Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > Sobriety, dating in recovery....      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I would think that a man honest enough to address his problems will attract a good woman. I'm not sure if there is a formula for you man, we're all inviduals whatever vices from our past we share. Great luck to you my friend!
 marmott
Joined: 9/30/2006
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/17/2006 5:34:56 PM
Well the last gal I almost dated in the program wanted to lied to, to control everything, except herself, and insisted she felt nothing for me but wanted to abuse me as much as she could. And wanted sex as much as possible.

I took the stand that I would not beat around the issues at hand, not try and fix her, and be up front and as honest as I can be with everything that affects my life. And if that was to much for her to handle she should go find another hostage instead of wanting me to play those games with her.
She did, she picked up a guy that wants to be abusive and be abused.

One old timer in this area swears to not get involved with gals in the program, ever.
But he picked up a newcomer, and married her and was with her for nearly 20+yrs. Go figure.

There is no real stance on dating in recovery.

Truth is if you work on yourself as much as you can I the first year, you will go through as many changes as a woman pregnant coming to term, Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Being in a relationship or dating another person who has the only best goal of improving his/her life to be the best they can and being on this road with someone who can be “present” can be a wonderful thing, as well a challenging thing.

Anyone who comes from a place who “Tells” anyone else what to do is coming from a place of control and manipulation and disrespecting themselves and others.
Perhaps advising others of your personal experience, what you have seen, done, and accomplished would be better than ordering people or attacking their character would be better served as an example of how to live, rather than how to dictate.

Marc G 1992
 marmott
Joined: 9/30/2006
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 3:25:15 PM
db you better read your DSM4tr and look at the DSM5 a little closer you missed a few points it is not a matter of just stoping. as a psychologist i asume you actually have some education on teh subject?
what are the 5 things that happen in relation to finding the cure/treatment for alcoholism?
 marmott
Joined: 9/30/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 3:30:08 PM
db you better read your DSM4tr and look at the DSM5 a little closer you missed a few points it is not a matter of just stoping. as a psychologist i asume you actually have some education on teh subject?
what are the 5 things that happen in relation to finding the cure/treatment for alcoholism?
 belly18dancer
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 6
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:19:49 PM
getting back to the original poster's question.

i dated an alcoholic...he was not up front about it at first...which is why i got involved in the first place...i cared about him and when he told mek, i felt i could not walk away...which in hindsight is exactly what i should have done...would have saved me a lot of heartache and ill feelings between us...he lied a lot, he cheated, and would excuse himself by saying it's the alcohol...true he was a nice guy when not drinking which he never did around me...but fact is he was a total jacka** when he was drinking...he had tried to go into recovery at different times, and he told me that they tell you to avoid relationships during your first year of recovery....

supposedly he stopped drinking when he got married to his ex wife...but when he suspected her of cheating and she asked for a divorce, he began again...and it got steadily worse...he had an abuse charge for pushing her, a dui charge and supposedly ''quit'' his job, although it came after him spending a night in jail for the dui....everytime he got upset about his ex wife, he'd drink, and he would become belligerent about her...and do crazy things...and she knew how to push his buttons

obviously he is one who cannot maintain any kind of relationship and go into recovery....it is one of his stress factors that caused him to drink heavily....maybe it depends on the person, but i think to work the program right, perhaps you need to follow all the rules they give u...
 Hawkdream
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 9/8/2007 9:51:44 AM
I've gotten to the point that sobriety is pretty much a prerequisite for me to date someone. The others just don't cut the mustard. Too boring, unaware, unspiritual, whatever. My sobriety date is Aug 1, 1984. I still go to meetings and still talk recovery. Heck, I even still work in a similar field. Best way of life I ever saw and saved my bacon!
 Hawkdream
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 10/27/2007 7:47:51 AM
Most of the time, you're right about a person's true colors coming out within the first month. Sometimes it takes me longer and I get more invested in the relationship to the point it really hurts me to lose a "friend" who is not good for me. It took me almost 2 years to figure out one fellow, since I only saw him occasionally and the rest of the time, we talked on the phone or computer. I still haven't seen him drinking, but I have found out there were some lies he told that were very important. Plus, I always notice things like complaining about not having enough money to pay bills but having a stash of alcohol. It seems "social" drinker can cover a wide degree of use and abuse.
 Hawkdream
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:25:20 PM
I think there's wisdom behind the very common suggestion to not get into a new relationship the first 12 months of sobriety. I tell women new in recovery, "Get a plant. If the plant lives 6 months, then you can get a dog. If the dog lives 6 month, THEN you can have a relationship."
Seriously, it takes all we have to build a healthy relationship with ourself that first year. Some of us have low self esteem. Some of us have too MUCH self-esteem (of the unhealthy, self-centered kind). Many of us have to figure out we're not the center of the universe and we have to learn what a healthy relationship LOOKS like. Anything that makes us feel good we can get addictive about and we tend to take hostages rather than "lovers" and we tend to fall for the "instant relationship" fix, expecting someone to MAKE us healthy, whole, happy, etc.
And "thirteenth-stepping" (aka "recovery by insertion") is very common in 12-step groups. Predatory men AND women find people who are new in recovery, who desperately want to be rescued, a magic "fix", and "love" to them is an addiction as much as any chemical ever was. (If it feels good, we can get hooked.)
So, these newcomers are vulnerable and ripe for the exploiting and these predators will promise safety, protection, help, and "love", then, first thing you know, they are providing some chemical in exchange for physical favors.
If we want to be healthy, whole, and happily sober, we have to figure out how to cultivate that spectrum of CHARACTERistics that enable us to stay sober, happy and healthy, and the same kind of addictive approach to relationship is a detour from this process in the first few months of sobriety for a whole lot of us.
 Hawkdream
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 6/10/2012 3:32:17 PM
I see noone has posted to this thread for several years. In case someone does come by, it seems people with codependency issues and chemical addictions tend to fall hard & fast and need to invest the time and effort into building a relationship that's healthy, once they've figured out who they are minus alcohol/drugs and what they need to thrive, what they want from a relationship, etc.
Just not drinking/drugging doesn't teach us how to have healthy relationships and some of us don't know what "normal" looks like. We need to find that out after we figure out who we are.
I healthy relationship is going to bring out the BEST in each other, both people, both people get their needs met, not just one of them. It takes so much to have a healthy relationship and just abstaining from chemicals will not give us that. We do have to be sober long enough to learn what we need to know in order to start having healthy relationships.
I spent a lot of time building/rebuilding relationships with my family over the years. It's a lot better and I love seeing my kids start getting healthier and making healthier choices. That's worth a lot!
One thing I would suggest is to try the group date thing. Rather than focus on a 1:1 intense from the beginning, instant "relationship", get involved with group activities, invite friends who support your recovery, or are in recovery, whatever you choose for your support network, to do things together. That takes a lot of the pressure off and gives you time to learn to socialize in a healthy, more pro-social way.
I hope somebody gets something out of this.
 MysteriaFemme
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 11
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 6/11/2012 10:16:15 AM
Hey all, My name is Dave. I understand that while new in recovery it really isnt advised. However, when the point does come when you want the company of another, and not feel that you NEED someone to fill some emptiness. Where can you turn? I am in recovery, I have no issue with my being honest about that, in fact, That recovery is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I have a mere shadow of myself to offer, anyone. And anyone in recovery will feel the same way. So, I figured I would post this, maybe get some feed back. I was very surprised to see very little about this subject already, considering there are millions of people like myself across the nation. Thanx for letting me share, I am Dave, and I am an addict


I think you should talk to your sponsor. I think your sponsor will tell you to take the focus off of the future and put the focus in the day. You are so far off-base. If you have nothing to bring to the table then don't take anything back from the table. You have so much work to do on YOU.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 12
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 6/11/2012 12:47:32 PM

I am in recovery, I have no issue with my being honest about that, in fact, That recovery is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I have a mere shadow of myself to offer, anyone.


I've been involved with 2 men in recovery thinking they were good choices due to no drinking or drugs and a relationship with a higher power. At the end of the day my advice is to date only women who are also in the program. It simply got a little old for me to feel on the outside of their true family and home group. A little too much closeness and priority with other members that I was not a part of, was a turn off to me after a year or two of dating. Keep it in the family.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 13
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:05:39 PM
I thought the rule of thumb is while trying to get recovery or starting, no new relationships for a year.

I would imagine someone in the rooms would be better off dating someone else in the rooms too, as well as doing most of their socializing w/ other friends of Bill.

You should be asking your sponsor this question first.

Do you go to sober dances & meet people there? At least there is a commonality. Although I am not an alcoholic, I've been in the rooms for other things & have been invited to sober dances in the past.


You have so much work to do on YOU.

Clean your own side of the street.
 MysteriaFemme
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 14
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:38:15 PM
Clean your own side of the street.


Hmmm ... weren't you the one that created an entire profile to ME?! after your "stalking incident" ... please stop stalking me. You posted to me ... remember that when you report me.

It simply got a little old for me to feel on the outside of their true family and home group. A little too much closeness and priority with other members that I was not a part of, was a turn off to me after a year or two of dating.


What people in recovery fail to remember is that people not in recovery count too.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 15
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 6/11/2012 7:07:21 PM

Hey, StalkyMcStalkerson! Quit peeking from behind the curtains at what the neighbors are doing. What the hell does your comment directed at Mysteria even mean? She is in a happy, long term relationship with a REAL PERSON and her house doesn't smell like cat litter & candles. She isn't making threads about her horrible friends, her horrible co-workers, people without pictures, and men who don't kiss her pretends-not-to-have-a-fat-ass.

Aside from telling a few dumbasses what time it is, she seems to have her life in order. AND, surprise of surprises, she doesn't have to run around the internet saying LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!! IF I TELL YOU I'M HOT AND HAVE COUPONS, YOU MIGHT BELIEVE THAT I AM NOT A SAD SAD DESPERATE TO BE LIKED PERSON!!

I hope you reported yourself for being off topic while you are tattling about the rest of us.

projecting much?....yawn...
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 16
Sobriety, dating in recovery....
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:57:15 AM
http://www.daily-reflections.com/2010/09/07/our-side-of-the-street-2-2/

We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. Alcoholics Anonymous Pages 77 – 78
**********************************************************************************************
Clean Up Your Side of the Street

It’s not your job to fix other people.

It’s not your job to solve their problems.

It’s not your job to make sure other people are happy with you.

It’s not your job to remove the anger from other people.

You need to “stay on your side of the street”.

The sooner you realize this the better!
Definition of the Term

A friend of mine has a wonderful term about how it’s not your responsibility to fix other people. She calls it “cleaning up your side of the street”.

What she means by this is that your side of the “street” is your own feelings and needs and it’s your responsibility to “clean it up” and not to worry about the other side of the “street” which has other people’s feelings and needs.

It follows along with an earlier post about taking responsibility for your life by not blaming other people and focusing solely on yourself.

Example

I’ll give you an example to help reinforce the idea.

You get into an argument with your significant other about spending money on a new car. You are trying to be practical about the purchase and your significant other wants to splurge a little bit and get a nicer looking car.

The “street” is the purchase of a new car, the problem you’re discussing.

Your side of the street is your needs: met and unmet. In our example, your need is to be practical.

Your significant other’s side of the street is their needs: met and unmet. In our example, their need to have a flashy car.

You need to stay on your side of the street of this discussion and work on your needs and not cross the street to try and handle your significant other’s needs.

How to Apply it

In the example above, what you have control over is yourself and your reaction to the argument. It’s not your responsibility to convince your significant other to see your point of view.

They have their own needs that they bring to the table that affect their reaction to the situation. It’s not your job to fix those needs.

The only person you are responsible for and have control over is yourself.

This is not to say that you remove caring for the other person by any means! This is not a way to remove love and kindness from the relationship.

The point is that while you have respect and love for someone else, it’s not your responsibility to solve their problems for them. If they ask for help, then by all means cross the street and help them, but it’s not your job to fix their problems.

The only person who can fix their problems is themselves!

Nobody else.

You can assist in fixing those problems, but nobody can fix them for you.

You can work together to come to a mutually agreeable solution, but you need to understand each person’s side of the street while staying on your own side. Understanding the needs of others will help you understand where they’re coming from and what they’re seeking out of the discussion.

The Power

Once you begin “staying on your side of the street” and stop trying to solve other people’s problems, you will feel relief. The only person that can fix their problems is themselves, so trying to do that for other people is wasting your limited supply of energy. You’ll be able to redirect that wasted energy and use it on more productive tasks.

Staying on your side of the street is a tough lesson to learn and to practice. If this concept is new to you, give yourself empathy when you “cross the street” because it is going to happen.

What’s important is that you catch yourself doing it and then walk back over to your side of the street. Noticing the behavior you want to change is the first step in changing that behavior.

Stay on your side of the street and you’ll be just fine!

http://warriordave.com/2012/clean-up-your-side-of-the-street

OP I posted this for others, hope it is ok, your HP will send you a partner
Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > Sobriety, dating in recovery....