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Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 13
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessionsPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I know I have had plenty of "foot in mouth desease" but the olny one that comes to mind is

I work in customer service I sometimes have to calm down angry irrate customers, generally I handle this pretty well, but one day I was getting an earfull on the phone while also taking care of the customers in front of me.
The guy on the phone wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise, wouldn't listen to reason and just kept sceaming and cursing me louder and louder.
I FINNALLY ended the call and one sympithetic customer asked quite innocently

"what was HIS problem?"

I blurted out

"he was an A$$hole"

what could I say? I looked her right in the eye and said
"oh I am sorry, did I say that out loud?"
Joined: 5/25/2005
Msg: 14
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 12/16/2005 6:43:56 PM
OOH OOH i have one...just happened the other day...i was sitting with my sons grandparents discussing how to get something screwed into the wall. Well i thought it would be easier to have a power drill, so i said "I just cant screw that hard!" yep my face was red.
Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 23
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/4/2006 2:32:39 PM
A few times i have blurted out the blind leading the blind in certain cases.. public or out loud.. usually the finger works too.. screw using a horn it only makes people want to slow down in front of you.. Old people have the best come backs.
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 27
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 6/7/2006 4:31:35 PM
I was having lunch with a gay friend the other day....we were taking bloody marys. He said that one morning he needed one desperately but was on his way to court and couldn't chance he mixed a virgin mary....said that since he couldn't taste the vodka anyway, he felt the same effect......asked me 'Isn't that a LIBIDO effect?"

He was so embarrassed when I pointed out his faux pas!!!
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 31
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/5/2009 10:46:22 AM
Funny I almost made that mistake.
Joined: 1/9/2009
Msg: 35
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 6:43:48 AM
when i was a kid there was a out break of lice in a couple of elementy schools in the town where i lived so a nurse came to each school to check kids heads for lice and it was our class's turn.

the nurse told us what lice was and that it was contagious and that we would need to take a few days off school if we had it . then asked the class if anyone had any questions?

i spoke up and said " will u let us know if we have it?" and the room roared with laughter.

i felt sooooo stupid
Joined: 1/9/2009
Msg: 36
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 6:51:46 AM
i tend to think i have computer problems all the time, why? cuz im an idiot when it comes to oporating a computer, all the "i.t" guys know me where i work cuz there allways fixing somthing for me and im sure i became a legend after this insident.....

wile working from home a web page kept freezing up so i called i.t and asked for some advice.
the i.t. guy said " lets get u fixed up, first i need to know know what kind of oporating system u have?"
i said... huh..electrisity, yeah its huh pluged into the wall here......then i herd a long pause (like was he joking?) and was put on hold, untill the laughter stoped.
Joined: 1/9/2009
Msg: 37
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 6:56:51 AM
at a restraunt i had a date that was real realy embarrased by a waiter......i like voluptious women and was with one on a date and the waiter came up to take our drink order and i said i would like a coke, and my date ordered a coke too and the waiter coke?
then my date said well do u have sprite?
waiter said diet sprite?
then she asked what brands of rootbeer the restraunt had ....
and the waiter said huh, we dont have any diet rootbeer.

this guy was trying realy hard to put my girl on a diet that night!!
Joined: 1/9/2009
Msg: 38
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 7:05:44 AM
i had an ex girl friend call me about 6 months after we had dated and she was realy realy serious on the phone and said we needed to talk in person and that she had just seen the doctor.

so im thinking holly shit, right?

i say "so whats wrong"

she says "i have cancer"

then i say, "oh thank god cuz i thought u were pregnate"
Joined: 1/9/2009
Msg: 39
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 7:14:56 AM
once i was introduced to a man named dr. brought and was told he was a "vet", because he was so old i asked....."wich war were u in?"

he shot me a look of death, and didnt answer, my friend chimed in with , "huh, no dr.brought is a animal doctor" ....."u know , a "vet" or vetrinarian"....

oh? right huh i was just kidding.

to this day that guy still doznt like me.... hes probley a draft dodger anyway!
Joined: 12/15/2006
Msg: 40
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/1/2009 4:25:26 PM
We have a foosball table in our break room and there's a group of guys that play everyday during lunch from 12:30 - 1:00. Yes, they're friends so glad they got a kick out of me asking if they liked playing w/their blue balls rather than the red ones!

Laughter at my expense.....and as far as red goes..yeah, that was my face as I CRAWLED out of the break room.
Joined: 7/31/2007
Msg: 41
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/2/2009 10:33:33 AM
My exwife and I were sound asleep and the phone began to ring ... after I woke up enough to count, the phone rang 8 more times (we didn't have an answering machine). I waited for her to wake up and answer because it was NEVER for me, but she slept through it. Finally after the 8th ring after I woke up I picked up the phone and said "someone better be dead" .. I will NEVER say that again because my oldest step daughter (both of which I still like very much) said "he is" ... a friend of hers had just had a car wreck and gotten killed ..... I suck.....
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 55
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:52:52 AM
I mentioned to a hairdresser how I liked hair wraps .... on teens, and they were daft on try-hard adults... Yup- she flicked her hair back annnnnnnnd bingo!!

Talking with my SO about girls names we liked. He said he liked Roxanne. I said I really didnt. His daughter's middle name is...???

Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 58
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:53:50 PM
The other day as I was leaving the office. I decided to chit chat with the secretary that I hadn't seen for awhile. She has been missing a lot of work latley due to an illness. So after a few mins of this, I say .....................well I better get out of your hair. (she has no hair due to chemo-therapy). I felt really bad and apologized and left with a red face and my foot firmly lodged in my mouth.
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 62
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:06:50 AM
I play an online midevil war game, with knights and archers and all that stuff. One of our primary siege weapons are "ballistae" but we refer to them as "balls" for short.

One day, a couple of my war pals were talking to each other, discussing strategy and how best to attack a certain enemy player. One had loaned some troops to the other earlier in the day, and during the conversation, he asked the guy, "Hey, do you wanna hold on to my balls for a while longer?"

We couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes afterward xD
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 71
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 8/27/2011 11:51:22 AM
OMG I was laughing SO happy to realize i'm not the ONLY one who does it!! I have a few of my own....... When I was in college,I met a girl (we'd become friends) who was dating this REALLY gorgeous guy...who happened to have a friend...EQUALLY as gorgeous!! She invited me to the party they were throwing,saying,"I told him all about you...he' wants to meet you!" The guy's name was Chuck. I decided to show him right off how charming and sweet I could be..and funny as well as it turned out! I walked right up to him,smiled my best smile,and,bold as brass , said, (in a LOUD voice) " What's upChuck??" Then,ran out of the room! Now,it's hysterical...then,at 18,it was mortifying! Some friends and I decided to go to a restaraunt in the town where we worked at the time,for dinner after work. I had never been to this place,and was AMAZED at how large it was! We were in the back room,where they have a HUGE wall mirror......which I apparently didn't realize!! I said to my friends," I'm going to go look in THERE!" and proceded ........IN FRONT OF ALL THE MEN,WOMEN AND SMALL CHILDREN WHO WERE IN THE BACK ROOM, walk into the wall!! Everybody (me,included!) laughed for a while over that!! We owned a BEAUTIFUL full-blooded Collie we named Sheba. (She was also VERY smart.) My Grammy was telling her to,"Sit,Sheeba.........sit,Sheeba...........SHIT,Seba!" and ALL of us started laughing! My brother Tony then spoke up with," Grammy,I don't think she'll do THAT on command!"
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 72
“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:45:09 PM
Well this has been hilarious!....2 trips to the "john" funny......

i inserted foot in mouth and then tried to swallow when i said to my patient who had just been wheeled into the room from surgery.."i know your son has been worried about you, i"ll go get him now".....her reply.."i don't have a son, that's my boyfriend"!

I don't run from trouble and i knew , of course, my next words ...."U COUGAR U!"....had a 50/50 chance of making matters worse, but, i just couldn't stop them.

The floor couldn't have opened up fast enough...
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 73
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/3/2011 9:02:28 AM
New State Trooper was being a scene of a fatality (I was the reconstructionist called to the scene), and I noticed his name plate..(name) with the line underneath reading "Dept of Pubic Safety".

I pull him aside as I walked the scene to get an overall idea what took place..ask him;

"You looked at your name plate today?"

"No sir."

"I think you better, and look very closely."

Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 76
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“Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/16/2011 6:38:40 PM
^ Another reason why the auto-censor is lame.

I was dating a girl who had lost her husband, who was a vegetarian and so, she hadn't had pizza in years.
One night, we decided to get pizza. I thought it best to eat it at the local Italian restaurant because they had the greatest pizza around and we could eat in: romantic and no cleaning up after.

I was starving. When the pie was placed onto the table, it was only seconds from the oven. Piping hot...steaming.
Not one who enjoys torture, I lifted a slice with the spatula and set it onto her plate and then one for me.
I cut a piece with the fork, blew on it and then commenced devouring it.
She followed suit and we just continued talking and eating our freshly-baked pizza with our forks.

I was still eating when she'd decided she was satisfied and then she asked me, "Do you always eat pizza with a fork?" I immediately dropped my fork on the table, picked up my remaining piece and answered calmly, "No. Why? Who does that?" We actually both thought the same thing about each other, that it was normal.
We both laffed and laffed and it turned into a really fun meal, both of us eventually hysterical from laughing at other things that came up.

The woman running the joint starting clearing tables for the night and when she was close enough, I asked her how many people she saw eating pizza with a fork. She quipped, "None...who would do that?", prompting my date to go bonkers, nearly falling to the floor.
She then went back to the kitchen for a spell and when she came back, she came over to me and said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have answered you like that, before.", to which I said, "Oh, that's quite alright. I was just a little curious". My date giggles.
Then, she follows it with, "I'm always putting my mouth where it shouldn't be."

I look at my date, raise my right eyebrow and utter, "Mmmmmmm....".

I was amazed at how many really funny answers flooded my mind in a matter of seconds. I remember I couldn't decide which was the best.

I picked my date up from the floor and we both limped out to the car, crying with laughter.
To this day, I've never been given another opening like like that.

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