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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > SingleMoms being stereotyped.........      Home login  
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 Diggy03
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 3
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Who cares what anyone thinks of any single parent no matter what label or stereotype they choose to give them.

All us single parents for whatever reason we came to be single parents are important in the eyes of our children. The rest of the world can kiss our a$$es, as we raise the next generation.

Grow from all the positive and learn from the negative!!!

Life truly is what you make it.. sometimes it takes a change of perspective
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 6
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/12/2006 8:37:14 PM
melissa and diggy,
it's true, i agree completely, that stereotypes are reality etc., but, i also feel the issues beautiful and sexylegs bring up are important, that single moms get stereotyped in other ways too -- it's not just the men dating them who harshly judge their parenting skills or something, but for example i remember when my kids were in a catholic grade school, the early grades, there were several times i felt as tho THEY (and by extension i) were being stereotyped by their teachers as 'kids from broken homes' and treated differently as a result. it was always as if people thought my kids were a 'problem' or were going to be a problem simply because they came from a so-called broken home.
and this is something that still today, after all this time (i mean my kids are adults now), i feel so angry remembering it -- when they were in high school other parents or some of the teachers would look at me in astonished wonder simply because i had two good kids and the reason for the astonishment was not simply that they were good but because they were good AND from a broken home, AND raised by a single mother. i remember other parents saying to me "oh tell me your secret! how did you do it! what did you do!" and i just could never answer this because i never felt the question was genuinely asked but rather was always in some weird way a backhanded insult.
all this to say, i think this is a real issue we deal with not only in dating but in our lives overall...
ciao bellas!
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 7
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 5:28:06 AM
It drives me nuts when people assume that just because I'm a single mother, that I must be easy, lazy and just looking for a man to support me. I'm looking for a partner, not a father figure. I'm in school and getting straight A's and I'm not easy. It's difficult for me to find time to date much less anything else.
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 8
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 6:38:10 AM
taratara and ontario, i remember saying those exact words to myself so many times while my kids were growing up! :-) esp the part about not needing a man to support us, that was something i did quite well all by myself, thank you very much!

maybe men WANT to think those things because it props them up somehow?
 Diggy03
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 10
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 8:02:36 AM
I must apologize for this post in particular. Yes everything you all have said in the negative aspect is true for some but why complain about something you have no control over? Why analyze an issue like this to death only to be more frustrated by it? Why even bother to focus on and live in the negative?

Ok Spring is here.. do some spring cleaning. Change your outlook. Be more positive and choose to have no use for anyone male or female who has an issue with who you are as a person (being a parent or not). You know who you are and your worth.

It is human nature to categorize and label (positively and negatively) humans, behaviour.. all of life, so as to further our understanding of the world around us. You cannot escape it.. but you can choose how you allow it to affect you.

With that said.. anyone who chooses to come here to use a negative example to further a point they are making is just blowing hot air. Where have I given an example from my life? No where as I choose to not let all the crap get me down. Life is too short to be worrying about others and their behaviours when I have myself and my child to take care of.

In the end it really doesn't matter how any of us came to be single parents. What matters is how we interact with our children and the world around us. There are good people in this world... not everyone is going to look down upon us.

I just wish there was some way to have all of us be positive.

Hugs are free... here ya go everyone
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 11
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 8:28:13 AM
I must apologize for this post in particular. Yes everything you all have said in the negative aspect is true for some but why complain about something you have no control over? Why analyze an issue like this to death only to be more frustrated by it? Why even bother to focus on and live in the negative?


hi! thanks for the hug!!!! right back atcha babe!!!! oooo :)

to try to answer you: because it helps us feel better to discuss these things; it helps us feel better to say it outloud instead of keeping these frustrations bottled up inside; because discussion of these kinds of issues shows us that we are not the only one experiencing XYZ problem and this too makes us feel worlds better; because oftentimes in our lives there are few people we are physically with who understand our single mom issues the way another single mom would understand and therefore for this reason too it is good for single moms to discuss these kinds of things together in a discussion forum like this; because talking about things openly is the first step toward social change of any kind; because having these discussions inspires us and helps to make it so that the next time a guy says something 'stereotypey' to us we feel more confident in our response and rather than responding with silence we respond with: a) a punch in the nose, b) a rant, or, c) another response that is mature straight forward and dignified though similarly honest; because talking is learning and talking is healing and talking is fun...

shall i continue?
 Diggy03
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 12
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 8:34:06 AM
You may continue all you want.... but ONLY if it makes you feel better
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 14
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:59:08 AM

You may continue all you want.... but ONLY if it makes you feel better


diggy! you rock!!!!
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 15
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Posted: 4/13/2006 10:01:31 AM

It makes you feel better to stereotype all men together?


er, um, methinks shadowknight entirely missed the point.

weren't we talking about being stereotyped???? if we talk about this it automatically means we are reverse stereotyping????
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 17
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 10:16:40 AM
oh my!! -- obviously i meant the men who respond in these ways to single moms, not all men.

gimme a break, wouldya?

for you to have interpreted that comment in the way you did is just plain silly. no, i would never and have never said that ALL men do anything, much less stereotype single moms!

of course you can join into the discussion! why so outrageously hyperdefensive???? do you have anything to say about the subject of this thread or are you just here to undermine it and be defensive?
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 18
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 10:40:01 AM
thanks -- that's interesting, subotai, your point about the extended family. that's absolutely right.
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 20
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 12:03:29 PM
i have NEVER said all men do anything. prove it.
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 21
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/13/2006 12:47:10 PM
...you know, i have only been on this site for about a week, and have participated in a handful of discussion threads and am beginning to get the impression that there are a lot of ornery people here, is that right? or at least that there is a lot of tension and bitterness that flies back and forth between men and women, men at women, women at men.

...here is a person telling me i stereotype men (shocking!), and not only have i done that in ONE instance but i seem to do that frequently. that is something i have never done in my entire life; NOT stereotyping any group is one of the things i feel the most strongly about. i do NOT feel that "men" do or are anything -- i don't feel that they are bad, or dishonest, or honest, or good or anything else. they are individuals. i am a diehard believer in the need to see each person as an individual (which is why i recently taught the film Crash in my composition class, because that is one of the key messages of that film). in fact, i have a more positive attitude toward men than most of the women i know in my life. i'm one of the women who, when other women say "all men are **stards!" [which doesn't mean ALL women say that, it means some/multiple women say that!] or somesuch other cliche, i am ALWAYS the one saying "oh that's boloney. there are loads of nice men, just gotta find one."

*sigh*...now here i am only one week on this forum already being accused of having stereotyped men multiple times? something a person who does not know me from adam is repeatedly insisting upon.

wow. just wow.

how do you tell somebody you are not what they have already decided you are? how do you get a person to understand that they have misunderstood you when they refuse even to listen to you? when they insist upon spinning your words in a way you did not intend them? i just dunno...
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 22
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/14/2006 10:42:39 AM
hi n8ive mandy,
first ...you've got it rough but you're spunky and confident and that's ALL you need girl!!!!
you should come to new york city and visit my classes, i have so many students in very similar circumstances. sometimes they bring their kids to class, i LOVE those days. just last week my student brought his kid to class and every time he would raise his hand to participate in the discussion the kid would bust out laughing!!!! it really added a nice spritz of comedy to the classroom discussion, so much fun.
anyway, all this to say, hang in there -- these are the kinds of things that make us strong and wise...
be well!!!!
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 24
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/14/2006 7:01:52 PM

If not, they should really buy some books or take some classes on how to do the basics.


hi brainiac,
good post. yea, it's a problem. the thing is, i don't think there's all that much available to parents in terms of 'parent training.' at least when my kids were little there wasn't. so much of it involves literally flying by the seats of our pants. truly. when i was a new mom i used to wonder why we don't have classes or some kind of training on parenting skills, and not just about controlling bad behavior, but about everything...
cheers!
 sweetgirl81
Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 25
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:40:12 AM
tulette

"But what are your kids doing crawling all over your date?"

i have 2 children who have honestly never known their fathers my son has seen his father a handful of times so when i have a date or even just my friends stop out to my house my son does get excited and tries to wrestle with him. kids do this because they want attention not b/c they dont have manners. my children are very well mannered. but b/c they dont know their fathers the do tend to cling to the man. i make him stop and go play or sit down half the time the guy likes it and will wrestle back with him. dont make a clingy child out to be a bad thing i've dated guys whose children have done the same to me and its fine its not a big deal. kids like attention i accept that maybe you should too
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 27
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Posted: 4/15/2006 6:55:25 PM
hi brainy, i know, and when i was pregnant and having babies i had ALL of the books :-) and read all of them. i meant actual training, learning environments for parenting. i don't know of much of this. now a friend of mine is having kids and she and her hubby did do a few classes together that were about parenting and breast feeding, but it's all a sort of catch as catch can kind of a thing, and also subject to one's budget...
 molly__blooming
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 30
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Posted: 4/18/2006 9:59:06 PM
me too, lil. had daughter when i was 18 and son when i was 19 divorced at 23... i know i know... sucks basically. all we can do is keep smiling.
 bozoforreal
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 34
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 4/24/2006 5:09:10 PM
Hello there... I am a single dad... My daughter is 15-1/2 and lives with me... I have had older woman not want to go out with me because Amber lives with me... they have done me a favor... by their words they have shown me that they are too self centered and too self absorbed... that is what your dealing with... Unfortunately, from what I hear, most guys, who have had their kids, just aren't interested anymore... and it is their loss... but they're not smart enough to even know it...

I would suggest to you, that when you run into a guy that is the way you describe, go over to him and kiss'um... goodbye... and then turn your search efforts someplace else...

Good Luck to all you gals that take care of the kids... and still try and be sexy... you can do it... with the right guy... and that's the rub...

Perry
 MrGordonGecko
Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 37
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/8/2006 11:57:47 AM
Stereotypes exist for a reason. Are they always true? No. Do they have some basis in truth for many people in that category? Often.

If you are in charge of human resources at your company and you get an application from a felon, does that mean the person will be a bad fit for your company? Maybe. Is it always true that felons make bad prospective employees? No. Does that concept have some basis in truth over a range of applicants who happen to be felons? Often. Would any of you start hiring felons indiscriminately en masse so you are not perceived as 'following a stereotype'? Or would you do what most people do and chuck those applications in the trash because the juice is not worth the squeeze? Don't blame men for making the same rationale when they don't want to date you.

I think men are getting 'stereotyped' in this thread. Its the common vibe from single mothers. If you are willing to submit to a single mother and her children under all circumstances - then you must be a 'REAL MAN' If you prefer not to submit to a single mother and her children under all circumstances - then you must be a 'BOY' or 'NOT A REAL MAN'

Here's this crazy idea ladies. A single guy may not know what to expect with a single mother and her children. He might be trying his best but create confusion and discomfort intially. Its a two way street, you can't ask a single guy to adjust to your life and your kids lives without adjusting to his learning curve under such a situation. Some of you women simply are asking for pure perfection right from the start. Under that scenario, would you blame a single guy from saying 'Ok single mothers have alot more issues, probably better if I avoid them as dating options now' ?

Stereotypes exist for a reason. People want to deny them because they are, unfortunately, often based in some truth.
 Dakini2004
Joined: 1/20/2006
Msg: 43
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 3:58:51 AM
hey some of those kids like mine have adhd. its not a matter of control as a need for assistance. my boys are all over the place until their meds kick in. and you know what? sometimes they are still bouncing.

boys bounce. men seem to forget that about themselves as children.

the ones who want children, or don't mind children well, they are the ones to hold out for. you cannot change a person. and one shouldn't push a man into a relationship with their children.

and if they don't like your kids or your kids don't really like them, parhaps you should move on.
 Raeny76
Joined: 7/8/2006
Msg: 44
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 2:22:12 PM
My daughter is very energetic. But if it means she is coming around you...then take it as a compliment... it means she likes you. For the man thats says we should make them behave...let the kids be kids. If you cant deal with an energetic child...dont date single moms. And lets all hope when you have kids...you can tell us the secret to how to get them to calm down! If a man cant deal with me having a child...then I dont need him. I let a man know first off that I have a child and that my child comes first and will always come first. Im not lookin for some man to be a dad to my child...she has one...crappy as he may be...but the package has to be accepted. Im also one of those women that likes for my daughter to meet that person fairly new into the dating. Ill be damned if Im gonna date a man for 6 months and then he cant get along with my daughter...cause Im gonna end up not seeing that man anymore. Ive been told Im wrong for doin this...but I want to know how my child and that man are gonna interact.
 crazychristy266
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 47
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:40:02 PM
i think with dating a single mom u shouldnt bring ur kids in the picture unless things get serious. then its not uncomfortable for the person ur seeing. not knowing what role to be.
 wbishop
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 48
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Posted: 7/9/2006 6:44:21 PM
Ive got to agree with you on that on I am a single dad who had sole custody of my four year old for a few monthes while her mother "found" herself. and often i found people treating me like something was wrong with me because i didnt have a woman in my daughters life. Like it was my fault her mother ran off with a biker 20 yrs older than she is! I have found that alot of the single mothers who complain about not getting guys wont consider a single father why is that??? I personally prefer to date a single mom because we have so much more in common.

and my biggest pet peeve about being a single dad......being in public when my little girl has to go to the bathroom!! she is too young to go into a public restroom by herself and obviously i dont want to take her into a mens room because there is no privacy, everything is just out there for her to see. It is a real nightmare!!!!
 Dakini2004
Joined: 1/20/2006
Msg: 51
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Posted: 7/9/2006 9:35:35 PM
an all out spanking isn't always needed but a choicely placed swat properly times is crutial at times.
I have given said coice swat quick, short, direct with stern words following. the spank is not needed often but sometimes it is needed.
now that my boys know when i mean business all i have to do is say "2" and they go hopping. they hop in fear. i don't mind that they have a touch of fear rather than obeying out of respect... better they fear me and do as i say than make a display of respect yet doing whatever they wish behind my back. and better fear me more than the boogy man or things under the bed or whatever they occasionally try in order to stay up later...
im scared of the dark and im like oh yeah why and they were like theres monsters and im like i'm gonna beat those monsters asses if they bother you so go to sleep. and they did. comforted and confident that the monsters wanted a spanking even less than they themselves would want one.
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