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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SHE'S CHEATING ????      Home login  
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 1
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SHE'S CHEATING ????Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'm new to this forum, but I'm hoping to get a little help/perspective here from everyone. I ask for your patience as I try to describe my situation to you and the circumstances.

My gut instinct is usually very reliable but in this case it's telling me my girlfriend is cheating on me...I just can't prove it. She swears that she has never cheated on a boyfriend and never will. I haven't come out and actually asked her if she has been - she has only said it in general conversation.

I've been in this relationship for almost a year now. I hadn't been in a long term relationship for a long time before this, only because I hadn't found the right person. We're living together and have been for sometime now. For the last few months I've had a feeling that she may be cheating on me, but I don't have any actual proof - it's just a gut feeling.

It all started with a weekend "girls night out" out of town. Before that weekend she had been emotionally distant for a few weeks - not very affectionate or talkative and when watching a movie she was pretty much on the other side of the couch. Her and a (female) friend ended up arranging to meet a couple friends (male) that lived in town. Now, in all fairness my girlfriend send out an email to several people saying she was going to be in town if any of them wanted to get together. It just ended up being that only one actually met her there. Did she try to reach the others while she was in town? I dunno. Out of character for her, she called me at midnight that night to see how I was doing. Readers digest version... she was distant before she left and after one overnight away came home with gifts for me and had the same enthusiasm as if we had just started dating only lasted for a couple days then things slowly went back to the way they are now.

I worked an odd shift at work for several days and I was out very early in the morning. I noticed when I got home that "Private calls" were showing up on the call display in the mornings during the times I wasn't there and now that I'm back on a normal shift they've stopped all together.

She also started getting a little more dressed up for work than usual and was wearing some pretty nice perfume (different than the usual). This went on for several weeks, but seems to have stopped for now but I suspect only because in a conversation I mentioned I noticed a change. She has also been working later than usual at work. And yes, the sex life has diminished significantly. Actually, it seems that on the days I suspect she's cheated, she doesn't have sex with me.

Am I being paranoid and just looking for things? Does it mean anything that her hair was down before she left work for lunch and in a ponytail when she got back? And when I saw her, the very first words out of her mouth were, "notice anything different about my hair?". Trying to diffuse the situation before it is a situation?

Question, why would my girlfriend ask me on the morning she's going to a seminar at a hotel, the last time I was checked for STD's? AND why would she make a point the next morning in saying that she's really curious about what the rooms look like and that we should get one there sometime - only after I asked her if she had found the thing she missing the morning of the seminar. She said she found it in her car, but I told her I had already checked and that it wasn't there the morning she left. Then she brought up the "curious about the room" comment. I admit it could all be innocent, but by saying that is she trying a little too hard to make it seem like she hasn't seen the inside of the room? So, was this thing she said she found in her car really given back to her at the hotel by someone? Actually this is the second time it happened. The other time was a few weeks ago, she said she had forgotten something in her car and I wanted to surprise her and get it for her. I checked for it and sure enough it wasn't there. Yet when she got home after work I asked her if it was where she left it in her car, she said yes. Maybe I missed it and it was right in front of me...but twice (several weeks apart)?? Really?

There's so much more to explain...expressions, conversations, tone of voice. Is it a coincidence that when I notice these things happening and ask a few subtle questions that she starts to talk more about our plans together and changes the topic?

One last question, a thread all to itself I'm sure...what kind of lie is a relationship stopper? If your significant other was friends with someone of the opposite sex, and you asked your significant other if they ever dated that person and they said they hadn't but you know they have, how serious is that lie?

Part of me says this is all bullshit and nothing is happening but the other part eats away at me. You'd think she would end the relationship if she was cheating. We've had conversations about cheating because I've been cheated on before and I asked her to just end the relationship if she ever cheats. Her argument is that if a person cheats once (because there can be some odd circumstance) and feels really bad about it (and never does it again), why say anything and ruin the other persons happiness. I told her I'd want to know no matter what. Plus, honestly, I've never cheated and I can't think of any "odd circumstance" that I'd cheat on her or anyone else.

Thanks for reading this far - I know it's long. Hope to get a little feedback.
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 2
Posted: 6/20/2006 11:10:37 AM
well, you can assume or you can act. if you believe she is let her know and ask her if she's cheating. it should be yes or no, not why? or what're u asking for. yes or no and make you decision from there. if u decide to leave dont tell her it's because she's cheating especially when you dont know for certain. Just suggest that you give each other some space. see how she reacts.
Joined: 9/3/2004
Msg: 3
Posted: 6/20/2006 11:14:03 AM
None of us know the lady in question and it's hard to guess at that sort of thing. If I were in your place? I'd be worried aswell.
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 4
Posted: 6/20/2006 11:17:50 AM
From the sounds of it , you know she is cheating.. How many smoke signals do you need to
tell you your house is on fire....
So what are you gunna do ? YOUR woman is out shagging everyone but YOU ...Hows that make you feel?
Your the only guy in town not sleeping with your girlfriend....That must really suck....

Just joking, how would anyone but her be able to tell you?
Well if she is cheating the other guy could...

Good luck with this
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 5
Posted: 6/20/2006 11:22:41 AM
I'd trust your gut, and see if there is any way to get actual "proof". All the instances you mention sound all to familiar, too many coincidences in my opinion. Just because you had the "if you ever feel you will cheat, leave first" talk, doesn't mean it happens that way. I know that one from experience.

Asking her at this point will do no good, she will deny it, if in fact she really is cheating. You need to act, and this is the hard part, like you know nothing and suspect nothing. That will allow her to let her guard down, and if somethiing is up, it will be easier for you to find out. This sucks and I am sorry you're going through it, unfortunately our gut instincts are rarely wrong.
Joined: 3/26/2005
Msg: 6
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Posted: 6/20/2006 11:30:25 AM
Maybe she's like a lot of women with long hair and her hair was getting on her nerves and she pulled it up... I do it all the time. So that one is out of the equation.

Maybe when she was out of town she missed you, so she bought you some presents and showed you she missed you then things got back to normal. My ex-husband did that all the time when he'd be out to sea. Turned out after our 1 year anniversary he started cheating, but before that he wasn't. I'd be distant to him before a trip from day 1, coping mechanism.

STD's: maybe she read something about them not showing up for some years and got concerned...

The things in the car: that's cause for alarm.
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 7
Posted: 6/20/2006 11:55:16 AM
Yeah no sense in asking her, your going to get a no, if she is or not. I agree that you should be the best actor you know how to be and pretend nothing is bothering you. She will let her guard down. You can do a few things to get proof. Tell her your going on the odd shift again at work, and actually just book the day off work, and then show up back at home during the time you think she is cheating. Its a little devious, but it will tell you the truth. Show up at her work to surprise her for going out for dinner, just become less predictable. If she is cheating on you, one reason will be you've become predictable enough for her to get away with it. If you don't see anything, then forget about it and never bring it up again.

But when loose ends don't tidy up without an elaborate explaination for a long enough period of time, its usually the worst case scenario.
 Beautiful Deviant
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 8
Posted: 6/20/2006 12:05:47 PM
I'm not sure I have the answer you're looking for...I can only offer up this piece of wisdom.
There is no room for mistrust in a loving relationship. It is better that this happens now while the relationship is young, than later when you have given all of yourself to someone who is not deserving.

This is a quote I like, it's a good reminder about what love is...and isn't.

Love is very patient and kind
Love is never jealous or envious
Love is never boastful or proud
Love is never haughty or selfish or rude
Love does not demand its own way
Love is not irritable or touchy
Love does not hold grudges and
will hardly even notice when others do it wrong
Love is never glad about injustice, but
rejoices whenver truth wins out
If you love someone, you will be loyal
to him/her no matter what the cost
You will always believe in him/her,
always expect the best of him/her,
and always stand your ground in defending him/her.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- (from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 )
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 9
Posted: 6/20/2006 12:30:04 PM
But I like naughty love
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 10
Posted: 6/20/2006 1:09:59 PM
The hardest thing is to act like nothing is happening. I don't know if I can act like I'm ok. Half the time my stomach is in knots. I agree this is the best way and let her feel like all is well and maybe if I'm lucky she'll let her guard down. Part of the problem is that I suspect it's someone at work. Having said that, I also think if anything will happen it'll be there after hours or perhaps at a seminar in a hotel? I really just need proof either way and like Ponie said, if she was cheating, the other guy could tell me - at this point it would be a relief to know and I'd welcome him to tell me...and set me free.
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 11
Posted: 6/20/2006 1:13:44 PM
you could always place a tracking vice on her lol seriously dont assume ask her , as for the setting you free comment kinda sounds like you might want out anyway
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 12
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Posted: 6/20/2006 1:16:53 PM
She's cheating.
Joined: 6/18/2006
Msg: 13
Posted: 6/20/2006 1:21:39 PM
As the old saying goes, where theres smoke theres a fire, either you ask and find out or keep on eating at your self wondering whats going on, isnt it better to know and deal or do with it as you see fit or just keep it to your self and let it drive you nuts, id explain the whole thing to you and if she goes off on you and walks out of your life theres also this sayin that the guilty are the first ones that get pissed and leaves with out reason, you said she said with her arugment that if a person cheats once and never does it again why say anything, my sayin is if a person cheats once.........once a cheater always a cheater if you let them get by with it.
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 14
Posted: 6/20/2006 1:21:57 PM
I think at this point asking her, I'll get a "no" either way. "Setting me free" comes from having to think about this all day and stare at the ceiling as I lie in bed at 3am unable to sleep. It would just be a relief to know either way just so I can put it to rest once and for all. I love her and I want to know she isn't cheating but I also don't want to live a lie.
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 15
Posted: 6/20/2006 1:32:08 PM
hey ive been cheated on.. would never do that to someone either... your gut is right. all those things seem pretty reasonable to say she is cheating. but as love is you dont want to let go of her or the memories or what you have so you need proof so you know you didnt just flush it down the toilet over nothin. this is what i suggest if you need proof.. surprize her at work for lunch see how she reacts.. or even who she glances over at while your there. or what guys look over at you. the ones that come over to say hey or introduce themselve arnt gonna be the one. its the one that looks nervous and avoids her. but i bet those guys that come up to the two of you are the ones that could comfirm for you. if she says she doesnt have time.. (cuase she will say that) so go wtih the boys. have a beer talk about the long hours and the hotel seminars... but if you think its at work. it could be. go there check it out.. make it seem romantic and whim like. so it cant back fire on you that your spying on her. good luck sorry for the situation.... good luck.
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 16
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Posted: 6/20/2006 1:47:48 PM
The only thing we know for sure is that you SUSPECT she's cheating. Whether she is or she isn't, I think this relationship may be doomed.

If you go the sneaking, spying route and find out she IS cheating, you'll be miserable.

If you find out she ISN'T cheating, well, you basically don't trust her and the whole sorry saga will probably repeat itself the next time she does something "suspicious." So, you'll still be miserable.

If she realizes you don't trust her, she'll spend her life walking on eggshells, and you'll both be miserable.

If she's cheating, you're better off without her. If she's not cheating, she's better of with you. Actually, you're both probably better off without each other, no matter what the truth about your suspicions are.

I'm sorry.
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 17
Posted: 6/20/2006 1:59:39 PM
I guess that's it in a nutshell...all we do know is that I SUSPECT her of cheating. That alone may be enough to end the relationship. I've always said relationships are built on trust and respect and if either of those are missing then you don't really have the foundation to maintaine a strong relationship. I could choose to accept all this and let the whole thing go...I just can't imagine a lifetime of this kind of doubt. Funny thing is we've already talked about marriage and looked at rings (very recently) - who cheats AND still does that??
Joined: 2/1/2006
Msg: 18
Posted: 6/20/2006 2:04:47 PM
if she doesnt feel as "tight" as she use too.....somebdy else is hittin it.....!!
 Bob EIT
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 19
Posted: 6/20/2006 2:39:53 PM
Your situation sounds very similar to what I went through right before my divorce. One thing a secretary at work told me was that if she has new sexy underwear or lingerie she is cheating.

While I never had any actual proof of my ex cheating on me, the first night that I had moved out the man I suspected of her cheating on me with spent the night with her.
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 20
Posted: 6/20/2006 3:13:44 PM
I hate it when I get that feeling but then I have to do something about it.....Here's what you can do. On the high end you can install a gps on her vehicle. :) A little less expensive? You can tap the phone sooooooooo easy. Just go to radio shack and get a telephone recording control. It's the next best thing to reading someones mind! If she's cheating...she's talking about it to someone!
 The Magician
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 21
Posted: 6/20/2006 3:40:07 PM
Get another call display and hide it somewhere. She will delete any calls that are dangerous, and your secret one will tell you the deletes. Worked for me, I confronted her with the calls from a "friend", and all hell broke loose. She was moved out the next day, because I drove her to his home and left her there..
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 22
Posted: 6/20/2006 3:42:07 PM
Jeez! well I think that everything can be talked, I mean u need to tell her exactly what u feel cuz maybe shes not cheatin on u, maybe she lost interest or maybe shes insecure about something but u really need to talk with her and try to stay cool.
Sorry to tell u I've been in that situation b4 and that time she was cheating on me and if u find out she is dont close the trust door, u might find a woman who really apreciate u but it wouldnt be fair if after this u start thinking everybodys gonna lie to you.
You guys really need to talk.
take care man and good luck
 The Main Thing
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 23
Posted: 6/20/2006 6:00:24 PM
She didn't say there was any problems with you when we where out dancing Friday night.
 Crane Man
Joined: 10/22/2005
Msg: 24
Posted: 6/20/2006 6:26:24 PM
Yes she is screwing around on you, and based on the info provided it sounds like there has been at least 2 differnt guys. Kick her out or leave on your own but you don't trust her so why be with her?
Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 25
Posted: 6/20/2006 7:12:21 PM
very simple if she changes her rotene
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