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Joined: 7/16/2006
Msg: 1
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Hello all. I met someone on a different online site, and we just went out for the first time last night. After doing the dinner thing, I WENT TO HIS PLACE for a movie. (1rst mistake!!) As this has happened many times with dates... after we kissed things got heated up, and we ended up having oral sex with mutual masturbation in front of each other. I always feel like shit after the fact. Ironically, I have been brought up by two wonderful parents who have instilled good morals in me, but when it comes to THE KISS/hormones... I always seem to loose myself in the moment. Granted, we did not have actual intercourse, oral sex is extremely intimate. However, sometimes I think I try to make myself feel better by saying to myself, "Well we didn't have sex (intercourse)." Whenever things like this happen so early, and the two of us are doing the online dating thing... I find myself beginning to get upset if I see that person "searching for a match" or whatever (after being so intimate with me.) It seems that over the last 3 yrs of being single in my late 20's early 30's... sex seems to just come so naturally and so early on in dating. I love sex, but I also want to meet a nice guy who will not judge me and have this shit change the way he feels about me. As I type this, I seem to know the answers to all of this already. Like: "I am not going about things in an ideal way." "Sure some relationships can last even after being intimate from the start- however it's probably not likely." Whenever I do something like this... I almost feel like taking my profile down to see if there is any potential for us... but I know I can't expect the same from him this early. However, what would make me look better???: Taking my profile down to show that I am not some slut-bag or leaving it up to not appear as some desperate soul? ***Please try and be kind in your response. I am already beating myself up for my actions last night. I mean, I know that typically if I end up in a private place with someone after a date (like each other's house)... all hell breaks loose after THE KISS!! I love kissing, and I have a HUGE sex drive. Add a little cologne + the passion... and FORGET ABOUT IT! (I try and talk myself through it... like saying, "You know this is a temporary high, and you are going to feel like shit afterwards." But, my hormones always seem to get the best of me, and I think, "Maybe this time it will be different and it won't ruin things for us." AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks.
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 2
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 8:55:19 AM
Sounds like you are beating yourself up so i will leave you to it by yourself.

I would suggest for further dates you try something that is not as about just meeting for a coffee, icecream etc....don't go back to his place!!!

Try just having a few fun dates ( do I need to define fun....I mean no sex)
Go blowing...I mean bowling walk the streets of the city stop for a coffee you get the idea....Keep the dates light and casual as possible until such a time that you may want to be intimate with him.

As far as the whole oral and mutual masterbation i think that is even more intimate than intercourse.
 5th columnist
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 3
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:14:15 AM
It can be a killer if you catch an STD that kills you.

Sex is safe when you have one partner you trust who is not infected with an STD. Until you have that arrangement set up, it will continue to be a case of your setting yourself up to have sex too soon then feel badly afterwards. Take the time to create a good relationship, then have all the sex you want. You can wait. It doesn't take that long. Don't kiss yet since you can't handle it without going further. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Do what you know is best for you in the long run. Learn some impulse control.
Joined: 4/30/2006
Msg: 4
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:28:15 AM
Bill Clinton says oral sex isn't sex.

It has now become the greatest self-convinced theory/excuse ever instilled into our minds.
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 5
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:34:42 AM
You know how girls always complain that guys don't call them after the first date? Well, I'm willing to bet those are the girls who don't give head on the first date either.
Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 6
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:35:06 AM
Hi Singleinflorida,

I just read your profile and I may have a couple of suggestions for you.

You have up that you are looking for a long term relationship. I've seen on most women's profiles that if they are looking for long term, they have the requirement that the guy must not be looking for intimate encounters in order to contact them. You do not. If you are unhappy with how first date physical intamacies turn out, maybe hold back a bit. Any guy worth his salt would be happy to wait.

I just wish you lived closer... I'd show you how to have a good, intimate first date without being physical.

If you like the first date physical intamacies, change your profile to dating, or hang out, have fun, and don't beat yourself up about it. If a guy is looking to bed you on the first date (by bed I mean making contact sans underwear), I doubt he is looking for anything longterm no matter what he is telling you.
 Practically Housebroken
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 7
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:38:00 AM
Go blowing...I mean bowling

I can't speak for everyone, but you do sound like a fun date. I expect your inbox should be filling up nicely.
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 8
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Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:39:26 AM
First, Single in FL, STOP beating yourself up, please. You are HUMAN.....hey! I thought I was THE ONLY one with a HUGE sex drive, and you know, I checked the American Psy. Book of Disorders, and it lists "dysfunction" but not OVERDRIVE. Although, I did see something on Grey's Anantomy! Just let it go, try harder the next time. The web stuff, if he is still there...well, if he doesn't call in gawd, who knows their formula! Give it a week and bag it.
Forgive yourself.
 That Guy Him
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 9
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:40:38 AM
It's your life, do whatever you want. As long as you're not hurting anybody else, then go ahead. If you're the only one who gets hurt and you can justify doing this to yourself, then who is anyone else to stop you?
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 10
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:53:05 AM
To change your profile is not going to change you as a person.
As a person there are things that you can not change. One of them is your sex drive. Doesn't
mean is a biological problem. What may be a problem for you is the way you feel as a result of
your action. So, been clear you don't need to change your sex drive is a matter of change the
behaviour or the way of thinking.
To change behaviour you need self control. Get counseling if you don't know how or simply go
for your experiences as a learning process instead to put yourself in trial.
To change the way you think you have to change the way you feel about yourself. What the people think about YOU is none of YOUR bussiness. You are not better than anybody in the
same than anybody is better than you. Be happy with yourself and change what you don't like
because your own reasons and not because other people think. What maybe 'moral' or 'right'
for me can be taken from different aproach from different people. If you want to please them
in order to be considerer a person high standards you have a bigger problem facing hundreds
of differents' opinions.
In your date you were the real you and giving a BJ or not, don't make you a whore or a virgin.
Will be the general opinion he got from you (evaluating your whole person) and thinking about
what he wants the reason for a second call. Personally, you can give me as many pleasure as
you are able to provide, if you were eating like a pig during the dinner, you are out.
Joined: 5/14/2006
Msg: 11
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Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:57:25 AM
Red Beard's got a good point, not all men out there are looking for the "get her into the intimate position" on the first date. If he sees a lot of bare skin under the cover of clothing on the first date, to me long term is a long way from his mind.
Hell i'm happy just to get a simple kiss on the first date, maybe that's why i'm still single.,,,lol,,, Cut him off at the pass and through up some roadblocks. Leave him with some simple kissing for a week. It won't take you long to find out if he is a keeper, or one to release back to open water.
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 12
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:59:00 AM
Hi there single in Florida,
What you have described is pretty much what I will be like. I have just put up my profile for the first time since my separation. I feel like a dinosaur that is out of its element. Had been married for 23 years when my ex found a younger woman and I have been licking my wounds ever since. I have not met anyone as I am busy traveling, working and doing some of the things that I never would have done while I was married. Like you I really miss someone that will want me and only me but I am very hot and hope to not confuse sex with love that someone else will just call sex. So what if you have sex, if it made you feel good at the time great, the next day you should do something that you really enjoy doing for yourself. Don't feel bad about having the sex, as far as I am concerned you are very lucky to have that gift of being hot and getting lost in the moment. I too was raised to be a good girl but times have changed and it is all different out there so you do what feels right for you and don't look back except to daydream to remember the joy of the moment. I hope you make today a great day - I am taking in a movie and supper with my sister and girlfriend. Best Regards and adieux
 Queen of your Kingdom
Joined: 4/9/2006
Msg: 13
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:10:40 AM
You can restrain from having sex at the beach in front of hundreds of people? How about in a crowded restaurant? If so, you are not under the control of your hormones, you are making a conscious choice to make a bad decision, every single time. You are in control, completely, so I think you need to get counselling/therapy to find out why you think you HAVE to do this. You need to learn to respect yourself, why don't you? You can have LOTS of sex with a husband, and you are not going to get one this way. STOP and think, and make a better choice next time!
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 14
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:16:32 AM
I think if you're asking this question, you're not a happy camper... Don't go on beating yourself up over it, you didn't die from doing it.. On the other hand, let it be a lesson, that for YOU, it isn't something you want to do on the first date.

If you are unsure or uncomfortable doing something, then don't do it.
Joined: 4/30/2006
Msg: 15
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:16:43 AM
I too was raised to be a good girl but times have changed and it is all different out there since times have changed it is now ok? Yeah times have changed. We have more dating problems than we have EVER had in the history of dating and relationships.

OP, keep following the changing times and hopefully, after desensitizing over time, you will not feel guilt about giving yourself up so easily and will not feel the need to post out of guilt.

There will never be a time where women will feel good about giving one of their greatest gifts away in one night without feeling somewhat cheap.

There will never be a time, despite changing times, where first night sex gives a relationship a better "chance" of becoming something.

Changing times is an excuse. Every year the shock factor is raised and every year yesterday's shock is today's normal.

Where is the end?

OP, don't put yourself in a situation where you KNOW what is going to happen and it won't happen, unless you want it to.

Personally I like a little challenge and I am willing to wait it out.

Changing times...schmanging schmimes
Joined: 4/17/2006
Msg: 16
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:18:25 AM
I don't think this is all about a high sex drive. I think you want to "connect" with someone quickly (as I think most people do) and after the kissing starts you feel some connection and it feels good and get carried away with it. Don't beat yourself up about it. I know of a lot of couples who were intimate very early and they're still together.

Maybe do like Ben Stiller did in "What about Mary?". Take the "edge" off before you go on a first date. Lol. Guess it's worth a try.

Good luck & be safe.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 17
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:40:01 AM
Talking on-line for some time before meeting the person can breed a false sense of intimacy and security.It can also heighten the level of anticipation ( particularly sexual )Therefore, by the time of the initial date,you feel as if you already know the person quite well.But it's just an illusion.The 3-D person may be( usually is) quite different than the on line person that you've grown to know and love.Meet at an intimate location(his place or yours)sprinkle in a smattering of lonelines or horniness(as the case may be) throw a little alcohol in the mix and you've got a receipe for disaster.
It doesn't matter if you pull your profile or not.Now,it all comes down to the kind of person you shared this intimate encounter with last night.If you pull your profile,he may wonder why you're into him so quickly and so deeply.He may label you as a fatal attraction or stalker.If you leave it on, he may judge you as easy or slutty.However,if he's a decent guy,he may realize that he did the same thing that you did last night and feel slightly embarassed but call you back and get to know you better.So I say leave the profile alone for now,hope for the best and learn from the experience.Don't beat yourself up.Most of us make these kinds of mistakes sooner or later in this strange on line dating world.Hopefully, we don't mistake Mr Right for Mr Serial Killer and we rebound from our mistakes relatively unscathed.
If it doesn't work out with this guy,don't fret,he probably wasn't Mr.Right to begin with and start dating again.But next time,insist on a neutral locale and remember that alcohol can seriously lower inhibitions as well as self-control.
Remember,even the president of the United States fell prey to a lack of self-control when it came to oral pleasure arena .I'm sure he also tried to make himself feel better by saying that it wasn't really sex,but the rest of the country thought otherwise.
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 18
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:42:15 AM
I agree with msg 13...
learn some self control
Joined: 12/22/2005
Msg: 19
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Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 11:52:54 AM
To answer your question ;

I am a GREAT kisser, only about 80 miles from your location, and available for a date... anytime..!!
Joined: 5/24/2006
Msg: 20
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 11:52:58 AM
Hey OP, lest we forget we are all animals here. Yeah we try are asses off to do the right thing & respect ourselves. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt, but we are animals. We have all done things we regret & would like to forget. F*ck you gotta learn, lets start with not sucking d*ck on the first date if it makes ya feel bad.
Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 21
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 2:10:03 PM
oral IS sex dear no matter how ya wanna "sugar coat" it.. apparently the "morals" ur parents had taught u as a child go out the window w/each & every guy huh.. do u use protection??..
y would u get upset if that other person is still seeking someone else 4 a relationship???.. i don`t get that!.. if u want a relationship.. then don`t give out the goods on the first date!.. its that simple.. what would make u better & make a guy actually want a relationship w/u??.. wellllll as i just stated.. don`t give out the goods right off the bat (this would include oral).. if u want a guy 2 respect u.. then change what u`ve done in the past so that u could have a future w/him.. its kinda funny tho this thread.. u say u sleep w/every guy u set ur eyes on.. love sex.. but don`t wanna be viewed as a slut.. hummmm... and ur on here looking 4 a guy that won`t judge u?.. well i would say this thread would`ve done it 4 ya.. most of us have a huge sex drive.. but 2 come on here & advertise it isn`t gunna help ur cause in finding a man that won`t use u 4 just sex.. alot of stuff u`ve put in this thread should of been LEFT OUT.. but it seems u`ve set urself up 4 yet another let down.. sorry 2 sound harsh here.. but this is what i`m seeing.. gl w/ur search..
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 22
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Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 2:31:44 PM
I think there is more going on here than your hormones, but since I don't know you I'm just throwing it out. When you are divorced or single and you're no longer 22, I think there is a tendency to feel more desperate. Because you feel less attractive than tthe younger women in your office, maybe you are just lonely and are impatient to find someone so you make it easier on them or maybe you have a drink or two and get a little too impulsive. Again, don't know you. Although I know what it is like to be a human being and a woman and divorced, blah blah blah ad infinitum. When I first split with my hus I entered a long-term relationship soon thereafter, and when that broke up, went out with a few men that really were not right for me at all, but since I wanted companionship, I stayed longer than I should have. When I got blown off royally by someone I was far too good for, I realized that I was better off alone. I was lonely when my kids were at dad's, so I got a dog. (Seriously.) Other than peeing on the floor when he was a baby, he didn't give me trouble, he didn't make me sad, he didn't lie or **** about having to pay child support to his ex-wife (that one kills me). I learned to enjoy my own company. I started listening to old records, watched movies that I liked, learned to do things with my girlfriends (who weren't often available because of family obligations), and if they were not around, I went to the movies myself.When you get used to being by yourself, you realize that you don't actually NEED somebody else to be happy even if you do want somebody, and you realize that you are too good to treat yourself like a dumpster for anybody's sperm. I would say, get used to being alone, realize that your own company is okay, and then raise your standards a bit. Let someone earn a blowjob by being the kind of person you'd like to spend time with, and then actually spend time with him before you make the decision that they are worthy of physical love from you. (Do you really want to be with someone who sleeps with every woman he goes out with?) If you can't control your sex drive, please carry condoms in your purse at all times. Geez, when I read this back, I feel like a bossy advice columnist. Oy.
Joined: 7/8/2006
Msg: 23
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 2:35:12 PM
I think you need a therapist.
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 24
Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 7:32:03 PM
Hey sweetie,

I am sure you have been "used and abused" like most people. Not everyone practices honesty. You can always do what that guy did in "There's Something About Mary" and masturbate before the date, if you really feel like having sex. Or, there's always sex-a-holics anonymous! lol. I know sometimes after a long relationship in emails, and a good first date might seem like you really are attracted, but any thing more than just a first date, could be a killer all the way. I am sorry you were taken advantage of dear, but you also had a self-seeking agenda yourself thinking this kind of thing could lead into "feelings". Sex is not love. Love takes time, patience, and respect of one another's god-given bodies. Best wishes!
Joined: 10/31/2005
Msg: 25
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Is oral sex on the first date a killer?
Posted: 7/16/2006 7:55:41 PM
If u beat yourself up and worry that he will now see u as just some one night thing...then he probably will because u will come off as desperate and insecure....You made the choice, you did it, and I assume u enjoyed proud of who u are.....just because u put out on a first date does not mean he will treat u liek crap....he can only treat u as badly as u let him and if u let him know that u cannot be used then it could work...if that opportunity is given.....soem great relationships start off as one night stands believe me...

Just make sure if u do go out again you do go out....dont' just go to his palce and have it happen all over again....then u might be moving into sex buddy territory...but it's really hard to say...every guy views this sort of thing differently
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