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Joined: 8/11/2005
Msg: 2
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?Page 1 of 59    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Good question! Yup, I think smarts can be a hangup in relationships. I don't think it's because women are less turned on by intelligent men. It just depends on how that intelligence shows itself that women find a turn on or turn off. I think the BIG drawback is the unrealistic projections and expectations. I'm certainly guilty of that. Sometimes people just can't help but think too far ahead instead of living in the moment.

The good news: intelligent people have (or should have) the ability to see problems and then do something about them. What to do? Learn to live more in the moment, and like Nike says, "Just Do It!" And as much as I hate to admit it, there were some pearls of wisdom in the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin." The main character and his friend have a discussion that goes like this:

"That just doesn't feel right."
"Listen! Doing what feels right hasn't been working for you. You need to start doing some things that feel a little wrong!"

Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 4
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:36:20 AM
I find intelligence attractive and would rather date an average looking guy, whos smart than a very handsome man not very intelligent.
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 9
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 9:39:54 AM

Has anyone ever noticed, how many smart cookies are on this site?

That may be, but I'm also amazed by the amount of stupidity.

But I have read articles, that suggest, apparently many women are not particularly turned-on by intelligent men.

A lot of intelligent men are socially retarded. They don't spend enough time interacting with other people and don't have good social skills. It also doesn't help that the media frequently portray intelligent people as nerds.

Are intellectual types too wrapped up in themselves, too full of themselves, in other words, too Egocentric?

There is something to that. Intelligent people can be condescending at times, which can be a turn-off.

Are many intellectuals doomed to be forever frustrated, isolated and alone?

Yes, if they don't recognize they have a problem, whatever it maybe.
Joined: 2/14/2005
Msg: 24
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 11:47:03 AM
Exactly, indi ^^^^.

The thread has gotten away a bit from the original post, which linked intelligence to relationship success, or the lack thereof.

There's also a side issue between natural discriminating "intelligence" and that of "intellectualism". Yes, the latter often values learning and cerebral passion over that of emotional connection with another. But a truly intelligent person is in a better position to use his or her smarts to be more loving/sexy/emotionally giving than one who doesn't see how to do so. High intelligence, intrinsically, has nothing to do with compromising an emotional nature, or lacking skill in social interaction.
Joined: 4/6/2006
Msg: 27
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 12:31:26 PM
originally posted by metaphysicalman

I think although some women might be attracted to a man with intelligence,

they maybe don't realize the extent to which he is going to apply his intellect and

analytical thinking to their relationship! I think it's just what intellectuals do,

and it can make for a pretty screwed up relationship. IMHO

It only shows this men lack the emotional intelligence, but it's not only the problem of intelectuals.
Joined: 2/14/2005
Msg: 29
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 12:53:08 PM
Wish I was just half as bright as some folks around here think they are. LOL

Now, THAT'S an intelligent comment. And though I identify with it completely, I'm also aware of the attacking self-irony behind it, too.

I love this definition of "arrogant", which can be transposed to relationships in general:--

"Someone who disagrees with you."

Intellectuals tend to be more arrogant, and at times, certainly disagreeable. Not always a good thing for long-term relationships.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 32
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 2:27:54 PM
Once again, it's time for a personal anecdote.

The family notary knew me as the guy who hung around with, shall I say, not the intellectual elite of society. He had a definate dislike towards me.

Anyway, when I decided to purchase a home I gave him a call. When he asked what my girlfriend did for a living I told him what position she held in a certain city. Doubting I would cross paths with such a person, let alone be dating and purchasing a home with said individual, he stated in a voice dripping with arrogance, "You mean she works in that department of the city".

"I mean she's the head of that department", I replied.

Later that week we met at the Real Estate office and while he was filling in the papers my girlfriend informed him he was making a mistake.

"Perhaps you'd be better at doing this", he retorted as he slid the papers across the table.

As my girlfried proceeded to slide them back she replied in a somewhat patronizing tone, "No, do continue. The rest looks fine."

I flashed him a smile which was the best I could do to contain a belly laugh.

That was 10 years ago and always brings a smile to my face when I recall.

I like intelligence in a female. I also like.......well, perhaps that's best left for another thread.
Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 33
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 2:36:23 PM
You know how you mentioned "the disenfranchised and perpetually bitter"? You sound like you fit that category. Is that what I am doomed to become once I've worked for ten years?

If you have spent more time in school than in actual full time work in life, then sorry to say man, but odds are you know jackshit about real life. Don't get me wrong, there are alot of 40-50 year olds out there who have no clue about life either. But I assure you when people are looking for guidance in life, their first stop is rarely asking the sage wisdom of college students.

This is an excerpt from the book "Dumbing Down Our Kids" by Charles Sykes. It 's meant for high school and college graduates who think they have life all figured out. The book talks about how this new generation of entitlement and politically correct thinking is setting up young people for a life of economic and social failure.

Life is not fair - get used to it.

The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out
of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they called it Opportunity.

If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades and they'll give you as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for

Intelligence is nice sometimes, but often it means jackshit in the real world. But most people don't figure that out until they get out of school. Common sense is the one universal commodity that will help you get through life. And common sense and intelligence are often mutually exclusive. But maybe, like most young people, you'll have to learn this all the hard way.

Well maybe I was wrong, maybe youth is not wasted on all the young in every case, but definitely it's wasted on you.
 Melodic Euphoria
Joined: 3/22/2005
Msg: 34
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 2:39:20 PM
Again, generalizing all intellectuals into a few typical but unindividualistic characteristics that common people believes to fit, will only give you a biased view. From personal experience, I find that some of my friends who call themselves intellectuals have harder time finding someone at their intellectual capacity to share their ideas with. It will be frustrating for an intellectual, as oftentimes their primary goal in life is the pursue of knowledge, the seeking of answers to the burning questions irked in their brains. However, for intellectuals to make the mistake of excluding non-intellectuals solely on the grounds that non-intellectuals "doesn't belong", is not uncommon - unfortunately, and in a way you're right - it does breeds intolerance, it breeds self importance, and in some cases, arrogance and dogma. However, the traits I've mentioned - intolerance, pompousity, etc - are prevailent not only in intellectuals, but in people of various intelligence bracket. So again, it's always good to ask questions, but I'd refrain from drawing uninformed conclusions myself.
 Melodic Euphoria
Joined: 3/22/2005
Msg: 35
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 2:40:27 PM
Wish I was just half as bright as some folks around here think they are. LOL

LoL! Good one

Are many intellectuals doomed to be forever frustrated, isolated and alone?

My last sort-of, half-way boyfriend is. I pity him so, but he truly is too self absorbed, pompous, and he have a tendency to exclude people whose opinions he deems as "inferior"...and NOT because few can express so eloquently as he can, as he's only as eloquent as quoting from the numerous books he has read. That goes to show you that not all intellectuals can think for themselves. He's the perfect example that being intelligent doesn't equate with having maturity.

Again, this is a particular case of intellectuals I've mentioned above. You see my point now?
 Melodic Euphoria
Joined: 3/22/2005
Msg: 37
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 2:55:16 PM
On that subject, I wonder how men generally view intelligent women?

Received plenty of responses from men who condemns my intelligence (or was it for a lack thereof? *grins sheepishly*) and a handful of men who praised it.

Finally, there are the selected few who saw past whatever intelligence I have displayed, and saw and appreciated the person that I've tried to express in my profile...they became my real friends.

Have I made my point? Or did I get off topic :P

Anyway, back on topic. Back from me to you, physics lover. Manipulation have little to do with intelligence. Manipulation is a behavior, a tendency, as much as it is an ability for empathy. Intelligence is merely the ability to absorb information, to form links between acquired information, process and inteprete information in a way that it becomes knowledge. Intelligence gives us the speed and ability to learn, and the flexibility to adapt (through the acquiring of information).

But other than that, I had no idea that many women were not attracted to intelligent men.

Wait a minute there, you know what they say about statistics, doncha? DONCHA??

"There are liars, damned liars, and statisticians."

Joined: 1/24/2003
Msg: 41
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 3:48:12 PM
Forum Posting Guidelines
Chat/Off-Topic deleted

Stay on-topic and realize that this is a discussion forum, not a chat room.

Adress the thread topic, not the other posters.

Forum Moderator
Joined: 2/18/2005
Msg: 43
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 3:52:29 PM
Couple years ago, I learned to become child-like to compensate for my arrogance. I say stupid things and play with stupid toys. I think that turned off some intelligent women. They see me as immature and therefore below their par. However, when I'm talking to average women, they can't continue the conversation about things I really want to talk about without simplifying everything. So, I guess I'm cursed.
 Melodic Euphoria
Joined: 3/22/2005
Msg: 45
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 3:57:33 PM
We are our minds, after all. So what you've said about mental compatibility makes a lot of sense, because people wants to be able to relate.
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 47
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 4:03:27 PM
This was one of the issues that lead to my failed marriage. Here is an example that often occurs: When two people meet and get to know each other, at first the lesser intelligent of the two will find the other interesting because of their intellect. They will look up to them, brag to friends and family about them, and may even go so far as to try to emulate them. As time goes on the lesser intelligent of the two will start to feel that the majority of the decisions are not being made by them, though they are consulted and asked their opinion. They start to feel that their opinion does not matter regardless of how illogical or stupid it may be. From those feelings become a sense that the more intelligent of the two is being controlling. Now at this stage, the lesser intelligent of the two may feel that they are not allowed to contribute to the relationship and that nothing that they want or says matter. From this, resentment is now in place and so goes the story. What is the moral of this story?

-Not all opposites should attract
-Birds of a feather should flock together
-You get what you pay for

OK, the real moral of this story is if you are going to commit, get with someone on the same level of intelligence as you.
 Melodic Euphoria
Joined: 3/22/2005
Msg: 49
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 4:45:05 PM

I've been throwing the pearls to the dogs again. So I kind of saw it coming...

Still, how did you interprete the sharing of opinions into the measures of egos? Curious Melodic wants to know

(Not that I'm denying that I have an ego. But still, I curiously want to know where it showed...y' I can better hide it from public view, so I can appear as the humble, respectful gentle lady that I'm not...=)

You've good points in the last two, though.
 Melodic Euphoria
Joined: 3/22/2005
Msg: 53
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 5:48:21 PM
[double post]
 Melodic Euphoria
Joined: 3/22/2005
Msg: 54
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 5:50:00 PM
^^^Behind, huh...?
"Wow, I'm all alone in here. Where did everybody go??"
- Duffy

As far as one's method of expression...why should any one of us change how we are to suit what others are more familiar with?

Nailed it.
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 55
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 5:59:45 PM
Ah Tom..... my metaphysical friend.

For me intelligence is a non-negotiable must, not to mention a total turn on. There is nothing like a man who can carry on a conversation and knows exactly what he is talking about. You must stimulate my mind as well as my libido and I'm like putty in your hands.

Although some intelligent people are manipulative it has been my good fortune to not run into that challenge. Give me brains all the way!!!

Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 58
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:00:06 PM
This is kind of an interesting topic. Its got me thinking. I get people telling me I'm smart, creative, funny, nice and even attractive. But I can't say I have a whole lot of men banging down my door.

I would date someone who had a lower intelligence than me provided they pandered more to my feely side. However, a certain level of awareness/intelligence is required because I would like to actually have a conversation with the person.

Its odd being a female in the situation. There are all kinds of societal roles which tell us that we are to be protected and taken care of by our mate. Where I tend to be pretty logical, I do actually kind of like that person that can bring out my feely side. At the same time though, I still want that protector and sometimes guys who can pander to my feely side don't always appeal to me in that sense.

Other things matter too like tenacity, independence, and ability to actually use those gifts you were given.

If I were to offer any advice to an intelligent guy it would be to get in touch with those illogical feelings of yours. There is a certain feeling type of logic I used to dismiss and it hurt my relationships. I know I have to act a bit more feely sometimes too.

As to seeking out other gifted people. I'm only now learning this. I just thought I was supposed to feel this kind of isolation. Now I realize there are more people out there like me, I just have to find them because its important. Not only for the stimulation but it also helps you keep a more level-head.
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 59
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:41:05 PM
Personally, I was classified as gifted at a young age, everything came pretty easy for me in school and after spending most of my teenage years trying to do everything in my power to not be seen as a 'brain' or nerd I simply accepted the fact that for some reason - I intuitively 'get' it - and 'it' could be almost anything. BUT....what I have realized only recently (and only be doing a great amount of personal work - mostly letting go of things I THOUGHT I KNEW) was this

Intellectualism can be used as a way to avoid feelings sometimes...the rationalization process is used to separate out the knower from the known causing a split in the psyche and providing distance from certain feelings/experiences. People who are smart are usually hyper sensitive, which gives them the ability to 'sense' things and understand things quicker. When things get to emotional, or their hypersensitivity gets triggered, many people intellectualize it as a nervous system response to the shock/trauma. The distance provided by removing yourself from the feelings involved allow for you to split yourself off from actually feeling the emotions and thus, you imagine that you have the 'space' to make an 'educated' decision and of course..can rationalize almost anything.

This can interfere with your relationship to yourself or in primary relationships with others because in order to do this you must SEPARATE yourself from not only yourself (your emotions) but from others as well.

It is this idea of separation, which breeds the ideas of "No one gets me", "I am too smart for my own good", and "Why the hell can't you understand me!" that creates and perpetuates the illusion of loneliness and 'being different'. The truth is that at the core...we are all the same and can all be as smart, brilliant etc as we choose to be - it is only our personal beliefs that limit our capacity for knowledge, wisdom and understanding.

True intelligence comes from the heart not the head - when the two can work in tandem knowing that they are always connected to everyone and everything, true wisdom abounds.

And really it is wisdom...that I consider to be the sexiest thing in a prospective partner.
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 61
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:05:27 PM
Why do I get the feeling because I'm smart AND tall I'm kind of doomed?
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 68
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:57:40 PM
Well intelligence is relative because I do believe there are different types of intelligence. I guess the type of intelligence I tend to gravitate towards is that intuitive kind. I'm starting to figure out how to pick them out too. This may seem simple to those who have spent time around other intuitive types but not all have. I'm just now learning about these common similarities.

So far, here are some of the similar characteristics I've noticed with other intuitives.

1. varied interests. We tend to like to conquer new things either through tenacious mastery or natural ease

2. you'll find these certain types usually are comfortable with "Big Pictures" and theory

3. usually have at least an above average technical ability

4. usually have some creative talents on the side such as music/art or even things like database development

5. they felt "different" as children. Most I know felt ashamed of it as child but grew to admire it in themselves as adults. Maybe this is where the arrogance comes from.

6. being extreme. Like overly meticulous or disconnected from their environment (day dreamer)

7. sometimes may suffer from a social or anxiety disorders (or both). They tend to be hyper if not in body then in mind. To others it appears very intense.

8. the word "connections" has an almost religious signficance

9. we tend to excel at anything that interests us....we are interested in a lot of things.

10. a dislike for the unnecessary

P.S. They knew I was gifted but had no idea how to control or focus me. Basically I was older before I taught myself to focus.

Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 74
Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/9/2006 2:14:54 AM
I think that most intelligent men don't get women because we over think. We try to hard to get the woman to like us that it makes women think we are weird. It is hard for us to go with the flow because we always think of what could go wrong.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 75
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Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/9/2006 3:37:58 AM

(Msg 125) I would love to change that part of me as I truly do value a man with a set of brains on him too.

A "set" of brains? I've never heard it put quite like that before.
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