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 couldusecompany
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 1
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ok... I need advice here.

I live with my ex. We moved in after breaking up, and are simply friends now. For this situation, I do not need advice. I've had plenty.

But my problem is that she has been dating a new guy for almost two months now. In the last two weeks, he has been at my place virtually every evening, and stays over almost every single night. Now, because she's my ex it makes things a little awkward and I don't feel particularly comfortable in my own house at times.

Is she being inconsiderate? Is it expected that a roommate can have their significant other over at any time, for any length of time he/she may please?

She's already getting rent cheaper than she would get anywhere else in the city. I've given her a great deal, but I think she's taking liberties here. Any thoughts?
 Summer Teeth
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 2
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:17:08 AM
If you're just a roommate now, then she isn't doing anything inconsiderate--and it's none of your business what she does. I know you don't need advice, but I'm going to give it to you anyway: MOVE OUT!
 knighter
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 3
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:20:26 AM
Id say shes being inconsiderate have you talked to her about it,,if so how did that go? But if you can't get though then make things uncomforable for her as well as the other guy, ,try putting out playboy books on the counter in the bathroom,,or leaving womens,,,GOD im wrong to be posting here,,ill leave you with that but you have the idea, the old saying what goes around comes around. I do bow to you though i could never live with an EX friends or not,,thats got to be a hard situation to be in.
MY thoughts..
and i do belive he said his place !!!
Knighter
 couldusecompany
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 4
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:21:24 AM
Summer: I'm not moving out. I OWN the house.
 lsmatrix
Joined: 2/22/2006
Msg: 5
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:23:55 AM
thats a tough one...well is she with her bf in side her room?? or is she out in the open where u can see them both with out u going to your room...depends on your answer on that one...no I do not think u need to move out..I think that you should just go to your room..and do something thier....invite friends over when something happens like that again...if u have something to do..you wouldnt be worried about her..I can ensure you..BTW iam pretty sure when she has her bf in the house..shes not worried about you...^.^
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 6
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Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:26:40 AM

Summer: I'm not moving out. I OWN the house.

Good point.

Talk to her, tell her how you feel. I mean, after all, she may be paying rent, but you're right, it is your house. If she wants to leave after that, fine.

But, dude, what the hell were you thinking living with your ex???? I mean, I have a great relationship with my ex, but her presence in my home would make me ill.
 Al_Bear
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 7
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:27:50 AM
She's putting the screws to you Buddy. Time to move on.
 daylillies
Joined: 9/26/2005
Msg: 8
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:28:46 AM
sceptic...time to move on bud....an get a place of your own..so you can enjoy ur company an life and your space...shes moved on..hopefully not to make you jealous..either. why you cuttin her slack...shes a big girl...try doin for yourself..do what you need to do to survive.

you could ask her to move out with her new bf.....time she did anyways....dont take any excuses..shes not respectin your privacy either.
 Summer Teeth
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 9
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:30:05 AM
In that case, let her know she needs to move and give her time to move out herself. I can understand remaining friends with an ex, but listening to some other guy making her moan just so you can keep her as a friend is a bit much.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 10
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:33:26 AM
there's something half a bubble off plumb on this one.

has she signed some sort of rental agreement or lease? if so, as the landlord, exercise those legalities.

otherwise, it's ridculous to ask questions regarding this scenario. it's whacked.
 Just_Jay79
Joined: 10/11/2005
Msg: 11
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:36:11 AM
What on Earth are you still doing living with her anyway? If you have the money to own the house you should have enough to pay for it yourself, especially now that you don't have to waste your cash dating her!

Seriously man just give her the boot and reclaim your home, and your dignity

Good luck
 couldusecompany
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 12
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:38:26 AM
"there's something half a bubble off plumb on this one."

That's an awesome line.... gonna have to use that sometime in the future.

No, she has not signed anything. Nor has my other roommate. But I know them both very well, and I did not seem that necessary.

If I ask her to move out, she will. I'm sure of that. But the rent helps from month to month. I'm not actually asking for advice as to whether it would be a good idea for her to move out. The answer to that is obvious. It doesn't help me get the women either, who think it is a little odd I live with her. (Even if there is absolutely no chance of us ever getting back together, or anything like that)

But really, my only question is whether it is acceptable that her boyfriend is basically living at my place. I don't think it's fair, and am not sure I think it would be fair regardless of whether she was my ex or not.
 sexyviper
Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 13
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Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:41:01 AM
kick her out then advertise for a new roommate
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 14
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:43:02 AM
what sexyviper said. if you need roommates to help pay the bills, get a new one, since you gave your X a good deal, you'd likely get more money from someone else.

get your roommates to sign legal agreements ASAP-CYA.
 gmale
Joined: 3/5/2006
Msg: 15
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:44:52 AM
seems fair enough, it is her place too. ask her to leave.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 16
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:45:16 AM
This is the sort of stuff you discuss with someone *before* they move their stuff in, ex or no, and regardless of the amount of rent paid. If you didn't discuss it then, you'll have to now, but you don't have much of a leg to stand on, IMO, because, due to the particular situation, it may come off making you look like you're jealous. If the situation was she had a lot of her friends (female and male) hanging around, that would put a different light on things; but this is a BF, so if you say he's around too much, you look jealous; As far as the great deal on rent, that only makes you a nice guy; it doesn't let you tell anyone how to live their life, especially if the subject of sleepovers or the amount of time an SO spends at the house wasn't brought up in the beginning of the renting situation.

Do you have people stay over at all? If not, then you may be able to have a discussion with your roommate about it and let her know having someone there all the time makes you uncomfortable and you can come to some agreement about it. But if you do have people over, even occasionally, then again, you may not have too much of a leg to stand on.

First thing you should do though is figure out why her having him over makes you feel awkward. You stated it was 'because she's my ex'...but if there's nothing going on with you two, then why would you have a problem? If this roommate wasn't an ex, or was a guy, would you have the same issues if their SO stayed over as much?
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 17
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:46:21 AM
I do think you need some advice. Like Teeth said MOVE!
Luna

Why would you move an ex into your home. It's your home, you shouldn't be uncomfortable. Tell her to pack it up and move in with the new guy. They seem to be sleeping together at your place everynight. I think it's time.
 Summer Teeth
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 18
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:46:30 AM

But really, my only question is whether it is acceptable that her boyfriend is basically living at my place.


You are a more patient person than I am--or more mercenary. I don't know which. Charge the boyfriend rent, too. Perhaps, hourly?
 jumpypants
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 19
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:48:12 AM
sceptik,

I hate roommates for this very reason.

Not sure what the protocol is, but sounds like she has a loser who lives with his parents or something. Is he lurking all over the house or just her bedroom? If he is in her bedroom, then you have less room for complaint.

If not...

I vote you take up the habit of sitting unshaven, in your underwear, drinking beer, scratching your nads and watching TV. A lot. Fart and burp a lot.
 miami77
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 20
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:51:08 AM
Well its her right to have anyone over that she pleases you guys are now just roomys not lovers so if it bugs you to have her boyfriend over maybe you need to explor the feelings you still have for her and if you truly think there are none then ask her to leave and find her own place
 molonel
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 21
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:52:38 AM
Kick her out. Get a new roommate. Move on. It's time. I'm sure, at one point, maybe for closure you felt like this was a good thing. But if it's interfering with your new relationships, while you have to watch her bring someone over night after night, then it's time to drop the hammer. Do it in a nice way, but do it.
 couldusecompany
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 22
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:55:04 AM
Thanks for your comments prolibertate. Finally - a logical assessment.

You're right. I should have discussed it beforehand.

When I dated her, and stayed at her place with her old roomate, I made sure I only stayed for 2 days tops. And not more than 2-3 times a week - maximum. I didn't want to be invading her roommate's privacy. I figured it wouldn't be fair if I basically lived there. But then, I can't assume everyone is going to think the same way I do.

Why does it make me uncomfortable. That's a great question. There are two reasons for this. First, ANYBODY would make me uncomfortable staying there constantly. Even a girlfriend of hers. I don't have a huge place, and 3 people living there is enough. I don't need 4. Especially if he isn't paying rent.

But as is the case with all of my ex's, I still care about her to some degree. Certainly not in love with her, but knowing she is with someone else and I am not is a little weird.

Really, the fact she is my ex isn't a big deal. She's going to be with him in or out of my house anyway. Again, it comes down to the fact that I don't think it's fair for her to be bringing ANYBODY into my house on a constant basis. If it was HER house, then great. But it's not.

Let's take it a step farther. Would it be ok for her to bring a group of her friends to live with me for a few months without asking? Same deal. Just more extreme.

I don't think so. I think there a line of consideration. And my only question in this thread is whether she crossed it already by having 1 person stay constantly.
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 23
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:56:40 AM
It's her home to for now. Why do you think she is being inconsiderate? What if it was the other roommate doing this would you feel the same? That should answer your question.
Luna
 ~iiCe~
Joined: 7/26/2005
Msg: 24
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 9:57:16 AM
one or two nights a week is our rule for sleepovers... anything more than that you might as well live with them.... especially when it gets to the point where he is there when she isn't.... I have had that happen in the past... besides they should be able to go to his place a couple nights too... if they need to sleep together all the time...
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 25
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:00:33 AM
She can't have crossed any line, except the one for common consideration, if the 'roommates rules' weren't laid down and agreed to when she moved in. However, if more of your being uncomfortable comes from simply having anyone around that much, not simply because it's her and her new bf, then sit her down and discuss it, and try to come to some compromise about how much is too much. If she won't compromise, then tell her she needs to look for a new place. She may not realize that you're uncomfortable having a non-roommate there that often. If she is aware of it, and still does it, then she's simply an inconsiderate person and should become an ex-roommate.

Believe me, I know what you mean about not wanting anyone over too much; that's one reason I won't get a roommate. I like not having anyone there unless I feel like it.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?