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Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 1
Emotionally disturbed partnersPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ok Mark, you wanted a more serious topic....

Have you ever been involved with an emotionally disturbed partner? Now guys, I'm not talking about a girl that cries a bit or freaks out once a month, and girls, I'm not talking about a guy that has an attitude problem or is obsessed with the size of body parts, his or yours.

I'm talking about genuine psychological problems - addictions, compulsions, delusions...

How did you deal with it? Stay or leave? Help them or run? At what point did you say enough is enough? Were you an "enabler" that supported their problem however indirectly? And if you still care for that person, how do you stop enabling them?

Or are you still with them, and how do you cope?

Just a light topic for discussion...
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 2
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 9:35:41 PM

by the way, anyone who has the guts to post here deserves a giant hug...except for the ones, and you know who you are, who come in to bag the subject. you get a
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 3
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 9:38:43 PM

You don't want to give up on life because sooner or later things will just get better.

you're right ausglobetrotter about that, but sometimes you have to give up on a person, so that your own life can get better.

And congrats to you for the work you're doing - it would be hard, very hard, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to cope with that. So you get a hug too
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 4
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/13/2006 11:03:41 PM
ah, the "totally detached" is the hard bit right patty? hard not to care about the father of your children, and to shield them from his behaviour while still letting them love him.

luckily i have only myself to worry about - don't know how I'd deal with kids.
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 5
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/14/2006 2:51:18 AM
ah Vandy, triggers, there were so many that I had to avoid, like breathing the wrong way, or having the wrong expression on my face.

We seem to have an alcohol theme here - I guess that, and the pokies, are the most common problems. Mine never had a problem with alcohol, but then for an obsessive-compulsive paranoid schizophrenic with addictions to gambling and valium and a tendency to be violent that might have been overkill.
Joined: 5/15/2006
Msg: 6
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/15/2006 4:35:29 AM
Tony's Journey, great post, and very true.

Personality disorders require professional help, and some, are classified by the professionals as untreatable, meaning, symptoms can be managed by either drugs or therapies, but never completely healed. Having said that, it sounds cruel to abandon someone who's going through Borderline, Bipolar, histrionic or Pathological Narcissism. However, as a romantic partner, it is not the 'healthy' partner's job to become a therapist, as it should be to become an enabler. We can justify and understand, but that doesn't make it better. In many cases, even when the disoredered seeks professional help, the 'healthy' partner (probably not that healthy by then), will fulfill a role that, once the disordered gets better, might not need to have around anymore. It is so difficult, even when the disordered tries to get better. But then, feelings are not rational and we fall in love for many reasons, wants and needs. It's an individual choice where to draw the line. I would say that if anyone is sharing life with a disordered, they themselves should ensure help by means of professional intervention and by making sure that their network of support are strong and compensatory.

Some say that personality disorders are contagious. They are not contagious as in the sense of transmission by a bacteria or virus, but more by having to develop mechanisms to adjust to the 'unstable' person and situations. Chances of intimacy are very short lived, there's no much substance but a lot of intensity created by dramas. It's addictive, and after leaving a relationship with a disordered, a relationship with a 'normal' individual might tend to feel 'boring'.

I think the best one can do when relating to a disordered person it is to offer support when and if they seek to 'heal'. Trying to 'fix' or 'rescue' the insane is insane in itself. It would fall, in my view, within a Godlike attitude that's typical of many personality disorders.

(Love the subject!)

Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 7
view profile
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/15/2006 6:14:20 PM
Tony J
Thank you for a great topic
As a nurse i deal with these situations alot
I have also worked in mental health and have also been there on a personal level.
I had to walk away
Joined: 5/15/2006
Msg: 8
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 3:58:55 AM
Absolutely Tony's Journey,

It's not easy to dismantle any relationship in general wihtout effecting and affecting children. They are the pure victims in the picture.

So much has been said and still researched about nature and nurture. I recently read an article from the American Journal of Psychiatry, reviewing 35 years of studies and results. From the nurturing point of view, one would like to give kids a safe emotional environment, where they feel secure to develop into the individuals they are capable of (individuation). From the nature point of view, I also wonder how much is in the genes, or some twist in the wiring? On top of that, we face the socio economic environment, with a mental health system that seems to be failing more often than not.

I think that the person who's the 'healthy' one has a big task ahead, when kids are involved. This partner will need to provide the stability, plus. They have all my admiration, as they will be tied up to deal with insanity for as long as the kids need it. They will need all the support they can get, and get space as well to move on, somehow. They will have to decide what's in the best interest of the kids, a dysfunctional family, or time up, time out from the disordered parent.

And as far as I am concerned:
""My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there are three other people."
~ Orson Wells

Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 9
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:14:53 AM
emotinally disturbed???
yes I am whenever I think cuddly could have been in my bed!!!!
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 10
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 2:46:02 PM
i'm sorry to be the cause of your disturbance rodent - did i tell you i have a tendency to bite?
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 11
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:13:26 PM
bite? I like it rough but not that rough...come back to the land of ice and snow cudly
oh yah besides that it can reachh 40 degrees celcius here in the summer 90 % humidity can
sweat!!!!!!!!!!!! i like agirl with sweaty breasts and a other name is buster hymen
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 12
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 8:18:53 PM
I tried to deal with one for two years. Then it took another two years to get over the damage he did to me emotionally. I would not go through it again.

If the signs started to appear I would end the relationship.
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 13
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/26/2007 5:17:02 PM
I stuck at an emotionally charged relationship once. The longer you stay & try & sort it out & make it better the deeper the hole you dig. In the end they just resent you for your efforts anyway.
You can't force people to seek help if they won't recognise they have a problem. Get out quick
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 14
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/26/2007 5:49:58 PM
I have seen the damage done to someone who lived with a fruit-loop who would lose it and then lash out at women. The physical scars MAY heal over, but those emotional scars may never quite heal again. It disturbed me to hear tales of mental anguish and physical abuse over the smallest things and the constant reminders of no self worth.

Even meeting with her ex scared her to death and standing next to me, she used to cower behind me to avoid his presence. It only took a bit of me setting him straight that got him to know that I hit back unlike defensless women and I had so many opportunities of giving him some of his own back but the best form of revenge was the doubt I placed in his mind about whether I would follow through with my promises.
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 15
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/26/2007 7:19:46 PM
Ex suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and finally an addiction to spending money. Believe she still does to an extent, but she seems alot more controlled these days.
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 16
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/27/2007 12:52:42 AM
My ex-husband has Asperger's Disorder, being married to him was like living in the twilight zone. He had obsessions, compulsions, strange behaviours and was sometimes violent. I was prepared to stand by him and make a go of things but he refused to seek help for himself - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. He refused to acknowledge there was anything wrong with him so has never been formally diagnosed, although I spoke to many different mental health professionals who told me he had the disorder. Even when our eldest daughter was diagnosed with the same disorder (this condition is hereditary) he still refused to accept there was anything wrong with him. I had to make a decision in the end for the sake of myself and my daughters to leave him. Toughest thing I ever had to do.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 17
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/27/2007 5:42:05 PM
^^^^^ wow I think i need to look that up. that sounds like a partner i use to have.
I also left him because I was young and he scared me with the things he did.
He never thought there was anything wrong with him either but he did suffer from depression. And i thought that was why he acted like he did. But maybe it could have been something more
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 18
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/27/2007 8:45:36 PM
Indiegirl, many people with mental disorders suffer from depression and/or other coexisting conditions. My daughter has Asperger's Disorder and AD/HD, she suffers from depression and anxiety also. The world is so stressful for them because they know they are different. ASD people have many sensory issues - e.g the sound of a pencil tapping may be like a gong thundering in their ears, someone accidentally brushing by will be like a violent shove. They don't understand much in the way of non-verbal communication (body language) so most of the time people are speaking a foreign language to them. There are various therapies and behaviour management skills to help them adapt but it all boils down to whether they want to be helped. Early intervention is the key, which doesn't help those adults with the disorder, who are mostly already very set in their ways.
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 19
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:58:59 PM
people with addictions can really bring you down,you can't help them as they have got to want to help them selves.....
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 20
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:18:35 PM
You have to think about what you can live with. I don't mean just you, shelle...but any of us - no matter which side of this sort of relationship you are on.

The sad, sad part is that eventually somebody has to say enough. And mean it. So many of us with emotional stuff will not even see that we have problems....until that happens. Some of us not even then. But not putting up with behaviours that are hurtful, physically or emotionally, is crucial. You must draw a line in the sand. I have done it, and had it done to me.

And I hope that finally, I have found the key that has let me react to fear of being controlled - I so want to be able to behave emotionally as an adult. It took 41 years to work out why I got so fired up (not physically) when I was feeling threatened...but it feels sublime to finally know. And to know what to do about it. I also accept there will be times when old defence mechanisms will kick in...hopefully less and less as I get used to feeling fear and recognising it as an old reaction.

It must have been absolutely exhausting for the people around me, and heart breaking. I can never apologise enough to them for their hurt I have caused. As an aside, I have been doing counselling on and off for years, since I was 18 in fact. Getting 'better' is a life-long process.

Some of you already know my problems arise mostly from being sexually abused for the first 12 years of my life, and being clinically depressed - but I've had successful medication for that for over 7 years. I don't think BDP is my problem, tho I was convinced at one point it might be becausue I went thru a string of dysfunctional realtionships, and sabotaged any good ones that I had - and couldn't seem to stop those behaviours, no matter how much I tried, or how many times I promised myself I would. As a result, I lost the most amazing person I have ever met as my partner - and I regret it to this day. He just couldn't take up the slack any more.

To anyone in a relationship, or with a friend who has signs of this type of strong. Set boundaries and stick to them. Seek help and support - for yourself - they may follow by example, but they may not. It is scary. No doubt.

You do people no favours enabling bad choices that they might make. And it is hard if there are children involved...but you must think about what is best for them...what you want them to grow up as. They see much more than we give them credit for..and they soak it up like a sponge.

I prolly shouldn't have posted all this on a dating site.....
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 21
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:22:00 PM
Re my last comment.......I used to be scewed up but I'm alright now...

Really, I thought it might help somebody else if I was honest about my experiences. I have no shame about the abuse part from when I was a kid...but I carry quite a lot about my ways of coping in my adult life. So it's not easy to disclose....but it feels good to know the truth.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 22
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:34:47 PM
I don't think I have ever been involved with any emotionally disturbed men, though my friends may disagree (zip it Naamah!! )

But I do have quite a lot of emotionally disturbed friends......god they are hard work!!
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 23
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:44:13 PM
Bewitched,i'll give you a hug for that post.I can relate to some of things you mentioned.Nothing like what you've been thru.Your a brave girl,keep going.

Whether you shouldn't of posted this on a dating site Nah,its all good.
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 24
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:03:52 PM
Hug taken, Bucky - god, you've got long arms!

You just do what you have to to get thru the breathe! (I can highly recommend a BIIIIG breath before a dummy spit, btw )
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 25
Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:13:48 PM
I use the turn around and walk away method myself(i'm calm now)
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