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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' hav      Home login  
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 IdoAllmyOwnStunts
Joined: 1/24/2006
Msg: 3
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
i know im a lot easier to get along with after ive rolled over and passed out
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 4
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 9/6/2006 11:06:24 AM
I would have to say the word "friend" is used by too many people as a way to remove themselves from a sticky situation. IMHO most of the time there really is no desire for an actual friendship but a quick escape clause to be used.
For me it would probably take quite a while b/4 I was able to be a "friend" as I dont sleep with people that I am not seriously interested in and make that quite clear from the get go.
JMT
 Somvara
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 10
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 9/6/2006 12:40:12 PM
I think it all depends on how one defines relationship. One of my best friends, is a guy who I have been friends with for 12 years. We have been friends, lovers, friends with occasional benefits. We have seen each other through marriage and children and moves and our friendship stays solid. I love him greatly as a friend and always will. I have other guy friends that I have dated and they refuse to talk after the dating ends.
So I believe it is a maturity level and solidness of the friendship to start with. And then again I may be the minority here. Life is tricky.
 belly18dancer
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 15
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/25/2006 7:14:38 PM
i agree that friend is a word too casually used...i have acquaintances and coworkers who i hang out with and have fun with, and then i have close friends who i can count on in times of trouble and need...

and no haven't had sex with any of them...

these kinds of ''buddies'' are just that ....more like aquaintances... we talk, and make nicey nice....maybe have sex now and then...but a close friend i can count on...nope, don't think of them that way
 todreamandbelieve
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 16
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/25/2006 7:20:15 PM
Well ..if you dated at one time and broke up amicably and realize there was no future for the relationship ..but want to remain friends. GO FOR IT.

If you're talking about a friendship ..and are thinking of taking it to a friends with benefits or dating type situation it's much harder. I know for most guys its easy to just have sex and be able to make things the same way. Girls tend to get a bit more twisted over the whole deal. We start thinking ohh ..maybe he likes me ..maybe we'll date ....wait it was just sex ...etc etc etc. Way more complicated for women ...at least in my opinion. It's not completely impossible ..just way more complicated.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 17
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/26/2006 6:33:23 AM
We are intelligent social creatures, each unique and diverse in our own ways.

This is again one of those issues that really depends on the moral centre, upraising, lifestyle choices and so on. There are many reasons for people to want long term romantic relationships. Could be anything from safety and security, lifestyle, companionship, family building down to having someone to make the bed and do the laundry. Sometimes, the right factors at there, and sometimes they are not. Friendship with someone you trusted enough to exchange body fluids with should be natural.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 18
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/26/2006 6:58:17 AM
"After" having sex ... friendship would be just one of several ------ships.
 Chippy2
Joined: 6/21/2006
Msg: 19
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:01:15 AM
I would have to say that the word friendship is hard to describe, as we have various levels for friendship as mentioned in an earlier post. We dont use all those other words that describe the level of friendship often enough.

As for the question of can men and women being friends after sex, that really depends on your level of friendship prior to sex, if you were just drinking buddies or got along because you both worked at the same firm, basically never got past the acquaintance stage, then I would say probably not.

If you really got to know one another and care about one another, but different dreams/ paths seperated you, then yes it is possible.

I have been able to say yes and no for the above reasons.

I would also say that the best/most rewarding relationships I have had have been with friends I have had sex with, so to the person who has finds it hard to have sex with your friends, I know how you feel there, but if you want a good relationship, maybe you should think about it, find a friend to make love with. Take that chance and you could both find what your looking for, instead of a string of ex`s.
 Internetdatingpariah
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 20
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:09:05 AM
Great question...And I'd love to research this further so if there are any women interested PLEASE contact me!
 Chippy2
Joined: 6/21/2006
Msg: 22
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:17:48 AM
East Side Eddie, that is the right question, and did you just split or did you/they disrespect the friendship in some way while breaking up?

Also like friendships in the first place, it does not happen over night, you have to give it time / space / and put in a little effort.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 23
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:24:53 AM
well, i'm friends with my first ex husband's wife. hardly speak to him anymore and she stole him away to boot in my mid thirties. they both came to my second wedding after she promised not to steal number two and with the child they conceived while he was still married to me! oddly my first husband seemed very sad. as for me, i thanked her profusely for stealing him, but only many years later. i think he wanted both of us?!* and now they both live apart despite still being married.

would not be friends with number two husband, but we have kids together so we are civil and put their needs first. now my new ex and recent boy (man?)friend is wanting to be my friend after he broke up with me. i thought he was my soul mate! go figure. i care deeply about him and i'm trying to do this, but time will tell. please ask me this question every thirty days.

on the one hand there is sadness for the loss, but on the other we are developing a deeper understanding of each other. i guess i didn't realize until recently the man thing about sex not being love. i operated in a man's world professionally and really had no clue. i guess my new "ex" realizes he does love me after all, which is why he cannot combine it with the sex? all very confusing. life was simpler "back then". i alternate being a hopeful romantic with being a die hard realist.

i look forward to reading more opinions on this subject, let alone differences in the age group opinions.
 Chippy2
Joined: 6/21/2006
Msg: 25
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:50:05 AM
When I first split with my ex wife 12 years ago, she called me her best friend, but I came to realise I did not know her and her deepest thoughts at all, now she is a total stranger to me in every sense of the word. I recognize the physical form, but the person inside is completely unknown to me, even after spending 17 years with her.

With a couple of my ex girlfriends in the later years, the friendship has grown afterwards, because we did, and do care about each others feelings. We also respect each other for who we are and the honesty within our "relationship" to each other.

This is why I say yes and no.
 IdoAllmyOwnStunts
Joined: 1/24/2006
Msg: 27
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 12/11/2006 5:28:18 AM
OF COURSE! ..........as long as i get to hold the remote
 michael4957
Joined: 6/26/2006
Msg: 29
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 1/21/2007 8:49:41 AM
yes I believe it is possible to remain friends
 Krimiariver
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 35
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:33:56 AM
One of my best friends is an old girlfriend of maybe 15 years ago. We were and are friends, and there was sex, but ultimately we both had the good sense to realize that we would not be good together. How many people actually have a sense that things would not be right, only to get married and divorced with all of its incumbent hurts several years (or kids) later? To this day if we visit each other's homes, we stay there, even though she has been married for 9 years and I am single (that's about honor and trust). If either of us needs anything, all we need to do is to ask the other.
 singleagain66
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 40
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:30:48 PM
Yes you can and I have and we are still friends till this day and its been over ten years
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 49
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/14/2011 7:47:59 AM
Yes and no. I never remain friends with women with whom I've had sexual relationships. I choose to lose contact with exes. When I've had one-night stands, one of two things has happened. I end up in a relationship with those women whose circumstances don't preclude seeing each other again, even though neither of use planned on more than just spending that one night together, or I end up never seeing them again because it was an opportunity with someone who was visiting a friend from out of town or I was visiting someone in another city and the distance was just too great to maintain any sort of contact. Those were just chance things, where we both realized tonight was it. So, in either of those cases, it was the same result. We did not end up as friends.

The last case was having sex with escorts I've seen. For a while, seeing escorts was, for me, the logical thing to do at the time because it fit my desire to avoid a relationship or waste my time trying to find casual sex. Strangely enough, I DID end up being friends with a number of the escorts I saw. We'd call each other and chit chat, several would take me out to eat and pick up the tab and one even dated me. Another stopped charging me, but after I decided she was getting too close, I would see her from time to time to chit chat over lunch and just give her a little money to help her and kids out of a bad situation.

Finally, I stopped seeing one as a client when I found out I was her only client and she was trying to get out of the escorting business. I loaned her some money so she could pay her rent for her and her kids for a few months without having to see clients. Since she had no real job skills, I hired her to work for me doing legitimate work until she could get some training and find a real job that had some sort of future, be fairly sure she would never go back to escorting and over a year or so, pay me back the money she owed me. (It was quite a lot of money that I couldn't just write off all of it as a gift. In fact, she was the one who made me aware of POF. Had it not been for her, I'd have probably never run across the POF forums and then finally started dating online.) So, basically, even though I had sex with those women, most of them became friends, after I'd visited them as escorts a couple of times. I was single and had no plans to date at the time, so it wasn't a problem.

However, once I started dating, I stopped seeing escorts and once I met my fiancee, I had to cut ties with them altogether, not because there was any animosity between us, but because I really didn't think it was proper to be chit-chatting with 9 or 10 escorts regularly while I was dating someone. They all understood and wished me well, so that when my fiancee and I started dating, they were something my fiancee never had to worry about. I don't think she would have told me I had to drop them as friends, but I could tell that she was somewhat uncomfortable when she wasn't sure whether or not I kept in contact with them. Since one of the fundamenta rules about escort/client relationships is discretion and that one never acknowledges knowing each other if by chance they should run into each other in real life, that is something I don't have to worry about actually happening or worry about some woman coming up and hugging me out of the blue while I'm out shopping with my fiancee.

Oddly enough, my fiancee was still friends with two of her exes and was not all that happy about giving them up (which is something I expect of any woman I date). However, she was a lot happier to give them up, than to either not date me or have me hang on to the escorts friends with whom I'd had sex, though. (I find it funny how a lot of women can't understand why I don't want them to be friends with their exes, until they're faced with what to think about the women I slept with and could rekindle friendships with at which point, they are more ammenable to ditching their exes and sexual partners.) She had no problem with the fact that they were escorts or that I had seen them for sex, but she didn't really want me to remain friends with them. (My best friend is an escort, but since she and I never had sex, that friendship isn't a problem and my fiancee not only likes her, but is very happy that my best friend has been such a wonderfull friend to both of us.)

So, in the end, I do not remain friends with anyone I've slept with nor will I date any women who remains friends with guys she's slept with. I just don't think it's proper and I don't think it's something either of us should have to deal with when we start dating someone new. I think insisting that a potential partner not bring the baggage of exes and former sex partners into a new relationship makes it much easier to build trust between wo people quickly and not hold back or remain cautiously detached unless and until everyone is comfortable (if ever) hanging around with friends who were once sexual partners.

I see lots of threads in which men and women's relationships are strained by having exes around, but I have yet to see thread started by someone whose relationship has been strained by not being friends with exes. I think anyone who truly desires a relationship with someone would dump the baggage that can cause no positive effect for the relationship. Yes, I could be friends with exes and former sex partners, but I choose to not be.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 50
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/14/2011 9:17:15 AM
Most of my female friends that I would consider to be -good- friends are the ones that I've had sex with. I think it was helpful that the sort of mystery of sex wasn't "on the brain" anymore. In a sense (at least for my particular circumstance) it relieved the tension. The other nice thing about it was that when they were between relationships, I had sometimes been turned into the designated dial-a-fvck.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 51
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/14/2011 10:04:22 AM
I think it's usually over-simplifying things to distinguish "just sex" from emotional attachment. I'm sure there are exceptions, but for a lot of us there's always affection involved. Maybe a few minutes of one-point contact--if that's really all you want--is just sex. But kissing, whispering, undressing each other, exploring, and fondling for hours, spending the night in and out of each other's arms? That's a whole different thing, and it can be very intense and intimate. After experiencing that even a couple times, if you also like each other in non-sexual ways, you may not be able to spend time together without feeling like more than friends. If you can't be in love, sometimes it's better for you both to go your separate ways.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 53
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/14/2011 10:28:43 PM
yes as long as feelings are not involved ( which most cases there are a little ugly word we like to call JEALOUSY ).
 4asongkc
Joined: 5/13/2011
Msg: 55
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WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/16/2011 10:24:49 AM
Once again, it's not an exact science. Everybody's different. There are no right or wrong answers.

@Todreamandbelieve: You are absolutely right, women (not always, but more often than not) will tend to be more emotionally affected by "crossing that line" than guys.
We're just wired different, there's no good guy or bad guy there.

@Somvara: absolutely correct, that it is to a great degree, about emotional maturity. It's not a contract or an obligation to each other once that's happened. You're consenting adults, obviously there's a mutual sexual attraction going on. And not a thing wrong with that. It SHOULDN'T change your relationship, although if you wind up falling in love with each other as a result, there's nothing wrong with that, either.

I'm friends to this day with a woman who I was friends with first, became lovers briefly, and remained friends afterwards. We've known each other for 25 years now, have both been through marriages and divorces, both have children. I've been FWB's with a couple of other gals who I've since lost touch with (nobody's fault, it was all good).

Interestingly enough, THOSE are arguably some of the best relationships I've ever had with women, because there are/were no strings attached; either direction.
Do I love them one bit less? Absolutely not. I am still friends with a woman who I've regarded as the love of my life, and the lover of my life as well. That took 25 years as well to finally reach that point! But I'm happy to say that we are truly "there".

@Marnie71: I promise this is not directed at you personally, but WTF is up with being furious with the guy whom you see as just having an agenda? He never treated you any differently, one way or another. He was your friend, unconditionally. So he was secretly crazy about you. Why is that a crime?

I want to understand that, sincerely. I confessed my feelings to a woman who was my former boss. I genuinely considered her a friend, someone whom I trusted with info that I didn't say to just anyone. I believed she felt the same way. I was already convinced that she didn't have the same romantic feelings, which is the main reason I'd never breathed a word to her about it. And that was OK! I was being a big boy about it, for crying out loud. We'd worked together for 13 years, before she moved on. Not once during our tenure together did she ever know a thing about my feelings. Whether it was against company policy or not, there's no way I was going to cross that line at our jobs. Not a chance. In fact, I didn't confess to her how I felt about her until a year AFTER she left her job. She reacted the same way as you. I've never seen her since.

I say all of this, Marnie, because I've forgotten how many times I've read women's sentiments on this site who want to "find their best friend", as well as their lover, soulmate, etc., etc., etc.. You had the brass ring in your hands, and you threw it away??? I'll take furious over disappointed and bewildered, any day, Marnie. What is up with that, anyway?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 56
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Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/16/2011 12:01:21 PM

bullielover62:
I have found that penile insertion changes things, whereas just playing around, maybe some backdoor action and a dildo being inserted into the vagina by the guy, instead of his real thang, keeps things at a level women can handle.


Now that is some post. (Wiping sweat from brow).

I don't believe I have ever gone that far, and not gone all the way. Maybe I'm not as experienced as I thought I was?

Yes, perhaps it's time I went back to school for some "advanced studies".....
 luv2 holdu
Joined: 10/26/2009
Msg: 58
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/16/2011 4:56:46 PM
Hello:

It depends on the situation. If both agree to decide to stop the sexual relationship then I can see it as working out, but if one person still wants the sex and the other person doesn't want to have sex any longer then it probably won't work out.

I left lovers after two years of having sex them when they found religion and stopped wanting to **** a married man.

I still love them, but I couldn't be friends with them any longer.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 63
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/16/2011 8:11:21 PM

In my world my feelings run parallel with my desire...Just because you want something, doesn't make it right to leap at it


This is the major difference between men and women. Men take a logical approach to sex: "I'm horny and she's horny, so we should have sex and everybody is happy and satisfied."

Women let their ever changing hormones do their thinking instead of using their gray matter between their ears, which many times causes more problems to any situation because women over-think every situation. Women are saying to themselves: "I'm horny and I know he's horny, but I must come up with a thousand reasons why we shouldn't have sex and come up with another thousand why we should have sex, and I must psycho-analyze every reason for and against having sex before making any decision. It's so confusing."

It reminds me of cartoon characters who have a tiny angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other shoulder, and the one is saying "Go ahead and do it." and the other is saying "Don't do it. You'll be sorry", which totally confuses the issue.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 64
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?
Posted: 6/16/2011 9:05:03 PM
WSRFR Asked a good question, Can men and women be friends 'after' having sex?

Of course they can be friends............as long as they don't sexually abuse one another!



But what happens if they want to sexually abuse one another?

Answer....well then they can't be friends, simple as that.
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