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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??      Home login  
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 Halfevl333
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 1
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have been married, divorced and been in a bunch of dysfunctional relationships (12) and have no desire to get into any more. And I have no desire to get married again. However, I would like to have an occasional relationship with a woman...

In talking to most women, it seems like they want the security, the long lasting relationship, the white knight on a charger to come sweep them off their feet. Well, I am more a black knight and would rather fight a dragon that woo a maid...

Relationships are way over rated. My ex-wife was very clingy and drove me nuts so I do not want anyone who wants me with her 24/7. Another one of my ex-girlfriends used to get mad if I talked to another woman...even checkout girls in supermarkets..however she could talk to any guy she wanted...she came in one day and told me she was getting married and wanted me to wait just in case the marriage went bad...Right, I will be right here waiting for you... she was the second most normal woman I went out with. The most normal one, shot her husband...so I made sure I didn't make her mad at me ROFLMAO.....

I am used to being alone, but occasionally want to have companionship... It would be nice to be touched by someone and to hold them and they hold me.

So..please explain where I am going wrong here.... I would appreciate any suggestions... Thanks
 Not just a member
Joined: 9/14/2005
Msg: 2
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/27/2006 8:03:08 PM
hmmm, what is wrong with continually borrowing the neighbors lawn mower and never offering anything in return?
 sammysalt1
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 3
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/27/2006 8:23:14 PM
Nothing if your up front about it. Many people think that way, most just lie to people to get it. Atleast your being honest.
 Pleasantron
Joined: 12/6/2005
Msg: 4
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/27/2006 8:50:10 PM
It has been my experience that older women want more than a romantic evening out now and then without a committed relationship. However, there are some who just want to be "friends": no sex. If you want sex, in most cases women want more than slam-bam-goodbye Sam. If you want a sex buddy, they are out there. You just have to look. But if you want both caring love and sex, you are, in my opinion, going to have to settle for a committed relationship.
 Magickman
Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 5
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/27/2006 9:06:17 PM
There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship, but wanting to date. Casual dating is a legitimate desire. One should not expect too much from a non-relationship, though.

If someone wants only casual dating, then it is unrealistic to think that your casual dating partner would invest any more in the non-relationship than you would.

This would be just dating, without any commitment. If that is what you both want, it could work.
 Mesnafugal
Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 6
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/27/2006 11:30:10 PM
I agree... what's wrong with dating... why does everyone want the relationship to be so committed??? When you are committed things change in the relationship. With some I guess it changes for the best but with me.. it just doesn't seem to work that way. I'd rather just keep it light and easy. If I dont' expect anything then I wont' be disappointed when it doesn't work out or my expectations are not met. I'd rather be safe than sorry.
 Sigi
Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 7
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 3:29:24 AM
In my opinion nothing wrong...as long you are open and upfront about it. You asked yourself the question "where I am going wrong here"....Ever try to find out why you end up in 12 dysfunctional relationships?
You see...it takes two to tango!

 detcam
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 8
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 3:29:34 AM
Hell Gibson - if that is your idea of safe sex then you might want to buy some more condoms

And in answer to the post - if you are up front and honest about it - I do not see anything wrong with it.
 detcam
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 9
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 3:32:37 AM
Sigi - you definitely have a good point there
 Mesnafugal
Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 10
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 3:38:28 AM
Well Hell, I didn't say nothing about getting AIDS now did I???
 bigsmile
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 11
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 4:10:21 AM
If you only want to have dinner, watch a movie, take a walk, then you can find plenty of friends who are willing to relate on that level.

If you just want sex, there are discreet services for that.

While some of us give it up more easily then others I think we are all hoping that whoever we are with could be something more ---- if you aren't in the market for ever being something more, then just be honest with the lady.
 PEPPER*MINTY
Joined: 3/6/2006
Msg: 12
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 4:32:41 AM
I feel your pain half and find absolutely nothing wrong with 'not in the market for the long-haul'. At least not right now. People get so nervous about not finding someone to spend the rest of their life with and are so convinced they are going to grow old alone. So, here we all are on this site asking 20 questions and hoping like hell that someone will either give us the right answer or be the right 'one'. Personally, I think my 'soul mate', or whatever you prefer to call him, is on the other side of the planet and if we ever meet, well, i guess that is up to 'fate'? Hmmm...one thing is certain, never force the issue. Failed relationships stem from rash, emotional decisions. I know it sounds cliche, but, love yourself first and others will take notice of this individual so full of life/passion/self acceptance. Of course, a lack of good hygiene might be a deterrent, so, occasionally use soap. Right now, after another emotionally wrenching breakup last year that was only proceeded by other failed relationships(what was i thinking??..do ya find yourself asking that question? ), I have overtaxed my brain trying to figure it all out and have come to the conclusion that I am what I am (good 'ol Popeye) and if I can't enjoy the company of one, then why would anybody else enjoy my company? Uh, oh..here they come Best wishes and have a nice day!
 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 13
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 4:54:37 AM
I think you should simply use a positive approach when you approach. Say "look, I'd really love to enjoy a nice dinner with you, or "it'd be so nice to spend the day together on the boat", or "I know the perfect spot for a pic nic...", etc. Don't say what you don't want to experience because that's very disarming/uninteresting/unappealing and leaves the other person thinking "what's the point?" Present the experience, with the idea of getting to know eachother while doing something you both enjoy...and not the expected "outcome".
We want to make a connection of some sort with the people we spend our time with. If you tell them right off the bat that you only want to date them but not have a relationship with them, then they are most likely going to feel like they'll just be a ship passing in the night unheeded. Indeed, what would be the point?
Be inclusive in your approach, not exclusive. :)

I don't think we should shoot our foot off before we even walk out the door.


PS: OP, that's a very interesting lil screen name you have there.
 bikebowman
Joined: 3/28/2005
Msg: 14
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 5:20:29 AM
Not a thing wrong with just wanting to date.
You may run into some difficulty finding that someone with the same mind set though....not that it is not out there.
Its good you know what you want....stick to your guns...and ummm badge/zz top renegade look.
Cheers
 nosoup4u
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 15
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 5:26:49 AM
Theres nothing wrong with it as long as your honest and upfront from the start about your intentions.
 michchick
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 16
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 5:28:28 AM
There is nothing wrong with just dating. Personally Im sick of it. Im 43 never married Im more then ready to settle down. But your in a different boat then me. Good luck in your endeavors.
 kmhstx
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 17
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 5:47:20 AM
There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want, as long as you are honest about it, and upfront. There are women who feel the same way as you do...they are independant, and are not seeking long term relationships, but would like the occassional compainon to go out and have fun with, and for sexual release. Now there are probably more men than women that are like this, but there are still some women that think as you do. The thing is to find them..not to hurt someone who wants a relationship.
Good luck
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 18
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 6:03:31 AM
I agree there's nothing wrong with just dating. Just make sure you're very clear about what you want. There's always going to be someone out there that thinks they can be the one to change your mind. It sounds to me like those are the women you are getting involved with. Make sure it's a two way street. If you find someone that is ageeable to this idea just like anything else you're going to have to reciprocate when they want a date too. Even though it's just dating there's not going to be too many women that have anyself respect that are going to be your beck and call girl. Like someone said there are services for that kind of thing. With that in mind I think you should be able to find someone that's looking for the same! Good luck!
Luna
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 3/5/2006
Msg: 19
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 6:24:07 AM
If all parties know the ground rules, date on, brotha!!

There was a time I dated 3 women who all liked different things. It worked out well. I had my "concert" date, my "movie" date, and my "sports" date. They all knew about the others, and we had fun that way until some us got seriously involved with other people. They all dated other men, and there wa no jealousy involved.

The term "date" has too many subtle variations to make a concrete statement about it.
 ksue44
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 20
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 6:28:08 AM
I think it really boils down to what your intentions are... You say you want to be "touched" by someone... If you want the physical "goodies", there are folks out there that are willing to provide friendship with "benefits". However, those folks are few and far between..

As what some of the other posts have said, I'm an "older" woman and quite frankly, I'm not sure I want to get married again.. On the same token though, I don't hop in the sack with every Joe, Frank, and Moe out there.. I would expect to be in an exclusive dating relationship if the physical play time is going to enter in the picture. Call me old fashioned, but that's how I am.
 RapunzelRapunzel
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 21
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:09:10 AM
I hear ya and feel EXACTLY the way you do. Three years ago I almost made a major and potentially devastaing change in my life for a man, and in retrospect realize how some of these relationships people clamor for can bite you in the ass. Not getting that man was the best thing to ever happen to me, not because he was such a terrible person, but because outside influences can also ruin things, no matter how much both parties try. I don't want to take that chance right now. But I'm not a bitter man hater and I'm no longer vulnerable and scared. I just want to ENJOY getting to know men without the pressure of the future always hanging over our heads. Most cannot grasp that dating does not have to lead to matrimony. Some people are happy being single, perhaps all their life. I certainly may be, for the rest of mine. Or maybe not. That's my privilege.

It makes me laugh that some people think you can't get aids from going from one seemingly monogamous relationship to another. They all SEEM monogamous and one sweet little bit of husband or wife material can lie about their past just like the rest of 'em. Grown ups take precautions no matter their sexual choices, or frequency thereof. Gets pretty tiresome hearing the assumption that a person is a walking disease factor just because they won't buy into the Ward and June Cleaver myth. It ain't all Ozzie and Harriet, geesh, some folks need to drag themselves into the 21st century.

Rap
 cheekychica
Joined: 11/12/2005
Msg: 22
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:12:29 AM
absolutely nothing is wrong with it.
if you are upfront about what you want right now, then nothing at all is wrong with it.
we are all entitled to wanting what we want.
I have friends that are dating, and say the same thing.. right now, they just want to date.. have a good time.. and dont nessisarily want all the stuff that comes along with a relationship.
I dont think anything is wrong with that.. as long as everyone involved is honest about what they want.. and what they are really looking for. :)
 Bob-32301
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 23
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 10:04:03 AM
to: sammysalt1 on 12/6/2006 Nothing if your up front about it. Many people think that way, most just lie to people to get it. Atleast your being honest.

1. Is it also true a guy may not get what he wants?

2. What is the "it" above?

3. If a guy is considering a reduced affiliation with a woman, what is the
likelihood, this will be desireable to woman. Will he get any takers?


4. "Friends" seems to be the lowest reduced level of affiliation with a woman.

However, how does the guy write what he really wants when he wants a friend who will sleep over a couple of weekends a month?

Basically, do you run a risk to include up front the intimacy you would like? Do women like this or they put off by it.

Do you have any examples we can read?
Does writing explicitly what you want in a friendship for intimacy reduce the likelihood women will respond? Does the answer vary by age group: e.g. women 45 to 55, 35 to 45, and 25 to 35? and women 55 to 65?
 Bob-32301
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 24
What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 10:24:13 AM
Hi Snafu gal,

I am writing to your note Posted: 3/27/2006 1110 PM

Are women expecting reduced features in a friendship?
Will they allow closeness and expansions of touch in a friendship?
Are these things best left out of a profile and held for later discussion.

The friend's profile still must attract women.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 25
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What's wrong with not wanting a relationship but wanting to date??
Posted: 3/28/2006 10:31:58 AM
OP,
Do what's best for you and don't concern yourself with the opinions of others. For what it's worth, I am the same way as you. I like to date, but relationships are not for me. I am honest with those women from the start, but let me tell you that it doesn't matter what you say. Women tend to take that proclamation as a challenge rather than a warning.
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