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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?      Home login  
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 southbayla
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 2
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Is it worth your time and the spent emotion to go to court?

I'm in a similar situation to you and I've chosen not to do a thing about it because it would be such a psychic drain on everyone involved.
 NoBoundaries
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 6
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/4/2006 10:29:36 PM
1) The child support is not for you, it is for the child, and you have no right wheeling and dealing with the support, regardless how little it is.

2) The very idea that you turned parenting into a bartering system is kinda sickening.

Sorry, not trying to mean, but that is how I read your post.
 NoBoundaries
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 10
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:11:15 AM
trubblemakr - I appreciate that your views differ form my mine - but at your request I reread the OT and still see someone trying to make bargains with their child and money.
 delytful
Joined: 11/8/2005
Msg: 12
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:17:34 AM
Usually, when a couple splits, the courts establish the amount of support. In this state, if there isn't anything ordered, when you do go to court, you can file for up to ten years of back support. That can add up to a whole heck of a lot. Might want to keep this in mind if you are going to bother negotiating with him outside of court.
This guy must be one stellar father if you are so determined to keep him in your child's life. Must be a whole lot to this story that has been left out for that to be the case.
 lee36044
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 16
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:54:10 AM
Dunno if I'd jump at the offer but do know that if I was trying to be any kind of parent ... you wouldn't be having any trouble collecting $100.00 per month anyway. Of course if I wanted to be a parent ... you wouldn't have to worry about how often I wanted the child with me either, you would probably be fighting me in court to limit visits instead of what you face now . Sounds like your childs father is one who likes ta make babies but isn't interested in the hard work that goes into raising them.

Only committing to two times a month for a few hours at a time means he doesn't want to be a parent. No matter what he says about it, that's the bottom line. I raised my son alone because his mother was like that. Trust me ... it doesn't pay to try to "force" someone to be a parent. I've also seen many women force their exes by court order to spend more time with the kids. It never works out unless you just need a baby sitter for free. You are better off going to court, getting as much support as you can, and going on to find someone to replace this idiot in both your and your daughters life. If you do manage to force him to be a parent, it won't be best for your daughter in the long run anyway.

If ya ask most anyone who's grown up in a situation like this, the biological parent who wouldn't be there doesn't hurt them as much as social scientists want us to believe. A good caring step parent is almost always Mom or Dad to the kids that grow up in these situations. They do adjust and often love the step parent more than the "real" parent. As long as you don't force him out of your daughters life, she'll come to understand why things are the way they are too.

And he may come around on this as she gets older and easier to care for also. So do it right. Go to court and get whatever arrangement you reach formalized. Let him be in her life as little or as much as he wants to. And as she grows older and your life moves on ... listen to her about what she wants instead of listening to the ex, the experts, and the courts.

Regards
 River Girl
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 18
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:20:58 AM

I was then told that he "cannot commit to more than 2 times a month".


Then tell him that if thats the case, you cant commit that child support may go up GREATLY according to the courts.

Im all for trying to be the bigger person. However, your child deserves to be taken care of financially AND emotionally.
 River Girl
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 20
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:49:14 AM
What the hell kind of comment is this?

You are asking me what kind of a comment I made, when you stated this:

who should be castrated


**I dont know if this was directed at me or not. If it was, you should read profiles before you speak, as I am a single parent, and have been around plenty others.

I do agree with you that he is selfish and a bast***. Believe me, I have had my bouts with 'deadbeatism'. I found that it isnt worth the heartache, but I do fight for it because I will fight for what is right and just owed to my daughter. You cant get blood out of a turnip, but you can at least start it with the courts, and let it be in their hands. (that was what I was trying to say in my other post).
 River Girl
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 24
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 10:38:05 AM
If you thought that was fiesty.....

Although you cant get blood out of a turnip(I know this), why take it all on yourself? If you arent happy with what he says he can give you (he is being selfish), then take it up with the courts and let them deal with it. They have the power to enforce whether it be garnishment or court enforced.
 1TallMomma
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 25
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 11:35:50 AM
I've never received a dime of child support on my kids and they are 4 and 1 so if I was offered any money I would probably pass out.

He is a major jerk if he doesn't want to see her more, and you're right - she DOES deserve better!
 sexi_jodestar
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 26
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 11:41:25 AM
I agree lady 261.
 Norwegian
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 29
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 1:00:03 PM
Noboundaries; if you call it bartering with money to get a child to have a parent, then more people should go to bartering-school.
 gemini_gurl_83
Joined: 6/5/2006
Msg: 33
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 1:53:33 PM
i no where your comming from im going through the same thing whit my son. Its hard to deal with the stupid sh!t, but your doing the best thing fight for what your child deserves.And well if he dosent want to spend more time with her just make sure she no's mommies always gonna be there thats all you can do.....
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 34
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daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 3:20:39 PM
When my X and I first split, I was so worried he wouldn't spend any time with the kids that I let him hang out here with them after school, friends commented that he was here more than when he lived here. Unfortunately the great effort was more in trying to get me back than spend time with his kids. I haven't had support issues with him but I have with his X-wife and X-girlfriend. Court is only unpleasant if you invest your emotions in the outcome. In your situation, you're not getting anything now so anything you come away with is a positive. Where I live, they award child support based on a percentage of the income so whatever you are entitled to is really a done deal already. The best thing you can try to do for yourself is to detach emotionally from the support and visitation. Go to court and get what is owed to your daughter. Whether you use it for the positive activities you mentioned of bank it for college, it is her money and she deserves it. You can't make him spend more time with her and if you were able to get him to under duress, he might do what my X did when he was "forced" to attend a karate tournament and one of my daughter's dance recitals. He complained so much about both that she didn't remember her father being there, she remembered his complaining about being made to be there when there were other things he wanted to do. A suggestion about greater involvement every now and then is probably going to be as effective as anything else and he probably won't listen. He has illustrated how much time he is willing to spend and you cannot change how he acts. There are times when the kids come home and it takes me two or three hours to peel them off the ceiling but I keep trying to encourage the kids to be patient with him and give him every opportunity to see his kids. Try the serenity prayer, say it as many times a day as it takes to really move from your head to your heart and you will be a better mom for it and she will get so much from you that his stuff is just the cherry on the sundae.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 35
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daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 3:29:27 PM
Obviously since your X-wife is a saint (read the OP about whiny busy single parents), no boundaries, you have never dealt with the anguish you feel when your child's father (or mother) does not care to be involved. The children, even when they know he is a jerk, love their father and want to spend time with him and because children are so smart, they know what is going on even if they do not ask you why their dad is the way he is. This woman is doing something very selfless because she is desperate to do whatever she can to make things better for her child. You seem very quick to judge others when you seem to have an ideal relationship with your X and a good system for sharing time. Most people are not so fortunate. Apparently your parents failed to teach you the art of attempting to walk in another's shoes. Your posts would suggest that she is jacking him up for a ridiculous amount of money rather than VOLUNTEERING to give up all child support if he would only spend some more time with his daughter. The father is the pathetic one and she is trying to be a good mom.
 MelissaMelissa
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 36
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 3:33:08 PM
OP- I dont see anything wrong with your offer. Yes its money for visitation- but to HIS advantage.

My advice- quit playing nice. Take him to court. Its not that big of a deal... be very formal, all through the courts, dont negotiate with him. Let the courts decide whats fair.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 37
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daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 4:24:12 PM
My ex is paying based on his income for our two boys. Unfortunately he does not live in the same city as we do, so his visitation is limited. He does get to town about 3 times a year.

I do have a whine about his visititation while he is in town tho. For example. He was here for 5 wks (Dec 3, 05 - Jan 8, 06) and had his sons for 6 nights. The rest of the time he was too busy screwing his new GF and partying to even bother with them. THAT frosts my buns. I would LOVE for him to be more involved, to see them more often or to have them more when he is in town. Problem is that our oldest has some significant behavioural issues that cause some difficulties that prohibit this from happening more frequently. It takes about 2 wks, sometimes more (depending on how much time they have spent with daddy) to get him back to *normal*.

The other thing that irritates me is that he could put in for a transfer to this city, but chooses not to. In the mean time I'm on my own dealing with every thing. Yeah, the money is nice, but so is having some help. I didn't make these children by myself you know.
 jane50071
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 38
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 4:34:37 PM
Excuse me Noboundries..... but she was trying to get him more involved....not wheeling and dealing. The support is supposed to help take care of the expenses of raising her child. The housing, clothing, medicine, baby sitter, gas to take her places. If the other parent doesn't want to pay his/ her part... then they should have stayed or committed to the other person. Point blank. People just need to stop being pricks to one another and stop being so self-centered.
Take him back to court.... get the child support and pay for a child care provider who WANTS to spend time with your child.
 GradPsyD
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 39
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 5:03:45 PM
What are you hoping to get in court? He may have to pay his $100 a month, but they won't force visitation and even if they did... does forcing him to see her help?? If he only got hit with $100 a month for support it doesn't sound like he's got a job to pay much more to begin with.. so court will likely make the lawyers $$$.

I personally didn't force child support even when it was owed, but kept up with the fact that it was not paid in the event that my ex ever pursued custody.. I do agree he is stupid for not taking the deal, but by not taking such he showed the type of person he really is.
 LookAtMoi
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 41
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:51:39 PM
yes, its not fair, but hey, u really don't have it that bad! My son's father hasn't seen him in 9 months, only pays $20 in child support every SECOND month, and doesn't even call my boy. My boy is 5, and when his father didn't send him a gift, card or a phone call for his birthday in march, it broke my heart... My boy is really upset about it still. Just remember, as long as u are there for ur daughter, that's the main thing! Just remember... $10 a month doesn't even pay for the amount of lunch my boy takes to school!

What ever happens, there is always someone who has it worse. Try to bear this in mind. Also, what's the point in going to court? It's only going to end up hurting everyone more than it needs to!

Chin up...
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 42
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daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/7/2006 7:31:46 PM
Think long and hard before you dissolve his parental rights. I don't know how things function where you are, but in Texas, even if it is a pittance, the father is responsible for supporting the child, whether he chooses to be a part of the child's life or not. Child support is for the children and if you have ethical issues about it, it can be placed in an account or trust for your daughter's education. Once the paperwork is done, it cannot be undone and if something should happen that would impact your ability to be a breadwinner, that small amount of child support could make a big difference. I would just advise that you think and not do something in anger that you might regret later. Kudos to you for wanting to do it alone, just make sure you are choosing what is best for your daughter.
 Deb0329
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 43
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daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/12/2006 4:36:53 PM
Well here is my two cents on this one........

You cannot make someone be a "better", parent emotionally. Its not your choice!!!

You can however hold the other person responsible financially to help support THEIR child/ren....this again too does not mean they will be a better parent emotionally.

You need to define and understand the difference between an emotionally supportive parent and a financially supportive parent. Not every one can or wants to be both, but their inability doesn't make you less of a parent. In the long run you're kids figure out who is who in the end!!!!!!
 Broken_Wings
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 44
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/12/2006 4:59:45 PM
I am not in same situration as you or most of yall on this fourm but i feel sorry for all the single moms/dads who haveing do it alone or even haveing help through the family it is a real shame how, some people do NOT think before they acturly "take the steps"...


"dammed if you do, dammed if you don't."


I agree
 dirtguy78
Joined: 6/4/2006
Msg: 45
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:47:40 PM
Wow a 100 dollars a month? I have my boys every other week for a full week at a time, pay their insurance, and their sports and I still give their mother 840 per month, this guy is a jerk, take his butt to court, its time he owned up to his responsibilities. If he is man enough to do the deed he should be man enough to take responsibility for any actions or consiquences (spelling)? that come about.
 Broken_Wings
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 46
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:53:44 PM
How many of yall would acturly like/love the idea of haveing your baby girl/boy 24/7 never getting a brake and never being able to go and have your time by yourself or even hang out with some friend's, i know alot of people say they would love to be able to see their baby/kids 24/7 but i think some people will change their mind esp if you NEVER! get to do anything or even go places. I am not complaing or nagging because i know that is what being a single parent/mom is all about but i just think parents need a brake every once in awhile, from their kids.
 missmom781
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 47
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/13/2006 3:02:44 PM
I'm in the same boat you are. All I wanted was stupid head to spend time with the kid, but no he has to be a jerk. So I am taking him to court, I'm getting child support and he's getting told to keep doing what hes been doing ie do not contact us. Some men are not so great, so men are super, unlucky you and i got losers, it's ok though
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