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Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 1
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!Page 1 of 70    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
This one i heard this mornig from a fellow worker.

Two sperms are swimming. One looks over at the other and says, "I'm exhausted! Are we almost there?" The other sperm looks back at him and says, "Are you kidding? We just passed the esophagus!"

Any good one's you have heard lately.
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 2
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:57:41 AM
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 3
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 2:12:08 PM
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b**ch tonight, Dave."
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 4
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:39:27 PM
a ham sandwich walks in to a bar and says to the abr tender "give me a beer"
the bar tender says to the ham sandwich "i'm sorry we dont serve food here"
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 5
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/7/2006 4:59:51 PM
Prison joke

I have already sent this one out to several here on this 'fish pond' and had favorable responses. To everyone else now, I hope you enjoy.......


A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, now matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you". To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you too".
 Laughter First
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 7
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/12/2006 9:19:21 PM
Jesus walks into a Holiday Inn, tosses 3 nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

A personal favorite of mine...
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 8
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/13/2006 1:14:44 AM
That was funny as shit!!!
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 9
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:53:17 AM
Q. How do rednecks practice safe sex?
A. They spray-paint Xs on the back of the sheep that kick!
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 10
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:56:04 AM

Dating Application

Name _________________
Last First ______________
Middle ________________
Address __________________________________________________
City _________________________ State _____ Zip ___________
Home # _________________ Cell# __________________

Do you live with any of the following: (circle)

Grandmother Parents Mother
Father Girlfriend

Baby Mama Alone Shelter
Wife Auntie Other _________________

Weight _______ Height ________ Ethnicity: Black Hispanic
White Other_________________

Date of Birth ______________ Age ____ SS# _____-___-_________

Any Children (circle yes or no) yes no If
yes, how many _______

How many Baby Mamas? _________

If more than one, please name below. Use sepa rate sheet of paper if need
more room.

1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________

Ever been married (circle ) yes no If yes, how many
times? _______

Are you or have you ever been on the Down Low? (circle one) Yes

Do you owe child support? (Circle one) Yes No Don't Know
*If your ex is getting state benefits (childcare, food stamps, etc), then
you owe somebody something. Especially
tax payers. Stop here and go take care of your dang kids.

*Please use a separate sheet of paper to compile a list of goals and

Did you graduate from high school? (circle one) yes no
Name of high school (if yes)

Have you rece ived any of the following? (Circle One)

GED Diploma Nothing

*If you did not complete any of the above, please stop here and return to

Any college? (circle one) Yes No Still Enrolled

Have you ever been to jail? (circle one) Yes No
If yes, what for? (be very detailed)

_____________________________________ _____________________________________

Have you ever been to prison? (circle one) Yes No
*If you have answered ye s to the above question, please STOP HERE and call
your P.O. immediately.

Employed? (circle) yes no
*If no, please stop here?

If yes, where and how long?

Do you have health insurance? Yes &nb sp; No

When did you last visit the dentist? ______________________________

When was the last time you have been to the doctor?

What for? ______________________________________________________

List any (all) illnesses. Use separate sheet of paper if needed.

Do you have or have you had any of the following? (please circle all that
may apply)

Hep A; B or C Herpes Mononucleosis
HIV/AIDS The Bird Flu West Nile Virus Crabs
Chlamydia Gonorrhea SARS Head Lice Ringworms
Boils A cold S ex Change
Something that you can't spell Meningitis
Mumps Ebola Virus

*If you have circled any of these, do NOT turn in your application. See
the doctor immediately and leave me the heck alone.

Do you or have you ever used (ingested in any way) any of the following:
(circle all that apply)

Crack/Cocaine &nb sp; Heroin Paint Markers

Ecstasy Glue Bad pills
Snuff Anything under the kitchen sink

By signing belo w, you agree that all of the information given above is
true to the best of your knowledge. For my protection, you may be asked
to provide the following information upon request: state ID, birth
certificate, recent payroll stub, a recent clean bill of health from a
certified physician or practitioner. Falsifying information may result in
termination of this relationship (if applicable), and a severe a**
whooping by my project cousins Pookie, Ray-Ray, Darnell, Lil Krazy or all
of the above.

Applicants Signature

Print Name

Date ________________________________________
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 11
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:58:19 AM
>At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the
>side of the
>(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
>We always hear " the rules"
>From the female side.
>Now here are the rules from the male side.
>These are our rules!
>Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
>1. Men ARE not mind readers.
>1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
>You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
>We need it up, you need it
>You don't hear us complaining ! about you leaving it down.
>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
>or the changing of the tides.
>Let it be.
>1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
>And no, we are never going to think of it that
>1. Crying is blackmail.
>1. Ask for what you want.
>Let us be clear on this one:
>Subtle hints do not work!
>Strong hints do not work!
>Obvious hints do not work!
>Just say it!
>1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
>1. Come to us with a
>problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
>Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem .
>See a doctor.
>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
>In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect
us to
>act like soap opera guys.
>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
>Don't ask us.
>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
>1. You can either ask us to do something
>Or tell us how
>you want it done.
>Not both.
>If you already know best how to do it,
>just do it yourself.
>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
>Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
>have no idea what mauve is.
>1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
>We do that.
>1. If we ask what is
>wrong and you say "nothing,"
>We will act like nothing's wrong.
>We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
>don't want to hear.
>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine
>Really .
>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
>discuss such topics as baseball,
>the shotgun formation, or golf.
>1. You have enough clothes.
>1. You have too many shoes.
>1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
>1. Thank you for reading this.
>Yes, I know,
>I have to sleep on the c! ouch tonight;
>But did you know men really don't mind that?
>It's like
>Pass this to as many men as you can -
>! to give them a laugh.
>Pass this to as many women as you can -
>to give them a bigger laugh

Page 1 2 3 4 5 Next Topic >>

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Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 12
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2006 11:32:04 PM
Read this on a business card before.........

That the average woman receives sex at least once every two weeks. Now, considerin' that the average penis is 6 inches in length, and that the average lay requires at least 30 strokes minimum...that on average...a woman receives approx. 180 inches of penis per lay. That's at least 360 inches per month!!! Now, considerin that there is 5280 ft. in a mile, we see that the average woman receives over a half mile of penis per year.So Ladies....If You Are NOT Receiving Your Half Mile of Penis per Year....You're gettin screwed....and didn't even Know It!!!!!
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 13
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/26/2006 6:23:34 PM
Here's one for You Ladies......

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 14
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/26/2006 6:26:32 PM
And now one for the Guys....

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman

may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description

of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors

and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a Particular floor,

or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit

the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to

the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 15
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/5/2006 3:23:24 PM
A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 16
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/6/2006 1:00:15 AM
Always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on thursday
5% on Fridays
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 17
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 8:21:42 PM
lets see... a good joke other than my sex life

a guy walks into a bar, and askes the bartender for 6 shots of tequila, he says to him "im celebrating my first blowjob." "Congratulations" says the bartender, "have anohter one on the house!" the guy then says " thanks, but i have to tell you this... if 6 shots of tequila doesn't get this taste out of my mouth, THEN NOTHING WILL!"
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 18
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/17/2006 9:20:54 AM
this is fun, i love reading this forum!

here is one...

a 40 year old fellow is shopping at the local supermarket, and notices a very attractive younger woman smiling and nodding to him. so he smiles and carries on. later the same woman meets up with him in the check out line, and greets him by name.
he is stunned, cuz he is married and usually can place a name with a face. he says to the lady, 'i just can't remember who you are right now." she smiles and says 'you are the father of one of my children."
he is schocked! he has been married for 15 years and has never cheated on his wife... except that once! so he says 'OMG, you are the hooker ftrom my stag party that I __________ fill in the blanks yourself_____ !!! i can't believe this!!!' and her reply was, 'uh, no! i am your sons teacher!'
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 19
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/27/2006 8:53:24 AM
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out one more year!

Did you hear about the Dyslexic Psychic?
He can tell you what you're going to do yesterday!

What did the deer say when she came out of the woods?
"I'll never do that for 2 bucks again!"
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 21
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Posted: 7/14/2006 2:34:41 PM
This is a long one, so bear with me:

An American, Russian, Cuban, Western Canadian and Quebecer workmen were on the beam enjoying lunch over the ocean.

The American pulls out a cigarette, offers them around, then lights a $100 bill to get his smoke going, when done, he throws it in the ocean. The others are amazed, cannot believe that he does this to money. The American says: "in the US, we have so much money; we just leave it in the street, no need for that bill"

After a little while, the Russian pulls out a bottle of Vodka. Takes a drink, offers it around, and then throws it in the ocean. The rest are amazed, "Eh, in Russia, we have so much vodka, that bottle will never be missed"

A bit before having to go back to work, the Cuban pulls out some cigars, offers them around, and after 2 puffs, and throws it in the ocean. Again the rest are amazed, why waste such good cigars? "In Cuba, the cigars are a nuisance, there is so much, that one will never be missed"

The western Canadian pauses for a sec, looks around, and throws the Quebecer in the ocean.

Je me Souviens
Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 22
Posted: 7/14/2006 3:01:15 PM
Marriage Made In Heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!!It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 23
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/22/2006 9:33:36 PM is a kinda funny joke.........when told correctly.........and in the correct contex, like .........geez I dunno maybe a thread for "dirty/gross one liners"?
I think every one knew what it was suppose to say but if you were so intent on correcting it try some thing like........ both stuck up cnuts or (unts or even Kunts!
Joined: 3/25/2006
Msg: 24
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2006 7:41:20 PM
sick but was lmao when i read these

this one is my fav:

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Joined: 2/1/2006
Msg: 25
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2006 9:00:09 PM
I have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart. In line the check out line a short elderly woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Dumb question lady I thought! On impulse, I told her that no, but that I was starting “The Purina Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't because last time I'd ended up in the hospital. But hey I'd also lost 50 pounds right!

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, heavy guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; what had happened is I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when outta nowhere and I mean nowhere this car hits me - wham.

I still have the slap mark on my left cheek from the little old lady and the tall guy had to be escorted from the store by the Wal-Mart greeter cuz he was laughing so hard.

All in all I’d say it was worth it!
Joined: 6/23/2006
Msg: 26
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2006 11:31:07 PM
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Oh my dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 27
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/14/2006 12:26:01 PM
A short sharp one:

A MAn walks into a bar... after getting back up, he says : "ouch"


A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."


The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
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