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 CuddlyCanuck
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 1
Emotionally disturbed partnersPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ok Mark, you wanted a more serious topic....

Have you ever been involved with an emotionally disturbed partner? Now guys, I'm not talking about a girl that cries a bit or freaks out once a month, and girls, I'm not talking about a guy that has an attitude problem or is obsessed with the size of body parts, his or yours.

I'm talking about genuine psychological problems - addictions, compulsions, delusions...

How did you deal with it? Stay or leave? Help them or run? At what point did you say enough is enough? Were you an "enabler" that supported their problem however indirectly? And if you still care for that person, how do you stop enabling them?

Or are you still with them, and how do you cope?

Just a light topic for discussion...
 storm38
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 2
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 9:26:09 PM
its good to see who the brains of the family is canuck

yes l have been with someone with a problem ,,alchohol
theyshould never have touched the stuff ,it would send her crazy ,very violent
when she was sober you coundnt meet a nicer person ,,she didnt drink all the time ,but when sh did it was ,a barstard of an experience .....
l put up with it and even tryed to get help ,but people with problems dont see them
and in the end after putting up with it for years,our marrioage ended
if she didnt drink we would still be together
 ausglobetrotter
Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 3
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 9:34:05 PM
I do volonteer work helping people who have mobility isses. Basically I drive them around, get them out of the house, be a friend for them. With some very specific boundries and rules of course.

One woman I hep cuts herself. Like takes razor blades to her arms. I have to admit that scares the heck out of me. But I'm not about to just say I'm going to stop seeing her. There's no relationship involved other than a friendship in te professional sense so it's not quite the same. But well I figure some people get depressed, some times they just need some one for them. At te same time I figure that these people eventually need to be prodded along and encouraged to take some action to improve their lives. They can't wallow all the time.

I myself have gone through some shitty periods of life, and even major depression. But I've always thought posative and managed to see better days. You have to think things will get better or else here's no point in going on. You don't want to give up on life because sooner or later things will just get better.

Okay, I'll shut up now.
 CuddlyCanuck
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 4
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 9:35:41 PM
anarchy

by the way, anyone who has the guts to post here deserves a giant hug...except for the ones, and you know who you are, who come in to bag the subject. you get a
 CuddlyCanuck
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 5
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 9:38:43 PM

You don't want to give up on life because sooner or later things will just get better.


you're right ausglobetrotter about that, but sometimes you have to give up on a person, so that your own life can get better.

And congrats to you for the work you're doing - it would be hard, very hard, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to cope with that. So you get a hug too
 Tonys Journey
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 6
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History
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 9:40:26 PM
Canuck,I have been involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder Female.I also see many of these types that my Mate the Psychologist treats.I wish when I was dealing with this BPD Female years ago, that I had the awareness that I do now.
Many of the Personality Disorders cause havoc to the other person involved!!!Many of the Personality Disorders show behaviour such as Manipulation,False Accusations,Lying,Addiction of many types,Black and White thinking,Projection of their Behaviour onto others,Gaslighting-trying to make you believe that you have the problem and not them!!!!Terror of Closeness or intimacy and many other Behaviours.
I feel very sorry for those in a relationship with somebody who has major issues or one of the Disorders.Many People who are in or trying to hold a relationship together with a Disorder sufferer, become so confused and bewildered at the inconsistent behaviour.Their is no stability at all!!!!The only thing consistent is inconsistency!!!!
All of the Disorders of course carry a huge amount of Shame,which causes these People to put up walls and try to keep others at a distance.They fear if they let somebody in close enough to see the real them,they will be rejected and or Abandoned.
People with these Disorders and or Major issues, are a very very hard situation for the other Person to deal with.Imagine this.One Day you are made welcome by the other Person and all is Rosy,but the next Day you are agressively told to keep away!!!That would be rather confusing for most people!!!These types want to get to know somebody and it will proceed alright till the other person feels a certain amount of closeness or connection,this cause the person to then push the other away so they feel safe.Then they see the other Person as getting too faraway, so pull them in again.This Cycle keeps getting repeated as long as the relationship endures.
A line has to be drawn for the sake of the non Sufferer"s emotional wellbeing.In most case"s till the Person with the Major issues has had proper help, nothing will change as their behaviour is recidictive.
 pattiesmith60
Joined: 1/1/2006
Msg: 7
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 10:55:56 PM
I was in an alcoholic marriage for just under 10 years,wasnt till the kids came along that my then husbands alcoholism escalated,couldnt stand it,I left 3.5 years ago and have never looked back.Though I will always have feelings for him after all he is the father of my children,I am totally detached from him and his behaviour.
 CuddlyCanuck
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 8
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 11:03:41 PM
ah, the "totally detached" is the hard bit right patty? hard not to care about the father of your children, and to shield them from his behaviour while still letting them love him.

luckily i have only myself to worry about - don't know how I'd deal with kids.
 alipallyoops
Joined: 4/24/2006
Msg: 9
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History
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 11:45:29 PM
My hubby's brother has a problem with drugs and alcohol - but that's as close as I've been.
He was staying with us for a while so we went to alanon to get some help.

As they said it's only when they decide they've reached the bottom that things will change - you can't change their behaviour no matter how hard you try.

It must be very difficult tosee someone you love destroying themselves slowly - kudos to those who have been there and survived - you are very brave....
 vandy010
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 10
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/14/2006 2:45:32 AM
tonyj, you mentioned a lot of things that rang bells for me.
not all, but some, thankfully, the past is in the past and my patience has returned.
the only thing that was "consistent is inconcistency"!
so very true! i would wake up/get home from work everyday to the "unknown".
most often {my then partner at the time}, the "trigger" was alchohol, but not always, sometimes it could be stress {even over small or fabricated things} or even an article that was read from the newspaper!
i always felt it was something i would be able to overcome or deal with.
very wrong indeed was i.
in the end {this then partner at the time}, the other person rediscovered someone from her past and moved on. it was a difficult thing to let her go but peace has returned to my home,
and needless to say, i'm very wary of anyone that displays a "trigger" type of personality.
a touchy subject for sure! now you all have a slice of my soul,
please learn from it.
 CuddlyCanuck
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 11
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/14/2006 2:51:18 AM
ah Vandy, triggers, there were so many that I had to avoid, like breathing the wrong way, or having the wrong expression on my face.

We seem to have an alcohol theme here - I guess that, and the pokies, are the most common problems. Mine never had a problem with alcohol, but then for an obsessive-compulsive paranoid schizophrenic with addictions to gambling and valium and a tendency to be violent that might have been overkill.
 elli06
Joined: 4/24/2006
Msg: 12
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/14/2006 4:29:33 AM
My kids dad has bipolar, he didnt have a episode while i was with him,its controlled by medication now. Before we got together because of previous screwed relationships he had several mental breakdowns. What he had was grand bipolar when he had a episode he had all the money in the world,he was buying all his mates expensive cars,was buying a helecopter to land in his parents paddok etc then he would fall in 2 a depressive hole. Kind of sad knowing that he was like that. Occasionly while we were together he would have a few down days because of work & being run down but im glad i didnt see him while he was in a bad state it wouldnt be very nice.

I dealt with it by keeping him happy in every way that i could,trying as hard as i could to cut out as much stress as i could. I felt i couldnt make him as happy as i did & sick of getting put down with nearly everything i did, and with a few other unfixable things that happend i ended up leaving him.

great subject
 DJ_Davo
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 13
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/14/2006 11:18:34 AM
I was involved in a relationship with a girl that suffered from depression.. had obsessive compulsive and was potentially bi-polar...

I tried to help her out as much as I could given the situation.. it was really hard a lot of the time tho :(

I tried to understand what was going and at times it was very frustrating... long story short tho she moved interstate..
 netab
Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 14
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/14/2006 7:37:54 PM
I suppose it is a discretionary matter that swings on your judgement as to your ability to cope without endangering your own mental health but if there are kids involved...........?
 oliveshiraz
Joined: 5/15/2006
Msg: 15
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/15/2006 4:35:29 AM
Tony's Journey, great post, and very true.

Personality disorders require professional help, and some, are classified by the professionals as untreatable, meaning, symptoms can be managed by either drugs or therapies, but never completely healed. Having said that, it sounds cruel to abandon someone who's going through Borderline, Bipolar, histrionic or Pathological Narcissism. However, as a romantic partner, it is not the 'healthy' partner's job to become a therapist, as it should be to become an enabler. We can justify and understand, but that doesn't make it better. In many cases, even when the disoredered seeks professional help, the 'healthy' partner (probably not that healthy by then), will fulfill a role that, once the disordered gets better, might not need to have around anymore. It is so difficult, even when the disordered tries to get better. But then, feelings are not rational and we fall in love for many reasons, wants and needs. It's an individual choice where to draw the line. I would say that if anyone is sharing life with a disordered, they themselves should ensure help by means of professional intervention and by making sure that their network of support are strong and compensatory.

Some say that personality disorders are contagious. They are not contagious as in the sense of transmission by a bacteria or virus, but more by having to develop mechanisms to adjust to the 'unstable' person and situations. Chances of intimacy are very short lived, there's no much substance but a lot of intensity created by dramas. It's addictive, and after leaving a relationship with a disordered, a relationship with a 'normal' individual might tend to feel 'boring'.

I think the best one can do when relating to a disordered person it is to offer support when and if they seek to 'heal'. Trying to 'fix' or 'rescue' the insane is insane in itself. It would fall, in my view, within a Godlike attitude that's typical of many personality disorders.

Cheers
(Love the subject!)


 virgogidget
Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 16
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Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/15/2006 6:14:20 PM
Tony J
Thank you for a great topic
As a nurse i deal with these situations alot
I have also worked in mental health and have also been there on a personal level.
I had to walk away
 Buddies_for_real
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 17
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/15/2006 11:26:45 PM
I left the relationship..........rather I was 'kicked out' first, and then I really left.

Depression...nervous breakdown........and a violent tendency, was too much for me to cope with. I really tried, but she wouldn't help herself.
I slept with one eye open, if I slept at all. Like living a nightmare.

Better now....since divorced, and it gave her the push she needed to stabilize her world.
Actually we're friends with respect, but love is long gone.

~Buddie -- Canada~
 Tonys Journey
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 18
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Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/15/2006 11:46:30 PM
Thank"s Vandy,Olive and Gidget.
Firstly Folks,I cannot take credit for starting this Topic as Canuck did.
Netab,raises a very good point,about the situation if there are Children involved.So much more painful,Heart breaking and emotional torment if Children are involved.The children have to be proteced and considered in these situations as their Emotional wellbeing is on the line.The emotional state of a Child, determines how functional or dsyfunctional they are as an Adult.
 oliveshiraz
Joined: 5/15/2006
Msg: 19
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 3:58:55 AM
Absolutely Tony's Journey,

It's not easy to dismantle any relationship in general wihtout effecting and affecting children. They are the pure victims in the picture.

So much has been said and still researched about nature and nurture. I recently read an article from the American Journal of Psychiatry, reviewing 35 years of studies and results. From the nurturing point of view, one would like to give kids a safe emotional environment, where they feel secure to develop into the individuals they are capable of (individuation). From the nature point of view, I also wonder how much is in the genes, or some twist in the wiring? On top of that, we face the socio economic environment, with a mental health system that seems to be failing more often than not.

I think that the person who's the 'healthy' one has a big task ahead, when kids are involved. This partner will need to provide the stability, plus. They have all my admiration, as they will be tied up to deal with insanity for as long as the kids need it. They will need all the support they can get, and get space as well to move on, somehow. They will have to decide what's in the best interest of the kids, a dysfunctional family, or time up, time out from the disordered parent.

And as far as I am concerned:
""My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there are three other people."
~ Orson Wells

 fishinfriend
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 20
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History
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:06:02 AM
Met fell in love and married her 20 yrs happy now.
 Red Queen II
Joined: 12/13/2005
Msg: 21
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:08:03 AM
WoW! What a great Forum!

I really learned a lot in regards to this subject.
For example, someone mentioned: "Gaslighting". I can think of at least two people in my extended Family who "Gaslight" (blaming others for thier irrational & rude behaviour) & then some. I'm far (Oh! So very far!) from Perfect myself, but this topic sure "opened my eyes" on Mental Illness.

I'm always learning something New everyday. Thanks Everyone!
 super_rodent_returns
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 22
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:14:53 AM
emotinally disturbed???
yes I am whenever I think cuddly could have been in my bed!!!!
 CuddlyCanuck
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 23
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 2:46:02 PM
i'm sorry to be the cause of your disturbance rodent - did i tell you i have a tendency to bite?
 super_rodent_returns
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 24
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:13:26 PM
bite? I like it rough but not that rough...come back to the land of ice and snow cudly
oh yah besides that it can reachh 40 degrees celcius here in the summer 90 % humidity ...you can
sweat!!!!!!!!!!!! i like agirl with sweaty breasts and a moist.....my other name is buster hymen
 Polly_G
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 25
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 8:18:53 PM
I tried to deal with one for two years. Then it took another two years to get over the damage he did to me emotionally. I would not go through it again.

If the signs started to appear I would end the relationship.
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