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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?      Home login  
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 Verissa
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 1
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Ok I have a delema..as most of us do, but I am down right floored and confused. Today my daughter's father brought her home after his short visit with her, she's always happy to come home total Momma's girl,
It states that he is willing to pay $40 a month child support..down from his already pathetic $100 a month. I've been trying not to be one of those women who grouch about "no child support" I have been biting my tongue and trying to speak to him adult to adult and parent to parent...but this nice girl crap is getting me nowhere fast. So I thought I will give him one last chance..I called and said he could keep his child support I won't take him to court I won't be a **** just come and spend more time with his child..he see's her every couple of weeks for a few hours on a Sunday. I offered him all this freedom in return all I ask is that he makes more of an effort as a parent. I was then told that he "cannot commit to more than 2 times a month". I don't get it at all...

If this offer was made to you wouldn't you jump at it? I didn't want to but now I have to go to court..it's not about the money..but she deserves better, and that lousy $100 a month can pay for Ballet, gymnastics, swimming lessons..and give her something positive to help make up for him not being there. Lesson to us..dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
 southbayla
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 2
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/4/2006 10:00:28 PM
Is it worth your time and the spent emotion to go to court?

I'm in a similar situation to you and I've chosen not to do a thing about it because it would be such a psychic drain on everyone involved.
 dragonfire269
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 3
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/4/2006 10:02:20 PM
If I were you .

I would just set it up find out what days he wants the child and go ahead and treat him like a babysitter so you can get a little break here and now. Try not to focus on something so pointless.
You and your child deserve better, but until he smartens up, don't count on it.
I have 2 little boys and when I get full custody I will only recieve about 260 dollars from their mother. It won't account to anything, but I will be assured that the boys will have a better life.

Try and think of the positives
 Lady261
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 4
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/4/2006 10:04:04 PM
You know what, I had to take my son's father to court cause he wasn't paying me child support after him saying he would on an adult to adult conversation. It sucked and made things worse for a little bit but he's a better father because of it and now I might have to take him back again. I think you might get a lot of results by doing this and I commend you for being such a strong willed woman to be so kind! As far as the two times a month thing, I think you should ask him if he even wants to be around at all cause if he does, then he should make a better effort of being a parent. You two BOTH made this child but if he's not willing to be there for your daughter then maybe she'd be better off without him. Hard as it may sound, but it might be the best way. That's just my opinion.

Personally though I do believe that a child's time with their parent is a very presious one but if he doesn't want to do it then what does that really say to you? I would totally jump on that if I were him (and a guy). I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.
 trubblemakr
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 5
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/4/2006 10:22:18 PM
u know verissa some guys need to b castrated, u are crazy accepting 100 a month and then to let him see her, i mean u went way overboard to b accepting and generous to this guy,he is obviously a deadbeat and i hope ya nail his ass to the wall, it isnt about whther ur being nasty or not , ur daughter and u are willing to accept this lowlife at minimum cost to him and yet he rubs it in ur nose and neglects the daughter he sired, guys like that are just dirt bags,unfortunately alot of em these days are like that. and any rational man would jump at it, heck id jump at it n shes not even mine lol, there is nothing he can do to make up for the neglect and mental anguish hes imposing on u and ur daughter and he deserves what he gets, useless gov wont pass laws to protect children or families these days guess this is another example of society once again crushing the hopes of the people imprisoned by it

ps maybe tell him ya dont need his 40 bux obviously hes morally bankrupt maybe itll buy hima case of beer to wallow in
 NoBoundaries
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 6
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/4/2006 10:29:36 PM
1) The child support is not for you, it is for the child, and you have no right wheeling and dealing with the support, regardless how little it is.

2) The very idea that you turned parenting into a bartering system is kinda sickening.

Sorry, not trying to mean, but that is how I read your post.
 sammys_mom
Joined: 11/4/2005
Msg: 7
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/4/2006 11:40:28 PM
I agree with Lady261, Find out if he really even has an interest in spending time with his daughter, Does he want to get to know her or is he just spending time with her because he thinks he has to. I personally would not want someone speding time with my child that doesn't want to be there. As far as money goes some people obviously don't realize how expensive it is to raise a child. I hope you realize that asking for what child deserves is not being a B**** He is just as responsible as you are for her financial needs, whether he chooses to be around or not.
 trubblemakr
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 8
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 12:15:02 AM
1) The child support is not for you, it is for the child, and you have no right wheeling and dealing with the support, regardless how little it is.

2) The very idea that you turned parenting into a bartering system is kinda sickening.

Sorry, not trying to mean, but that is how I read your post.


umm i didnt feel she was using it as any type of bartering system whatsoever lemme know what u seem to think 100 dollars a month is gonna do to help hers and his child out with, u got some gaul with that post the idea she turned parenting into a bartering system???? give ur head a shake , this would b interesting if u defended that comment and provided a rational idea as to how u got to that point. cause as its read she is trying to get him to see his flesh and blood and she expects nothing from the dog, the bottom line is he is shirking his responsiblity and isnt even making any effort to rear his child,in all truth she is showing a great example as a human being by being understanding beyond belief and affording this creaturerights he isnt earning r deserving, she is raising his and her child by herself and shes prolly working damn hard to do it to. have a lil bit of a heart b4 u make such a pathetic comment again because it really shows your lack of humanity , give her some respect for being a responsible woman and living up to both his and her rresponsibility, she isnt the one that thru everything to the wind here shes the one that stayed and is raising the child

maybe reread this part

I've been trying not to be one of those women who grouch about "no child support" I have been biting my tongue and trying to speak to him adult to adult and parent to parent...but this nice girl crap is getting me nowhere fast. So I thought I will give him one last chance..I called and said he could keep his child support I won't take him to court I won't be a **** just come and spend more time with his child..he see's her every couple of weeks for a few hours on a Sunday. I offered him all this freedom in return all I ask is that he makes more of an effort as a parent. I was then told that he "cannot commit to more than 2 times a month". I don't get it at all...

 jodie1985
Joined: 4/14/2006
Msg: 9
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 4:23:52 AM
i think someone else said it but is it really worth fighten in court over my kids dad hasnt seen her in 21 months guess what she is onyl 21 months lol.i am too busy with other things to worry about his whole what 200-300 maybe 400 if im luckey a month its not worth my time to go to court thats how i see it but thats me i dont really need the extra money .. it could help but its not worth the drama..

if you really need the money witch it sounds like you dont then take him but ask urself if it is really worth the drama of it all
 NoBoundaries
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 10
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:11:15 AM
trubblemakr - I appreciate that your views differ form my mine - but at your request I reread the OT and still see someone trying to make bargains with their child and money.
 Lady261
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 11
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:16:38 AM
Ok see trubblemakr has said it the best, southbayla, noboundaries, and dragonfire269, no offense but you guys don't really see what she's saying!! ESPECIALLY noboundaries! Heck I don't think you even have children with those remarks. As far as Verissa needing or not needing the money is irrelivant! Verissa could take the money that the deadbeat dad (thanks trubblemakr) is giving her and starting a college fund or something towards her future. He NEEDS to be paying her more and being more active!! But keep in mind this goes both ways! If it's a father in Verissa's position I believe that the mother would have to pay and be more of a part of the child's life.

Note to Verissa:

If you don't want to go after this guy for anything (visitation rights, child support, whatever), keep in min dyour daughter can go after him when she turns 18 if she really wants to and as for visitation, if he isn't willing to be around then screw him!! Maybe the best thing for your daughter is JUST you! She'll thank you in the end for being such an awesome woman and protector! Who knows maybe that's all you two should do for now! Just my opinion though.
 delytful
Joined: 11/8/2005
Msg: 12
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:17:34 AM
Usually, when a couple splits, the courts establish the amount of support. In this state, if there isn't anything ordered, when you do go to court, you can file for up to ten years of back support. That can add up to a whole heck of a lot. Might want to keep this in mind if you are going to bother negotiating with him outside of court.
This guy must be one stellar father if you are so determined to keep him in your child's life. Must be a whole lot to this story that has been left out for that to be the case.
 Lady261
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 13
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:19:05 AM
Noboundaries you seem like an idiot!! Sorry to say it that way but you do!! All Verissa is wanting is for her daughter's father to spend more time with her! Explain to me how that is bargaining? As for child support she said she didn't really care. So again explain to me how that is bargaining?
 trubblemakr
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 14
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:25:04 AM
personally i dont find anything wrong with the mom wanting her babies sperm donor to spend time with the baby,its a comletely natural thing any mother would want,it doesnt mean she wants the guy back but she might thiunk her child deserves the chance to form a relationship with the guy.who gives a hoot what the guy wants a childs needs b4 an adults needs are what are most important,and for verissa to actually say ya know what i want u to see your child and im not worried about ur supporting her i think is quite the show of compassion and love towards her child, shes sacrificing her own wants for the needs of a child what could b more unselfish than that?
 Verissa
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 15
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:27:23 AM
I guess in my emotional state I forgot to mention that the $100 is court ordered. We were suppose to go back to court in October but we had agreed to work things out on our own. A few months ago I was sick and it was his day to take our daughter for a few hours, I asked him politely if he’d mind picking her up a potty. She was really excited and wanting to use it, which is cool because she was only 15months old. I was told in no uncertain terms “I give you a hundred dollars a month go get your own damn potty.” And then it was explained to me “his only responsibility is to visit when he has time.”

I wasn’t trying to complain about anything I am just a little confused. We have to do the court thing sadly if he wants to have his support lowered, if he changes it on his own he is going against a court order. Also he is a real-estate agent here, and a very good handyman to boot. There is no logical reason for this situation to happen in the first place. I’m just sad about it, I really thought he was going to try to be a good father. I’m not upset about “us” not working out, we were good esthetically but not functional...kind of like wax fruit...it looks good but try to eat it..EWWWWWEEE.

And no it wasn’t meant as a barter system at all.
And I quite realize the money isn't for me..I said it was for her if you actually read it carefully you'd have noted the ballet ect.

I’m not using her against him I'm not really good at being revengeful, and I don’t need to use him as a babysitter, she’s a wonderful child and I love being with her so if he doesn't want to be around it's no skin off my teeth. Both of my children are wonderful. But I’ve watched over the years as my oldest has cried and has suffered depression because she felt her father didn’t love her as he was never there for her…I didn’t want to see my little one face this as her father only lives less than 10minutes away from us.
 lee36044
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 16
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:54:10 AM
Dunno if I'd jump at the offer but do know that if I was trying to be any kind of parent ... you wouldn't be having any trouble collecting $100.00 per month anyway. Of course if I wanted to be a parent ... you wouldn't have to worry about how often I wanted the child with me either, you would probably be fighting me in court to limit visits instead of what you face now . Sounds like your childs father is one who likes ta make babies but isn't interested in the hard work that goes into raising them.

Only committing to two times a month for a few hours at a time means he doesn't want to be a parent. No matter what he says about it, that's the bottom line. I raised my son alone because his mother was like that. Trust me ... it doesn't pay to try to "force" someone to be a parent. I've also seen many women force their exes by court order to spend more time with the kids. It never works out unless you just need a baby sitter for free. You are better off going to court, getting as much support as you can, and going on to find someone to replace this idiot in both your and your daughters life. If you do manage to force him to be a parent, it won't be best for your daughter in the long run anyway.

If ya ask most anyone who's grown up in a situation like this, the biological parent who wouldn't be there doesn't hurt them as much as social scientists want us to believe. A good caring step parent is almost always Mom or Dad to the kids that grow up in these situations. They do adjust and often love the step parent more than the "real" parent. As long as you don't force him out of your daughters life, she'll come to understand why things are the way they are too.

And he may come around on this as she gets older and easier to care for also. So do it right. Go to court and get whatever arrangement you reach formalized. Let him be in her life as little or as much as he wants to. And as she grows older and your life moves on ... listen to her about what she wants instead of listening to the ex, the experts, and the courts.

Regards
 busygal
Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 17
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 8:55:25 AM
Hey girl, you really don't have a delema as far as I can see. If he wanted to be a parent he'd jump at the chance you are giving him. From what I've read, he doesn't want or deserve the privilege of being a father. Still take him to court and get what rightly belongs to your daughter. Min. $400 a month. Pays for ballet, soccer, whatever her little heard desires. What about that education she's gonna have to pay for when she graduates. Put it towards that. He helped make her, he should help pay for her. Sure they probably do enjoy being together but he sounds like he isn't really making an effort to be part of her life. Seems to be more of a chore than anything else. You know what, if that's how he wants to be then fine. He doesn't seem to want to be in her life but in the end, he will be the one who loses. When she's growing up, just think of all the stuff that he's going to miss because he couldn't be bothered to find the time to get involved in his daughters life. He's the big loser here not you guys. Ya money is tight but there are so many agencies out there who can help. I'm not sure where you are but if you call a Social Services Agency I'm sure they can put you in touch with people who can direct you to all kinds of "low income" programs. Yes, I have a daughter and no she has no contact with her father. Actually he doesn't want anything to do with her. His loss. No he doesn't pay support due to certain phycological circumstances that aren't worth mentioning. However, when you have a great network of friends, family and community behind you for support he's the last thing you need. Who knows maybe someday he'll come around but he's gonna have a lot of damage control to do. Get on with life and leave him in your dust for now. Find someone who will treat you proper and get that little girl involved in something. Who knows, maybe if he sees that you've moved on and aren't "hounding" him about seeing his daughter, he'll change his mind? One can hope can't they?
Good luck.
 River Girl
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 18
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:20:58 AM

I was then told that he "cannot commit to more than 2 times a month".


Then tell him that if thats the case, you cant commit that child support may go up GREATLY according to the courts.

Im all for trying to be the bigger person. However, your child deserves to be taken care of financially AND emotionally.
 busygal
Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 19
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:28:59 AM
Maybe you should get your head out of your a**. What the hell kind of comment is this? She is not using her daughter as a bartering tool. She is a mother trying to provide for her daughter. He can obviously afford to support his daughter he just chooses not to. He is a selfish **stard who should be castrated like was mentioned before. She just wants to be able to afford to let her child do extra curicular activities. SHE is the one who is giving up so much to let HIM see his daughter. SHE'S the one giving up so much just to give HIM the chance to be a father. Which by the way, he is royally screwing up by being so self consuming with himself. You obvoiusly haven't been around many single parents otherwise you never would of opened your mouth and said something so stupid. Spend even a month in the shoes of a single parent and then come back and repeat what you said.
 River Girl
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 20
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:49:14 AM
What the hell kind of comment is this?

You are asking me what kind of a comment I made, when you stated this:

who should be castrated


**I dont know if this was directed at me or not. If it was, you should read profiles before you speak, as I am a single parent, and have been around plenty others.

I do agree with you that he is selfish and a bast***. Believe me, I have had my bouts with 'deadbeatism'. I found that it isnt worth the heartache, but I do fight for it because I will fight for what is right and just owed to my daughter. You cant get blood out of a turnip, but you can at least start it with the courts, and let it be in their hands. (that was what I was trying to say in my other post).
 Verissa
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 21
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:49:36 AM
Thank you all for defending my Parental love here...no need for anger they are his opinion sad and misguided as they may be.

Noboundries: I'm not sure where you came up with those idea's. As I said it's not about the money. Its about my daughter and her needs. I read your profile and see that you have a child/children.

Let me ask you Parent to Parent...Do you spend time with your child/children? Do you love your children? Wouldn't you do anything on Earth to ensure that they have the best life that you can provide? I hope that any parent would look at those questions and say YES! That is all that I am doing.
 trubblemakr
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 22
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 9:54:40 AM
lol ca no it wasnt directed at u lmao sure got ya all fiesty tho lmao
 Okito
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 23
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 10:14:38 AM
My ex and i took the Road less travelled ... we sorted out our own differences( drove the lawyers nutts ...no Money to be made In our divorce . too easy ) . and took a Couple courses in co parenting after the seperation .. for the first buncha years while he( my son) was in her gaurdianship .. I paid My support as set by the courts 300.00/ mo . but always came up with more as he needed it .. the money for camps ... I cannot see how or why any "dad" would not do what is absolutly best for the kid... Now he is a teen and has decided to live with me .. even though she has never been asked to pay maintenance .. she does so as a Given ... Not soo much on a Monthly .. But .. I mention summer camps .. she always says i will pay half .. or his dental bills , Or Field trips .. whatever .. as a result my boy is very well rounded .. becuase we parent Together ..
I wish the Guys .. and gals out there could figure it out .. IT TAKES THE WHOLE VILLIAGE TO RAISE A CHILD
MOM , DAD , GRANDPARENTS , AUNTS, UNCLES .. the whole gambit
it saddens me to think there are Guys who cannot let me rephrase that Do Not Make the time for thier kids
i wish ya all the best on that
Keet
 River Girl
Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 24
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 10:38:05 AM
If you thought that was fiesty.....

Although you cant get blood out of a turnip(I know this), why take it all on yourself? If you arent happy with what he says he can give you (he is being selfish), then take it up with the courts and let them deal with it. They have the power to enforce whether it be garnishment or court enforced.
 1TallMomma
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 25
daddy's and mommies if you were offered this?
Posted: 6/5/2006 11:35:50 AM
I've never received a dime of child support on my kids and they are 4 and 1 so if I was offered any money I would probably pass out.

He is a major jerk if he doesn't want to see her more, and you're right - she DOES deserve better!
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