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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have      Home login  
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 southernmama
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 1
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I am a single mom of a 4 yr old little boy. He is surrounded by other kids with daddy and he has never known his. He has finally reached an age where he is noticing this. He makes up stories about his daddy always being at work to tell the other kids and anyone else that asks but when it is just us he asks where is my daddy/ and when is daddy coming home and why don't i have a daddy? I don't know how to answer him.. the truth is his daddy is a jerk who has a new woman and a new daughter and who doesnt' want to see his son. Hi s father doesn't even think about him he has never called to check on him and the few times he has ever came to my house it has been after my son went to bed so he wouldn't have to see him. But I can't tell any of this to my wonderful little boy so how do I answer him.. What do i say when he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says Where is my Daddy? Please Help Me!!! I'm desperate!!!
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 3
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 3/31/2006 5:47:08 AM
Sweet, very well said!!! I'm making a note of that. =)
 smom2
Joined: 3/26/2005
Msg: 4
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 3/31/2006 6:43:13 AM
I just tell my kids where exactly their fathers are. One's in SC the other in Seattle and we're in Oklahoma. It's not that difficult. When they were that age my ex-hubby was in the Navy, so I just asked them back "where's your daddy?" they said "in the Navy" and that was that. Now they just ask if we can e-mail/call and I say "sure" and we do it and that's that. My kids are used to it now, and don't ask anymore (except "could you tell my daddy xyz?"). He'll grow out of it.
 DonWilliams
Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 5
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 3/31/2006 12:37:59 PM

why is so hard to found a guy when I have a kid

Annie, you have started two threads with this question and your question is not on subject on this thread. I suggest you read the rules if you don't wish to get suspended.
 dare2loveagain
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 6
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 3/31/2006 2:14:12 PM
Hi, its a toughy I have been there ...mine are a lil older now so, I am basicly past that but, when they were young...I told them as much truth as I could...my eldest asked me after I married my ex husband when I was gonna marry his daddy (he was about 6 then) and I told him I wasn't...he asked why...I said...bc your daddy hurt me and I didnt want him to hurt you so I took you far away...the truth of the matter is his father took me unwillingly and the result was my son...I love him to death and don't think I could ever tell him the truth...I was just 16 when I had him so, at 22 thats all I could come up with...he is 14 now and realizes life isnt what everyone wants it to be...

My 12 yr old unfortunately knows his father a littlebit...he has visitation right every other wekend and only sees him once a yr IF THAT! he's a sorry psycho no good drunk...so, my son has seen that his dad doesnt do much for him or even send him Birthday cards...he figured it out the hard way I guess...

My 8 and 10 yr olds know that my ex husband was there father biologically but he has been out of the picture since they were 1 and 3...He had his rights taken away by the juvenile judge...

I had a bf after he was out of the picture and was with him 6 yrs they always called him daddy but, I told them he wasn't there real father and who their real father was...(the basics) but, they realize he doesnt do anything for them either...unfortunately there are a lot of dead beat dads who leave us moms to raise the kids while they go around having more they dont even claim...its sad really...I'd just say tell him the truth as much as you can...not all about dady has a new gf but, that daddy left and he knows where he is if he wants to come see him...kids adapt...he will too...if his father was never abusive...dont talk bad about him just bc he went to another woman...let your son see for himself how much his dad does or doesnt care...its 'bout all we can do...
 SpunkyPector
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 12
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 3/31/2006 6:03:20 PM
I too have two young children & their Mother left us , however to say things that are degrading to someone else is not going to help. Rah you are very bitter and if not put ino check you will unknowingly hurt your own child. Do you feel better treating this lady like crap, does it make u a better person for pointing out those things, I think not.
Think about the things you are saying and even though you may not say them directly to your child they are heard, even by her. Your dislike of this lady who is crying for some type of help to give her a reasonable way to deal is genuine.
Once maybe but come on dude take a break as I'm sure she got your point after your first post, no other bashing was required.
Even though mine left us & even though i know it was not the best thing , they happen & inorder to heal you're going to need to let go..

Now back to the topic.....I agree with others that having both parents known is critical & I hope you see that now. Keep it positive for your children there are far to many negative influences already out there....Things will get better, just beleive.
 southernmama
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 13
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 3/31/2006 6:13:56 PM
Thank you all for your advice...just to clear up a few things I was married to my son's father for two yrs and we had dated for like 7yrs before that. We were high school sweethearts. We didn't fight or have serious issues then he cheated on me and when I told him to stop he left. I found out I was pregnant 2wks later. From the moment I told him he wanted nothing to do with the baby. I have tried on numerous occasions to contact him and to allow him to see his son. He knows where I live and my phone number. He never calls and never comes aroud. He used to come by late at night but he never even asked about our son he just tried to convince me to sleep with him "for old times sake". As a result I have raised our son completely by myself. I am not nor would I ever keep my child from his father. And rah you shouldn't insult people you don't know. Don't judge people until you have walked a mile in their shoes...Thanks again to everyone who gave advice...keep it coming everything helps
 dare2loveagain
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 16
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/1/2006 11:08:37 AM
Seems like you are calling as you see it al the time but arent even reading what was written as a whole...MY 1st son...was the result of rape to be blunt...ok...I wasnt drunk...I DIDNT ask for it ok ...really you should know what you are talking about when u "calls 'em like I sees 'em!" there were 3 fathers since you werent reading it correctly...and 4 children all total...the first father was the rapist the 2nd a violent drunk...and since u seem to have the perfect relationships urself...why is it that u r here if I may ask? Every relationship starts out on whats called a "honey moon period" (even though you are not married) where the guy/gal seems perfect because they are on their best behaviour...I think many can garee with that here...depending on the person that can last a long time or a short time...unfortuantely with my own experience the drunk didnt reveal himself as a drunk untill way into our relationship and his psycho ability...same with my ex husnband...he didnt reveal his true colors until much later either...besides all that when you are young and have already been deprived from "love" by your father unfortunately it sets you up for failure if you do not get help thru a counselor or psychiatrist...and you do seem...desperate or needy...bc you feel that way...I am not perfect...don't know any who are...all I know is when you don't know the full story you shouldn't be going around trying to tell it.
 dare2loveagain
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 17
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/1/2006 11:16:13 AM
Oh ya one more thing...I did get fixed at the age of 22 after my 4th...and u should really know that men like u shouldnt be allowed to breed either bc they have no humanity and all they know how to do is insult everyone every chance they get...yes I have seen many of ur comments all over the forums. I believe it is you who will never be able to offer up good advice on anything bc it takes genuine experience in the situation to offer up good advice.
 dare2loveagain
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 18
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/1/2006 11:31:13 AM
Rah...btw

Yes I am reading the replies...and I know which ones are directed at me...did u read ur replies? what are we supposed to feel bad for you now after you have dissed us all? I feel for your daugheter bc the kind of man with this kind of replies most certainly couldn't potray the right image for his daugheter about relationships in my personal opinion...and also wanted to add on another post you made...that its funny that u would think that I wouldnt ever find the kind of man I am asking for...but, I have had 2 pages of emails in just a weks time...so I am pretty sure you are just soured out by your past and just don't know how to express yourself in a humane way...so I will forgive that...tis sad
 southernmama
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 19
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/1/2006 1:29:14 PM
ok Look I started this thread hoping for a little advice from single parents who had gone through what I am now going through. I did not intend for this to cause an argument of any kind. I appreciate everyone who gave genuine advice for those of you that just used this thread to bash single parents whatever the circumstances well you could have kept your opinions to yourself. And just to set the record straight I have NEVER nor will I EVER bad mouth my exhusband in front of our son. My son can form his own opinions of his father as he gets older I will never try to influence that. I was merely trying to find out the best way to explain to a four yr old that yes he has a daddy but that I have no idea where he is or how to contact him. So thanks to those of you that tried to help and thanks for nothing to those of you that critisied me and the other single parents on here.
 southernmama
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 20
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/3/2006 12:42:15 PM
Thank you for all of your advice and Rah if I misinterrupted your posts then I apologize but I do feel you have been too harsh with the single moms on this thread. I respect the fact that you are being a good dad to your daughter but I think you need to show some more respect to the single mom's that may have made some mistakes in the past but that are taking responsibility for those mistakes by being good mothers to their children and raising them the best way they know how. Stop judgeing all women as if they are the same as your ex...
 dare2loveagain
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 21
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/3/2006 1:36:42 PM
Thank you...and I apologize that I had to reply to stick up for myself its sad that genuine advice couldnt be obtained from his perspective...and that he hasnt admitted any faults as if he is perfect...as Im sure we all know we all have made mistake and at times poor choices but, like I said I did my best at my age to tell my kids what I thought was sufficient enough for them and eventually they do figure it out on their own...its sad bc rah's sole purpose on this thread seems to be for basing single mothers...yet can not say why he is a single father...I dont know but, if he made the perfect choices it would seem to me that he wouldnt be a single dad either so he is in the same boat as all of us...sad he feels he needs to call me an idiot too.. just bc someone has a mental disability as the result of trauma doesnt make them an idiot and even normal people make poor choices whether with whom they choose or with how they go about telling their child what they think at the time is best...remeber not any one of us is given a manual on parenting or relationships so, to continue to blame women on here only shows the level of imaturity there...and Rah...my kids are also very intelligent...and I am mom and dad to them too.also basing someone about spelling could simply be a typo. I know I make then all the time...and I am woman enough to admit that.

Hope you found some of the advice on this thread helpful...remember too that kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for so...even if u dont have an answer for him right now he will figure it out...I think the suggestion from one of the ladies about telling them you are being mommy and daddy right now would be sufficient enough at his age...Take care and good luck.
 dare2loveagain
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 22
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/3/2006 1:43:44 PM
Just a reminder of an old saying

Anyone can be a father but, it takes someone special to be a daddy

Anyone can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a mommy

Anyone can be titled a parent but, it takes someone special to be both mommy and daddy.
 Seeing_Stars
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 25
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/10/2006 1:40:55 AM
The absolute worst thing you could do is to lie to him or spare him the truth because you think he won't be able to handle it. Sometimes, this gives children a false sense of hope when there really is none. My son's father left when I was 2 months pregnant. He has not seen him since he was 2 weeks old and he pays no child support. I tell him that his father is a selfish man who cares about no one but himself. He is not a father but rather, just a sperm donor. I don't agree with parents who tell their children their dads just went away because it gives them a false sense that maybe they will come back for them when they really won't.
 Seeing_Stars
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 26
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:14:19 AM
"Of course when your son gets older, you should tell him the truth. Don't hide anything, my mother didn't bad mouth my father and I really wish she would have...would have saved me a lot of heart ache down the road."

Jenni, I really respect your post. A lot of people here think we should not tell our kids the complete truth for fear that they will not understand and I think that's really not giving kids any credit. They are far more intelligent than we think. My son's father is an ass for walking out on his son and not caring enough to see him, pay child support, or be there for him in any way, shape, or form. Meanwhile, he brags to all his friends and family that he has a son. I've been telling my son that his father is a selfish man and is not really a father but just a simple sperm donor. This way, my son is not disappointed when his "daddy" never comes around.
 lyne76
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 28
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/11/2006 5:52:05 PM
Wow a really simple question at the start really turned into a bit of free for all! But I guess we are all intitled to our opinions.... My son is 9 and his father has never met him. He does pay monthly for that. I would rather my son have his father in his life, but I have a lot of friends with children who's father disappear after the kids know them... and it is devestating and there is no way to explain that away. My son's father is a police officer, with a girlfriend of 15 yrs... yes i can do the math there, unfortun.. I didn't know about her... they had a baby this past sept, and he still does not want to meet him... I am bitter in my son's defense but I can't change his mind and believe meI have tired. So to answer the question... when my son asked I told him that every family was different (our next door neighbours our a daughter and father with no mom) and that he was even luckier than other families becasue I love him 2 times as much and he has a fabulous family , wth Grandpa and Grandma, who spend sooo much time with him and that he is very very lucky, to have a family that loves him so much....

I may not be a great dad, but I'm a kick ass mom.....lol

I believe it is a lot easier to explain away something you have never had than to explain away something that you have
 LOTSALUV4U
Joined: 1/28/2005
Msg: 29
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/12/2006 11:23:50 PM
WOW. I work full time with four year youngens ata daycare and I am a single mother of a much younger lil gurrl!!! However, I have been pondering the answer to the dreadful DAmn question since he messed EVERYTHANG up when we were six months pregnant!! I get that questin from my kids at work as well. My daughter is going to be two in August....writing this is bringin tears to my eyes....and i have finally decided that when the question arises my answer will simply be.."WE ARE BETTER OFF." You will always have a father but daddy made some decisions in his life that didn't make our lifes easier . you will understand a lil more when you get older.

I don't think that there are many ways to put it for a four year old to understand..THe most important thing for you to remember is that there was love there somewhere in the past and to try to not talk down about his father. You have to do whatever it takes to make him know that he is loved and that YOU are not going NE where. I know that with some of my kids in class that are being brought up by just their mother that they fear that since daddy is gone that mommy will leave to . As long as therre is LOVE there is family we don't NEED MEN!!!!

I'm sure you're dating anyway and somewhere out there there is MEN for all us single women who will not only love us someday but FALL in love with our kids as well as their very own!!!! Good luck though...
and if theres nothing that you get from this post ...when you're lil man gets older all i can say is Honesty is the best policy!!!
Lotsaluv4u!!
 LOTSALUV4U
Joined: 1/28/2005
Msg: 30
How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/12/2006 11:26:05 PM
everything you stated is sooo tru and GOOD FOR YOU!!! I have pictuers of him as well but not with my daughter. I hope that i can be as strong but i told myself that the one thing i will not do either wuld be to talk down about him to her!!! I'm glad you wrote that
 sweets1980
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 31
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/14/2006 11:45:31 PM
Its a tough question for a parent to answer. I am a grown woman now but I never had my father in my life and always wanted him. The best I can say is dont say anything negative about your sons father. All my life my mother said negative things about my father and I resent her for it today. We have a very rocky relationship because of it. Does your son no his grandparents from his fathers side? I knew my fathers family and I loved the fact that they considered me part of the family despite my fathers wishes. Just tell him something so that he can understand..
 paul-34
Joined: 2/7/2006
Msg: 32
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/15/2006 4:47:43 AM
I think what my ex could tell my son is....

"Well even though your daddy loves you very much and was there for you since day one, not to mention looked after you morning, afternoon and night for 3 and a half years while mommy was busy working and going out with friends I decided to run off across the province and keep you from your daddy cause I'm a mean and spiteful person".

But of course....she wouldn't actually tell the truth and probably make up some BS that I abandoned him and didn't care about him even though nothing could be further from the truth!!
 paul-34
Joined: 2/7/2006
Msg: 33
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 3:07:34 PM
trust me....this is not something I 'allowed' to happen. We didn't have a 'legal' custody agreement but did agree to split the time with our son (though technically he was with me more.). Then one day she up and left like 900km away and won't let me see him or talk to him.

But trust me, I am not just sitting by doing nothing. I do have a lawyer and am awaiting a court date though it seems to be taking for ever. The date keeps getting moved but I am hoping this is resolved soon.

And if you really must know why she worked and I took care of the child, well its a long story but to make it as brief as I can I will say.... First, she really couldn't handle looking after him but she also refused to leave him with a daycare or sitter....I mean she wouldn't even let him be left with relatives. So when she got a good job it was agreed that I would take care of him. But it seems that as soon as he was old enough to start school she didn't need me around to look after him anymore so decided to just try and cut me out of his life.
 lyne76
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 34
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 3:10:55 PM
I agre that you shouldn't lie to your children, but I don't believe for a second that you nbeed to tell them the truth either. Jenni I think it is extremly harsh to tell a child, "I made a bad choice and ended up pregnant", or to tell them there father was violent, unless he is in jail for such ....Children are perceptive creatures and need to know what is going on around them, but too much information is worse than none at all. They need reassurance that they are loved and wanted, not to be informed why their father or mother, doesn't want them....

just my opinion

 lyne76
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 35
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 4:46:39 PM
Obviously I was not clear in my post, but then I'm not the only one who can occasionally be misinterpreted. Jenni, I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying, but it was worded in such a way that I took a different meaning than you meant.

But I stand by the statement that you can tell a child the truth without telling them the truth, there are things a chhild needs to know, but not necessarily the whole truth. My whole post was not directed at you "Jenni" Except for one line, the rest was in general, you have your opinion, and I am intitled to mine..... glad my opinion was good for a laugh...
 sunnybeaches
Joined: 3/6/2006
Msg: 38
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How do I handle the question..where is my daddy? or why don't I have a daddy too?
Posted: 5/18/2006 6:01:23 PM
My daughter had the same issue when she was smaller. I told her that God had a different plan for her and I. We were a unique family. I went to the library and the children's librarian had lots of books for mommies like me. I could have chose from 15 different books and I live in a small town.

When I read to the book to my daughter she got understood the situation.
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