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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?      Home login  
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 bikesnblues
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 1
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Just wondering ...is there anyone else my age who is scared to death of the prospect of dating? For example, I check out these sites, meet some fascinating people, but can't make myself go beyond a certain point! Am I getting too comfortable in this long dry spell???
 egbokuc
Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 2
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 10:58:18 AM
i understand!!!! the ole "just like riding a bike" just does not apply. i've been seperated for almost a yr. my kids kept telling me to try well here i am....I too am just not quite sure how to start...Plan 1:I will email you and maybe that will start the confidence ball rolling for you because we must go forward... I'm sure you there is someone out there just waiting for you
 egbokuc
Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 3
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:00:40 AM
well i was going to email you but you do not accept messages unless they live close by...new friends are waiting to meet you....go for it..good luck
 like2ride
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 4
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:32:22 PM
Yipes!!! That sounds like me too. Separated over 1-1/2 yrs. after 29 yrs. married. Where do you start? Have gotten IM'ed, emailed, etc. ... some guys jump right into the "dirty talk" and I don't know whether to be disgusted or flattered? What's wrong with me? I've been away from this sh*it too long to know how to respond. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth it to even look. What ever happened to getting to know somebody before they expect you to jump them?
 bikesnblues
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 5
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 1:50:01 PM
That is not quite what I meant. I haven't dated for nearly ten years now, and when I communicate with a lady on one of these sites, and it looks like it might develop into a meeting, I back out. I use the excuse "I'm not ready to get into this", but I'm not sure that the real truth is not that I feel I've been out of it so long, it's too late to change my solitary ways.
Not ready?? Beyond ready?? anyone else feel this way after being "in a monastery" for ten years?
 cojo4
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 6
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 2:49:17 PM
Im scared to date,there look at me and try to size me up,
 egbokuc
Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 7
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 3:17:33 PM
DECIDE: if you like being alone so much then why bother with this site,but if you would like to enjoy someone in a closer relationship, be yourself, enjoy the adventure with no expectations. just because a certain amount of time has passed it does not mean you have to have someone. I dont know for sure but if you felt alot for someone you wouldn't be afraid it would feel right,
 lostagain
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 8
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 3:49:14 PM
I'm a huge Chicken when it comes to this Dating business also,I'm not going to agree to meet just anyone ,it really has to click with me ,and at this point in my life I know what I want and I know what I'm able to negotiate. Patience is winning out over the excitement of the game.No regrets over the ones thrown back into the pond
 like2ride
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 9
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 4:57:12 PM
Why does meeting somebody mean that you have to "get into" anything? Just set up
a casual meeting with somebody you've communicated with and feel comfortable with (as a friend, first) .... maybe you also might think about changing your profile from "long term" to "friends" or "dating". Is it possible you're treating each encounter as a possible commitment to changing your ways instead of meeting someone and just enjoying
yourself ?
 kerryokie
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 10
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:02:57 PM



Not ready?? Beyond ready?? anyone else feel this way after being "in a monastery" for ten years?



My last longterm relationship ended badly over 10 years ago, and it was even longer since I've dated. ( I used to have in profile that I was celibate for longer than that, but got too much grief for having stated it, so I took it out and had some fun with my profile.) But yes, Bike, I feel that way, too. I'd much rather be alone than risk getting hooked up with the wrong person in a bad relationship again, something which seems very likely to happen if one is hasty.

In fact, I wouldn't be on this site except for the fact that it's the only one I've seen where there are categories for people with goals other than long term relationships and dating. I *really* want to get to know a person _very_ well from having talked with them in email and on the phone before I'd even consider meeting them. Even then, I'd balk at calling it a date (date seems to imply certain things are expected), but rather a meeting of friends.

I like something Emily****nson once said:

"My friends are my estate."

Could well be that those of us who feel this way are 'fish' out of water-- but to me, it just seems the right strategy for my circumstances, philosophy and temperament. It's been good to hear there are more of us out there.

Thanks,

-Kerry O.
 kerryokie
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 11
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:19:18 PM


Why does meeting somebody mean that you have to "get into" anything? Just set up
a casual meeting with somebody you've communicated with and feel comfortable with (as a friend, first) .... maybe you also might think about changing your profile from "long term" to "friends" or "dating". Is it possible you're treating each encounter as a possible commitment to changing your ways instead of meeting someone and just enjoying yourself ?



I can't speak for Bike, but my experience is that with most people, it's an all or nothing approach. It can start with a friendship, but if after a certain time period, things don't move along, they will move on to their goal of finding someone with whom to sleep. Sometimes it seems that the "Just Friends" approach only works in gay-straight friendships where everyone knows the score and there isn't any sexual tension to strain things.

Too, even if one gets past that (and I have with a very limited number of female friends), there always comes a point where they get involved in intimate relationships, and hanging out with them turns into "Three's a Crowd".
All my friends are currently in relationships, so I end up spending the little free time I do have alone. I was hoping POF would help me to better the odds, but after a few months, I has yet to happen.

-Kerry O.
 bikesnblues
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 12
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:51:43 PM
I thank everyone for their responses to this post, but it's hard to explain my position on this.
Yes, I do want to meet someone for a longterm, exclusive relationship. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life.... the fact that if I need to simply go to a Dr. and can't drive myself home... how many of you have no one to just pick you up when you drop your car off for inspection? It would be so nice to have a life partner to share these things, do for each other, so I look for a longterm relationship, meaning serious. But, I do fear, when share e-mails with someone, that old "first date fear", and at my age it is so much easier to avoid it than to face it, like we did in high school. I guess I am taking the easy way out, but how do you get out of that rut?
 Midnight Blues
Joined: 2/26/2006
Msg: 13
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:54:26 PM
I am scared to death of dating, too. I'm 45. Use to date a lot before I married my husband (together 18 years, but I've had a crush on him since I was 16). I know I'm not afraid of rejection (I like myself just fine).
Could it be that getting to know someone takes a lot of effort and to what end? Breaking up? Finding out they are fooling around on you? That even after a while you don't know them as well as you thought. Too much at stake: finances, blending households, letting someone in your heart, letting them go.
I know I have to start soon. Time is getting by. I am too young to not love again. Too old to be wasting time with someone who toys with me.
Thinking about it sometimes brings me to tears.
Now, I've scared myself--Ha!
Perhaps if I keep it light, respectfully playful?
This site helps a lot. Good luck, bikenblues!
 rosegarden50
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 14
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 6:32:31 PM
Yea, I’m scared too. I’ve looked at a number of prospects that I thought would be interesting, but i=I haven’t emailed one. Come to think of it I was shy the first time around too. Older but no wiser.
 egbokuc
Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 15
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:46:47 PM
maybe treat you pesonal emails with as much insight and honesty as you do in the forum post
Stop stressing long term think friends

Stop thinking first date, think nice friend, " oh you dont mind picking me up at the mechanic, well lets stop and have a bite to eat on the way." thanks
 tesaje
Joined: 1/13/2006
Msg: 16
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well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/6/2006 5:50:19 AM
I go in fits and starts. The real problem is that I can't seem to find anyone who feels like they are a reasonable fit for my personality and talents. It's ok, tho. I'm happy and I do know how awful it is to be in the wrong relationship. I think in a lot of ways, I got tired of the 3 month arc - seeming ok, then fizzles within 3 months. I've read that's the mark when you really get to know someone and the effort to look good starts wearing off. If I found that best friend with a spark, I would like it, but how you find it is not easy. It really never was. And I'm not willing to settle.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 17
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/6/2006 6:32:10 AM
Bikesnblues, you may have to think back to the times you've backed out to really get to the actual *why* of it. I'd say that a good portion of people, our age or not, are a bit hesitant to blindly meet someone they only know from online; it's like a blind date but without even the little bit of security that someone you know also knows this person. And blind dates are stressful enough. But most can get past the nervousness about online dating to meet someone at least once...hey, if I did it, anyone can ;) It was really hard for me to go to that initial meeting, but it didn't kill me; we had a nice talk and though we both were going to get together again but didn't, it only took up a couple hours of my time. Two others I've met from online in the past turned out to be relationships of a longer duration. So one never knows what might happen unless they take the risk...but only you can decide on how much and what kind of a risk you're willing to take.

I understand what you mean about getting comfortable or content with one's solitary ways; but if you truly want there to be a special person in your life, the only way to obtain that is to get out there and meet someone. That doesn't mean you have to meet everyone you talk with; I certainly don't...there has to be some mental connection there for me to actually want to meet the person. But then I was that way when I was in my 20s also; if I didn't feel some kind of connection mentally, then I'd rather stay home with a book than go on a date with someone. If you were the same way, then that may be part of it now. Or, you may simply have gotten so into *not* dating that it's blocking you from trying it again. Possibly if you try a really easy meeting, say at a cafe in a bookstore during the day, they could help you to get over the initial reluctance to meet someone.

You state 'you're not really ready to get into this' - what do you think the *this* is? Just actually going on a date, or do you think one date might mean more of a committment to you or to them? I look at it this way, if both state at the beginning that there are no obligations, if there's no chemistry there's no hard feelings, then all one is really risking is a possible rejection and that's only if one ends up mor einterested in the other person - and while rejection isn't pleasant, it's not going to kill one either...but by not taking the risk, one may lose out on a great opportunity to make a new friend at the least, and possibly a good relationship.

Best of luck to you.
 ABGirlxo
Joined: 2/10/2006
Msg: 18
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well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/6/2006 7:12:49 AM
And there we were yesterday at a PoF's get together for DimSum. And what came up in conversation? How guys in there 40's Plus won't get out of the house and come, letting you meet with "no" pressure. My first time at a PoF's get together. Was Fun
 NefariusX
Joined: 6/6/2005
Msg: 19
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/6/2006 10:22:46 AM
Ya know I have met quite a few women from the internet.....I will admit at first it was hit and miss becuz I am talking about what I call the Dark ages of AOL...."Circa 1997 when you took thier word for it they were female and the picture that took 20 minutes to download was actualy them". The other thing is back then I was actualy embarassed to admit I met with someone from "Online" becuz of all the horror stories I've heard from internet dating I did't want to become another "Statistic" or "Casualty" of this venue. But in time its more acceptable, accessable and you have enuf time to get to know who you are talking to....The webcam, and the exchange of phone numbers are much user friendly than 10 years ago. So you now have all these tools to establish a date with someone and lets be honest here the best place for a first date is always Starbucks or a Park or beach.....Bars are a big No no as far as I'm concerned ( the causlty I was referring too) a movie? Buzz....wrong ....how ya gonna get to know each other if you're involved with the movie and god forbid you try and talk to while I'm trying to enjoy the over priced candy,popcorn and coke and let alone the plotline. A dinner? well maybe for the second date then be prepared to watch how they eat it gives you and idea about thier Hygene...LOL. The point being is....the age doesn't matter its what you are comfortable with...(deja vu?) A survey was taken and 77% of people who are dating are using the internet as the main venue....so it must be working. Just remember take your time and just talk its really cheap unfortunately some of the people on here are cheap too....but thats another story. these are just my opinions but what do I know.
 NiteNurse06
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 20
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/13/2006 1:51:26 AM
bikesnblues
if you find out how to get out of that rut..please share it with me!!!!!

i feel exactly the same way..i was married for 20 years and div now for over 3..i don't want to spend the rest of my life alone..my kids are older now..i tell myself that i am finally ready...i don't date people from work,so..i join something like this and email with some really nice guys, and when i'm asked out i come up with a million excuses why i can't make it..just taking the easy way out too..and i'm not even sure why i am doing that...(pathetic huh?)
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 21
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well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/13/2006 6:50:11 AM
.
So many stories in the forums; a few happy, most whining, a couple informative. However, most of us old enough to have had at least a couple ambles around the block know that many of these accounts need at least a few grains of salt to digest.

The “fear of dating” remarks are very interesting on face value. Months ago I caught an old friend whining about just that here and thought it quite funny. “No more dating,” she said in print here. So, I printed out the thread and invited her to meet me for lunch. That was an interesting conversation, her sitting across the table from me reading that thread. . . .

As one who does not “date,” I suppose I can sympathize with some of the above posters. Sort of, anyway. On one hand, we read a few of the various threads on here and hear all sorts of outrageous bashing and whining. We sure don’t want any part of that crowd. And who among us would want to get mixed up with any of these serial daters bragging here? To us who have become somewhat settled in life, they seem like little more than users. So we look at what gets written here and throw up our hands, not wanting any part of that lifestyle whatsoever. Then someone else expresses a fear of dating in today’s market and we sit back and cop out by saying, “yeah, yeah, that’s me too.”

It’s not, though. If saying “Let’s meet for lunch” is good enough to say to any friend we already have, why is it any less good (can’t believe I wrote that!) to suggest with a potential friend and maybe future dating interest? That’s not “dating,” just talking over lunch.

Another thing I suggest for friends who are newly single is to ease into this dating thing by first joining clubs and organizations because most have a few singles and they tend to do things together as a group. Besides, it’s always nicer when you start out with folks with whom you have something in common.

Stating we have fear of dating is usually just not true. Perhaps it might be better to say that, at our age, we have become very selective and find many of the attitudes expressed by those active in today’s dating market unacceptable. Saying it that way leaves us a little wiggle room for when we finally do find someone really nice we definitely wish to know better.
.
 Dahliakitten
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 22
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well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/13/2006 3:11:19 PM
Yes. I was just like you. Dating is scary. I have answered emails in the past year and then go no further. Sometimes the guy seems too good to be true. I almost avoided a 2nd date yesterday with a very nice gentleman. So different from the all the other scounderals I've dated. Glad I went out with him. He is a sweet person. I like him. One day at a time...
 ksue44
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 23
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/13/2006 4:15:41 PM
Nah, I think the dating scene is afraid of me
 carp eh diem
Joined: 3/5/2006
Msg: 24
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well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/14/2006 2:02:03 AM
Hi, just stumbled onto this thread and felt an urge to comment.

I think it is about keeping the hope alive, you almost have to nurture it, every day.

The thing about it is, one never knows which corner you will turn and bump right into that person, that friendship, that chemistry, that intimacy, that bond, that scent, that tender touch, that love, that we fishes on this site have all shared with someone (even if only for a moment) at some point in our lives. We want another chance, another shot at it, another opportunity, to maybe even do it better this time.

Just once more....
 tkilone
Joined: 12/3/2005
Msg: 25
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/14/2006 8:36:19 AM
Well as one gets older I think that the element of rejection tends to scare one off a bit quicker.
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