Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > How do you spot a "player"      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 will_nevergiveup
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 1
How do you spot a "player"Page 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I'm pretty new to the dating world. I'd love to get some input on "players" and how to spot them. Anyone willing to help? What constitutes a player?
 will_nevergiveup
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 2
How do you spot a player
Posted: 2/18/2006 8:13:36 AM
I'd like to know what the signs are before meeting them? Are they TOO eager? Want to meet right away? How do I make that distinction from out here?
 will_nevergiveup
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 4
How do you spot a player
Posted: 2/18/2006 11:27:44 AM
This is ALL good information! I'll remember your advice in particular "shoe." Here I always thought if they were interested in finding out more information about ME it meant they were genuine. That's not true huh? How about if he repeats the same things over from one conversation to another. Is he just absent minded or confusing me with the rest of the mix?
 Rarefind613
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 5
view profile
History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 2/18/2006 2:51:45 PM
Ok first of all, lets clear something up. There are people out there who don't rush into relationships with needy strangers they met on the internet who have had bad luck with love. There are people who don't want to get involved in committed relationships and take on all your baggage just so that they can have a normal, healthy sex life. And finally there are those who want to sample the merchandise before they invest in the company. People with this world view may or may not be players. The difference between a "player" and someone who is in a "dating" stage in their life is that a player is a hustler, and a liar.

If you want to find out how a person feels about casual sex, ask them. Don't show your opinion first. You'll likely find out their real agenda and act accordingly. If those values are welcome in the conversation, many will admit to having them. If you wear your heart on your sleeve and say you are looking for prince valient, and someone is attacted to you, there may be the temptation to be who you want them to be, and sort out weather they love you later. Play it cool. If you are against casual sex, don't have it.

Last, on an internet dating site, you can always have a friend show an interest and check his reaction. One warning: Lots of people who play the field and take their time commiting eventually fall in love with a special person. People often go through promiscuous stages of life, but that doesn't mean they want to die alone or never have true love or a family. Best way to spot a player is to discuss dating philosophies and past relationships. Keep track of numbers, stories and timelines.
 will_nevergiveup
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 7
How do you spot a player
Posted: 2/19/2006 11:41:18 AM
Wow! I keep learning new things on this website. For instance, I post a question showing my ignorance and viola! I become player bait! The e-mails haven't stopped coming in. Yet ANOTHER lesson I've learned... DON'T tell the whole world you can't distinguish a player from the truly genuine fellas!
 iamadowntownboy
Joined: 12/18/2005
Msg: 8
How do you spot a player
Posted: 2/19/2006 1:48:14 PM
First you got to learn to be a player yourself. Then you play the player to beat them at their own game.
 will_nevergiveup
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 9
How do you spot a player
Posted: 2/19/2006 6:26:40 PM
wow! So much useful information. I also try to remind myself, rather than make excuses for men, explain things away by reminding myself -- depending on his actions -- he's obviously NOT that into me. I've ordered the book. Hopefully it will bring yet more insight.
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 10
view profile
History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 8/16/2007 8:57:33 AM
How do you spot a Player? Focus on the behaviors, not the words. Period.

I don't particularly like the term Player. It seems to have become the standard euphemism for what used to be called...womanizers. In the worst sense, they are con men, and eventually...sociopaths. Their Skill is to figure out quickly just what you want to hear, and then begin telling you that very thing. This is why one should not put too much emphisis on words. BEHAVIORS are what you should watch.

But, in the end.... this is really not about "them", but rather about us. Putting too much focus on other people and not ourselves is what gets us into trouble in the first place. (players) simply capitolize on this.

Remember Mr. Darcy in 'pride and prejudice'. He was not a player. However, because of his stern mannerisms and lack of social skills, Elizebeth thought him so and shunned him. He did not come accross as charming and delightful upon first meeting. But it turned out, he was a Man of great character and honor. I would say, bewares of men who come accross too wonderful and charming right away... as a general rule.
 contrary110
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 11
How do you spot a player
Posted: 8/16/2007 9:31:53 AM
Unfortunately the players who can really hurt you are the ones who don't appear to be players at all. They are so smooth that they just seem charming and wonderful. They're on automatic, but you wouldn't even know it. (Sort of like Ted Bundy, he seemed like the boy next door and he was a serial killer). The ones with the obvious characteristics are trying to be players and we can stay away from. The others are hard to sort out at first. So if you go a litle bit slower, you have a chance to pick up on subtlties. Once the red flags do start to pop up, be ready to say forget it. That's the mistake a lot of us make, by the the time we're starting to question, we're already "hooked". Live and learn though. Did anyone say what their definition of a player is?
 iceicebaby
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 12
view profile
History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 8/16/2007 9:45:24 AM
players
(an americanism, in england they were known as b*****ds till it became popular!) are a pain in the backside as it makes it hard for genuine fellas to gain trust with women whove been there and even after meeting up you could say something totally innocent that he did without knowing, that sends warning bells and your having to explain yourself.
its not one sided tho, are women called players too, or are they cheats and teases? cos fellas are wary too if theyve been mucked about and there are those who do it cos its been done to them which isnt fair.
 rmaeoutlaw
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 13
How do you spot a player
Posted: 8/16/2007 9:43:14 PM
Well,you talk on the phone daily for hrs.,has alot of interest in you,then you meet,don't give in,and you don't hear from him anymore.Call me old-fashioned,and most of the are very good-looking.
 Theonly1!
Joined: 5/1/2007
Msg: 14
view profile
History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 8/16/2007 9:53:45 PM
Are you telling me I can't be a player without a cell phone... DAMNIT!
 Catteyes
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 16
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:58:12 AM
Hey...

I read all the way through this thread and there is great info along with some great sense of humor.

I would have to disagree with the post (with all due respect) on "never taking calls when together". When I'm on a date, that person is my soul priority and would never take a call in front of him, this is just disrespectful. The same goes for making calls or texting while on the date. What are you there for?

If I get calls from my best friends, children, ex (I know I must return this call) that might be important, then I will excuse myself to the bathroom to do a quick follow up.

Respectfully submitted
 transcend
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 17
view profile
History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/14/2007 7:39:35 PM
There are several lessons involved in dealing with people
that use a lack of self awareness to focus on scratching their own itch at your expense

anyone with enough self awareness to possess a conscience isnt going to use others like inantimate objects. ...... ****toys with assets to be exploited

Energy eaters move fast. Thieves have to, But the speed can be relative ,
it just has to be faster than your speed of catching on.

Dealing with this lot makes us all suspicious and sometimes overly wary
Its a punishment we all must deal with , the sins of the selfish scar us all

Vary your own rhythms , focus on watching and don't fall into the trap of thinking that once you invest your time , energy and personal involvement ..that you have no
choice but to continue, stay aware

One technique Ive never seen detailed as such is a favorite
of the more sophisticated soul suckers.
That's to use your own energy against you
If a person can get you into an activity loop and get you to power your own involvment
He/she can just set back and harvest the output while doing little to add anything
Maximum gain for minimal effort
example .. Once someone gets you to let down your barriers , get inside, your vulnerablities to manipulation are weak ( makes sense , we spend more time
reinforcing the outer walls of our spirit) Our trust becomes their toy.
the very fact you have them this close makes it easier for you to make up excuses for their behaviour , rather than examine the details and admit your mistake.
the energy investment and loss increases and they milk you like a cow.
you do the giving, the excusing and soon their boredom with the situation turns the whole cycle into one of further humiliation for their entertainment.. to keep them amused you will have to suffer more. thats the only way you get more attention
Your loop,your downward spiral , your heartache and so damn many still never catch on.. its one excuse after another for stroking the snake and ignoring the venom

Players are fated to die of their own success, becoming nothing but an empty well of want, a hole that can't be filled.. a soul without substance..

wanna see the lamphreys on humanity?
 Catteyes
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 19
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/16/2007 11:19:27 AM
you guys are baddddd! hehe
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 20
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/26/2007 10:21:55 PM
They have a triangular-shaped bald-spot on their foreheads, or a triple six. Love, Titus
 svj
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 21
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/27/2007 10:03:31 AM

A player will almost always agree with you even when u r wrong. A player will stroke you with kindness and appreciation. Lovely words of praise and admiration. How do you discover this before its too late and you are hooked? Guile guile and self honesty. Do you really deserve this great treatment? What have you done for them? huh? good luck and stay alert.



Are you kidding? That's almost the perfect description of the average "Nice guy"!
 svj
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 22
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/27/2007 11:22:13 AM
I f*cking hate these threads.... whinging and resentment and denial is so depressing.
So, in true svj style.... it's time to piss some people off!!
And hopefully help out one or two out of the raging throng at the same time.
I love doing that.
=====================================================

"Player" is just a word like "slut" that a person uses to de-humanize someone who they blame for some emotional pain in their past. These people are very often (dare I say rarely?) not truly the one's at fault.

In this case, (the term "player"), women usually use it to de-humanize an attractive man, not just attractive to her, but to a lot of women. They willingly sleep with him, usually pretty early on, because he's that damn attractive. And if it doesn't lead to a lasting relationship, blame him for it afterwards.

It is a universally known fact (to men) that the vast majority of men will sleep with a woman for her looks alone. (Including most of the ones that claim they won't. They'll unconsciously start projecting "other qualities" on her.)
But most men will not have a relationship with a woman that doesn't bring something else to the table. Some women know this, most do not. Many men have tried telling them this over the years... but denial is a hard wall to climb.

So she sleeps with a very attractive man. For whatever reason, the very attractive man deems that she is not relationship material, likely because she's "nice" but not "special". (If you have a two-line profile, and your only interests are "laughing" and "movies" and "music", I'm likely talking to you.) Instead of a woman asking herself "Why do I need to do or change about myself to become attractive enough to attractive men to warrant a relationship?", she yells out "I slept with him on the first date, and he never called me again!! PLAYER!!! HE WAS JUST USING ME FOR SEX!!!".

The story is a familiar one. She meets a very attractive man. But she sees that many other women want him, too. Thus, she knows her "window of opportunity" is small.
So she looks for a way to land the guy,quickly. Most women use their knowledge of men to her advantage. She knows the shortcut to get his attention real f*cking quick. 99% of guys love sex. If it's offered, and she's reasonably physically attractive, chances are he'll take it.
Problem is... that's what every other woman that wants him is thinking as well.
So what sets you apart from the other hundreds of women that have tried the same, exact thing?

Ask a highly attractive woman. Do you think she's impressed when some Joe on the street comes up to her and tells her she's hot? Hell, no. She still loves 99% the compliments, it's very validating. But it's not going to attract her to anyone. She gets it all the time.

What makes this any different?

Now I say what I'm about to say to "average" and "nice" guys all the time.... and the ladies cheer me on.
Now I'm going to say the same thing to ladies, and I will be villified... possibly banned.
Whatever. I recognize and accept the double standard.
The messenger is usually the first one killed.

Girls, you want to land a guy that is top-of-the-class?
The super-attractive guy that every woman wants?
You want to make that "player" all yours?
Where goes to bed at night, only thinking and dreaming of you?

You know how those "nice" guys that you want pursue you, and you get to pick and choose? With highly attractive men... the ones that have women competing for them... the roles are reversed. He's the "hot chick", and you're now the "nice" guy.

You want one of these guys? Then you better have something to make you stand out above the every other woman, because every woman has a pooter.

Don't be average. Be interesting!
The "average" man is not interesting to a very attractive woman.
The "average" woman is not interesting to a very atractive man.

If you're average... and you really, really want one of these men, stop dating. And go out and become someone special. Build a "special" life for yourself. Then come back.
Don't buy into this "We're all beautiful in our own way!" politically-correct bullshit you've been fed since the cradle. While attractiveness to men certainly begins with looks, it faaaaaar from ends there.

And don't blame the attractive guy, if you don't have enough going for you to keep him interested. That's not going to help you move forward. That's just going to move you to posting sob stories in self-pity pits like these threads. Don't bother calling "Player!" to everyone around. Nobody cares.

This practical piece of street psychology brought to you by svj.

I recognize that there has been an angry tone to this post. Self-pity gets under my skin.

Let the flaming begin!!!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/27/2007 11:37:17 AM

I recognize that there has been an angry tone to this post. Self-pity gets under my skin.


Right on brother!
 Fantome_Slashwrist
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 24
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/27/2007 11:45:31 AM
when they mostly talk about money, income, employment and in some cases their financial troubles, they are a player I find... That's the first thing I watch for.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/27/2007 12:19:58 PM

when they mostly talk about money, income, employment and in some cases their financial troubles, they are a player I find... That's the first thing I watch for.


That's called a loser, not a player.
 Fantome_Slashwrist
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 26
How do you spot a player
Posted: 11/27/2007 1:58:07 PM

That's called a loser, not a player.


I agree, loser too...

I was thinking player in the context that they play a con game for one's money misrepresenting themselves as looking for a date or friendship and or they play it out as having expectations for big money in someone they want to meet.
 Sweet J-me Baby
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 27
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/3/2008 2:57:52 PM
^^^That is so true! They charm you, impress you, encourage you, and pamper you until you've fallen hard for the person. They move on to their next one and it is only then that you realize they are saying and doing the same thing to a number of other people, quite likely at the same time they were playing you. Slowly, they start taking away all the things that made you fall for them in the first place. Yup, I've had it happen to me!

Oh, and the good players on POF do not give out any of their roses!! They wouldn't want the hassle from their 'special ones' who did not receive one!

My question is how long does a good player play somebody before moving on...a week, a month, a year or two ... or do they only move on when they can't handle the emotional attachment?
 Ignoble
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 28
view profile
History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/3/2008 3:11:20 PM
ATTENTION... after reading this topic and trying to put into words how I could contribute to this thread... I realized its just an innate talent of mine to be able to spot players of either gender... Im offering my services here. :) I cant put it into words but if you ever want a profession opinion Id be happy to spot them for you. ^_^
 Ignoble
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 29
view profile
History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/3/2008 6:32:09 PM
Same reasons The Lions suck. There are better players out there.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > How do you spot a "player"