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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
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Joined: 4/15/2005
Msg: 7
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?Page 1 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
Well quite naturally I have to turn this around, why is it that girls get offended when I politely tell them that they really aren’t my type. Why are women hurt when I tell them I am not interested in them romantically, that i just want to be friends? There is really just no winning for losing sometimes, this is a dating site and people are going to get offended and to a large extent that isn’t your issue. Just be yourself do your best and forget all the critics, you can’t please everyone. I find it tough when someone I really like suddenly doesn’t want to be friends just because I am not ready for a relationship with them, so I hear you. Sorry to hear men are so rude to you, there are good men out there, just keep looking.
 blondegreeneyedgal
Joined: 4/2/2005
Msg: 19
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 12/16/2005 7:12:42 AM
I guess men dont like honest women.Shit wouldnt they rather have someone upfront then to be given a false number and the run around? I guess some men would rather the mind games lol if it protected their egos
 Bandit
Joined: 5/17/2003
Msg: 31
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 12/16/2005 8:14:45 PM
If a guy says hey there nice picture...its a dumb reply from a visual male.
If a guy says I like your profile.....its a dumb reply from a male whose too blind to notice how nice you presented yourself in a picture...

If someone comes along and says oh baby spank my **s anytime you like that gets attention..how come you think that these words are sincere caring or interesting,,,even so disgusting its worth mentioning? I know your looking for a real relationship. And so most of us are.

I m asking because myself I have only given compliments...and recieved nothing in response to those compliments...I as well have a lack of understanding. I guess if this side of it gets figured out we will be rich LOL...

Best of luck in your search. :)
 UnzippedPassion
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 70
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 12/22/2005 6:30:14 PM
I agree 100 percent with chuck!
 UnzippedPassion
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 74
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 12/22/2005 8:15:11 PM
Even though I disagree somewhat with the previous numbers presented...I do agree that we should all give the respect of a reply to anyone who takes the time to write to us.

I receive any where from 30 to 50 emails a day...and I'm a very busy person! Out of those emails maybe only 3 are disrespectful. Now sometimes I may take a day or two to open and read an email, but I respond as soon as I do. My responses are much longer than 10 seconds because they're never standard and when I skip a day or two because I'm in the forums..then I'm really backed up. I reply to all emails though even those who are dispectful, in which case I usually put them in their place, either politely, or in a tactful smartass way depending on what they said to me!

I think people get bent out of shape because rejection hurts, and too many people fail to realize that not everyone is going to be attracted to us, just because we're attracted to them. We're all individuals with individual tastes. I think maybe if things weren't taken so personally, almost as if it were a personal failure if someone doesn't feel the same way back, then we'd all get along much better and live mentally healthier lives.
Remembering that just because the person we're attracted to, has different taste, or is looking for someone with qualities other than what we have to offer, doesn't mean we weren't good enough, only that we weren't what they were searching for. Respecting others tastes, opinions, desires, and individuality is all a part of what makes us a better, well adjusted person and definitely more enjoyable to be around. : )
 UnzippedPassion
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 80
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 12/23/2005 3:33:26 PM
@artandsoul with many OT statements included : )

Let me try to explain some things and possibly shed a little more light for you, based on my personal experiences of course. (which I can tell you go much farther then POF) It's a little long, and I'm sorry...but I want to answer you as completely as I can.

Most guys are very nice, and genuine to me. Some just write to thank me for making them smile with my pics. They use descriptions like cute, and classy, and notice if I even change one pic, which I often do! Others compliment me in sincere ways either on the profile being well written, or something they can relate to in it. There are actually people who write to me for advice because they like my way of thinking from what they've read in the forums. Of course some do make sexual comments on the pics..but not in a way that I would consider degrading.

The small percentage I get of nasty emails, are usually off the wall disgusting, or way off mark because they're ASS Uming I'm someone other than who I am regardless of what's stated in my profile. They consist of judgemental people, who I always let know in no uncertain terms that it's not wise to think you know anyone, before you actually do. Of course it always cracks me up when I get something nasty from someone I don't even know, as if I were bothering them so much that they felt compelled to let me know how digusted they were by me. I usually write something along the lines of.... "Thanks for taking the time to send me your email. I hope someone shows you an equal amt. of kindness and respect today, as you have shown me. Too bad though, that you never learned that one important rule from your mom. It goes like this: If you don't have anything nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all! I think it would be most beneficial for you to remember that!"

Here's the thing...many times it's not the first email that's the problem because they're hoping to say something clever, or cute, to get a response back. As I said, I read and reply to all emails with a thanks for the compliment, adding whatever else I choose to on a friendly level. Sometimes when they understand that it isn't going to go beyond a friendship, that's when the rejection kicks in and their mail turns a new leaf. I teach communication skills, so I can usually turn it around to gently make them understand where I'm coming from...and with that, if they have hopes to continue communicating with me, they usual straighten up. Of course I believe that in the back of some of their minds, they're hoping to convince me to go to another level, over time. The main thing is keeping things balanced and happy, so they can get to know me for the type of person I am... at which time they usually accept anything that I can give, even if it's only friendship. I do sincerely care about all people and their feelings, and I love making new friends. Needless to say, there's always that handful that argues with me because they believe we'd be perfect in every way, shape and form, and when they know it's not going to happen, they say something nasty. I never let comments go without a reply though.

With that said, the numbers may be changed a little by the fact that it isn't always the first emails that are the problem! However, in my case...it may be only a few additional ones that take that negative turn once we're communicating. I still have to say that most guys who have written, are sweet!

One more thing I'd like to add that may make the difference. I'm so used to working with people, and talking with people from all walks of life, that many things that would bother other people, or that they'd find insulting, don't hit me the same way. I understand all kinds of humor and the various ways people try to present themselves with opening lines based on their own comfort level and personalities. Therefore, what may have seemed crude to someone else, may have really been a joke by someone who doesn't know how to approach women in any other way. A lot of times I'll reply back with sarcastic wit, which I know they can relate to. Maybe I'm just more tolerant than most.


Is it possible that some people are exaggerating a little to justify their own shortcomings in the courtesy department?

No, I wouldn't necessarily say that, and certainly not on purpose. Perhaps the same way we tell those who have been rejected, that they must understand that all people are individuals and are entitled to their own opinions..and are attracted to many various things....we should also remind those who are doing the rejecting, that all people writing to us, are individuals, and it's a compliment that they find us someone they'd like to get to know. We should also realize that not all people know how to write, or what to say, and maybe if we had a little more tolerance for that, it would allow us to understand things more, and to show them the respect they deserve, by at least replying to them.

Here's an example of my last insult that Ill share with you, and how I turned it around.
Someone wrote to tell me that at first they thought I had a really good profile and was a good person, but I was obviously a hypocrite with my cheap whore slut picture of that woman f cking that man. (the cartoon pic!)
I wrote back and said, "But my friend, it's all in the way you look at things and one should never ASS Ume! Look at that pic again..and this time know that the man is her husband, and father of her children... who had been away in the war for sometime, and missed and was worried about his wife. When he walked in the door however...she eagerly jumped him and passionately looked deeply into his eyes assuring him beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was still totally in love with the man she had been with for many years, and her heart still ached for him as much as she hoped he still desired and ached for her. She then kissed him, and their hearts turned into one again, signifying how deep in love they still were with one another. And that kind of deep, meaningful love is the kind of unzipped passion we'd all like to find! Nothing wrong with that pic now is there??"

He wrote back, confided a lot of things in me, and apologized and asked if I would forgive him and be his friend.

Sometimes it's all the way we talk to someone. Had I blasted him for his judgemental ways, and for calling me names I didn't deserve, the outcome would have been a much less rewarding one!

Once again, sorry if this was so long... Hope it helped!

Happy Holidays to you too! : )
 UnzippedPassion
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 86
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 12/25/2005 12:52:33 AM
^^ Thank you that was very sweet of you to say! : ) Merry Christmas!!
 Jester1977
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 97
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:19:08 AM
Lol well said Nettdates!

I frankly do not want a bunch of polite refusals. Every email I get on here is an expression of interest. I prefer it stayed that way. I must admit I rarely send them either.

Still I guess the self proclaimed paladins will take that as me being rude and classless. They after all, know everything, and are therefore in a grand position to judge everyone else.

Nothing rude about that is there?
 Ntomlin63
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 98
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 3:49:23 AM
Well speaking only for myself as a guy I honestly prefer if a lady isn't interested that she take the brief moment to say so. I don't mind being told thanks, but, no thanks. Thats fine. I hate taking the time to write, and all my letters are original to the person I am writing and simply being ignored. Thats what makes me hot under the collar.
 unorthadoxchick
Joined: 5/26/2006
Msg: 99
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 4:20:19 AM
Oh I get this all the time. Men messaging me...they haven't read my profile. Most are real about wanting to talk to me (not just about sex) But when I tell them "thank you but i'm not interested" they do get mean.

I've had men call me racist names, tell me I'm ugly (when 10 minutes before they were saying how beautiful I was) or tell me I'm always going to be alone.
I found that the older the man 35+ , the worst the rant is.

I know no one likes rejection and that it's a lot easier to say those types of things over the internet. I know that they would never behave that way if we were face to face.

They are just sad. I feel sorry for them, especially after I stop laughing.
 Girlflower
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 100
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 5:05:07 AM
older and wiser woman here.... if a man takes it badly that you have siad/sent a polite thanks but no thanks.. and proceeds to berate you.. Well Honey..Tell Him to Go Get Bent! LOL.. men in my generation know that means go to blue blazes... as for them wanting to talk dirty sex with you .. sweetheart that is called verbal rape... never feel you must justify talking or not talking about sex just because a man wants too.... he's getting off on the discussion just by your protest on where the conversation is going.. without your consent to open the subject... and if a man keeps harping on you this and you that... count your lucky stars he's not a permanenet fixture in your life... he's a potentially dangerous man who is always pointing his finger out and blaming the victim... being the victim to verbal assault.. a harangue... insults is not why we and any decent person has joined this site.... and the best defense is to report an abuser to the moderators... then put the SOB on BLOCK!

No matter a persons..anything description we all have the right to be treated with respect.... and I applaud you for telling a man he's not right for you.. and yes some people don't have that courtesy.. but it's not in the manner we are rejected it is how we take the rejection...

Take it like a man... or a woman... but accept that not all of us are someone's elses cup of tea.

Girlflower
 Riick
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 101
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 5:30:58 AM
"why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?"

What's good for the Goose, is good for the Gander.
And you thought:
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" ??????
 InSydney
Joined: 3/14/2007
Msg: 106
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:23:59 AM
Shiloh25, as one woman in her 50s said to me recently "When I was young I used to reject men who would talk about sex on a first date. Now I wish I could find a man like that"

Maybe one day men will stop doing this and all you women who complain about anything and everything that men do will wish you never complained to start with
 SapphirePoet
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 108
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:39:03 AM
Girlfriend, You have every right to be annoyed by this!
You don't need to lighten up at all these idiots need to GROW UP!
I have had it happen to me a couple of times.
I was shocked (not sure why at this point) and dismayed!
Oh your so beautiful, and sexy and I want to know more and blah blah blah and then..... oh, you don't want me then Fuk you ugly fat biatch!
That isn't rude people that is Vicious!
It doesn't matter if I am all of the above, I wasn't five seconds ago when you wanted me.
Of course they got deleted and blocked. And the first time after the shock and dismay wore off then it was actually pretty funny and pathetic.

I think proper manners and politeness have been disappearing in general but especially on the internet.

TC
Deb
 justjenny68
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 111
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 6:47:49 AM
Can i get an amen on that..i have the same problem..and let me tell ya, i dont think its cause were full-figured women...i think its cause men can hide behind this screen and think they have the right to talk like that. I dont care if your ex wasnt interested and u feel u need to make sure the next one is..its no way to start a relationship...im with ya on this one shiloh
Jen
 ________
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 113
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 7:06:22 AM
it is true: You don't have to explain what you didn't say.
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 114
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 8:22:26 AM
I think some women exaggerate the amount of rude emails they get after rejection. For example, one woman ( on another thread about the same topic ) stated that 80%-90% of men are rude to her after she rejects them. I know some women on dating sites and they told me the percentage of rude emails they get isn't anywhere close to 80-90%. The reason why some men are rude is this. They send a bunch of nice emails to women that they think would be a good match with. Nearly all of them are "read /deleted" or have "No thanks" response. After a while, people get frustated. No one likes being constantly rejected. Whether it's for a dating, a job or anything else. I don't necessary think it has anything to do with the OP being a BBW because a lot of women ( regardless of age, race, body type ) get some rude emails. BTW some women can be just as rude when a man rejects them.
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 115
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 9:36:07 AM
When this happens then I just pat myself on the back for being CORRECT that they weren't my type (or were dumb@sses). Then I block. I don't take it personal though... those kinds will react that way to any women saying anything that sounds like rejection, no matter how polite. I don't jump through hoops for anyone, and it isn't my problem to bolster or coddle a grown man's ego. I know I am polite and respectful, and I don't need to give a "reason" to say, "No, but thank you, and good luck!"... that's all I need to know or care about.

There are much nicer guys here anyway.. and more secure.
 orchidtigress
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 119
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:06:37 AM
These are little boys and not men who behave this way....thank them for exposing themselves in their temper tamtrum and saving you from conversation or meeting emotionally and mentally challenged males who obviously did not pass through the puberty stage yet. Could you imagine them in bed??? They would be totally selfish and probably unable to please you! Hence they are sexually frustrated and their ego gets all out of shape when no one wants to simply talk about sex with them since that is all they can do!

Tell them to quit being so cheap and get a credit card to call a sex operator!
 mfreemo
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 120
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:26:16 AM
Shiloh,
I think your question is well asked, and worth discussion, but the only ones that can answer it are the kinds of guys that respond that way. It seems unlikely that you will be getting answers from them in this forum.
It seems to be pretty common by the things I hear from my lady friends. My jaw drops when I hear their stories. I certainly cannot enlighten you on their motives or thinking.

Since I cannot add to your understanding of this phenomenom, go off-topic too...


Here is a man's perspective on all this. I know that I speak for the many men who have some class and believe in treating a woman like a lady. -artandsoul


Arty,
PLEASE, do not speak for me.
I am a nice guy. I may not be classy, but I do believe in courtesy and treating women with respect.

It would seem that you are trying to define the rules by saying over and over and over the same thing. If we hear it enough it must be true?
This is not real life so the rules are not the same as real life. Even in real life there are venues where the rules are different.
At a friends dinner party you might be required by rules of courtesy to politely accept all offers of conversation. You might even be expected to tolerate the boorish guest's stories. Courtesy expects you to be courteous to your friend's guests.
On the street you should be polite to the stranger that approaches you for directions. I don't think you are expected to be polite to the stranger that approaches you for sex, evn in real life.
I do not write a 'thanks but no thanks' letter to all the Viagra email I get. They are real people, too. And the email is long and thoughtful. It is not RUDE to not respond.
The internet is is filled with so many different kinds of people with so many different purposes. If you want to talk about courtesy then get on your soapbox about people who are actually rude when they are rejected. The behavior that OP writes about is real, common, and rude.
You seem to be a Johnny-one-note on this issue. You did not respond to OP's question, you simply used her thread as an opportunity to get on your soapbox and preach. That seems rude to me.
I don't think the rules of courtesy have been all that defined that you can say that I am rude for not following YOUR rule.
I would like to put my vote in with netdates4humanshit, and Jester1977 that the question of courtesy in this venue are not yet defined as you would like for us to believe.


I think It Is FAR less rude to simply let It go then forward sad little thanks but no thanks notes. =netdates4humanshit



I frankly do not want a bunch of polite refusals. Every email I get on here is an expression of interest. I prefer it stayed that way. I must admit I rarely send them either.
-Jester1977


I don't think there is any difference between a nice 'Thanks but I'm not interested' note and no response. It's really the same thing. I would prefer to have my inbox empty than filled with rejection notices. I think most of us decent people know when a reply note is proper, unless we start to believe Atry's rule.

I say that when you don't respond it is NOT rude. Let's not add more rules to our lives.

So for those that are thinking that perhaps Arty is right about courtesy, consider the source:


But Ambar, considering that you look like a real dog, wouldn't he have a chance with you even though he's old? Sorry, I was looking at your profile pics and couldn't resist that one. Are you the one on the right or the real brunette on the left? JUST KIDDING ... Don't shoot me! -artandsoul


Ok, Arty, you DO know rude.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 122
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:59:01 AM
OP: You hit a whole bunch of topics in your initial post. I didn't bother to read the entire thread, but here's my take on it:

1) Some women need to be willing to steer the conversation in another direction if the guy's focusing on sex too much. Many guys apparently talk sex-talk too much (I do not), and if you keep answering the sex questions, they'll assume that that's what you want to talk about, too. Just cut right in and ask about his job or some of his non-sexual hobbies.

2) As for guys cussing women out after getting rejected: Why do women even read any more emails from those guys after you've made the decision not to continue talking? Why not just delete future emails? It's not like you're gonna change your mind, right? Again, I don't personally lash out when I get a "no", but I can understand dudes being pissed about that. Women need to avoid opening that last email after the decision and just move on. Take responsibility for your experience here.
 mfreemo
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 124
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 11:25:30 AM

...but I can understand dudes being pissed about that. Women need to avoid opening that last email after the decision and just move on. Take responsibility for your experience here.


Really? You can understand dudes getting pissed?
You might be someone that can really shed some light on this question.

I can understand dudes getting disappointed. I don't understand them getting pissed. And there is no excuse for getting rude, even if you're pissed. A rude email response is bad form for any guy. Children can't control their tempers. Men are supposed to.
You seem to make the responsibility for reading a rude email the fault of the woman. How can she know that the response isn't kindly and understanding? As it ought to be.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 129
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 12:14:06 PM

Really? You can understand dudes getting pissed?
You might be someone that can really shed some light on this question.


No healthy, competitive guy likes rejection. It's normal to be angry/disappointed when you get rejected. A mature guy will deal with that feeling without lashing out. The mature guy moves on, and doesn't respond back in an ugly way. The immature guy sends that last, ugly email to lash out. I'm not excusing the response, but any competitive, alpha male understands the feeling behind the response.

With all due respect, any guy who can be rejected without any anger whatsoever is a nutless eunuch. That guy isn't a very competitive, alpha-type guy.
 cowtrucker
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 131
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why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 12:35:58 PM
Omg! You are SOOOOOO correct on this!!! But... I will add something; this doesn't just happen to BBW's. It happens to all of us. EXACTLY how you've stated. What gets me, is that they call me a fat cow, or they call me Gay, because I'm not interested in Them....

It isn't that I don't like sex, I just feel that it isn't appropriate to talk about to strangers, or in public. I always thought the subject was more of an Intimate nature.

Then there are a few that just won't leave you alone. I have one from here that I've said "Thank you, but I'm not interested" about 8 times now, and then he decides to come to MY town to see if I might change my mind. He interrupts a conversation I was having with a male friend who's married, watches me all night, follows me around, and just won't leave me alone...

As far as finding the answer to this question, OP, I think its a million-dollar question. So, if you ever get an answer, you'll be rich before you know it! lol

CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas
 Ntomlin63
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 132
why do men get so bent out of shape when a woman says no thanks?
Posted: 1/20/2008 2:29:22 PM
Actually if I get a thanks but no thanks mail back I don't get upset, maybe a little disappointed. But at most I then take the time to write a last mail to the individual thanking THEM for for taking the time to at least write and say No thanks. After that I won't bother that person ever again. There are way too many people around to spend time annoying people that have told you no. Heck I don't even ever write a second time if I get no response. I simply take that as a no. But I do appreciate the time being taken to tell me so. And I never, ever, have even thought about sending a nasty mail for any reason at all. Its not me.
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