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Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 1
How can he do this????Page 1 of 1    
Up until a month ago my boyfriend and I we doing wonderfully. Then his dad died a month ago, suddenly. He is absolutly devestated. He is troubled by the death and many things from his past. He is very depressed, so depressed he needs counseling. Now he does not want to see me anymore. He just wanted his space to think things out. Now he is going to his ex wife. Searching for girls on this site and asking them out on dates. He told me he could not have a girlfriend right now. That he had to deal with his dads death. But he is activley looking, een while we were together. He said I was mean to him at the funeral, but I wasn't. He has told his family and friends it was all my fault, when I truley did nothing wrong. I have begged and pleaded to let me help him get through this but all it did was push him further away. I can't stop crying. I can eat, I have lost 30 pds this month alone and I can't sleep. I am consumed with thoughts of him and I can't get them out of my head. He knows he is hurting me bad. But it is also hurting my kids. They adored him. We were planning on moving in together in March. We had so many plans. And he just threw them all away. I know he still cares about his ex-wife. But she cheated on him and stole every dime he had. And now he wants that??? I just don't understand. He claims that he has to close the door with his ex wife so he can move on. But know she is moving here and he is considering taking her back. I can forgive him for the pain he is causiing me and my kids and I can also forgive him about his ex wife. He spent his holiday with her and left me alone. He broke up with me on Thanksgiving morning. But has treated me like sh** since his dad died. All I have wanted to do his hold his head up, help him get through this. But now he is gone, because when I gave advice he said I was telling him what to do. To me its up to him to take it an run with it or turn away from it. I wans't telling him what to do, it was simply advice. I love him so much and I miss him so much. People keep telliing me to let him go, he will come back. But I know he won't. Not if he is going back to her.
 *~*Red Queen II*~*
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 2
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 10:55:16 AM
Want2bluvd: I'm very sorry to read about your unfortunate situation.

It truly is very heart-wrenching when a person that you mave made plans with, changes thier behaviour and acts out-of-character when a difficult Life situation occurs.

You may want to ask him (and yourself) these questions;

1. If he is so depressed, then why is he searching/actively looking for another girl/woman?
2. If his ex was the main reason why they broke up in the first place, then why does he feel the need to get back together with her?
3. Why does he blame you for his feelings?

Hun, you are not responsible for your boyfriend's feelings. You are not to blame for the recent unfortunate circumstance that happened in his family. If this man is treating you badly after all the help & advice that you attempted to give him, then please let him go.

You need to think about the well-being of your children & concentrate on them.
How are they responding/behaving lately?
They need to know the Truth as to what had happened and that plans have changed.

Perhaps this situation is God's way of telling you that you and your children deserve better.
I hope things turn out for the Best.
Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 3
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:02:15 AM
When my Dad passed away, my head was so mixed up. In retrospect, I feel sorry for anyone that had to deal with me.
There isn't anything you can do for him, he has to do it himself. One day, he'll wake up and realize what an ass he was. I know I did.
People do dumb things without realizing it and will eventually regret their actions.
I hope things work out for you in the end, whether it be with or without him.
Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 4
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:04:24 AM
I keep telling myself that. And I have asked him many questions and his answer is always "I don't know". My kids are always asking if they can go to his house and were he is. All I keep telling them is that right now he is very sad and that we just need to leave him alone for awhile. I keep telling myself that I can forgive him for what he is doing. He tells me that he doesn not know what he is going to do about his ex. I can forgive him if he lets her go, I can't if he goes back to it.
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 5
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:12:48 AM
Hi im sorry that this is so painful for you right now.

Sometimes we never know why things happen,
Sometimes we do and we ignore them.

SOmetimes things just happen, and we have to just go through it. Day by Day minute by minute.
I just want to let you know that as a mom, you have to get it together, Be Strong for your children, they get scared when mom doesnt have it together.
Let them know that your ok, and they are ok, and life isnt over.
Your responsible for making you and your children happy, change your focas towards yourself and them.
I know first hand how hard that is, its not easy.
Don't waste your time crying over him, cry over you if you must.
take care of yourself and your kids. Willow
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 6
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:31:40 AM
Hey want2bluvd, my heart goes out to ya,dear. The death of a parent causes people to act, and react in ways that they normally wouldn't. But still, for him to turn on you like this, and to have no explanation except, "I don't know....". This is just unexceptable behavior.
Myself, I went through the death of my mother, than my father 6 years later. And yes, I went through some emotional rides myself, but I NEVER shut out those that tried to help me with my grief. The advice, and the words of comfort was their way of telling me that they were there for me. And I could do as I wanted with their advice, and words of comfort.

Like was said before, maybe this was a "sign" of how the future may have been, and do you really want that? It's better to have found out now how this guy handles personal pressure.

Good luck to you, and to your children. You deserve better than this.
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 7
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:45:36 AM
It sounds like it is time for you to take back your life, and move on, he obviously is not interested in continuing the relationship, and you deserve better than to be treated like that. As hard as it is, it is better for you and the kids that he has done this now, rather than later on after you are living together.
 Goodhearted Man
Joined: 9/16/2006
Msg: 8
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 12:00:49 PM
I also feel sorry for you, I realize that his father died an all and that must be traumatic BUT it is no reason to throw away every thing tyou had Or to to blame you or dump on you just because you're trying to help, He's tearing your world apart, he's tearing your kids world apart by what he is doing, it ain't your fault, If he does decide to come back, that's good but be wary, and if he does go to his ex, then as sad as it is to say, perhaps you're better off without him.

Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 9
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:51:10 PM
OP this very same thing happened to me once. My ex b/f's dad passed away. They were very close. It completely shattered him. He shut everyone out of his life, including me. He started drinking heavily, trying to drown his pain and sorrow. I tried everything to help him, to get through to him. He would not give me a chance. He would not listen to me. Also treated me really bad, for no reason. Like he was lashing out at everyone, blaming everyone that loved him for his loss. It was very hurtful.

It took him five months to come half way back to normal. He started calling me again, telling me that he was sorry. That he knew he had done me wrong, but he wasn't "himself" at the time. Trying to get back together with me. Sadly, I had already moved on. But, I know your pain. I don't want to discourage you, but I wouldn't hold on to too much hope that you will get him back. Sounds like he is too far gone as well.

Just wanted to give you a Hug.

Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 10
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:15:19 PM
So sorry to hear about your situation. I actually broke up with someone after my brother died many years ago. BUT, it was the perfect moment to tell this guy I needed space, needed to grieve, etc. and he let me do my thing. I had ulterior motives from the beginning and I used my brother's death to get thru the breakup. Horrible as it sounds, it was for the best!!! Your boyfriend probably had these thoughts going on PRIOR to his father's death. Sounds like he took advantage of the sorrowful event. I don't think you'll have much luck regaining what you had; he's made up his mind already.
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 11
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:18:00 PM
I feel bad for you, but he doesnt show any signs of caring about you.
during the time that he should turn towards you for comfort he's turning
away from you...thats not love
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 12
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:33:42 PM
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now, not to mention the confusion.
I'm absolutely convinced that grief is a form of temporary insanity. I know whereof I speak as I experienced the death of my 21 yr. old son, then little sister, father, brother. Everyone experiencing grief has their own weird little brand of craziness consuming them as a survival tool. HIS BEHAVIOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Nothing you said, didn't say, did, didn't do has any bearing on this situation or his behavior in general or toward you. He's spinning out. He's not in his right mind at this point. YOU MUST BACK OFF. As for his ex...irrelevant. If he wanted to be with her she wouldn't be his ex. Perhaps he just finds some temporary comfort in the illusion of turning back the clock (the ex) (dad's alive). When we lose someone we want to be around those who knew the person. So perhaps it's the ex's connection with his lost father, because it's NOT the ex herself that he's running to. Understand? It's temporary.
In the meantime, stop contacting him, allow him the crazy thinking and behavior he needs, and focus on loving and nurturing YOURSELF and your kids. Do not obsess, and do not allow him to hurt you because he's hurting. Shift your focus away from him. You must, for that is YOUR way to survive this.
Sorry to be so bossy. :)
Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 13
Knowing that there is a problem
Posted: 11/28/2006 8:32:03 PM
Its all too close when I read these posts as to the fact that I am not the only one who deals with the breakdown or break up of what seemingly appeared as the relationship that was - so to speak. This past June I began dating a women who had not been in a serious relationship for perhaps three or more years. I remember her telling me how that she wanted a relationship with someone but due to her past - which was abusive - and two hapless marriages - was unable to put one together. She had been through counseling and all the other forms of emotional repair - needless to say we cliked - and the relationship buzzed along - I fell in love - this after two months and her as well - and I saw a sparkle in her eyes that I can only remember now as a memory. In September she got terriably sick and had to be hospitalized - subsequent gall bladder surgery was required and I was there every step of the way - I took care of her dog - and made sure that there was nothing she went with out. For me this was love - serving someone for their good expecting nothing in return only reciprication in love. In October after all this was done - I started to feel a distance from her and finally questioned her about this. She claimed that I had become to emotionally dependent upon her and that I needed to learn how to not be so - that only I could bring myself happiness. This is true - but in a relationship - I thought happiness came when a couple was together in mind and spirit as we had been. She had been the most affecionate person I had ever been with and now that was stopping because of what she saw as this emotional dependence and what she saw as a cure to break me of this. The following week she informed me that the relationship was moving to fast and that she needed more space - that she could go days without seeing anyone and now the days have turned into weeks. She works not far from where I work and would always stop and see me on her way home at night - but now informs me that she is to tired to do so. She no longer calls me as she did - and this past holiday - she didn't even ask me to be a part of it with her. I believe in my heart that due to her past she is unable to maybe handle a relationship - I told her that she deceived me in the way she handled our relationship at first - but this made her mad - to which she informed me that she deceived no one but herself and that I had been unwilling to give her more time. She just had some days off from work - and spent most of it sitting in her apartment reading and sleeping, I anguished and really never bothered her,only to call and make sure she was okay. The phone calls between us are static - I believe that we both know of a problem but wait for the other to move. I know that she has a very demanding job - but this didn't stop her from always seeing me in June, July, and August - to which she has informed me that she has no time for me and perhaps I should just find someone else who will - that hurts like a hot iron to my heart. I'm devastated - I really fell in love with this woman- she has my heart in her hands. I think about her all the time - I sent her a poem for Thanksgiving - yet there was no feeback - I tell her I miss her on the phone - but no response. Yes if the obvious question is - we were intimate - and maybe thats the problem. But than again - when you just want to sit and be with somone and spend time with them carrying out conversations and listening to music - how physical can that be? I'm at wits end - my heart feels like its been cut into pieces - she hasn't called me all day - and we have been going through this routine of one day no contact for the last couple of weeks - when two months ago - it was never like this and we always called each other before going to bed. Should I just let go - I feel that her lack of affection and attention is an invalidation to me and slowly but surely driving me off the ledge. I really do not care or like to be by myself - what after 24 years of marriage and all the children - I wonder who would or perhaps could. I am hesitant for discussing anything with her - because every time she informs me that she isn't wrong for doing this when I try to ask why is all this so - its just like we are treading air - and to let her go just seems like the end of everything.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 14
How can he do this????
Posted: 2/24/2007 10:31:03 AM
he's so obviously using his father's death as an excuse not to see you. (yeah, a low-life thing to do.) he's NOT interested in you.

re his ex: she cheated him and stole every dime? sounds like you were played as a sucker. for every "dime" she stole, he probably ripped her off a "dime."
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