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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > What does my children come first mean to you?      Home login  
Joined: 9/2/2006
Msg: 4
What does my children come first mean to you?Page 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Hmm, I think it means just what it says, YOU are NOT first, which, if one does not have kids they will put the other first- creating an imbalance that most people have a difficult time dealing with. It's really a crap generalization. There is time to put the kids first and time to put the significant other first, so I think it's a matter of ballance. Who's willing to work towards it and be honest to themselves and others during the process?
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 5
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 2:11:08 AM
I can relate, my ex . disapeared from their life I don't even have everyother weekend, the way that I look at it I only have so much time to be with my kids before they grow up and have their own life , right now I am molding them and if nothing alse they will be aware that friends come and go but family lasts for ever.
I do go out but usually when they are at sleep. And not to get laid or "find my partner" but to get some other adult stimulation and dance.Like I tell them they have their friends I too want to have some friends and I never take time away from my kids for them .
The only thing that bothers me is the fact that they haven't seen me for a long time with a lady friend and am not sure if they know what a decent lady is suposed to be like and I realy don't want them to end up with a woman like their mom (this is just between us) I never spoke bad of her and they understand that unfortunately their moms choice was not in their best interest because she got into Meth. (Nasty shit everyone should condemm people who use it or is willing to try it). But that is just my opinion.
In answer to your question.
It means if you have free "ME" time you would like to hang out and share some adventures wether is dancing or a comedy show or a bike ride or what ever YOU want to do as an adult , you want someone you can count on being flexible and not dependent on you.
There are 2 types of relationships the A type and the H type the A type you lean on each other /\ and if one can't be there the other one falls __ but they come together in the middle - . The H relationship (is what I think is the best) is when you stand on your own l and your partner on its own l and come together in the middle to share life's experiences with eachother wether is together or separate l-l.
I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for, I comend you on not letting your kids slip over selfishness, when they grow up they will remember this and be better parents for it (at least I'm hoping).
Hang in there lady and if worse comes to worse , you can always call me I am listed and I think you know who I am.
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 7
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:57:19 AM
A cause of a significant amount of relationships (including marriages) failing is because people put their children first. Children should not always be put first. Putting children first ALL the time teaches children that they are most important person and teaches them that the world revolves around them. These children can grow up to be little princes and princess who feel they are entitled to be the #1 and most important person at all times in life, which just is not the case. Now, I am a single mother. My son's NEEDs are the most important thing in our life and will always come first. My son needs a home, food, education, stimulation, nurturing, guidance and some of my time (not ALL of my time). My son's WANTS do not need to be the most important thing in my life. He does not need to be involved in every activity so that I am overstressed, exhausted and have no time to myself. My son understands that I need time without him to see my friends and do my own thing. There is nothing wrong with having someone babysit so that you have time to go out with someone and have a relationship. As a parent, you still need to take care of yourself and have time to yourself. You said your oldest is 13, is she old enough to babysit while you go meet someone for coffee or dinner? Can you arrange that all the kids go and visit friends on a particular weekend, night or afternoon? What about swapping with other parents and doing rotating weekends? Do they have family they can have dinner with while you go out for a few hours? If you really want a relationship with someone, you will make time for them. If I had a guy I was dating tell me that he could only see me everyother weekend (if he didn't have other plans) I would not have a relationship with him. My boyfriend and I have worked our schedules out together to ensure that we have quality time together as compromise is needed by everyone involved.
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 8
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:04:58 AM
Zookeeper - First of all, typing in CAPS is considered yelling and there is no reason to yell. The past is the past, we can not dwell in the past, but work for a better future. Even though there is no "pecking order" in my household, my son knows that he is loved, but he also knows how to compomise and respect others personal time. I do not understand why children services would be called for dating and spending a reasonable amount of time with a significant other. Everyone has time they could spend building a relationship without taking away from our children's lives, you just have to be creative and make it work. I do not believe because someone does not want to take a back seat to your children, that they are selfish.
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 9
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:14:00 AM

Well.... to me it means in the first phase of dating I may not be so available at a moments' whim to go out. I dont feel comfortable leaving them home all the time with a sitter, I feel its disrespectful to them.MY money goes to their care first so i may not be able to reciprocate or spoil my date either.

However.... as a relationship grows and love becomes present.. i am fully prepared to invest more time and attention to him to nuture our relationship.

So in the end, he gets to the top of my list right next to my kids. And if he is my kinda guy, he too will say WITH ME..... they come first!

There's a saying... not on top, not at the bottom, but beside you.
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 10
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:51:29 AM
I think the main reason that a lot of people do not want to date single parents is this whole "kids come first thing" A lot of single parents are unwilling to devote anytime to a significant other. Just because you are a parent does not mean you have to be superwomen/superman. Married couples get babysitters so that they can have a night out, why shouldn't single parents? Married couples have their children spend the night at friends houses and have play dates, why shouldn't single parents? Married couples have their children spend the weekend with friends and family, why shouldn't single parents? It seems like a lot of single parents feel that to be a good parent, their life has to revolve around their children, when it does not. I do not feel it is such a horrible thing for the person you are dating to expect to spend some time with you. They do have to understand that a childs needs are the priority, but that you are also willing to compromise when you can to reach a happy medium. Just because a parent has a life, does not mean they are not a good parent.

Whitetigeress - I love that saying - not on top, not at the bottom, but beside you
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 11
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:11:17 AM
bingo,Kap! glad you like that saying Sunny

I think the whole understanding of kids coming first is a good indicator of whether your date is a good match for you or not
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 12
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:49:27 AM
Hi Kiashmiah, there are a lot of good ideas posted here.

The statement "My question is....why is this so hard for a man to accept?"

Many of us men have seen marriages fail because of problems with step children, so we tend to be very cautious.

But just my 2 cents,
No one and I mean No one should ever be more important than the health and well being of your children. You stated your 15 yr old son encouraged you to go out and enjoy adult companionship. Sounds like a mature young man. Your 13 yr daughter still is hurting from the divorce, she should be reassured of how important she is to you, but not control you.

Children should be protected, not meet any dates, until there may be a time that person becomes very important/serious relationship for you. Someone posted friends may come and go, that is how you explain, your dates and adult friends to your children

I think the most important thing. Honesty from the beginning with any man interested in a date. ie I have x number of children and the ages are x, x, and x. You have provided him with important information and then he can decide if "he" can handle a relationship with you and your children.

As long as YOU controll the home and not the children(s). Most men can handle a relationship with step children.

You stated a christian-other in your profile. Look for some adult mature, positive, christain friends for friendship, this will/should also help with your younger children understanding adult friendship.

good luck, happy and watch out the 's

Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 13
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:21:18 PM
why is this so hard for a man to accept?

I found the answer to it quite early into my son's first months. His father would just not understand that time that our little man settled faster in my arms than his even if he was offering him the same bottle of milk as I did. Why? Simple answer. Little chappie could smell me and comfort was coming straight away with this recognition.

As the little man grew up that bond we had created while he was a part of me and later outside my body, is still strong enough for both of us to know what the other is thinking. We can read our faces like books. When he is happy, I'm happy and vice versa.

As I would accept my man's kids to be his priority #1, so I would sincerely hope he would understand the same on my part.
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 16
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:10:06 PM

Some of the people here make some good points. Right now it sounds like you don't really have time for a relationship, and you should put it off until later in your life. That would be fair to everybody.
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 17
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 5:50:07 AM

Another the person who wrote about the mother who has her child involved in extra-curricular activities and asks why......ARE YOU KIDDING???? My you haven't a clue!!!! You think we keep our children busy because we enjoy living in the car taking them to practices, events et??? We do it to keep our children's minds and bodies healthy!
Many parents over schedule their children's activites so they feel like a good, involved parent.
Just because your children are involved in extra-curricular does not mean you do not have time to date someone or make them a priority in your life. I take my son to speech therapy, occupational therapy and behavior therapy every week. We are also very active with the Boys and Girls Club, Special Olympics and Families First. This does not make it unable for me to date. Every Thursday, I come home, go swimming, cook dinner, do homework, play some yahtzee or another board game, get my son ready for bed and then his grandmother comes and reads with him while he goes to sleep. I am also lucky because his father takes him every other weekend. An understanding boyfriend and our ability to compromise on our schedule allows us to date. And every Friday night is date night. The weekend I have my son, we go out to dinner and then an activity and then the weekend he is at dad's, I go out on my dates. All I am saying, is that if you want to date, there is a way and you can make time. If you can not make time, then you really do not want to date and should step away from the dating scene until you are ready to actively date.
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 19
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 10:10:53 AM
msg 64,

Because you can't treat them equally. It's not the same. In MANY cases, the mother (and this has happened to me) will tell you that those children are not yours. That it is not your place to dicipline them etc. They already have a father...

They are not your children, not your blood. It's impossible to feel the exact (equal) way you do about your own. That does not mean you don't love them. It just means it won't be the same,
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 21
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 2:40:25 PM

no boyfriend or girlfriend has the right to correct a child in any manner.
I so do not get this. So you are saying that the parent is the only one who has a right to correct a child in ANY manner? What about a teacher, principal, and daycare worker? These people all have the right to correct your child. When you leave your child with a family member or a babysitter, you give them the right to correct your child. Why would a boyfriend or girlfriend not have the right to correct a child in ANY manner? This is why children walk all over significant others and step-parents. These children insist "you're not my mother/father so you can't tell me what to do" and why do they say that, because the paternal/maternal parent teaches them this. If I trust someone to be around my son, spend time with my son, watch my son and care for my son, they are allowed to correct my son. I am not saying they have the right to discipline my child, but they can correct them. Would you rather them allow your child to hurt themselves, someone else, or damage something because your partner was afraid to correct them?
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 23
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 4:29:06 PM
Well, guess I am the only one who believes it takes a village to raise a child. I will correct anyone's and everyone's child when there is any threat of danger or destruction of property. If my son is in danger, I would hope someone would step in. If my son is spending time at another parents house, they have the right to correct him, as does as babysitter, teacher, adult friend and yes, my boyfriend. You can guarantee I trust my boyfriend as much as I trust a babysitter.

Since when does significant other signify LOVER? according to Merriam-Webster it is "a person who is important to one's well-being; especially : a spouse or one in a similar relationship" I would never have a "lover" around my children. I would have a long term boyfriend/significant other around my son.

Wether or not I am married to someone does not make that individual person more or less likely to abuse my child. There are real threats out there, but the media makes a mockery of every incident making it seem like it is widespread. There is also abuse in daycares, schools, homes, churches everyday, but because my boyfriend helps my child stay safe does not mean he is more likely to harm my child.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 26
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 4:11:30 PM
Kiashmiah (OP),

The truth is that I am not interested in the "dating scene."

Whenever I meet someone new, my oldest daughter (13) becomes emotional and always says "the same thing will happen to you as it did with dad" meaning that they will become non-existent in my life, and the "man" will be my only interest.

I think this does answer your original question. "Children come first" -- is an over-used cliche... what the heck is that supposed to mean? Getting to work supercedes going out on dates, just as tending to a child's fundamental needs does too!

Yes, many guys come to realize that they'll have less time than they thought with a woman they're starting to date, because of her children. I'm not ignoring that... but many single mothers aren't ready to date, either.

If you have issues with the dating scene, and feel pressure from your children about dating anyone, then definitely take that into consideration in how it's affecting you, which I think you are. I think those issues may lead you to not call a guy to let him know what's going on, because you are busy with children and other issues, and due to that -- your heart isn't into dating -- not that some guy's trying to SOAK up your time away from your children.

The guy was probably left hanging, but someone working 70 hours a week, or working and having kids, doesn't mean the other person "doesn't understand" -- sometimes, you're just too caught up in other aspects of your life that you're too mentally exhausted to "deal" with the dating scene.
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 27
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/2/2006 3:10:55 PM

I think.....

the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with,

grow old with,

share everything with..

Should come first

I agree 100%. Yes when children are young, yes thier needs come first, but it doesn't mean they come first in your heart.

I really think that this idea of children always come first is a big reason people end up divorced.
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 28
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/2/2006 3:14:02 PM

boyfriends husnbands etc they come n go
ur babies are forever tho

A boyfriend and a husband are worlds apart.

A husband or a wife is meant to be forever and should be treated that way.

If I were to ever marry a man with young children, I would expect their needs to come first, but I would also expect to tie for number 1 in so far as who was important to my husband.
Joined: 9/23/2006
Msg: 29
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:34:42 AM
It would be a terrible world if parents didn't take care of and guard their children from harm. I don't think anyone wants to support a world like that, but that's not the point. Obviously parents feel that way about their kids and a profile is not the place to make such statements for those seeking a long-term, loving relationship.

If they state anything about their kids in a profile, women seem to write either "my children are the most important thing in my life" or "my children come first."

I am so sick of seeing this. It is a huge turnoff and I won't respond to a profile with statements of that ilk. In fact, it is starting to piss me off. I'm not upset that they feel that way: any good parent would. It’s that they are so out of touch with the rest of the world that they actually think this helps their situation.

Yeah…I want to enter a relationship where from the get-go I'm being marginalized and told that I will never be as important to her as other members of her family. The children come first statement insults the intelligence of all men. Ladies with kids: unless you are trolling for utterly stupid or emotionally defective men, you need to stop including such disclaimers in your profile. Disclose the fact that you have children and nothing more. You are reducing your prospects to men who either have problems or will be emotionally unavailable to you, in which case, you might as well advertise for an intimate encounter only. Think about it: you are putting up boundaries so huge from the onset through your infatuation for your children, any man who gets with you knows he’ll be such a low priority in your life that he only expects a relationship of convenience and probably won't become emotionally attached to you. Why should he? You are indicating up front that he will be distanced.

I’ve had some good relationships with women with kids who were realistic and didn’t approach it this way. If you are seeking a serious relationship, you need to be able to open up to a man in your life as a partner. As your love emerges, his love for you will expand to include love for your children. Men are protectors and they will eventually guard your children as an extension of you. If you are going to be in a relationship, you have to take this risk. He didn’t make your family, you did that with someone else, so it is even more imperative to breathe a little, live a little and create a space in your heart to welcome another on the same deep level that led to you being a parent in the first place.

Women, if you are not ready to be an equal partner with a man, be open to loving equality, drop the pretenses. Stop stating the obvious feelings you have for your children in your profile. If you truly want a long-term, focus on the man. The rest will follow.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 30
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:25:14 AM
It means that she's laying the foundation for an excuse to get out of a relationship.
 Reel Tyme
Joined: 7/16/2006
Msg: 31
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:26:49 PM
it means your children are first period. now its up to the man to figure out if he is willing to deal with that. if he does he will find a way to spend quaility time with me on that one. he will get creative!
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 32
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:26:50 PM
If a guy can't handle a single mom or children, then he should totally not contact, message, or deal with single parents.

It's that simple.
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 33
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:19:47 PM
As a single dad who spends alot of time with my little girl I worry about that too I worry about taking time away from her for someone else but I also worry about winding up alone because i gave all of my time to her. I also wonder if I use it as a safety fence to keep from putting myself in a situation where I could get hurt. I dunno
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 34
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:07:46 AM
I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed on this one... I am one of the few who do NOT believe children should come first. True, children are a part of your life from the moment of conception, however, once they grow and leave the nest, if you've neglected your s/o, then they too will eventually end up leaving as well.

Children learn from example. If the parents focus on them All the time, and put their spouses second or later, then the children learn to do that, and often have poor relationships, and don't respect their mates, when they become adults. We all understand that things come up; sickness, activities, emergencies, and such, but thats where both partners should be supportive equally.

I prefer to find a mate who puts their s/o first, and partners evenly with caring for the kids. And I suppose that is why I either look for a partner with older kids, or none at all...

If you don't have the time for your s/o, because of your kids' events, sickness, sports, and such, maybe you need to put 'finding a mate' on the back burner, until you can get your own life in order. Otherwise it's not fair to the other person, always getting left out. Eventually that left out feeling will grow into resentment and un-support, and then you are back to fishing in the pond for a new one...

Men and women each need to feel important and wanted. I've found that Men don't necessarily have a problem accepting someone else's children, but they have their own emotional, physical, and mental needs as well. If one's life is too 'busy' to share with someone else, then perhaps you need to focus on what is most important to you at the time, and look for someone once your current priorities and obligations are not so much of an importance...

Chapman, Kansas
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 35
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:38:30 AM
i think that your children should come first. single parents area package deal. the man i met here and since went on a date with has 12yr old. daughter. no way would I remotely feel first in his life no matter how long we date or have a relationship.
Joined: 5/2/2005
Msg: 36
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:20:28 AM
to fishbill
show how much you understand his disappointment because the date was cancelled, a good blow job really helps.
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