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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?      Home login  
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 Jackie1954
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 2
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
We are human. Only God has the capasity to truly forget.

Sometimes we can forgive, depending on what the transgression is. But we never forget. I think at times that's a GOOD thing. If we forgot that someone cheated on us... we wouldn't notice the signs that they are doing it again. If someone has been abusive.. we need to forgive in order to heal, but to forget would be just plain foolish and subject us to more abuse.


They could have done something unacceptable with regards to your children.

That's a hard one... this says that whatever it was they did wasn't to YOU but to your child. It's our job to protect our children. So.... depending on what they did! If it was something that was/could be damaging to the child (physically, emotionally, mentally), I could forgive (maybe) but they would be out the door never to enter again. If it was something minor, it would be discussed with the hopes that it wouldn't happen again. But if I "forgot", then that would allow it to happen again.
 tagurit29
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 11
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 7/23/2006 12:39:55 PM
Truly depends on the situation - a betrayal of trust is something that can be forgiven but not forgotten.
On the other hand there are many things that can be worked out!
Bottom line - if you told them you would - then do it, if not - get out of it!
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 13
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 2/14/2009 8:39:13 PM
Yes. I forgive and forget. And I mean it. That's not to say it's easy or that it requires nothing from the offender. But for me, it's just very necessary for survival, peace and happiness because forgetting is a commitment to let go of anger, hurt, and pain over the offense. I believe:

Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes, or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.

Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings, or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.

Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.

Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow, and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt, and pain over this offense.

Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful, or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.

Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It is the opening up of yourself to that person to be vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is equally as high a human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.

Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full, functional, living reality.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 14
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:18:56 PM
I'd like to forget, but have a damn good memory. But I don't hold what I remember against peeps, lol! It, for most of my life, hasn't been all that hard to forgive. But. About ten years ago, a friend, a very close and intimate friend did something that was personal, hurtful, vile, and basically unforgivable. At first, I was just willing to live in my anger, and then slowly came to realize, that for my own soul's growth I needed to find a way to able to forgive her. I did. Took nearly a year of very close to full time effort. I'd always thought that forgiveness was somehow dependent on the other being able to see and be sorry for what they'd done. It doesn't. For me, at least, it was absolutely one woman work, and I was the woman. In the process, I moved to a spiritual space I hadn't even known existed. And for that I'm very grateful. I wouldn't have chosen that path beforehand, but I also know of no other way to have gotten here from there, so sometimes one owes one's enemies a biggol Thank You!!

What an astonishing revelation that was for me: that an enemy may be a blessing. . . . Therefore: love them. (And, no, she won't ever be a friend again.)


 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 19
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:47:51 PM

They do anything...and I mean anything to my children....they're a dead person...period


I think we need to assume for this thread that we are not talking about felonies such as assault or sexual crimes.
So, does that include discipline? Of his/her own child? Without you around?

Everyone is so eager to "kill" other people.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 27
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 2/16/2009 10:03:19 AM
If a person forgive,but she/he does not forget it is still bothered him/her of the incident of what happened , whenever she/he sees that person the anger inside her /him is unhealthy. How can a person forgive if she/he still nursing that pain that was done to her/him in the past? ----------- If a person said he gave up drinking but he still drink discreetly that is his problem not mine, and if my lover/ husband slept with my best friend, or anyone did unacceptable to my children ? There is justice that will take care of it. To forgive and forget is to start a new life with or with out the person who wrong you. Forgiveness is more for the forgiver to free him/her of thoughts that was done to her/him in the past ,we can not undo the experienced but we can forget it. Sometimes when we see the person, it does not affect us anymore of what happened in the past for we forgive and forget.........
 CookieLady66
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 29
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:36:23 AM
I don't forgive and I NEVER forget....all the hurts bestowed upon me by the world will end up in my novel about a female who becomes a serial killer and make me rich!
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 34
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 2/16/2009 3:14:16 PM
Here is how it works for me, for the deep, dark transgressions you describe.

Forgive.

Learn.

Move on.

Never Forget.

Most day to day things are easily forgiveable are also easily forgettable. But serious breaks in trust necessitate a change in direction.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 35
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 2/16/2009 3:38:03 PM
Daisypetals,


There are several scenerio's to consider.....maybe they said they had given up drinking and you catch them out, perhaps they slept with your best friend? They could have done something unacceptable with regards to your children.


These are not misdemeanors....these are serious issues, which is what the post is all about. If he arrives late for a date, uses the last of the toothpaste, leaves his underwear on the floor or even shouts out someone elses name in a moment of passion, I would easily forgive and not give it a second thought.

I thought the OP was exploring more of a felony situation in a relationship, and the examples he sited, may be forgiveable, but definitely not forgettable.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 37
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 3/15/2009 1:11:30 PM
My word is my bond. If I SAY I will do something, I WILL. Forgive and
forget? I have uttered and MEANT the words "I forgive you." I have
NEVER said the words "I will forget." Never happened, never will.

That said, I HAVE forgiven women who were unfaithful to me even though
I terminated the relationship. I forgive, but I do NOT forget. She can
be my platonic friend if she so chooses, but the relationship as it
WAS ended.

Regarding damage to a CHILD; I have none. BUT, were I aware of ANY
such thing, I doubt I could offer forgiveness, and this is WITHOUT
regard to WHOSE child it was. It is possible that I may forgive such,
but, considering THOSE circumstances, I doubt that I could utter the
words out loud.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 39
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 3/19/2009 8:43:41 PM

To really forgive is to forget.

I agree with you 95%. :) Not amnesia-forget, but yes, if it's still there in the back of your mind when thinking about/dealing with them, you didn't forgive. If it still bothers you, or you still see them as the person "who did -that-", you haven't forgiven.

You've forgiven when you don't hold it against them anymore, and it doesn't bother you, even when other unrelated things get you upset towards them.

To forgive is a bigger deal and takes more time than people would like to believe. Many times, it takes the person to prove themselves, or showing virtually unquestionable genuineness when they express that they are sorry and have true regret.

If someone does something significantly bad that affects me, and doesn't care what they did or unapologetic about it, I will proudly not forgive them. Doesn't mean I have a vendetta or always be pissed by any means -- but I'd be an idiot to -truly- forgive them automatically.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 41
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 3/19/2009 9:15:53 PM
No one would do ANYTHING involving my children and live to discuss it another day.

Everything else is relevent only in what happens at that moment in time. The who, what, when, where, why and how of it all.

I don't think this is a topic upon which we can speculate and say "this is what I would do" until such time as it occurs.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 45
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 3/22/2009 5:05:21 PM
When I forgive, I forget the emotion that the trangression inflicted on my ego or emtions.. so that when I have a memory of it.. it's treated with indifference .. but to absolutely forget it completely like it didn't exist.. well I guess I'm not quite that evolved yet.

It's sort of like childbirth.. you remember the pain you went through, but you don't feel it like you did when you were actually going through it.
 maemae7
Joined: 3/4/2009
Msg: 53
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:14:04 AM
In My mind Violence is unforgiveable. Headgamer depends on situation, have dealt with but CHEAT hell NO!!!Sexual predator move on and hope they in therapy and/or jail.
 itechman63
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 56
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 3/31/2009 6:48:34 AM
You don't 'forget' something that was done to place you in a position of forgiveness.

But for me forgiveness is not a conscious decision. Over time acceptance leads to indifference. You can remember what was done and learn the lessons while allowing the negative feelings to leave your life. In 'trying' to forgive, I think you are trying to force an emotion while trying to convince yourself that you feel something you don't.

Negativity finds it's way into your life uninvited. The loss of a family member, an auto accident, missing out on a promotion... allow negativity that you can control such as grudges, anger, and bitterness to leave your life.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 59
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 10/5/2009 8:27:51 AM
This is an excellent and complex thing to discuss.
Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in the world of human relationships AND of religion. It seems to me that a majority of people think to one extent or another, that a person can DECIDE to forgive someone else. I see cases every day wherein some thought they SHOULD forgive a friend or spouse, and pretended very hard that they had, only to have their inability to truly forgive, eat away the relationship to nothing.
It requires work, and a great deal of self knowledge to enable you to REALLY forgive someone for serious wrongs. True forgiveness CANNOT happen while you are still vulnerable to the person who wronged you being able to do so again. So the first step in forgiving someone, has to be that you find a way to protect yourself from being hurt again. If it's about money, you make your money unreachable to the person who erred. If it's about reliability for assistance, you stop relying on the person, long enough for them to prove gradually that they have learned to discipline themselves to show up and perform as they promise.
You also often have to address within yourself, how you came to expect the other person to behave other than they did, and consciously choose whether or not to continue in your expectations, or alter them if you realize they are unrealistic.
Simply feeling love for the offender is never enough. Religious, moral, or personal conviction that forgiveness is a good thing, is not enough. Forgiving requires conscious work by both parties, to succeed.
 CookieLady66
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 61
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 10/5/2009 9:29:48 AM
I may forgive a minor infraction...but I NEVER EVER EVER forget.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 62
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 10/5/2009 2:57:40 PM
Depends on what is acceptable and not. Someone who backslides on a personal endevor like quiting drinking,smoking should be encouraged to seek help if they slip up. There are some things that are not acceptable which you spoke about, such as sleeping with best freind, messing with ones children. How you handle it depends on your temprement.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 66
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 10/5/2009 7:27:02 PM

HYPOTHETICALLY- When people do really stupid stuff...I harbor grudges until they show real remorse for what they have done. I give 100% and to disrespect me is to show no regards for anything I do for them...therefore, I kick their hypothetical butt to the curb...


Exactly.

Unfortunately in my experience the remorse people show is for the wrong reasons. They are sorry they got caught, not sorry for what they did. IMO, it's impossible to be truly sorry for something you did or you wouldn't have done it in the first place.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 69
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:44:53 AM

Negativity finds it's way into your life uninvited. The loss of a family member, an auto accident, missing out on a promotion... allow negativity that you can control such as grudges, anger, and bitterness to leave your life.
This is excellent advice.

NOT true....Choosing not to forgive is venom to the soul.
Yes, indeed. When you don't forgive you harbour negative energy which is like a magnet for attracting even more negativity in one's life. It shows through in the guise of anger, worry, angst, bitterness and intolerance amongst many other less than attractive personality traits.
 gabrielle523
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 70
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Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:07:28 AM
You forgive...because that's how you move one.
You don't forget....because that's how you remember the mistake you made to get you there.
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