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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how      Home login  
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 2
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or notPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Let me commend you on dealing openly with this issue. It is epidmic - 1 in 3 over 50! I had radical prostatectomy on April 20th and I am back to full activities - walking 10,000 steps a day. My only problems now are riding my bike - transfer of mechanical energy to the inner ore of the body reminds me healing is still taking place. Also, pulling on tall weeds or hard raking results in a bit of a stitch as well. My surgeon has informed complete healing will take a year.

As for the two side effects - incontince and erectile dysfunction, I have almost complete urinary control unless I lift something poretty heavy, like my bass amp, with a full bladder. Based on my experience to date, I suspect this will be under full control within 6-8 months (it has only been 4 months to date). In terms of erections, I am now having pretty normal nocturnal erections and I suspect I am going to do well in this area as well.

I was diagnosed as a result of what was believed to be a prostate infection - this was a very disruptive and annoying condition. After several courses of antibiotics, it was apparent that something else was going on and the scope and biopsy revealed prostate cancer - Gleason 6. Lots of choices. I opted for sugery because it held the possibility of a complete cure and elimination of two other ugly conditions - recurring infection and prostate enlargement.

Here's some humour! The male prostate is the best argument against the theological argument for "intelligent design!"

I could have opted for other treatments or simply sat back and watched, but experience with friendsw and colleagues was that failure to treat agressively and immediately puts you in a situation where your treatemnt options are more limited and side effects more severe. I am 58 and very active and had the opportunity to simply deal with this and put it behind me. Thus far, it looks like I have made the right decision.

As for dealing with women, you need to look at the big picture here. First, every man over 50 is starting to have some erectile issues which are a result of aging, obesity, circulatory issues, diabetes and a host of other conditions. That is why we are seeing som nay Cialus and Viagara ads on TV. My surgeon put it this way: Rank yourself from 1 to 10 and then realize that the surgery will have some effect. If you are a 9, you will probably be a 7 or 8. But, if you are a 6, you will probably be a 4 or 5.

The state of your general health is very important as you age and everybody, men and women, should be making this a priority once they hit 50. It does matter what you get hit with, you re going to repsond better if you are active, eat well, have simplified your life and are in good health. I sailed through the sugery, went home after two days and was working from home within two weeks.

So, if women are dating men over 50, they are dealing with erectile issues in one form or another.

The second point is that there are very few women who are into hard core screwing at any age despite what the media may lead people to think. Women are much more complex and subtle in their sexual responses and this becomes more so with age. They are much more interseted in the total picture and you seem to be aware of this - they enjoy the emotional connection, cuddling, considerate acts, sharing, conversation, personal time, etc.

If you are dealing with a mature woman, she probably has a pretty good idea what it takes to have an orgasm and you should be aware that not all women have orgasms that easily. At this stage of the game, thye have to assume some responsibility on the communication side of this if this really an important thing for them.

You seem to be quite aware of this, however, when you say: "I am fully aware of the many ways of satisfying a partner, that does not alter the little voice in me that has been know to tell me "I'm not good enough". I'm sure some of you are dealing with this and it is an issue that appears to be getting worse."

I think it is important to look at the broadest perspective - you are an odler man, and you would probably have trouble running a mile, doing 50 chin ups or standing on your hands! What if you met a woman your age who expected that you do such things?

I think the answer here is COMMUNICATION - you need to sit down with a PARTICULAR woman in an appropriate time and place and talk about EROTIC LIFE - not erections, penetration, sex positions, etc. This is the real issue because as we get older we have more limited physical resources, but a hell of a lot more sophistication and wisdom.

You may have to look for a great woman who loves poetry. wine, massage and . . . . prolonged oral sex!
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 4
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 3:40:25 PM
Thee area avriety of things that can assist in the management of prostate enlargement and cancer, but none are "cure-alls." I would not consider taking this route without the supervision of a capable physician.

The precursor of prostate cancer is a well documented type of oxidative damage that is repaired by the body, but incorrectly. This leads to further damage that eventually culminates in what we call "cancer."

There is a very good book that puts this in the broadest possible perspective and shows the link between oxidate damage, immflamation and aging. Here it is:

Oxygen, Nick Lane, Format: Trade Paperback · Published: September 2003
ISBN: 0198607830 · Published By: Oxford University Press

Prostate cancer is also related to diet - quite rare in southeast asia and Africa where people do not eat a lot of meat and dairy products as a protein source. When people immigrate from those areas the rate goes up and approximates the North American norm in th second generation. those of Afriacn descent have a substantially higher rate when they adopt a North American diet.

The bottom line:

Eating a balanced, low-fat diet ensures overall and heart health, and may contribute to halting recurrence of prostate cancer. Exercise is also crucial to decrease the risk of disease. Studies have shown that men over age 65 who got at least three hours of strenuous activity — swimming, running, jogging, biking — a week had a 70% lower risk of advanced prostate cancer.

Here are some key take-home messages:

q Keep your fat intake to around 20% of your
daily calories.
q Cut back on red meat, and aim for two to
three servings of fish per week.
q Use plant-based protein sources (e.g. beans,
peas, lentils, soy) more often.
q Eat five to 10 servings a day of fruits and
veggies and at least two helpings of
tomato sauce or juice a week.
q Take a daily multivitamin with
the RDA for vitamin E and
q Stick to the RDA for calcium
of 1,200 mg/day if you’re over
age 50 or 1,000 mg/day if
you’re younger, from foods
and supplements combined.
For men on hormonal
therapy, the recommended
amount is 1,500 mg daily.
q Finally, don’t forget to
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 7
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 8:48:34 PM
"What great responses, a little surprised there hasn't been more, however perhaps it's not politically correct to "let it all hang out"."

You are probably right - but there is also the fact that men do not discuss these things among themselves. (i.e., How's your prostate this month, Bob! I'm way down on ejaculate these days!) My first trip to the urologist was a real eye opener - a packed room of VERY UNHAPPY looking folk - about 75 % men itting in stony silence and a smaller number of embarrased women. Perhaps they could not figure out what all those men were doing there! (waiting for their wives!).

This is a siginifcant and important topic - all three issues - infection, enlargment and cancer which many peiple are going to ahve to deal with in one form or another. Let me commend you again for bringing it up here.

"I've also noticed (well duh) there is little or no ejaculate, which may be condidered a win by some."

I would discuss this with your doctor. I had this symptom as well, along with it taking quite a long time to have an orgasm. These could be viewed as "positive" developments, but they bely an underlying disease process you want to keep an eye on.

Until I was diagnosed and did my research, I alays thought of the female reproductive system as being a lot more complex than the male. The prostate is actually a real piece of "high tech." There are all kinds of secretions involved which are essential to reproduction and I did not know about the sphincter that has to slam shut at just the right moment to prevent "retrograde ejaculation" (i.e., into the bladder!).

This is a very complicated piece of hardware and I don't think most men have any idea how complex erections and reproduction really are. This is true for women as well.
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/18/2006 11:40:47 PM
I would think this would be a subject to be brought up after a few dates if you think it might go further.

Does anybody have experience with this or suggestions on when it should be discussed?
 Man In New Hampshire
Joined: 9/23/2005
Msg: 10
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Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/19/2006 1:51:16 AM

Absolutely before. But how far into the relationship? I would perfer the woman get to know the whole person that I am. She can then decide if this is a deal breaker.

I can accept a woman not being comfortable with this situation. But I am a man who would like to have a woman in my life that can be my friend, lover, and confidant.
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 11
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/19/2006 5:48:24 AM
Just remember that this can be a positive topic as well. Dealing with a life event like this is a test of character and helps to reveal who you are and how you deal with things in your life. I think most decent women would welcome and respect this.

I know my own decision to opt for surgery was really a reflection of my own character and personality. "Watchul waiting" was definitely not an option for me - when you have a problem you confront it dead in the eye and deal with it, make the best decision, accept the consequences and use the outcome as a resource in getting on with life's adventure.

I really learned a lot from this experience - about myself, the disease, a major social problem and how other people relate to things like that emotion laden word, "cancer."

The simple truth is that once you are over 50, "trouble," in one form or another is on the way - that is the human condition. What we should be looking for in life are people who stay engaged, accept their mortality and reach out to other people in whatever way they can.
Joined: 2/8/2005
Msg: 12
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Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:09:42 PM
I have been involved with a man (now 47) who was diagnosed at stage 3 prostate cancer at the tender age of 41. He went to Calfornia for an alternate opinion and they recommended 18 months of chemo after some mild radiation and followed by 4 years of oral therapy. Needless to say he is much less than functional due to decreased sensation but the worst is he has almost no desire. (I am yelling in the background - what about me????) I have tried almost everything in my little book of knowledge to engage him but he really has limited desire. He is affectionate just not sexual. He forgets how I am affected by this. Communication doesnt seem to be the issue here - avoidance is. Help! To those touched by this dreaded disease it may not be taking your life but it may... take your relationship if you are not willing to consider your partner. I dont look at myself as selfish but just human.
Joined: 2/8/2005
Msg: 13
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Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/10/2007 6:59:39 PM
Desire to please.... well said. I think that anyone can get around the issue if they truly aim to please in all facets of life. I hope the writer of this thread values a woman's opinion and is able to put yourself in our shoes as well.
Joined: 2/8/2005
Msg: 15
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Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/15/2007 4:46:53 PM
floralily - heavy sigh - I so know what you mean!
Joined: 9/20/2006
Msg: 16
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/15/2007 5:55:18 PM
what is really sad is, there are other options besides the pills, but most men tend to look the other way. I do know one man who, happily, had an implant and has a very satisfying sex life. (Not with me!) There are different types of implants and there is always the chance for complications as with any surgery, but, I guess it all depends on the man and what he is willing to do.

Maybe I'm opening another can of worms, or even another topic, with regards to penile implants. I honestly don't know how most men feel about this option.
Joined: 2/8/2005
Msg: 18
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Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/21/2007 5:39:10 AM
for most women I think they would not be at all concerned about an implant if the attitude is positive going into it.
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 20
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 7/10/2007 6:28:01 PM
Please bear in mind you cannot conclude that your partner will not have erections for at least 18 months after surgery. Nerves take a long time to heal and start to function again. Patience is very important. Also, erectile dysfunction can be a result of anxiety, depression or a withdrawal from interset in sex due to anxiety and fear.

Everybody is different and repsond to treatmen ts differently. But, patience and a positive outlook are very important in recovery successfully from any treatment, condition or illness. We, in the industrial world, are just in too big a hurry to do everything. Perhaps this little passage will be of some comfort to your friend:

Most of us begin each day by reaffirming our allegiance to the tyranny of time.

With loud alarms, we catapult ourselves into consciousness and gear up into overdrive with a frenzied obsession.

When I was a child, my grandfather's lectures on the subject were a staple of daily life: "Time is money and money makes the world go round! To the speedy belong the spoils and leisure is for the lazy!" His words still ring in my ears.

In his retirement years, he bought an ostentatious grandfather clock, the kind with the weights you draw up weekly. With much fanfare, the clock instantly became the object lesson for endless sermons on the nature of time, of which there was never enough in his house.

"It's not the 40-hour week, but the 40-hour day that I need," he would lament.

In the language of the New Testament, Greek has two words for time: chronos and kairos.

Chronos is tick-tock time, that which we measure by watches, clocks and calendars. It is chronological, linear, orderly, quantifiable and mechanical. It's also fast, because it's always later than we think.

Karios time, however, is organic, rhythmic, aperiodic, spiritual and unhurried.

This kind of time always displays an inner cadence, which brings fruit to ripen, a woman to childbirth and a man to his senses.

The realm of the Spirit operates on kairos time: poignant and profound events, like falling in love, the birth of babies, ideas and nations, the divine aperture upon our human senses and the cultivation of our souls.
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 21
Time . . . continued!
Posted: 7/10/2007 6:29:08 PM
The Kingdom of God, which Jesus said "was at hand" and "within," also emerges from kairotic time when the heart is ready and the moment pregnant.

Succinctly put, kairos is God's time, his clock ticking within human history. It's the infinite within the finite, the eternal within the here and now.

Our human affliction is that our life in the fast lane is a cancer on the Spirit. Speed is a demonic slayer of time and legion to boot.

Madly rushing around, squeezing the last ounce of energy into some concrete box or agenda, cripples our human creativity and spontaneity.

Speed not only blinds us to the precious nature of every existential moment, but prevents us from surrendering to the life-altering opportunities generated by God's time.

What we need is not some ethereal abstinence from chronos in our lives, but decisive moments in the kairos sun.

As our society rushes headlong into more mind-boggling stress-time, we need to determine what time it really is in our lives.

Is 2007 the year to eliminate those pursuits and schedules that have held us hostage for years?

Is it finally the time to give our lives the dignity, depth and sheer delight we so desperately need, and which our toys, no matter how expensive, cannot provide?

Harry Potter's train can be boarded on Platform 9 1/2 by any weary traveller seeking the realm of the spirit.

It's accessible to all of us who look for that awesome stillness and silence to cleanse us of our misperception, to renew our sense of wonder in creation and spiritually to re-order our values and priorities.

Many roads lead to such kairotic moments, inviting us to be who we really are to ourselves and to God.

But wherever and whenever the moment occurs, sit in its peace until you can feel your heart beat and your breath coming and going slowly and gently, because there, at its centre, eternity dissolves time. All clocks stop and you will feel inhabited and inspired by the Divine Beyond within you.
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 22
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 7/18/2007 3:05:10 PM
It is the worst feeling seeing something precious in a family slip away.

I remember when my wife was almost paralysed from 3 auto accidents in the space of less than one year. The following two years were terrible for everyone. But therapy got her back.

Then, I got to be on the receiving end when they could not find out why I was becoming paralysed from the torso down. (Got confused because I had an auto accident around that time as well. The doctors thought I was faking it to collect insurance. Yeah, just because I had a new job and could not function to do it.) Finally got that resolved after I had lost 98% of the sensation from the waist down. Doctors found it and the surgery removed a tumor in my spine. I was 100% back in less than one year (but it was a close one). Doctors said that if I had lost all sensation; I probably would not have come all the way back. Again, it was just as hard on the family since I could not do any household chores and my wife had to drive me back and forth to work. (Yes, I continued to work up until the surgery.) The sex was almost nonexistent. However, I did try. Amazing how creative you can be when you put your mind to it.
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 23
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Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 9/10/2007 5:06:39 AM
Everytime someone talks about erectile disfunction - all the advice for woman include the words "love and support"

would someone please elaborate? What does support mean? Does it feel good to ejaculate without orgasm? How can I stimulate a man to orgasm without ejaculation. I am willing to accept a sex life with penetration but how can I help him have a satisfying sex life as well.

Be specific - help me to understand how I can be loving and supportive.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 24
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By Jove! Jolly good answer.
Posted: 9/14/2007 3:22:09 AM
i have male friends who have had prostate cancer and are doing well-- but only experienced ED with someone close to me. i wondered why one man went straight to explaining the sexual aspect to me, when i inquired about it on behalf of my friend's husband. but he was doing fine, so i was not sure why he kept assuring me that. i guess from what you describe, he wanted my friend's husband to know he was okay.

first, thank you for your information as i suppose one day i will be dealing with it if it is one in three. however, as to worrying about women and future relationships, you will find some will be sympathetic and some not. the same with my lymes disease. the same with men with ED and women who have had mastectomies.

if people love each other or are loving individuals, they find ways to take care of each other. if they are just wanting to have fun and make up for the bad times in their previous relationships, it will depend upon what having fun means to them and whether they are sexual beings. for me, sexual chemistry and caring for my man are inseperable issues. i think chemistry really helps in finding creative answers for the man or woman you care about. if anything, a good man gets better as he gets older because he is not so "immediate gratification" and sexuality involves sensuality.
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 25
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Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 9/14/2007 7:58:07 AM
Alan and others suffering
My father has been fighting prostate cancer for over 15 years now. The best thing he has done to deal with any and all issues around this was to get involved in the local Prostate Cancer Support Group, (which i believe he was involved with founding). They meet about once a month at a local church, invite various speakers, doctors, researchers, etc, and have tons of information gathered together especially for new members. Wives (S/O) and family members are encouraged to attend. Support amoungst the members is strong. Please look into seeing if a chapter meets in your area. Attend meetings, volunteer to help out with the local "Do It For Dad Walk and Run", where you will meet the most amazing people... not just those dealing with Prostate Cancer, but their extended families. In our family, 3 generations take part in this activity most years. Good Luck, God Bless to all.
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 30
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:22:39 PM
Hotpants and theuncommon, so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine what it would be like for a man to go thru this but if the person I loved had it I would do everything I could to make them as happy as possible. Having had cancer I know how scared a person can be..especially on yearly checkups but what I had was nothing compared to what a man would go thru with this...bravo to all you guys who have successfuly dealt with this...ya inspire me!
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 33
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Prostate cancer ...How I dealt with it.
Posted: 1/18/2009 1:28:40 AM
i'm reviving this thread in order to help a friend. searched and copied all the other related Prostate threads. my friend is 61 and was always in good shape. he then got an aggressive cancer, which he beat despite the odds and with some pretty hefty chemo. now, six years later, he has an enlarged prostate and is getting tested for cancer again. being a macho kind of guy, he is flipping out a bit. so, i am doing this research for him. having had lymes i know a bit of the fear that comes before yet "another test". however, i did not fear death because i knew there was treatment.

so, these are my remaining questions. thus far, enlarged prostate w/o cancer, prostate cancer and an agressive form of prostate cancer have been discussed. what is the more aggressive form of prostate cancer and is it a different kind of cancer altogether, just landing at the same site? my friend had liver cancer. i don't know the details. do you know if this aggressive prostate cancer is due to other kinds of cancer linked to or preceding it. ie--is it located in just the prostate or is it the type that comes from elsewhere or else spreads elsewhere?

has anyone had both prostate and another type of cancer as well. what do you recommend? is proper diet too late? i know he's in excellent physical "appearance" and does watch his diet. no drinking or smoking, a lot of camping out, et al.

how i deal with this sort of thing? he is not a close friend, but we connect pretty readily when engaged in communication face to face. i will be there for him or any friend or neighbor to the best of my ability and if he will let me. i am finding out more and more, that men (especially the seemingly strong ones) bury their feelings, rather than deal with them. i cannot force a horse to drink, even if i can lead them to the water.

being there for someone who has medical issues is a tightrope walk. i've been on both sides of the tightrope, but walking it with another takes trust and skill and willingness on both sides. i remember when i reached out for help and nobody was there for me in my immediate life. so, i found others to help me and swore i would be there in the way that nobody was there for me. that being said, i made it through. it was very lonely, but it made me very strong. i learned to take as well as to give. i learned that not many were willing to give. sooooooooooooo, remember this if you are ill. just keep plowing through the ice and eventually it will melt.

i appreciate whatever medical links between prostate cancer, prostitis and any other form of cancer that anyone can share wtih me. i have helped a friend way back with breast cancer. i just get into my cognitive mode and carry out what needs to be done. if the person will let me, i have lots of tissues and do not judge tears. in fact, i believe tears are necessary. they eliminate toxins and help in the coping/healing process. i think when life sucks, we all need some holding.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 36
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Prostate cancer ...How I dealt with it.
Posted: 1/18/2009 10:13:19 AM
thanks! i understand encapsulated. in breast cancer you can have a worse "stage" but it is easier to treat if encapsulated. so, if i get you right, the opposite cannot happen-- meaning his "old" cancer didn't spread into the prostate and that just vice versa can happen if it is discovered to be aggressive?

i agree. he needs to find out. he says he will this week. then i could help him better with the "what if's".

thanks, scw
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 38
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Prostate cancer ...How I dealt with it.
Posted: 1/18/2009 8:39:49 PM
I don't know if this will help anyone. Recently I met a man with ED from diabetes. The various pills didn't work. Yet, he has TWO girlfriends and the wife he is seperated from wants him back.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 39
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Prostate cancer ...How I dealt with it.
Posted: 1/18/2009 11:06:10 PM
he was probably good in bed! too bad it takes that long to figure women out.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 44
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 2/23/2009 7:55:51 AM
I'm going to repeat, again, what I've said elsewhere. Poking/being poked does NOT equal sex. If any woman is using "high libido" as an excuse to cheat on/avoid a male with ED, it's their loss. Worse, they are lying to themselves about their level of sexuality: high sexuality is easier to please, not more difficult. If she is having difficulty with the situation, I'd heartily recommend that she hie herself to her medical professional and get her *own* hormone levels checked.

I do understand that the way a man is coping or not coping with the issue can damage a relationship, even kill it. But lack of an erection is absolutely NOT the end of sex, in fact, it may be just the beginning of a truly grand adventure in sensuality/sexuality. Pity those that opt of the game.

Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 48
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:44:41 PM

I suggest you don't judge anyone if you haven't walked in their shoes. My husband and I are both suffering. Prostate cancer is a " couples" disease and until that is totally recognized and the proper support is available we will continue to suffer. Your response was very offensive and hurtful to anyone who is in a similar situation. You obviously don't really understand.

Short form: the man I most loved in the world was a colorectal cancer survivor. Massive surgery, chemo, and radiation made the "mechanics" somewhere between totally not working-to-random. Had he, or I, believed that poking was all that was involved in lovemaking, we'd both have been SOL. I didn't see him as *diseased* -- he was simply the man I loved. He died two and a half years ago, and I'd give a lot if that hadn't happened. And I'd be delighted to have him back, plumbing working or not.

I *am* sorry* if you felt I was hurtful, but I've watched way too many, men and women, get on these boards and make men with ED feel awful.

Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 54
Prostate cancer ...guys,how have you handled it/or not...Ladies, how have you been supportive/or not
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:39:10 PM
meoww ~~ Oh *please*please*please* post the bean cake recipe!

(and thank you, btw. . . )

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