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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > She says she needs to find herself.      Home login  
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 1
She says she needs to find herself.Page 1 of 1    
Hi Everyone,

I wrote jabaria about this problem earlier. My girlfriend and I have been dating over 2 years, we both met in college we are almost 23, and transfered to the same college away from home together. We have practically but not officially lived together for the past 2 years. She has slept over at my house every night for almost the past 6-8 months. When we began our relationship she was very clear about not being the type to play around, she doesn't date to date, she wants a family, kids, etc and was looking to see if I was that person in a sense. So we talked about marriage 6 months in, and we said we'd see how things go. We both fell in love fairly quickly into our relationship, less then 2 months in, we could just look at eachother and see it type of thing. Over the past year she has pressed me about marriage and about comittment. She was beginning to become very frustrated that I would not talk to her about either directly or ever bring it up. This problem has been more intense over the past 6 months, she would get mad at me not bringing it up and told me I was at a different level then her, and in essence if I could not commit to her then she was going to move on at some point. In May we both graduated from college and about a month ago she gave me a deadline for moving in with her, we talked about it but not a lot and I was a little scared about it, I love this girl with all of my heart and I was coming around to the commitment stage but I didn't like feeling pressured, however I knew she was the one for me. A few weeks after that June deadline, she began to express that she needed to figure things out and didn't want to break off the relationship with me but she wanted to find herself and live alone. A few more days later she came home crying and said she was going to break my heart but needed to take a break from our relationship because she has felt bad about herself the past 6 months to a year, hasn't been herself, needs to find herself and what she wants in life. She says she has never been on her own without someone and that she needs to figure out if she wants to spend the rest of my life with me, as well as finding out who she is in life. She was very heartbroken it seemed by the break she wanted to take, but none the less shes the one who is doing it. We've been broken up for two weeks today, She didn't want to see me right away but like an idiot I showed up unexpected a few times, and on this tuesday I went over with a suit on, and some poster boards with our photos on them of our past and one board that said our future, and an engagement ring, the one she wanted. She lit up!! She cried, and became very happy about the ring, but she said she needed time to decide and that I still haven't respected her wish to be left alone. She hasn't minded my calling but she doesn't want me popping over. She basically said that I haven't even given her the chance to miss me. She has also brought up that taking a break would help us figure out if we were meant to be, it has worked for other people she said, including someone she works with who is now married to that person, so she thinks if we are meant to be she'll feel it. But she still claims this isn't just over me, it has to do with her as well. The first week she surrouned herself around friends and family, this past week shes been mostly alone and confided in me that everyone has been making her nuts, including her parents. She just wants to be left alone and assured me there were no other men in her life, and she doesn't want to date anyone either. She just wants to be herself and be by herself for now is her mantra. I'm going to start by giving her, her time she wants. But i'm so confused by the fact that shes always wanted an engagement and marriage, she still does, you could see it in her face when I proposed, but she seems overly confused by what she wants. I wonder if she really is trying to figure out who she is and what she wants? She commented on tuesday that she would have normally said yes to me and that everything I did for her was wonderful but she always gives in to everyone and everything, and she needs to not do that, she needs to do what she wants basically. Shes never been a selfish person, never in our relationship, in fact she was always needy for me and always wanted to be around me and do things with me, shes never been the need my space type of girl.
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 2
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 1:45:00 PM
OP... long story.. your name fits you to a tee. a question for you. and no BS. do you love this woman. from what i read i doubt it. i think she doubts it too. not saying shes not in love with you but she sees no future with you.
most of the time when a woman says she needs time and space. its usually to find logic in what is. and once they have done this it pretty much means you had your chance and you blew it.
if its not too late you need to be alittle more serious with her then toting some cordboard BS with pictures that don't do anything excpet pull on the heart strings. case n point. she did'nt say , "ok lets go back to what we had".... shes still there and you are where you are.

be serious because you're playing with your life and hers. go to her. sit down and stop playing the confused one. that card is void. show her your a man and that you know what you want in life and shes it. a life with her. commited to each other. you need to be a grown up now.

if not. i am sure she'll find a grow up who can commit.

my opinion of what i see.
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 3
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 1:45:50 PM
Being in a loving relationship isnt going to stop anyone from introspection and growth.

She hasn't minded my calling but she doesn't want me popping over

In english this means she has other men over but dosnt want you to see them.

She acutally told you that she needs to not give into everyone else and to instead do what she wants? Then she chooses to not be with you.. this means she dosnt want to be with you.

Go on with your life, date others. Dont call her, and dont stop by to check up on her. Lingering around her will at best be a waste of your time.. and at the worst it will be heartbreaking when you stop by and see one of those other guys that dont exist.

J and L
Joined: 1/3/2004
Msg: 4
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She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 1:55:56 PM
Ya sure wrote alot. I'll give ya some "mom advice". Leave her be.

What you did was very sweet.

You are both young, and just out of college. You have so much life ahead of you. It may or may not work but don't be pushy because thats the worst thing a person can be.

My best to you.
Joined: 7/7/2006
Msg: 5
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 2:02:21 PM
For what it's worth, I agree with tralala. Best of luck in your future.
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 6
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She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 2:17:10 PM
virtualdoom, You couldn't commit in 2 years. The girl has finally woke up that there is no future in you. Personally I wouldn't give you the time of day after 2 years.
you are in a .
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 7
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 3:56:13 PM
well virt i think these ppl are doomseekers. we are guys we like our space , even if its to play a video game or work on a car and when she pops over n stops ya in the middle its a pain, i dunno if girls do things like that maybe tea parties or makeup festivals , but im sure they do
cool ur jets for a bit geta hobby n leave her b for a bit maybe call her every 2 days for a bit then dont call for a while n see if she calls u, if she doesnt then u have ur answer, women are predatorial and if they think for a minute u need them more than they need u then they are outa there.
thats bout all the wisdom i got on this so hope it helps,
never ever let them see u needy tho cause then they own u and youll regret that spot in the long run
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 8
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 6:26:22 PM
I didn't show her comittment before, and for the naysayers, I love her and always have, I was scared of comitting before we were out of school because I wasn't sure where our lives would lead us. I did make the comittment by proposing to her, so hopefully she'll take that to heart and we can work through it. As far as her having men over, I may sound ignorant but i've known her longer then I dated her, and shes not like that, shes been with her family more then by herself or with friends. I'll keep everyone updated.
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 9
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 8:56:45 PM
its over...sorry
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 10
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She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 9:02:03 PM
In a way she said NO!
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 11
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/13/2006 10:22:13 PM
First off I think what the other posters have written was pretty much dead on the money. Okie spelled it out for you in clear understandable terms. Like Okie I do not believe that you loved this girl in a "true love fashion". There are many types of love and caring deeply for someone is not the same as loving them as your soul mate. Further more love does not cause you to fear so much. If you did have fears you would have over come them.

Now I want to address more in the direction of where she is coming for. She set her boundaries, you clearly knew what she wanted, needed and desired. It was up to you to accept her wishes or not. You did not! Therefore she moved on without you. It seems that it is not she who is confused but you that is confused.

"needing space" "Breaking time" "Finding myself" are all cleaver ways to say I am going to end this relationship but I just can't utter the words right now. She might not even know she has truely ended the relationship but she will soon figure out that her subconsious was really saying this into the consious.

Though I think the whole proposal idea was brilliant and beautiful (every girls dream) she cannot deny the fact that this proposal was a forced one. Women almost instictively know that you will either marry them or not. She had to leave in order to get you to do what she wanted you to do years ago. And this is supposed to feel good? hmmm not every girls dream for sure! Accepting your proposal would mean that she would have to not only live with the guilt that you weren't man enough to live up to loving her when you had the chance but in certain terms her family would know, friends and even your children someday that mommy forced daddy to marry her. So in the end right now your are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Do you understand this?

As much as you don't want to hear this I think you should leave her alone. She needs to decide for herself if she is willing to accept someone who won't marry her the way she wants to be married. If she can then later on and I stress later on she will let you know. You can contact her in 2 months or so and see where she is. Don't count on her being there. I really believe that you have f-ed up beyond repair and this one will have to be chalked up to experience. Hopefully next time you are so inclined to fall in love that you won't take all year to step up to the plate. Good luck with your future.
Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 12
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/14/2006 5:21:23 AM
Hello VirtualDoom,

Let me tell you something very important in my view. The proposal ring you took is not something you did because you wanted to or you are prepared to do BUT only to show that you respect what she wants. And believe me God has saved you BOTH by giving her the courage to diplomatically not accept it the way you expected it.


Simply because you are TOO YOUNG to commit yourself in to such thing under such a situation. I repeat it you are too young to do this thing in this particular situation.

I read one reply who said she gave you a mother advice. Read it 100 times and you will see it is truely the best advice and the best option for you to take. You just graduated, you haven't even experienced other women, you haven't even experienced the idustry world or the academia as an employee. You need time before you commit yourself.

I tell you boldly if she had accepted your proposal ring then in less than an HOUR you would have start asking yourself if what you ust did was right or wrong and that is a clear indicator for the begining of serious problems. I am quite confident in short time interval you would start telling yourself, "Well I did the biggest thing a guy can do to a girl so she must fulfil all my desires and my needs...." EXPECTATION!!! The worst thing in relationship or even in friendship is expectation. It is the begining of destruction.

For this reason I advice not to do something expecting the other person will appreciate what you did FOR HER and will be reciprocated; after all you will never be satisfied by whatever she will mean in your life because your mind will always constantly occupied by the idea that, "I did the best thing in order to please her, in order not to let the relationship end, in order to fulfil her dreams..." Relationship never works this way. Everything must come from no where from your heart spontaneously.

For your information, there was a girl I went out with for two years and half. I said "I love you" for the first time to her not because it truely emerged from y heart but because I knew that was what she wanted to hear. In fact I was pressed to say that. It didn't work! As simple as that. Why? Because I always asked myself, "Why did I say that? For her it means to sacrifice all my life for her, yet I was not even planning to leave in the country we met which is her country but not mine...."

Another tip which I hope will make you smile and is really interesting to hear at least for me is this. A friend of mine was in love in his young age and was really excited and overjoyed by it. He kept on telling his mother (May God bless her soul, she has died sometime back) that this girl was part of his life. Once she told him, "Ohhh my son, this is your first girl and without having tasting other girls love, body and of course pus'sy you may think it is the best in the world and the top of the mountain, but if you also try other girls you may discover that there are even better... So please remember you are too young and do not commit anything and take it one step at a time and most importantly make sure you date another girl before you give your life committment for the first girl..." It may sound funny or even stupid BUT it is a practical and lovely advice.

As I see it, Mr. VirtualDoom you are too young and you need to discover the world before you put yourself like in to prison. Go to work, go for graduate studies, go with other girls and if this girl is meant for you then definitely things will come back. Also loook, if she truely loves you nad had loved you, surely she would never give a deadline or boundary. That was being selfish. Of course, she might be reasoning saying time to get serious but hey you are too young for such a thing!

The best thing to do now. Respect her! Yes Respect Her! Leave her alone. Tell yourself, "It is over; either she has already seen a guy whom she hopes will give her committment or she needs to be alone; and in which ever case it means it is the end. This should not destroy me; after all just like I met her, I can still meet other girl too who might be as sweet as her or even more. I was right in refusing committment because I have to establish myself first and as log as I know that is right decision for my life, I should respect my decison as much as I respect her wish." If you convince yourself with these statements, you will be happier sooner or later. She will be happy now because you respected her. DO NOT WAIT OR ANTICIPATE A CALL OR WHATEVER FROM HER!!! And if she comes back, make sure you tell her, "I love you so much but it was stupid to come with the ring to you. It was desperation and not really something an intelligent person does because I am too young for it. It is time to establish myself working hard in this challeging world before doing such thing. I still love and we may continue as we did before with out any desperation and pushing and I am happy with that; on the other hand if you feel it is a must for you a ring or whatever, I suggest we stop it because I feel I shouldn't do it for the sake of both of us!" Trust me, if you say this truely meaning it she will love you more than any other time.

What if she doesn't come? Now only what if she doesn't come; in fact tell yourself, she will never come. Convince yourself this! Then what are you supposed to do. Move on. ESTABLISH YOURSELF FIRST! On the way, many girls will come in your life. That is for sure!

Good luck man. Sorry for the long message
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 13
She says she needs to find herself.
Posted: 7/14/2006 6:19:33 AM
OP says :I did make the comittment by proposing to her, so hopefully she'll take that to heart and we can work through it. As far as her having men over, I may sound ignorant but i've known her longer then I dated her, and shes not like that

3 things here that don't make you know all that you think you do.

1. just because you've known her since a kid does'nt make it so now. people grow up and mature in many ways. she is female and you male to start with. she thinks as a woman you don't. you may know alot about things she likes and dislikes but you have no clue to a womans thoughts when it comes to their feelings.

2.committment by proposing after shes left is a far cry from proposing long before she does leave.

3. sounding ignorant is more along the lines as being " clueless ".

but hey. as you said you know her and we don't. but then you're the one standing outside her door now not us. these are our opinions and good luck
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