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 Canadian_guy22
Joined: 6/25/2005
Msg: 1
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Why do Single mothers push men away?Page 1 of 1    
im my experience of dating single mothers which is twice, in the beginning i had no problems with her having kids, i like kids and understand her responsibilities towards her kids comes before myself, upon entering the relationship i dont feel morally responsible towards the wellbeing of her kids as in if in 4 months things dont go good and we go our own ways i doubt in a years time ill be visiting her kids, but while i am in this relationship i will carry out the fatherly role, now what i find frustrating is how in both situations i was pushed away by her by her fear of letting someone get close enough to her kids that if the relationship ended they would be hurt again, and there was always a tension like she was always afriad i would leave, but kids are usually not the reason the man leaves or wont get involved with a single mother its because of the unknown expectations involved. if there are any single mothers in the area that would like to chat i would be happy to, send me a msg.
 Red~Fire
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 2
Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 9/1/2006 12:01:44 PM
You have to understand that it is our duty as mother's (and father's) to protect the best interests of our children. Having them become attached from one guy (or female) to another is not only unhealthy for them, it is for the people in the relationship. I have seen guy's equally hurt by the loss of a relationship because kids were involved and they felt not only the loss of her, but the loss of the children she brought with her.

We are afraid that the children will be hurt because kids are so receptive and when they open up themselves to someone and it's taken away, it's hurtful and confusing for them. I think it's smart that she uses caution, however... it can be taken too far and she will end up alone. You have to find a balance, there is one. Reassurance, security and trust will ensure that she won't push you away.

I am careful to what my children are exposed to with my personal life, but I certainly won't be held back from loving someone because the kids do grow up and you are left with what?
~RED~
 tugsandtisses
Joined: 8/14/2006
Msg: 3
Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 9/1/2006 12:02:28 PM
I'm a single mother of 2. My feeling on this is that the adult relationship needs to be strong enough before any man will ever meet my children again. I don't want my daughter to see men come in and out of my life and her not have a respect for a trusting relationship. But on the other hand before the kids are involved there has to be a strong relationship between the adults. Because the kids should just fall into the mix if the mix is goign to last. Children will grow up and then it will just be the adults, so if the relationship was just built on him filling the daddy role, there won't be much after. My heart getting broken I can deal with, little ones asking why someone can't come and see them a different story.
Now for the single moms this is just my opionion, but having relatives and friends filling the need for male interation seams to work better for me. Their uncles and grandpas are not goign to be in and out of their life.
 SillySmiles
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 4
Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 9/1/2006 12:48:20 PM

but while i am in this relationship i will carry out the fatherly role,


That is part of the problem right there. Just because a mom is single doesn't mean she needs a man to carry out some fatherly role. Being a friend to the kid is the most you should be aiming for.

If I was a man for 4 months, he wouldn't be acting fatherly to my children, he would probably just have met them.
 fnlovinjock
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 5
Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 9/1/2006 3:06:54 PM
I think the problem is that the men seem to want to step in and be the Dad. The kids have Dad, and it is freaky as a single Mom to see another man become attached to your child. Then, what happens when you break up? The child somehow feels a loss. It is easier to not put them in that situation.
 blondeangelkisses
Joined: 8/16/2006
Msg: 6
Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 9/1/2006 6:40:42 PM
I personally do not push them away, but I won't let them even see my kids until I know that they're someone I want a serious relationship with. The reason for this, is that (especially boys) chances are they are not getting enough male interaction (my kids see thier dad every other weekend, not much time really) and kids tend to get attached quickly. The last thing a mother wants to see is her little ones hurt or disappointed.

I would say they were probably just looking out for the best interest of thier kids. And that's just it.... you said "I'd doubt in a year's time I will be visiting her kids" ..... which of course is reasonable and logical.... but to the little ones it's hurtfull, all they know is someone they cared about is all of a sudden gone.

If you're interested in a single mom, I say take your time and make sure you're solid before meeting the kids. There is always the chance that it won't work out... but the more time you take, the more trust in you she might have with her kids, and that you're not going to be someone who's in thier lives and then gone quickly.

Just my opinion...... best of luck
 sweetjoi47
Joined: 5/30/2006
Msg: 7
Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 9/1/2006 10:48:42 PM
Hi
Usually men (not all) are looking for that quick fix, and most single mothers know it. After getting their kids involved with the man and he tires of her she And her children suffer. So she has to use caution.
Take one day at a time, and learn to know this person and he her and eventually the kids. My girls are always trying to hook me up with someone but I always tell them love and respect for each other take time and that knowing the person is important.
I am not afraid of loving anyone I am afraid of being played so I look deep before I leap. 'Don't try to be the father be the friend let the child or children get to know you and let her (mother) see by your actions that you are sincere.
Joi
 NoName4U2
Joined: 7/27/2004
Msg: 8
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/2/2018 9:29:08 AM
Not all. I was dating an amazing woman/single mom for 2-3 months . She had been divorced twice and I was going through a divorce (amicable). We had so much fun and compatibility, attraction, chemistry were all off the charts. But she was guarded. She told me I had to be patient. I certainly didn't want to rush things. She had little time for me which was expected. But the 1st month we dated she didn't have a job (by choice). Still, I had to change my schedule around, "work from home", take days off just to spend time with her. She got a job RRALLY close to me and not once did she stop by to/from work even though I said it would be nice every once in a while. Conversely, I stopped by her house (45 min away) randomly with her permission, to surprise her with food, just to say hi, bring her sick kid(s)/her his fav meal...just because I wanted to let her know I was thinking about hem/her. I hadn't met her kids either which was 100% fine. It's her decision when/if I would ever meet them. I did those things just because..that's the person I am. I did not need those things reciprocated. What I did need to be reciprocated was putting myself "out there", being vulnerable, "opening up". It didn't ever happen on her side. I know it can be tough to do those things, I get it, but relationships are a risk for getting hurt. But, conversely, it can also be a wonderful thing to bear your heart/sole to someone and have them openly accept you despite all your flaws. I was doing that, I was being open. She was not. In fact, I felt pushed away a lot of the time by the things she said, by not opening up, etc. I have no problem putting myself out there with someone I really like (it rarely happens that I really like someone but I digress). But if that isn't recirocated, it sparks my fear. I'm being patient, putting in all this effort just to date you, showing you I care, can be trusted, making time for you (it works both ways) and your schedule, really opening up. That's hard to do when it's one sided. Should I have been more patient? Perhaps. I know now she would have been worth it. But I think at this point, not being "loved back" was too fearful of a thought. I tried to talk to her about it, but she would just literally leave/walk pit. Texting only made things worse.

I learned a valuable lesson though. Relationships are a 2 way street. No matter the situation each person is in, it takes 2 people who are ready for love, ready to communicate, and ready to put in the work for it to work.

Time to look for the 1 in 9,999,999!!!
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 9
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/3/2018 12:22:51 AM
No idea. I got ghosted after dating one for four years. Maybe don't date single mothers.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 10
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 8:53:20 AM
Dont date single mothers. Ever.

I have. I dated on for 4 years. You get attached to the kid/s and if they are very young they grow up thinking you're their dad.
When it inevitably ends, the kid is confused as to why you arent around anymore and you are sad for the loss of the child that you wont get to see grow up.

The only reason you should ever date one is if you also have kids and dont want more. The kids are all old enough to be independent and out of the house.

men with no kids shouldnt be taking on a woman with kids . They arent yours and you will always come last. Also if you do take on the fatherly role , then break up you can be liable for child support .

There are many single women who dont have kids and for the most part they are more well adjusted than the women who were irresponsible with who they had kids with.

Dont do it.
Dont.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 11
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 9:30:14 AM

... if you do take on the fatherly role , then break up you can be liable for child support.


I wonder if there have been any cases, where a couple get into a relationship and the guy has a child/children from a previous relationship, and when they break up, the woman is made to pay child support because she makes as much or more than the guy.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 12
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 12:28:13 PM
The fact that courts starting making non-biological parents pay child support made things a lot tougher for single mothers. I think that was a ridiculous move by the courts.

I know of many good blended families. I think that guys without kids should not date single mothers UNLESS they themselves were stepkids as children or the children of single mothers so they are aware of the intricacies of the role they will have with the children. Many guys are just really clueless. Some try to replace the father and even if the dad is a POS, this is a bad move. A stepdad can have a strong parenting role but when a guy does not have experience with parenting or with being a stepchild, it is difficult for him to just suddenly take on that roll and often mothers do not do things which make it a good transition.

If the woman's ex was a bad husband and/or father, they are carrying a lot of baggage and may be guarded towards future men. Sometimes only time or therapy or practice will fix it.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 13
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 1:15:39 PM
^^^^

"The fact that courts starting making non-biological parents pay child support made things a lot tougher for single mothers."

Do you have a link for this? First I've heard of it in canada though I know it's happened in the states.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 14
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 3:04:57 PM
Even in the US, it's not very common.
The non-biological parent has to essentially have a long-term relationship with the child.
It isn't - as some would have you believe - have sex with a woman and you're suddenly responsible for her four previous kids.

Non-biological parents are also awarded custody rights under many of the same conditions where they are asked for child support.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 15
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 4:22:53 PM

I was dating an amazing woman/single mom for 2-3 months . She had been divorced twice and I was going through a divorce (amicable).


First thought that come to my mind is, if she's so "amazing", how come she has 2 failed marriages?


She got a job RRALLY close to me and not once did she stop by to/from work


was putting myself "out there", being vulnerable, "opening up". It didn't ever happen on her side.


I was being open. She was not.


Yeah, I'm still not seeing the "amazing" part.

Unless you're just referring to her looks.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 16
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 5:58:30 PM
https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/famil/cons/consdoc/obligat.html

When I was 18 I really got screwed by specific laws. My parents had both declared bankruptcy after a messy divorce that cost upwards of $200,000 plus the farm failed. I had no one to co-sign for me for student loans so I applied for government student loans but got denied. The reason I got denied was because Revenue Canada erased my mom's income and replaced it with my stepdad's. My stepdad was not about to pay for my tuition nor would he co-sign a loan for me. The next year I was going to apply as an independant adult so I could get government loans but I had some medical problems and needed to be under my mom's insurance.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 17
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/5/2018 8:33:18 PM
Damn what would we do without our government. I can see some poor guy paying for someone else's children even if the biological dad has always been a deadbeatand no one bothers to try and collect from him
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 18
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/11/2018 10:12:56 AM
My husband always had a role in his children's lives even when we were separated. He was active with their sports, education, and hobbies. He never neglected his responsibilities with them. I was very supportive and allowed him to make plans with them and see them whenever he wished. He not only contributed financially, a very small sum, but more importantly he was concerned and volunteered to do maintenance on the home.

He died when he was 47 and I have never been able to fill his shoes and be "both mother and father" to the girls. The idea that a woman can play both roles is ridiculous and when I hear woman say this I just smh.

Any man I dated was absolutely aware of his presence, simply as their father and admired him for it. I did too. I never had to be guarded that my children would get too attached to a man and think of him as their surrogate father.
I was however guarded as to when and how I would introduce a man to my daughters (4). I dated a man for 4 years and he never met my daughters. The reason clearly that he was never really fully committed to me so how could I expect him to be committed, responsible and caring to my daughters?

If I am getting to know someone and not certain of whether or not we are a mutual match for intimacy or long term they don't meet my children. They take me out or come to me when I have the house to myself. It's a rule that I don't break for anyone and it has been successful. I have never had a man complain to me about being reserved in this way nor has any man expected me to put them in a "fatherly role". I also have never had a man complain because I did not go to him. They were happy to come to me in more ways than one.

I think woman that parade men in and out of their children's lives are "can't understand normal thinkers". They are being selfish and neglectful of their children's feelings. Having lost their bio father as a result of their parents inability to pair bond and keep their vows does leave a child vulnerable and open to feeling rejection. If you bring a man into their world it should be with the greatest most sincere intentions.

@OP. This woman may have just had a reserved personality and kept most of her thoughts to herself. That is what was normal to her. It was a trait. I know women/people like this. It has nothing to do with their children. She just may not be the kind of woman that "opens up" as easily and eagerly as another. She may have been hurt in her past ( 2 ex husbands) by divulging information in confidence to them and they later came back and tried to or did hurt her with it. Her deepest darkest secrets or her weaknesses. I know I am going to take a lot of my secrets to my grave with me.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 19
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/11/2018 12:22:04 PM
I have been doing a great deal of reading on single parentdome and there has been quite a bit written on when is the best time to introduce the kids to the new significant other. There are a couple different schools of thoughts regarding this.

One school of thought is that you should wait until a relationship is serious before making introductions BUT there has been some research that indicates that relationships that occur after a later introduction are more likely to fail. One major reason is if the couple are more "in love" with each other at this point, even if they and the kids do not gel well, the couple is more likely to push the relationship forward. Another reason is that children often resent an unseen significant other who is taking up their parents' time and they also resent being left out of things so the longer this occurs the more that resentment builds.

The other school of thought is that the sooner a significant other meets the children, the better it is. There is actually more research that has shown this to be a better option than the first one, especially, recent research from the past two decades. This is not to say your kids should meet every person when you first start dating but if you have gone out enough that you have developed into an exclusive relationship, it may be the right time. This way, the parent will not have invested too much time or emotions in the match-up and if the kids and significant other do not gel well, it will be easier to end things. Also, the child feels like this relationship isn't going on behind their backs.

I can say that from my own experiences, we met my mom's and dad's sig-others pretty much right away and it didn't phase us much. Sometimes it was a revolving door of girlfriends/boyfriends. I was 12 when they started dating and I met the first few, I got along with many of my parents' boyfriends/girlfriends and some I let my parents know pretty quickly who I did not like and I still believe they were pretty good reasons. When my dad and his live-in girlfriends split up after 6 years I was really upset but that was 6 years in and I had stepsiblings I was attached to. And when my mom and her second husband broke up after 10 years together, I was already 24 so it didn't really affect me much, I still kept in contact with my stepdad.

I also see what most people do that I know and almost everyone from what I have seen introduces their kids early on, especially women and I think this is because they are more often the custodial parent so have their kids more. I have my kids all the time so if I was to say "date" someone once a week for a while, the only way to see that person more would be to introduce him to my kids.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 20
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/14/2018 5:12:48 PM
So are ya 35 or 26??
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 21
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/15/2018 6:54:48 AM
I'm 35. Why do you ask?
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 22
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/15/2018 7:29:23 AM
July.. I would love to see your resources because I went back to college when I was 40 for 2 years for Early Childhood Development and most articles, books, opinions I have read were quite the opposite of what you have stated. What and where are you reading this drivel?
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 23
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Why do Single mothers push men away?
Posted: 11/18/2018 12:18:17 PM

July.. I would love to see your resources because I went back to college when I was 40 for 2 years for Early Childhood Development and most articles, books, opinions I have read were quite the opposite of what you have stated. What and where are you reading this drivel?


Single mom types JulyStorm are unfortunately becoming more prevalent. When I say types, I don't mean because she has kids, I mean that she chose such a loser to breed with, the father has no involvement with the kids lives, that she has the kids 24/7, those types.

So instead of waiting to wait until the kids are older to date, women like her are looking to be saved, looking for the easier way out. They say they are looking for luvvv.... but the reality is dating for women like her is a means to an end. The ultimate dating goal for them is invariably to get a guy to move in, lighten her daily household work load and increase the household income.

Since women like her are saddled with kids 24/7, it's logistically impossible for them to keep their kids and dating lives separate. Since they put themselves before their kids and want to date anyway, they need a way to justify to themselves they are a good parent and justify the need to date. Even though all of the evidence demonstrates that having kids meeting mommy's multiple partners is detrimental to children's psychological development, they go out on google to intentionally undergo confirmation bias to find anything that says bringing in a string of men around their kids is not that bad.

She finds opinion pieces by feminists and left-wing types that tell her what she wants to hear. She wants them to be credible as it justifies what she already wants to believe and do. That's the drivel she seeks out. Its the exact opposite of what the experts say but she considers it a "school of thought". No dear, people that think the earth is flat is not a different school of thought than the roundy's. It's just wrong.

This is the reason single moms are renown for parading men around their kids. This is also the reason why kids from single moms turn out so terrible. If she has daughters exposed to this, the cycle continues and they will likely become single moms themselves.
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