|It's time: Brutally Honest Profile Reviews ... as promisedPage 1 of 30 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)|
|A fine time for me to introduce this thread, I believe, since Veedub has recently retired.|
Exams are done, so I have plenty of time to bash all of your profiles.
Don't expect me to be nice. Don't review my profile. Don't come back at me with negative responses after I review you. Don't tell me I'm a b*tch. I already know that I am; that's why I'm starting this thread.
So, bring it on! Its show time!
[user name removed from subject line, this is disallowed/pandy]
|It's time: Brutally Honest Profile Reviews by Kikilynn... as promised|
Posted: 12/16/2005 9:43:05 AM
|Oh dearest steamcatcher... |
Thanks for being my first customer!
I must tell you, the current revision of your profile is much improved, and it is far better than the ones you have on Lavalife (That's right... I checked out your other picture!)
With respect to your pedophile picture... I just don't know what to tell you. I know that this has already stirred up some controversy. Aside from the children thing, the photo is very poor quality, which I can't stand. I must admit that I'm shocked that you are rated a 5.55 with that picture! On the positive side, no one can tell that you're only 5'5 when you're hanging out with children. So, my overall recommendation is to gather up some young children to stand around you and get a clear shot of yourself to post on your profile. And while your at it, get a clear head shot that you can post. Digital cameras are relatively cheap these days, so you really have no excuse to not have one.
So, a few notes:
*I prefer not to see any "Prefer Not To Say" on anyone's profile. I find its a little... what's the word... fishy?
*I find that you don't have any interesting interests. Beef it up a little. Add something spicy maybe...
*I really think you should remove the comment which states that you've "won" because you haven't taken the plunge yet... it makes you sound like a bit of a commitment-a-phobe.
*Also, the comment about only changing things that are the devil? I find that a bit scary... are you insinuating that you have devilish qualities, or that some part of you is the devil, or what exactly???
*With regards to the lyrics, "Ne me quitte pas"... do you honestly think that anyone is going to know who sings it??? Where the hell are you getting your crack from?
Anyway, otherwise, very nice, sincere. I like it.
Posted: 12/16/2005 1:06:18 PM
|Hey there, thanks for coming out. |
Pictures: They're pretty good. I think that the second one with the cigar is the best, I'd make it your main photo. It never hurts to have all eight up there, but my motto is, don't put up pics, just to put up pics. Its all about quality.
Your profile is quite good. My only problems are that it sounds a bit chatty, and it contains "lol's". Just try to get to the point.
Overall, good job. One of the better male profiles that I've read.
Posted: 12/16/2005 1:18:09 PM
|Name: Unoriginal, but as far as I know its far too late to change that now.|
Pictures: I'm not really impressed. I think you can do a better job of cleaning yourself up and taking some nice, CLEAR shots. And please, don't try to dress up like you're about to rob a bank in your profile pictures, okay?
Stikki Ikki Ikki :D
What the f*ck is that??? Also, while I'm here, no ':D' in your profile, okay?
About me: Need some serious work here. First, it sounds like it was written by a child. Don't include lists of stuff. We want to know about you, and what you're looking for. That's it, that's all. Make sure to write it using good sentence structure, accurate spelling and correct grammar.
First date: Oh look, I just found what you're looking for. It doesn't go here pal. And again, a list. Surprise, surprise. As for your actual first date idea. Sounds interesting, definitely creative and different. What concerns me is the "dream homes to die in." Listen pal, trust me here, just go with dream homes. Leave out death, please! I don't even f*cking know you!
Good luck. You've got some work to do.
Posted: 12/16/2005 1:31:46 PM
|F*ckin' figures the regulars would stop in...|
My first impression, 'Oh my God, do I have to read all of this???
Gotta say, your headline is perfect!!! You almost won me over right there.
Picture: Do you know what no head shot says to me? It tells my you must be fugly. For those of you who don't know, fugly means "f*ckin' ugly!" Come on, put up a damn picture!
You can't be that bad, can you??
There is only ONE original!!!! and it is I
Structure, structure, structure. There is only one original (comma) and it is I(exclamation mark).
Your profile is quite refreshing. Well written and sneaky. Love it. However, you have no first date, and half of your profile is written under first date. And then there's some random list.
Anyway, whatever floats your boat, pal. Its obviously working for you because you're on 114 favorites lists.
Posted: 12/16/2005 1:42:53 PM
|Oh dear... this is going to take some work.|
First and foremost, I really hope that Owen Wilson is not your real name!!! If it is, you're an idiot!
You need a catchy headline. Think of something original. Maybe something that relates to you or your personality in someway.
Now, in case you haven't stopped into the forums to read about body hair, most women don't like it. So the picture of your rug... probably not a great idea. Now, if you happen to wax it... and then you put up an after pic... that could be good for a chuckle... but otherwise, please, spare me!
Alright, I am new at this and thought I should re-do my description due to lack of response. I am a 35 year old man. I live in Austin, Texas.
Unnecessary. There is absolutely no reason to restate the items from your general information. The only thing it tells me is that you are capable of forming basic sentences.
In general, your writing style is just, blah... boring.
And please, don't use this space to write about how bad your past relationships were. That clearly spells out 'baggage' to me.
I don't know what to tell you Owen. Try to spice it up. Get creative. Consider a short paragraph about what makes you interesting, and then a short paragraph about what you're looking for.
Posted: 12/16/2005 1:49:11 PM
|Okay, I'm a chick and I'm thinkinig, "F*ck, this is going to take a while to read." Guys have even shorter attention spans. Keep that in mind. You are however, on 189 favorites lists, and that is clearly because you look f*ckable. You're seriously hot!|
That said, it's sad that you are really blonde. You seriously cannot spell! Or, you're chosing to sound stupid. I think the content of your profile is okay, but, honestly, get it together in the spelling, sentence structure and grammar department. And don't use acronyms.
Posted: 12/16/2005 1:57:14 PM
|Your headling could be catchy if it had proper grammar and correct spelling.|
Tag, you're it!
Your pictures all suck. The ones of you are poor quality, and the rest are just filler. Useless crap. Quality, not quantity, please!
So, Drew, I guess you don't know that when you use the personal pronoun, I, you capitalize it! Get it? Got it? Good!
Otherwise, your profile is okay.
Do add a fun, original, spicy first date idea.
Posted: 12/16/2005 6:58:51 PM
|If OTB can subject himself to this .. I can too |
Bring it on ..
Posted: 12/17/2005 4:44:31 AM
|Your headline is a nice attempt at creativity, but it just doesn't work. You absolutely don't look 29!!! Maybe if you get yourself a box of Just for Men, you can make that headline work, but in the meantime you're going to have to come up with something else.|
I know you know about your pictures, but here are a few tips for you on taking your new, improved pictures:
*Get hooched up, consider going for a jog and doing some crunches, go for a hair cut, trim up your beard, use that Just for Men we talked about... and then take your pictures.
*Take lots of pictures... I'm talking in the realm of 100... and chose eight that are stunning.
*Get into an area with a clear, uncluttered background.
*Make your first shot a quality head shot.
*Since you are 5'3 (you've got Steamcatcher beat!) I'm going to leave you with the same advice I gave him. Have your little scouts or whatever croud around you, maybe even ask them to all kneel down, and take a group shot. Do not kneel with them!!! We want you to appear as tall as possible. And even consider standing on a few phone books, just make sure you can't see them through the kids...
Interests: I need you to consider each of the interests on your interests list and think, "Is this really an interest?" and "Is this an interest that a woman is going to find interesting?" Like 'doing 5 things at once' is not a legitimate interest. And having 'working a steady job' listed as an interest makes it sound like you often don't have a steady job. Are you getting me? I see that you do stuff with children, so add community work or volunteering... chicks your age will dig that. Don't give away exactly what it is that you do. For example, I am a Big Sister for Big Brothers Big Sisters, but I just casually mention in my profile that I volunteer... you need to save something to whew your date when you finally hook up.
About me: You sound desperate.
-Welcome, I'm so happy you decided to check me out!
-I have a steady job...
Try not to sound desperate. You need to simplify your about me section. Don't go into huge detail about everything you do. Simply list some of the things that make you you, and save the detail for the date.
How your profile should sound:
Adventurous, fun, exciting (insert descriptors that don't make you sound old or dumb here) looking for someone to compliment my lifestyle. I manage a local bike store, take interest classes when I can, volunteer.... I also enjoy doing puzzles, art, camping, bike riding....
So rewrite it. Keep the paragraph about what you're looking fun. Untackify your first date idea... (That means its tacky....) and you should be all set.
Posted: 12/17/2005 4:55:47 AM
|Pictures: Unclear and grainy. C'mon, you can do better! |
Spelling issues: ton, easily...
Otherwise, your profile looks just fine.
Posted: 12/17/2005 5:09:30 AM
|Headline: Your headline is not a space for you to advertise what you're looking for. It's there so that you can capture your audience. Try to come up with something catchy and original which gives us a glimpse of you.|
Interests: This section is very thin. Are you really that dry of an individual? Beef it up.
About me: When you type, you're supposed to put a space after characters such as commas and periods. Just doing that will help make you look a bit smarter (than you do now...)
Don't list your age in this section or anything that is in the general info. Try just going with "I'm a hardworking guy who enjoys working out,(SPACE)camping,(SPACE)football,(SPACE)nascar and running."
Your about me section is also very thin. Try to write a whole paragraph about you, and a whole paragraph about the girl you are looking for. Try to avoid the "I want this" "I do that" style of writing.
Oh and your picture, I almost forgot! Your picture sucks. Get a clear headshot on there, and for f*ck sakes, smile!!! And, next time you take a picture, turn the date stamp off on your camera.
Posted: 12/17/2005 5:15:13 AM
|Your lack of a photo means that you join your buddy O-T-B on the fugly list.|
Your interest section is a cop out.
Your about me is thin, but well written. Throw a quick paragraph about your dream woman and you're good to go.
And, apparently you don't want to go on a date.
So, there you have it.
Thanks for coming out.
Posted: 12/17/2005 5:16:22 AM
|Exactly...What you said about the headline... I've been saying that in my reviews as well, not to put what you're looking for; that's typical so it wouldn't capture the audiance, typical is boring.|
Posted: 12/17/2005 5:28:03 AM
|Well, you didn't even spell your name correctly, so you lose points right off the top. Should be talldarknlonely. Your headline is interesting. I'm glad you're only after one woman and that you're not of the poligamous variety that are showing up in other review threads.|
Make your headshot your main photo, but try to get a new one up that's less grainy.
In your about me section, do not discuss your baggage. Women want a man with baggage about as much as men want a woman with baggage. You really should have nothing more that a thin brief case.
About me Im smart, funny...
Leave out the words about me, and add an apostrophe to I'm.
Overall, you sound simple. Your writing style is dry. But its okay.
Take the tip that I gave earlier about making sure there are always spaces after periods and commas.
In your first date area, you've got reading spelled wrong. And the word is picture, not pic.
So the first date would be to see if we had a physical attration and if so the rest I can`t tell on here this is a public site.
What exactly can't you tell us on a public site??? You're going to have your way with her??? Ohhhhhhh, that sounds appealing. That should get your inbox flowing right there! (Not...)
Posted: 12/17/2005 5:48:14 AM
|You actually look like you're probably a real cutie! Too bad all of your pictures suck. Don't post pictures with red eye. Don't put up grainy shots. Ugh, do I really have to go through all of this? No, its my thread! Go read some of the general pointers I've given to everyone else about pictures. Then go get some of your own.|
*Always capitalise i when you're talking about yourself.
*Do not advertise that you have ADD.
Overall, you're profile is what I call simple. The writing style is poor, and lacks umph.
Dan, your only hope is to get some sexy shots up of yourself, and then watch the favorites numbers rise.
Posted: 12/17/2005 6:58:16 AM
|I was about to tell you that you're fugly, and then I saw that you'd sent me a personal e-mail with your picture. You're not fugly... you're even kinda cute! And consider that a good thing since I'm probably one of the most shallow women you will ever meet. Furthermore, its a perfect headshot. I really encourage you to post that right on your profile, if for no other reason than to serve as a good example for all of the other people that I'm reviewing.|
I don't think you need a comma in your headline, it seems grammatically incorrect the way it is now. Browsing before buying.
Now... I'm a little concerned that you're an alcoholic christian. Something just isn't meshing here. Its nice that you're honest about how much you drink, but I really wouldn't advertise. If you're talking about sitting down at night with a glass of wine... personally, I don't feel that that counts. If you're like me, and you head out and get slammed when you "drink", that counts. If that's the case, you need to pray for God to save your liver.
One other tiny thing, coffee has two f's, cafe has one f.
Otherwise, I quite like your profile. It's very honest. You get right to the point, and I like that.
You do say "if this is you...." without really describing what you're after. Is not wanting kids really your only criteria for chosing women?
So please, post that picture so that I can tell everyone else, "You wanna see a good profile, go take a look at needleinahaystack..."
Posted: 12/17/2005 7:15:41 AM
|I don't know if I'm really up for this, I'm pretty hung over, but here it goes.|
Doug, your pictures suck. Please, throw away the webcam, get yourself a cheap digital camera off E-bay, and get some decent pictures. One of them (the one shot looking up) makes you look fat, so get rid of that right away.
"so fresh, so clean"? Oh God, you really do work in a grocery store. Why don't you just change it to "Fresh Obsessed!"? (Don't - I was just being sarcastic...)
For profession, just put 'manager.' In your profile, don't advertise that you work in a grocery store. I don't care what you do at the grocery store, just don't write it. Cause you already nailed it right on the head, it does sound lame.
I like the Brock joke, its so true! But please, don't go on and on about going to Brock for your ex and how you're broken up now... blah blah blah... remember what I told the other guy about baggage? Nothing more than a thin breif case! Get it? Got it? Good!
You wanna know why I went to Guelph? Because my ex was going to Guelph. Now he's my ex... do you see the sob story in my profile? No you do not.
Forget the "should've gone to Waterloo" statement. Yes, you should have gone to Waterloo, but you're an idiot, and you went to Brock. Now what are you going to do about it? Apply to Waterloo! Get your ass back in school. Trust me, high school math teacher is going to be a far more rewarding career that grocery store night crew manager. Although, I do see some parallels, the hooligans that you're managing probably are high school students anyway (or about the same level of intelligence/maturity)!
Scrap the "I'm 24 years old and" and just write "I'm looking for..."
Overall I don't like your writing style. Too much "I this" and "I that"... I would personally rewrite the whole damn thing if it were my profile... but its not... so do what you want. No one ever takes my advice anyway.
And last, but not least, your first date idea is lame-o!
Sorry I don't have better news pal.
Posted: 12/17/2005 8:02:35 AM
Probably but I'm getting so disillusioned with the meat marketing of modern dating that I might just smoke a bong and go back to web design. Such is life.
In that case, I suggest you just pack up, delete your profile all together, and get the f*ck outta here!
Posted: 12/17/2005 10:30:37 AM
Just stop questioning.
This is a review thread, not a discussion.
You asked for a review.
You got a review.
End of story.
Now get outta here.
Posted: 12/18/2005 3:12:44 AM
|I sure hope you aren't looking with closed eyes, you sure as f*ck wouldn't see much!|
(And that's all I'm going to say about your headline...)
Pictures: I think you need to keep the picture with the red shirt, and one of the pictures with the white background. Not only is the white background practically blinding, but it just looks too homogeneous to have 3 of the same picture. Get yourself 6 more decent pictures with 6 different outfits in 6 different scenes.
I have a problem with the wording of your first sentence... its just not making sence to me, but that could be because I just got home from the bar... read it again and make sure that it makes sense.
Add a description about yourself in the About me section. Pretend that you are on a date with me and tell me everything you think I need to know straight up front. Make it interesting, but keep it fairly straight forward, and don't divulge too much.
So, what you have is a decent base. It just needs a bit more and some *umph*.
Posted: 12/18/2005 3:25:04 AM
|"You won't find nobody else like me!" Where'd y'all learn them english? In the stixs?|
Pictures: Need serious work. We have what, 5 of you in your little home office by your computer? Don't get out much? No decent head shot. No clear pictures... a picture of some poor little bunny being tortured... and a picture of a motorcycle. Wow.
Interests: There are far too many. Stick with the KISS principle. Keep It Simple, Stupid! Include interests which a chick would find interesting.
Profession: And I quote...
I get money
Good for you. I work too. I also earn money. That's not enough said, or we wouldn't have asked. DO NOT INCLUDE lol's in your profile!!! It's not as funny as you think. And it makes you look and sound stupid.
Spelling issues: riding, always, and you forgot to capitalize an I
About me: Its okay. Nothing to write home about. But, I'm sure you can shake it up a bit and it'll go over well.
First date: Lame-o
Posted: 12/18/2005 3:37:21 AM
|Pictures: Not enough variety. Please don't have more than one picture of your Tai Chi. Of the three, the one in the fancy pose with your back to us is the best and clearest, ditch the other two.|
Interests: Stick with KISS. (See recommendations above.)
In your writing eliminate the word "hiya" as it is not a word, and lol's... please!
Your About me section is pretty good, though very long winded. It obviously reflects you tremendously... I don't see how you're going to get a lot of response because you're very... different... but different strokes for different folks. Someday I'm sure you will find a wonderful woman who is of the same... variety, for lack of a better term.
Dislikes: mean people, negativity or pessimism
Sounds to me like we wouldn't get along....
Good luck fishing.
30 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)