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Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 1
What to doPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
This is a long story, but i would appreciate some advice.

I met a man in a sports bar new years eve 2003. We hit it off great, sex was the best i had ever experienced (and for me that says alot). He has 5 children from his last marriage, and to be honest she makes me want to beat the crap out of her for the way she treats her kids.

However, 3 months after we started to date i knew i was in love with him. We had discussed his feelings on getting remarried etc. He said absolutely he did not want to be married again (after having found his wife in bed with his best friend he is scarred for life). Now i got pregnant and i had swore to him that if i did, he wouldnt be responsible at all. I even went to far as to tell him i would move far away (which i did) if i ever got pregnant. The thing is, I am completely in love with him. We havent even seen each other for 3 years and it wasnt until this summer that i convinced myself to not talk to him anymore. (we were talking almost every night for 3 years) I tried just being friends. I tried keeping it simple. But the thing is i love him.

I would like to fall in love with someone else, someone who wants to love me as much as i do them.

But he calls me, and the sound of his voice makes me feel all those things again. It is painful. I think maybe he feels the same way but wont let himself because he has been so hurt in the past.

and i tell myself, i cant wait around forever. He is 43 and i am 26. He doesnt want anymore kids. I want a large loving family. He lives in california and i now live in missouri.

Tell me men, what does it say to you when a man goes three years only talking to one woman, only having had sexual experiences with that one woman, but refuses to commit.

Tell me women, what would you do if you were so in love and the man you loved didnt want to commit to you, but at the same time didnt want to let you go?
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 2
What to do
Posted: 10/7/2006 5:00:39 PM
Yes i have a son by him. And no i am not the type to force the issue of responsibility. If i allowed him to be there for my son, i know he would. He is just that type of man. But i did not, do not want my relationship with him to hinge on the fact that i got knocked up.

I know there is no one else in his life. He is the most open and honest man i have ever known. I have the uncanny ability to know when i am being played with. My grandfather was in navel intelligence and through being around him i learned how to tell honest men apart.

If i ever need anything all i have to do is pick up the phone and ask. He has always been there for me. And in every other respect we are GREAT together.

The only problem is he wont marry me. I want to be a family, and he is scared of getting hurt.
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 3
What to do
Posted: 10/7/2006 5:32:32 PM
Mssg 8:

He has residental custody of his other 5 children, He is raising them solo. I know he isnt sleeping with anyone else. It just comes down to how well you know someone, and i know him.

After he found his now ex wife in bed with his best friend he went 5 years without so much as kiss from another woman. I guess you could say i am the only woman he has been with for over 8 years now. and I KNOW THIS. don't know how else i can say that. But i know him.

I love him and my biggest problem is letting go. I dont call him anymore. But he calls me, and i am the kind of person that likes having someone to call late at night, when i have a bad dream or am stressing about something, who actually cares about me. I know he cares.

Not many men would be ok with being woke up at 3am and being asked to just talk to me for awhile...

Anyways, I wasnt really asking for judgement on his character only some advice on how to get over him.

Actually i dont know what i need. I just wish there was an easy button on this relationship.
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 4
What to do
Posted: 10/7/2006 5:48:05 PM
I am sorry but the idea that he doesn't want to get hurt as a reason to not get married does not make sense to me. You can get hurt by someone even if you aren't married to them.

Also what does any of that have to do with the son you have together? It is still his son, and he still should show him love and help take care of him.

He isn't a child, he is a grown man in his 40's. I caught my sister in bed with my first husband, but it doesn't mean I am unwilling to commit to another man. Sounds like a very lame excuse to me. Especially three years latter.
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 5
What to do
Posted: 10/7/2006 5:55:03 PM
I miss calling him like i used to. I dont call him anymore. I miss it.

I don't like the way his ex-wife treats her kids. She basically yelled and screamed at them to get out of her life (even the 4yo) then went through the process of giving up custody to him. She used to bring over men and women at all hours of the night for "intimate encounters". And she is what i consider scum of the earth. The only time she has anything to do with her kids is when she is playing some new guy into feeling sorry for her. BTW she has like 6 other kids. all with different daddies. and all pretty much since she the divorce.

I know when i am being played. And i know its hard for you to identify with my situation and not believe he isn't a lying cheating **stard. But he is not!

Simply put earlier. We want different things out of a relationship. I want stability and commitment. And he wants to do whatever it takes not to put himself in a position where he will get hurt again.
Joined: 5/22/2005
Msg: 6
view profile
What to do
Posted: 10/7/2006 6:17:51 PM
Sadly, from what I've read so far, the child has never met dad.
I dont' know if youve' breached this issue, but it appears it might be time.
You might find his heart isn't quite as calloused towards marriage if you were to arrange allowing him to see his child, and you might set up infrequent visits. You should also ask about support as it is his responsibility. Nothing could benefit them both (and you) as much as an opportunity to see each other for the first time. You might be surprised to find him a bit more receptive to the idea of putting this back together and rekindle the relationshps romance if he were to see his own child.

My 2.2 cts worth
Joined: 5/22/2005
Msg: 7
view profile
What to do
Posted: 10/8/2006 4:50:25 AM
Kickin1back is right. Who is she, (mother or not), to disallow a father a right to see their own child, unless deemed otherwise unfit. It's funny how the OP says he'd be there if she "appointed" the opportunity, and yet she still gets,...

WRONG, he wants to do whatever it takes to not have to take his responsibility(Curvesallover)

....AS if the guy has had a chance to even see or hold his own child. OR to decide CS. OR visitation. SHe hasn't "allowed" him to see his child. Period.

Some people. Never in all my life would I imagine so many women harbor children like they're their own possession and they hold all the rights to the children?

Just FYI< .... it isn't for moms to decide if dad is to see his child, regardless of how many he's already overseeing.
Joined: 5/22/2005
Msg: 8
view profile
What to do
Posted: 10/8/2006 9:32:19 AM
Curves, youre' right, I do insist and have fought dearly (to the tune of $80,000) to continue my relationship with my children after their mother did everything in her power to severe our ties.

My apologies if you were speaking directly to the OP getting over the fellow.
I, for one, feel it's an "obligation" for father/child to have a relationship. However, this scenario seems a bit different, from all angles. They'll work it out, and if the kids dont' see their father, I suppose it's not my point to butt in.
Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 9
What to do
Posted: 10/8/2006 10:18:25 AM
This guy did not want any more children but you went and had one anyway?...hmmmm...I'm not sure who has more issues.
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