posts are pretty normal, usually a 'hi, read your info bla bla...'

And yes, this is all new to me to a degree. My 8 year old came to live with me a few months back, after multiple attempts to help is mom and step-dad failed. Im really grappling with all of this, and frankly its a sucky time of the year to be alone (whine whine) as he is back with his other family for the month of december. He is time consuming so I feel like I have to the end of the month to make some contacts, so maybe I am just pushing myself too hard. Advice, encouragement, anything?
 ramcharger
Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 2
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 4:44:47 PM
It gets better man, Really!1 I have been on my own with mine for four years now and I really love it, yup there are loneley times and all the other miseries, but hell I had those when I was single anyway. Now I have a wealth of hugs and kisses and I dont have to send flowers....okay I still have to buy dinner and toys :)
Just relax a little and give you and your man time to figure each other out a little, the one thing a woman cant stand to see is a guy that is happy, it creeps em out and they have to step in and screw it up, as for the chick that left, your better off!!
It will be good , just give it time!!
 BonnieB
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 3
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 6:20:14 PM
Social, you are not dead in the water unless you are wanting to live the free and single lifestyle. With a child you can't.. get over it... but there are alternatives.

You know, I'm reasonably new to these forums.. but this topic seems to come up a lot.. and I really wonder why it seems like men seem think that being a single parent is more difficult for them than it is for women? And yes, I know there are exceptions Ramcharger... but it still makes me laugh. Your successes in your single status are determined by you.. not your child.

Single parenthood is not a bad thing and it's not that difficult either once you get into the swing of it. And it could potentially work to your advantage once you get your head out of the 'single' thought process and get into the 'single with kids' process. You will find that there are LOTS of women who'd love to find a guy who loves his kids. Keep in mind that most women are fairly emotionally driven and that a man who has the capacity to unselfishly love his kids is a HUGE turn-on for many women. Even if they are scared to death to take on more kids.. they will often still be attracted to it.

And Ram's right in that you are better off without the bolter.... if she has that little character, it's better that she bolt now rather than later. Unless your kid is the child from hell.. any woman who truly cares about you would never bolt.

Just my two cents worth..
 casperlcaf
Joined: 12/23/2003
Msg: 4
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 6:45:39 PM
I hear ya and know where your coming from. And its not that we think single dads have it harder than moms no one said that. But I know what he keeps running across just like a woman with kids does.
Hi my name is so and so, btw I have a kid(s) and thats the anchor, the last you hear from that person.
What most people dont realize, its just as rough for a single dad to find someone as it is with a mom.
But remember you are competing on these sites with other guys and Im sure most women here get alot of email so your at a greater disadvantage with kids.
My suggestion to you is keep trying here but your best bet is net working. Volunteer as cheesy as it sounds it works. Volunteer for habitat for humanity, church functions if you belong to one, Schools always look for Volunteers, there you can meet other single parents,
and just about every community (even my little town of 1700) has singles nights, check your local paper.
This site is great but not your only resource.
I take my hat off to you and any other parent, I know your pain all to well. Been a yr and a half for me. But there is someone out there for you dont stop trying.
 ramcharger
Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 5
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 7:29:28 PM
Bravo Bonnie B!

And Casper you hit it on the head too.

The thing I like about this site is that we can all share and learn from each other and thanks to the admin and santas kewtie for gettin us our own space course she is not santaskewtie anymore but she gets a gold star from me!!
There is life out there :) and there are a bunch of us singleparents too. Its nice to have a haven to vent in and learn.
 SoCal1972
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 6
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 7:36:35 PM
Wow.

So I need to turn my attention to moms now? I dont know if I can make that jump. 4 years with a LA celeb to domesticism? Never mind the fact I dont want to hurt anyones kids and Ill be d*mned if I let mine get hurt, but in my opinion a relaionship takes years to build to a point where I put faith in it.

Guess I have a lot to learn and a lot more to change, or just find other avenues for my need for companionship. No clue what those would be.

Maybe ill just be bitter and crotchety.

Well, thanks for the advice, even though it may not be what I want to hear.
 ramcharger
Joined: 6/5/2004
Msg: 7
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 8:12:04 PM
Come on, its what you make it. Dont sweat the small stuff. I dated rather high up on the food chain but honetley I really like my life now. I made it simple and I keep it that way. I sleep good at night and my kids love me, it doesnt get much better than that
 BonnieB
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 8
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 4:55:15 AM
Yna6... It does not sound like he wants a woman who likes kids.. lol

Social.. no you do not have to "turn your attention to moms" now... Geez you are narrow minded. But Yna is right in that men with kids are more likely to attract women who like kids... whether they have any of their own or not. I, for example have had two long-term relationships.. 6 yrs and 16 yrs.. with men who were single fathers when I had no kids of my own.

But you are absolutely right.. unfortunately there is no place for the selfish lifestyle when you are a full-time parent. I'd suggest you come to terms with it or let your son live with someone who wants him full-time.

Sorry if I sound harsh.. but as a parent who would never, ever take back my "free" life over the one I have now, I have little sympathy for a man who is so lucky as to get full-time custody of his son and can't appreciate the joy of it.

BonnieB
 dawson04
Joined: 2/1/2004
Msg: 9
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 5:11:05 AM
being a single parents is hard. but one thing that help me get through was knowing that this child who is mine, depends on me for its future, and life. that remains still. don't get down life will get better. good luck
 SoCal1972
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 10
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 8:40:11 AM
B

I think you might be confusing protectiveness for selfishness. I mean. Ya its great someone likes my kid, but he has a mom, and dosnt need another one. He has had to deal with too much stress with the games his mom played and the fights there, to consider letting someone get close to him raises every red flag. Yeah, I am met a mom or two, and the push to get to know her kids can border on irresponsible. Why do that to a child when you have known me for all of 2 weeks?

I think letting someone into my life is one thing. My heart, my drama if it dosnt work out. How to you do that with your kid? Hence the delima. I have both the new situation with my son, and the new situation of being single. I want to date but am seeing a lot of girls run away at the news. I am leery about anyone who wants to be around my son, conversely, because i dont want him getting hurt.

Selfish? Perhaps.
 BonnieB
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 11
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 9:31:39 AM
Social..
Sorry.. I guess I was not very clear.
I was not, in any way suggesting that that your son needed to meet every woman that you date. Only that he is a consideration in your thought process when choosing the types of women that might be appropriote for your new lifestyle.
 casperlcaf
Joined: 12/23/2003
Msg: 12
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 11:27:50 AM
"be honest in what your seeking and keep the child/ren out of the picture until both parties are sure of where its headed, no I am not saying hide the fact that you have children but keep them at a safe distance for the time being."

This is good osound advice and works. If the children are old enough you may want to open a two way communication with them. Get there feelings and feed back since a relationship impacts more than one life.
No you dont have to date moms, but isnt that a double standard if you just over look them?
Its a fine line for sure with kids but like everything in life its all trial and error.

And nextou, been there with a woman saying she didnt want a ready made family. Haveing older kids doesnt attract women either, maybe if you are still pushing them in strollers.
Ive even seen ads where they have kids but dont want any more again double standard.
For women though with kids its just as tough, since they dont know if the guy is there for a quicky or will it last. Some guys still think women with kids are easy, so they have to be on guard.
 SoCal1972
Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 13
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 11:38:09 AM
Hmmm.

Good feedback. At least i know I am not experienceing anything new, even if it is unpleasant.

Yes, it is a double standard, but really I dont want to mess with anyone elses kids any more than I want my own messed with. Its a lot of risk. I suppose that is why my GF ran in the first place, so I sort of understand it.

So, first question, is how long do you guys keep things seperate? I dont want a insta family either. Frankly, I think it takes years to really be sure the relationship is secure (and even then things can go south), but what is a good guideline to mixing child and lover? When is a good timeline? I have met gals that really started pressuring me to get involved with their kids in less than 2 weeks. YOW!

Next question, do you think it is possible to keep kids and dating seperate entirely? Anyone tried this?

Final, do you think it would help to state on your profile you dont want any child/dating mixing?

I am just trying to throw out ideas here.
 casperlcaf
Joined: 12/23/2003
Msg: 14
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 2:32:02 PM
Interesting ideas hmmmmmmmmmm, I dont think I would ever put child dating mix in the profile. Simply because its hard to express yourself in words as it is. Each person reads a letter differently.
Ever read something and get mad then go back once your in a good mode and reread it and it wasnt saying what you thought? Typing words doesnt get the facial expression or tone in words.
Keeping kids and dating separate, interesting and sounds like a good experiment
I dont know how that would work with out the other person feeling left out and second fiddle to the kids.
Timelines I guess each person is different since each persons tolerance for others peoples kids are at different levels.
What I do is let them know I have 3 kids living with me. Im not looking for a mother for them they have one. If they have kids I let them know I dont want to be a daddy but I can be a friend. Everyone can always use friends.
Thats a good way to talk to your child about when it comes down to dating. They would be a friend. Like the ur ex GF after four yrs leaving. I wouldve figured out a way to explain just like friends come n go. Childrens friends move in and out of schools all the time, this children can relate to. Other than saying daddies GF broke up with him then the child may feel they are to blame for another split up. So even that you have to becareful of.

Time line for mixing the dating and children..........well four yrs didnt work. So dont think she was in the right. You sound like you have your act together and Im sure youve told her that you have kids, before they moved in. She should have prepared or discussed (if she was mature enough not just meaning in age either) her role in the childs life.
Sounds like she has molded your way of thinking into dating and kids should be separate issues. Bottom line , its not possible. Either they mix or you wait until the kids grow up and move out (one of mine said he aint movein till hes 37 but thats another issue).
 BonnieB
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 15
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 11:09:20 PM
I know that the popular thing is not to mix your kids up with your dates and I understand the logic behind it.. but personally I really don't think its a big deal and in fact I don't really agree with it.

Yes, I always meet a new man the first few times totally on my own.. but my daughter is 12.. she knows I date quite a bit and with various men. I know both men and women who don't even want their kids to know that they date at all.. I'm not like that. In fact I find it annoying. I'm doing nothing wrong and I don't want her to think that I am. She knows that it is a casual thing.. and that I'm not planning to have them move in..

And once I'm confident that that he is no physical threat to me and mine, I have no bones about inviting him over for a dinner or to a social affair, even if she will be in attendance. Most often it's with a group but sometimes not. She knows that they are a friend.. no more. Between clients, neighbours and friends, people are always coming or going around here.. so it's really no big deal.

She sometimes notices that some man is paying a little too much attention to me, but she just rolls her eyes at that.. lol... She is confident of my relationship with her and is not afraid of losing me. And she knows all she needs to know about him and I.. she knows that he is a man in my life.. period. She does not need to know if we are intimate.. he would never stay over when she's home.. and he would not be here 'all the time' ... so she is quite comfortable with the whole thing. She is relaxed and friendly to them and they in turn get to meet her without facing fear and suspicion. I personally think that this is better for both of them because if for some reason he and she did not like each other from the get-go.. that is out in the open right in the beginning as well..

The other bonus of course is that the guys in turn get a chance to see the real me.. the everyday, average, imperfect mom and not just the high heeled fancy date. My plan for the time being is to stay single for quite awhile.. but if things did change, and if a relationship were to become more full time .. I think it would be easier for her to gradually accept that the friend is coming around more and more than to suddenly throw her into a situation where there is someone around all the time. And I think I'll instinctively know if and when it will be acceptable to allow him to stay overnight when she is home... I don't think there is a time line that can be attached to it.

Lord.. a glass of wine and a hot topic.. and I'll chatter forever..
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 16
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 9/8/2005 10:29:21 PM
I think it is tougher for the guys too. When a guy hooks up with a gal that has kids, well since typically the mother is the caregiver already, it's not expected for the guy to take on a major roll in the day to day handling and caring. On the other hand, women can be leary of what they might be taking on and what their roll will actually be, plus additional stress factors if the kids mother is involved at all.

It takes some mature people and good communication.
 missq4ever
Joined: 8/31/2005
Msg: 17
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 10/17/2005 9:22:15 AM

I dont care what anyone says. It's still harder for single men to find women than single fathers. A girl just opens her legs and invites a man into her life. A man on the other hand has to compete and play games and try and convince the female that he is the alpha male. No in fact i just met a nice girl today at school talked for a while. Mentioned i had a child and she gave me a false email. Talk about pain i have so much love to give without even depriving my son for one second. Try dating a girl for 3 months and fall in love and find out at the end of it all im not what she wanted. Well if I didn't have my son i bet i would still be with her today. Give me a break women you have so much support and so many guys probably emailing you. I put kids into the picture it scares almost all of them away except maybe the ones that have children already. Single Parental Men Hat's Off to you. You know it's pretty tough sometimes not having anyone to be with or talk to after the child goes to bed. It took my x like 2 months and already she had a boyfriend and another child. Give me a break. Single fathers have it 10 times harder.


Even before I got pregnant, I dated a couple of single dads. I wasn't afraid of the kids (even when one of them is only 9 years younger than me) and ya know, they knew I wasn't afraid. In fact, they gave me more respect than they gave their own father. I may not be part of that family now, but I'm still friends with all of them, even the father. I don't think it was an aversion to taking care of another woman's children (she was out of the picture) I was just having a bad stretch in my life.

I definitely would date a single father... if one would talk to me and not mind that I'm 7 months pregnant.
 yippikieyay
Joined: 7/3/2005
Msg: 18
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 10/17/2005 7:45:51 PM
So all that stuff about 'Sleepless in Seattle' wasn't the God's honest, cross-my-heart-hope-to-die-stick-a-needle-in-my-eye truth?


Dang.


I'm shattered.
 missq4ever
Joined: 8/31/2005
Msg: 19
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 10/18/2005 11:07:22 AM
That's what I'm seeing too. It's not like I'm looking for a "Daddy"...
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 20
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:52:48 PM
Sorry, can't post I see, saw someone else posted here, I'd better leave before I get accused of following again. Good luck you all.
 dewsbury9
Joined: 9/3/2005
Msg: 21
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So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:18:42 PM
With regards to the who has it harder question, I also think a lot depends on the situation and reasons behind single parenthood. Although a lot of stories may be similar, there are always differences, and i doubt that any of us single parents planned for life to turn out this way - you just have to deal with it.

I for one am a single mom of a great 2 year old, but that aside i have dated single dads both before I had children and since - i think alot depends on the type of person you are looking for.

A
 missq4ever
Joined: 8/31/2005
Msg: 22
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/23/2005 2:14:29 PM
Well, I had my baby. I had a beautiful baby girl and named her Elizabeth Gail. She joined us on December 8th at 4:37 PM. She was 7lbs. 12 1/2oz. and 19 1/2". If you'd like to see pics of her, she's at www.mindygriffith.com/elizabeth.htm
 JuJuBee
Joined: 1/24/2004
Msg: 23
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/23/2005 7:13:19 PM
MissQ,

Congrats on your new baby! Aren't they wonderful?

Single parents often bemoan thier fate, but I wouldn't trade it. We may not have "all", but we don't need it. We have a roof over our heads, food in thier stomachs, & all the love we could ever dream up.

I dated a single full custody father of two that had wonderful children. They were a fantastic package as a threesome & we also remain friends.

It's only as hard as you want it to be, eh? Depends on the outlook of the person.

Ju
 nohopeleft
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 24
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 11/8/2006 1:26:26 PM
i totally agree i am a single mother and i have the hardest time finding anyone cause most of them as soon as i say that i have a two year old the stop talking to me and even leading me on i'm afraid to get into a relationship now because the simple fact that i have a young child that gets attached so easy well that is what i think and how i feel
 SONG__
Joined: 1/5/2005
Msg: 25
So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 11/8/2006 7:59:03 PM
"Next question, do you think it is possible to keep kids and dating seperate entirely? Anyone tried this?"

I've tried it and I preferred it that way. I've dated since my kids were young, but never have I introduced them to any of the dates until and I was sure of the man. It was "MY TIME" to be a woman without having to deal with getting someone involved with my kids. As a divorsed mom with two kids, who held down a 40+ hour job, ........well, as in other forums, I needed time to destress and be "me". It made me a much better parent the rest of the time. I not only worked at the office, but at home as well. I had no help to do the laundry, the shopping, the cleaning, the maintenance that goes with homeownership and cars, so I did it. Yeah I know, I'm called the Handywoman....LOL, but those times when I got to go out (at least once a month, twice if I was lucky) I had fun and didn't feel guilty about it at all. Later on when the kids were in their teens, if I met someone that was going to stick around for a while, great. Then the kids met him, I didn't push the "daddy issue", and when we went our separate ways, it was all good. I have remained friends with the majority of men I dated, and the kids still say hi to them as well. Can't have too many friends, can we? It seemed to work out fine all around.
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