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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?      Home login  
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 Scheherrazade
Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 2
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?Page 1 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
In my family its always been tradition to move the wedding ring from the left hand to the right hand at the funeral and mine stayed there for 15 yrs until I knocked a stone out of it. When I remarried the new ring went on my left hand and the old ring stayed on my right hand. I would not have taken it off if I had not damaged it. even then it about broke my heart.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 3
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/21/2006 2:51:45 PM
I can't remember how long it has been since I removed my Wedding ring (have been a widow for a long time). I do still wear the eternity ring my last husband gave me. It is more because the ring is comfortable to work in and the other rings I have spin on my fingers, so they end up in my jewellery box. I have very small fingers, and finding a comfortable ring is very difficult. If I was involved with someone who didn't like me wearing it, I would probably remove the eternity ring. I have never had a man I dated even mention it, though.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 8
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:11:16 PM
Keeping wedding rings in the safe is a shame too. Can't bring myself to have the diamonds made into earrings. Couldn't handle loosing that memory.
 brebour
Joined: 3/19/2005
Msg: 12
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 7/2/2006 11:58:24 PM
I have been a widow for 8 years and I wear my ring on the middle finger of my left hand. It is a ring I love and I will wear it forever. Plus since it is quite valuble the safest place for it is on my finger.
 redhawk130
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 30
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 7/5/2007 9:22:09 PM
Lady, you will remove it when you are ready. You might think about not dating until you are ready. Some might me concerned with seeing the ring, some may not.
 KayceeinTx
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 31
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 7/28/2007 7:42:34 PM
I wore my rings for five years, until I was ready to start dating again. At that point I put them away to hand down to my daughter some day. I put his away after the funeral to hand down to my son.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 34
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/24/2008 9:43:09 AM
quite soon after the funeral, I had my and his wedding bands( very plain gold bands) welded together( one atop the other) and wear them on my right hand.
Its been 7 years, and even though I've dated and been in relationships, those rings are not going anywhere. That was like 27 yrs of my life, and a HUGE part of the person I am today. I've never had ANYBODY presume to tell me that I need to take them off.
One of the hardest things about being widowed, regardless of your gender, is the number of people who, in one way or another,assume that when you lost your spouse you also lost your ability to think for yourself. It isn't UP to other people where or how you live, what you do with your free time, how you regroup and rebuild,and conduct your life after losing a spouse. That includes decisions about wedding rings or other sentimental jewelry.
Cindy O
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 38
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:17:49 AM
I've been widowed for a little over two years now. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to stop wearing my wedding ring, and emotionally and mentally it was a struggle. But the reality is, I am no longer married. Once I came to that realization, it became a little easier for me to take it off. That happened about 4-5 months after his death. I bought a ring with his birthstone in it that I wore for a little while, but that didn't last. On some occasions now, I wear a silver ring he bought for me because I thought it was so pretty. That one feels just right.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 43
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/29/2008 7:32:06 AM
I have been a widowed for 7 yrs, I stopped wearing my wedding ring 6 mo or so right after our marriage. The only time I wore my ring was if we were going to a event.
Because I was in the construction, I can't tell you how many times the ring got caught on something,, and almost ripped my finger off.. If I took it off put in my pocket,, I was always in fear of loosing my ring, always checking my pocket,, So I just left it on our dresser, my wife was ok with that,, I only have 3 pictures out, 1 in my sons room, 1 in our loving room, and my wallet,,
A ring is a symbol of love, to sill wear your ring, after your spouse passes a way, should be your choice,, therefore no one should be judged with negativity for that choice.
For those of us who are widowed,, It's not what we wear, what possessions remain behind,, yet it is the memories in our hearts and minds.

FLHTCUI
I thought of having our rings melted down as well, I haven't decided to do that yet, just knowing her finger was in that ring, I don;t want to change that feeling,, but on the other hand, The thought remains, thinking I will do that some day,, for my son,, weird I know..
 Nancy54534
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 47
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:04:26 PM
I lost my husband 16 months ago. After emerging from the fog I wore the bands on my left hand then moved them to my right. After meeting someone on here I moved them to the jewelry box. You can carry memories in your heart and look at the band to keep that positive aspect of life there. We enjoyed life but you have to remember that you have to learn how to not to be afraid to live again.
 Beaugrand®™©
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 50
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/1/2008 9:22:58 AM
I guess, if a woman is still wearing the ring her dead husband gave her, we can be friends ,but it isn't going beyond that until she decides it's time to put it away. The wedding band on a man or a woman says, loudly, "I'm not available."
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 51
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/1/2008 9:29:42 AM

The wedding band on a man or a woman says, loudly, "I'm not available."

That says nothing as you suggested,, I won't tell you what it means,, I will tell you this,, it's not a ring, nor is it a picture on the wall,, it's whats in the widowers heart,,that says whether he or she is ready to move on,, it's not a material possession,,
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 52
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:06:53 AM

I guess, if a woman is still wearing the ring her dead husband gave her, we can be friends ,but it isn't going beyond that until she decides it's time to put it away. The wedding band on a man or a woman says, loudly, "I'm not available."


With all due respect,Beaugrand, a wedding ring(s) worn on the right hand, or on a chain around ones neck, are often in honor and celebration of a HUGE part of the widow's past, NOT a declaration of unavailability.

Does your policy extend to women who still live in the house she shared with her late husband? What about the children her dead husband may have given her?

Many widows and widowers are perfectly capable of moving on to a new love while continuing to honor and cherish the memory of a previous love. If wearing a memento of such a HUGE part of her life is a dealbreaker for you, so be it. I hope you don't miss out on a wonderful relationship because of it.
Cindy O
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 53
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:27:49 AM
ladyc4
your more tolerant than me,, I was going to let him wonder/ or not, because he will never get it,,and some never will,, Good for you,,,
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 55
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/1/2008 11:17:37 AM
cdn guy
I think you have the right idea, what I have found many people are threatened, you are not that is a good thing.. Some of the woman that I have met feel like they are in competition, or that I'm not able to love like I loved my wife,, It's difficult for them to understand..

I try real hard to explain it the best way I can to those woman, because they think I'm comparing,, they are right to some degree,, but only in this way,,
I fell in love with a woman, her name was Penny,, now Penny is gone.. What made me fall in love with her,, is not because of the name,, it was because of the woman she was,, her personality, caring ways, kindness, her up beat attitude,, her natural energy /demeanor, the smile that came right form her heart,, list is endless,, that is what I fell in love with, and her name happened to be Penny,,

The good part,, many woman have those same and similar qualities,, so why not search for the qualities,, only this time her name may be Kate.. but Kate will come with her own personality,, her own ideas,, her own style of who she is,, yet the idea of what I love about a woman and what makes me happy is still there...then when this question is asked of me, as I end my statement, the woman says,, but you have been here before with Penny, or you guys did that,, I would say yes I have, and I enjoyed it too..
However, this is the first time with you, therefore this is a total new experience for me/us,, because you are here,, you and I can make our own memories,,

That last statement, truly helps a lot of woman understand, I would think it would for men as well,, once the other person realizes they are not in competition,, but rather we/all men and woman have certain desires and what we look for in the other person,, it has nothing to do with death,, other than most if not all widowed men and woman know what made us happy,,and what true love meant to us,, that love can only be shared between two people,, again,, it will and can happen again,, because two more people with two separate hearts get to join like no other before,,

This is just my opinion.. best wishes to all,,,
 Beaugrand®™©
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 56
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:09:37 PM

it's whats in the widowers heart,,that says whether he or she is ready to move on,, it's not a material possession,,
I can't see what's in a woman's heart. I can see the ring on the finger. To me it says "married." This is so universally understood that single women often wear rings on the "wedding finger" to discourage interested males.

Many widows and widowers are perfectly capable of moving on to a new love while continuing to honor and cherish the memory of a previous love. If wearing a memento of such a HUGE part of her life is a dealbreaker for you, so be it.
It's not so much that it's a dealbreaker for me, I just don't compete with ghosts. When she's ready to finally bury her dead husband, we can begin to have a deeper relationship.

I'm speaking from experience. I married a widow and adopted her daughter. Before that happened, we couldn't get close until the dead guy moved out (which didn't happen until I bought the b@stard a headstone) (long story that still p1sses me off).

Am I callous and unfeeling? Far from it. My first love killed herself. I carried her around in my heart for years. We never married, so I didn't have a wedding band, but it was there all the same. I couldn't move on until I let her go.

As far as I'm concerned, a ring worn on the right hand is just another bit of jewelry. It may have a meaning or a story, but it's not the universal "Married!" signal that a wedding ring worn on the left hand, on the "wedding finger," indicates.

As far as I have read from this thread, other posters seem to agree, most by their own admission, a woman wearing a wedding ring on the "wedding finger" isn't ready for another romantic relationship.

Furthermore, I think it's gallingly presumptuous to assume I can "read" what's in a woman's heart and mind by observing that she's wearing a ring on her "wedding finger." I don't "read" hearts or minds. I have made the mistake, often, of assuming that women are honest and truthful about their personal situations and the details they choose to reveal about their lives and their experiences, but I'm still not going for mind-reading lessons.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 57
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/1/2008 2:08:07 PM
beaugrand
Please accept my apology,, I only responded to what your first comment was, now that I have read your response, I have some clue of what you meant..

I do agree we can not read minds or hearts,, what I can say,, we can listen to the words and actions that come from those hearts and minds,, with that thought,, if we know someone is a widower, and wearing a ring,, and who might want a friend or more...why not learn,,, instead of backing away without knowing,,, just my view,,
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 60
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:04:38 PM
With all due respect,Beaugrand, a wedding ring(s) worn on the right hand, or on a chain around ones neck, are often in honor and celebration of a HUGE part of the widow's past, NOT a declaration of unavailability.


Beaugrand
I take it you were speaking ONLY of people who continue to wear the ring on the "wedding finger", and I don't guess I fully grasped that...I would tend to agree that one who doesn't move the ring to the right hand, to a chain around the neck , or perhaps create another ring out of it probably isn't ready to fully participate in a serious relationship.
However, if there has been a longlasting good relationship, you cannot expect someone to take all those memories and lock them away, never to be mentioned or thought of again. Obviously, if there are children(even grown up ones) expecting someone to bury memories as well as the spouse, isn't going to work...
Cindy O
 Beaugrand®™©
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 61
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:02:26 PM
As I mentioned, I've been through this. I married a widow, and it was a little crowded, with her, me, her daughter, and the dead guy. When she finally packed up the pictures and the ring we could move ahead.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 64
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/5/2008 5:41:58 AM
We weren't married, so *technically* I'm not a widow (except in Texas, where the funeral director made it perfectly clear I needed to be a common law wife in order to have him cremated). So for me, it hasn't been a ring. It was the shirt (his) I grabbed off the door on my way to the hospital. Can't bring myself to wash it. On very rough days, I'd put it on, just for the comfort of knowing it had touched his skin.

I haven't done that in over a year. But I can't wash it either. Though I'm getting close. I burned the flaming hearts silk shorts yesterday.


Progress.

Men I've dated have reacted very differently: the insecure ones would outright flinch if his name got mentioned. . . . Hell, he was the best three years of my life. . . . The man I'm with now seems to have zero issues. He loves me, and I love him. I hope we get a good deal longer than three years.

 navywave
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 66
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:01:36 PM
I would not date a widower that still wore his wedding band. If a man is still wearing his wedding band and the wife is deceased. HE has not let go. ANd may never be able to let go. Relationships are hard enough now a days, without dealing with ghosts of the past. Been there, done that. It's not fair to the new women to have to compete with a dead woman. Who could?
 navywave
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 67
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:19:47 AM
In some ways that is true phoebe, but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint ( although talking to their kids I found that not to be the case) they don't want to remember the bad times (its disrespectful in their eyes). So, how do you compete with a ghost? You can't. At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered with "I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive. If a widower can't put his ring away. THen there is no room for you. Because he can't give up the dead.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 69
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/15/2008 2:30:48 PM

In some ways that is true phoebe, but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint

I for one do not have to pretend,, My wife was a saint in my eyes,, That by no means suggests I haven't gone through that tragic loss.. but rather a stepping stone for my life,, meaning,, I know what I want and desire,, because of her..


they don't want to remember the bad times

That is one of the big difference between widowed men and woman, we didn't dwell on what didn't work/or bad times,,, most can not comprehend how wonderful married life was,, yes,, we had our bad times,, but we did not focus on them,, rather we moved forward,, focused on what was important,, and what is team effort,, learning how to move forward,, and not dwell on the past, or bad experiences,, Rather focus on our love and how to make things work,, it didn't matter what differences we had,, it's learning to respect those differences,,
It's interesting,, I can tell if someone was happy in there life, whether it be through death or divorce,, their isn't the negativity, that is displayed in the statement I just quoted above,,,


At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered

WOW.... that statement,, why would anyone, what to or attempt to find faults in either the ex, or someone who is deceased,, is it to prove who you are or who are not,, Now I would think,, as a person,, you could gain your own acceptance without bad mouthing someone else..


"I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive

Now this statement,, really pissed me off,, who the hell are you, to suggest this, I won't speak for all widowed men and woman,, But I think they would agree,, Your a complete #ss for even suggesting this,, for example, Not only did I respect and love my wife, the community we lived in did as well.. so much so,, they took the original school bell out of storage, now it sits at the entrance of her school where she taught., as a monument to her, ........ Not only did I respect her in life,, As I do in death,,

You think widowed men and woman compare,, you dam right we do,,let me tell you why,, lets just forget the persons name second.. ,, lets talk a who they were as a person,, that is who we fell in love with,, now many men and woman have those similar qualities,, as a widowed man,, I will never want to replace my wife,, but I will tell you this,, I will find someone with her qualities,, yet I know the personality will certainly be different,, I think, how wonderful is that.. Yet you feel you need to compete,, your only competing, not because you you don't measure up to my wife,, it's because you may not measure up to what I desire, what I'm looking for in a woman,, and to think we/I would settle for anything less than what made us/me happy,, the only competition you have is with yourself,,


Because he can't give up the dead.

You are so wrong with that,, I have let go of the past,, yet people like you want us widowed men and woman to forget our past,, that will never happen,, those are our memories,, we cherish them, matter of fact we love them,, it is because of our deceased spouses we are who we are today,, good and bad,, and to deny that,, would be to deny that we ever lived,, both in happiness / love and pain,,


If a widower can't put his ring away.

It's not about the ring for men and woman like you,, you will find fault in all that we widowed men and woman do, it's because you feel the need to compete,, We could have one picture up,, you would find fault in that as well,, yet,, I loved my brother, he is dead, I have a picture of him,, no issues their why,, love is love no matter,,
I should deny my son, who my wife was, who his adoptive mom was,, all because you can't see it as our past,, yet we want to let go and we have and can,, but it's people like you, who even though we don't have to defends our reasons,, we do it,, because,, you need to be enlightened....so that you can move forward through your shallow thinking and insecurities..
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 70
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/15/2008 3:54:31 PM
It is strange situation for me...whatever...in my modest opinion...your past...good or bad...it is only memory for you...GOLDEN BOOK...or not...and you not suppose to read this to me...
Keep this in your mind...if I respect you...I respect your past...but don't build between you and your partner memory wall...


 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 71
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Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/15/2008 4:59:48 PM
I am not a widow.. but I like the idea of moving it to the right hand.. and liked the idea of ladies who after a while quit wearing the band and wore the engagement ring on their right hand.

It seems that it is in honor of the marriage with a hope to make a new marriage.

I have a friend.. whose ex husband died in a tragic car accident so she gave her wedding rings to her daughter who wears them on her right hand. I think that was a very nice gesture.
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