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Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 1
How can he do this????Page 1 of 1    
Up until a month ago my boyfriend and I we doing wonderfully. Then his dad died a month ago, suddenly. He is absolutly devestated. He is troubled by the death and many things from his past. He is very depressed, so depressed he needs counseling. Now he does not want to see me anymore. He just wanted his space to think things out. Now he is going to his ex wife. Searching for girls on this site and asking them out on dates. He told me he could not have a girlfriend right now. That he had to deal with his dads death. But he is activley looking, een while we were together. He said I was mean to him at the funeral, but I wasn't. He has told his family and friends it was all my fault, when I truley did nothing wrong. I have begged and pleaded to let me help him get through this but all it did was push him further away. I can't stop crying. I can eat, I have lost 30 pds this month alone and I can't sleep. I am consumed with thoughts of him and I can't get them out of my head. He knows he is hurting me bad. But it is also hurting my kids. They adored him. We were planning on moving in together in March. We had so many plans. And he just threw them all away. I know he still cares about his ex-wife. But she cheated on him and stole every dime he had. And now he wants that??? I just don't understand. He claims that he has to close the door with his ex wife so he can move on. But know she is moving here and he is considering taking her back. I can forgive him for the pain he is causiing me and my kids and I can also forgive him about his ex wife. He spent his holiday with her and left me alone. He broke up with me on Thanksgiving morning. But has treated me like sh** since his dad died. All I have wanted to do his hold his head up, help him get through this. But now he is gone, because when I gave advice he said I was telling him what to do. To me its up to him to take it an run with it or turn away from it. I wans't telling him what to do, it was simply advice. I love him so much and I miss him so much. People keep telliing me to let him go, he will come back. But I know he won't. Not if he is going back to her.
 *~*Red Queen II*~*
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 2
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 10:55:16 AM
Want2bluvd: I'm very sorry to read about your unfortunate situation.

It truly is very heart-wrenching when a person that you mave made plans with, changes thier behaviour and acts out-of-character when a difficult Life situation occurs.

You may want to ask him (and yourself) these questions;

1. If he is so depressed, then why is he searching/actively looking for another girl/woman?
2. If his ex was the main reason why they broke up in the first place, then why does he feel the need to get back together with her?
3. Why does he blame you for his feelings?

Hun, you are not responsible for your boyfriend's feelings. You are not to blame for the recent unfortunate circumstance that happened in his family. If this man is treating you badly after all the help & advice that you attempted to give him, then please let him go.

You need to think about the well-being of your children & concentrate on them.
How are they responding/behaving lately?
They need to know the Truth as to what had happened and that plans have changed.

Perhaps this situation is God's way of telling you that you and your children deserve better.
I hope things turn out for the Best.
Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 3
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:02:15 AM
When my Dad passed away, my head was so mixed up. In retrospect, I feel sorry for anyone that had to deal with me.
There isn't anything you can do for him, he has to do it himself. One day, he'll wake up and realize what an ass he was. I know I did.
People do dumb things without realizing it and will eventually regret their actions.
I hope things work out for you in the end, whether it be with or without him.
Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 4
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:04:24 AM
I keep telling myself that. And I have asked him many questions and his answer is always "I don't know". My kids are always asking if they can go to his house and were he is. All I keep telling them is that right now he is very sad and that we just need to leave him alone for awhile. I keep telling myself that I can forgive him for what he is doing. He tells me that he doesn not know what he is going to do about his ex. I can forgive him if he lets her go, I can't if he goes back to it.
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 5
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:12:48 AM
Hi im sorry that this is so painful for you right now.

Sometimes we never know why things happen,
Sometimes we do and we ignore them.

SOmetimes things just happen, and we have to just go through it. Day by Day minute by minute.
I just want to let you know that as a mom, you have to get it together, Be Strong for your children, they get scared when mom doesnt have it together.
Let them know that your ok, and they are ok, and life isnt over.
Your responsible for making you and your children happy, change your focas towards yourself and them.
I know first hand how hard that is, its not easy.
Don't waste your time crying over him, cry over you if you must.
take care of yourself and your kids. Willow
Joined: 6/10/2005
Msg: 6
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:19:35 AM
hey sorry to hear about your problem. I know when my grandma died it was very hard I was in a serious relationship and I did love him very much, still do. But there was a point when I felt that he just didnt care, didnt understand why I was crying and being unsocial. It was hard and our relationship deteriorated to nothing. I was so confused my grams was like my mom saw her everyday of my life. He did try to give me advice but all I wanted was to be loved and have someone listen to me, someone to cry on there shoulder. Just be there for him when he wants and if hes going back to his ex id say just leave him be and truly leave him alone. abbsince makes the heart grow fonder right! and you should explain to your kids what is going on. comming out of a single mother family they need to know the truth. hope your situation turns out for the better.
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 7
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:31:40 AM
Hey want2bluvd, my heart goes out to ya,dear. The death of a parent causes people to act, and react in ways that they normally wouldn't. But still, for him to turn on you like this, and to have no explanation except, "I don't know....". This is just unexceptable behavior.
Myself, I went through the death of my mother, than my father 6 years later. And yes, I went through some emotional rides myself, but I NEVER shut out those that tried to help me with my grief. The advice, and the words of comfort was their way of telling me that they were there for me. And I could do as I wanted with their advice, and words of comfort.

Like was said before, maybe this was a "sign" of how the future may have been, and do you really want that? It's better to have found out now how this guy handles personal pressure.

Good luck to you, and to your children. You deserve better than this.
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 8
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:45:36 AM
It sounds like it is time for you to take back your life, and move on, he obviously is not interested in continuing the relationship, and you deserve better than to be treated like that. As hard as it is, it is better for you and the kids that he has done this now, rather than later on after you are living together.
 Goodhearted Man
Joined: 9/16/2006
Msg: 9
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 12:00:49 PM
I also feel sorry for you, I realize that his father died an all and that must be traumatic BUT it is no reason to throw away every thing tyou had Or to to blame you or dump on you just because you're trying to help, He's tearing your world apart, he's tearing your kids world apart by what he is doing, it ain't your fault, If he does decide to come back, that's good but be wary, and if he does go to his ex, then as sad as it is to say, perhaps you're better off without him.

Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 10
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:51:10 PM
OP this very same thing happened to me once. My ex b/f's dad passed away. They were very close. It completely shattered him. He shut everyone out of his life, including me. He started drinking heavily, trying to drown his pain and sorrow. I tried everything to help him, to get through to him. He would not give me a chance. He would not listen to me. Also treated me really bad, for no reason. Like he was lashing out at everyone, blaming everyone that loved him for his loss. It was very hurtful.

It took him five months to come half way back to normal. He started calling me again, telling me that he was sorry. That he knew he had done me wrong, but he wasn't "himself" at the time. Trying to get back together with me. Sadly, I had already moved on. But, I know your pain. I don't want to discourage you, but I wouldn't hold on to too much hope that you will get him back. Sounds like he is too far gone as well.

Just wanted to give you a Hug.

Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:13:02 PM
I wish there was something I could say to make things better. I went through a break up about 5 years ago and it was the most devastating thing in my life. Worse then my divorce, I think I married to young and didn't really know what love was until I met this man, I had not dated for about 6 years after my divorce due to kids being to young an then he came into my life and WOW!

It took all of three years to finally quit crying. Knowing all of that I would still do it again because I now know what love is. I also know I am not willing to settle ofr anything less and I deserve more. However, my guy was never ugly or mean to me ever, he just never wanted to loose his family.(She had left him) I do think it would have been easier to get over him had he been stupid and mean to me, because I know I deserve better. However, then he wouldn't have been the person I thought he was. I know the death of someone can cause awful things in a persons life but that is never an excuse for being mean or ugly to someone. I know you don't want to hear this but if he is willing to throw it all away and blame you now, that is how he will always be. You deserve better and so do your children!!!!! That should be motivation enough to at least try and get over him. Your kids will remember how you are now and will think they are not good enough for you to stay happy, I know that is a heavy burden on you but it is the truth. Know that you are great and deserve the best, know it!!!!

My guy just recently called after 5 years 1 month (this past week) and his wife is wanting a divorce after the holidays - he still wants her an his family. I told him I couldn't put myself in that situation again, but I asked him to please call if the divorce happens. I know I will be there for him, unless some wonderful person sweeps me off my feet before then. Please Be Strong - I will pray for you, I know what you are going through.
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 12
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:15:19 PM
So sorry to hear about your situation. I actually broke up with someone after my brother died many years ago. BUT, it was the perfect moment to tell this guy I needed space, needed to grieve, etc. and he let me do my thing. I had ulterior motives from the beginning and I used my brother's death to get thru the breakup. Horrible as it sounds, it was for the best!!! Your boyfriend probably had these thoughts going on PRIOR to his father's death. Sounds like he took advantage of the sorrowful event. I don't think you'll have much luck regaining what you had; he's made up his mind already.
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 13
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:18:00 PM
I feel bad for you, but he doesnt show any signs of caring about you.
during the time that he should turn towards you for comfort he's turning
away from you...thats not love
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 14
How can he do this????
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:33:42 PM
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now, not to mention the confusion.
I'm absolutely convinced that grief is a form of temporary insanity. I know whereof I speak as I experienced the death of my 21 yr. old son, then little sister, father, brother. Everyone experiencing grief has their own weird little brand of craziness consuming them as a survival tool. HIS BEHAVIOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Nothing you said, didn't say, did, didn't do has any bearing on this situation or his behavior in general or toward you. He's spinning out. He's not in his right mind at this point. YOU MUST BACK OFF. As for his ex...irrelevant. If he wanted to be with her she wouldn't be his ex. Perhaps he just finds some temporary comfort in the illusion of turning back the clock (the ex) (dad's alive). When we lose someone we want to be around those who knew the person. So perhaps it's the ex's connection with his lost father, because it's NOT the ex herself that he's running to. Understand? It's temporary.
In the meantime, stop contacting him, allow him the crazy thinking and behavior he needs, and focus on loving and nurturing YOURSELF and your kids. Do not obsess, and do not allow him to hurt you because he's hurting. Shift your focus away from him. You must, for that is YOUR way to survive this.
Sorry to be so bossy. :)
Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 15
Knowing that there is a problem
Posted: 11/28/2006 8:32:03 PM
Its all too close when I read these posts as to the fact that I am not the only one who deals with the breakdown or break up of what seemingly appeared as the relationship that was - so to speak. This past June I began dating a women who had not been in a serious relationship for perhaps three or more years. I remember her telling me how that she wanted a relationship with someone but due to her past - which was abusive - and two hapless marriages - was unable to put one together. She had been through counseling and all the other forms of emotional repair - needless to say we cliked - and the relationship buzzed along - I fell in love - this after two months and her as well - and I saw a sparkle in her eyes that I can only remember now as a memory. In September she got terriably sick and had to be hospitalized - subsequent gall bladder surgery was required and I was there every step of the way - I took care of her dog - and made sure that there was nothing she went with out. For me this was love - serving someone for their good expecting nothing in return only reciprication in love. In October after all this was done - I started to feel a distance from her and finally questioned her about this. She claimed that I had become to emotionally dependent upon her and that I needed to learn how to not be so - that only I could bring myself happiness. This is true - but in a relationship - I thought happiness came when a couple was together in mind and spirit as we had been. She had been the most affecionate person I had ever been with and now that was stopping because of what she saw as this emotional dependence and what she saw as a cure to break me of this. The following week she informed me that the relationship was moving to fast and that she needed more space - that she could go days without seeing anyone and now the days have turned into weeks. She works not far from where I work and would always stop and see me on her way home at night - but now informs me that she is to tired to do so. She no longer calls me as she did - and this past holiday - she didn't even ask me to be a part of it with her. I believe in my heart that due to her past she is unable to maybe handle a relationship - I told her that she deceived me in the way she handled our relationship at first - but this made her mad - to which she informed me that she deceived no one but herself and that I had been unwilling to give her more time. She just had some days off from work - and spent most of it sitting in her apartment reading and sleeping, I anguished and really never bothered her,only to call and make sure she was okay. The phone calls between us are static - I believe that we both know of a problem but wait for the other to move. I know that she has a very demanding job - but this didn't stop her from always seeing me in June, July, and August - to which she has informed me that she has no time for me and perhaps I should just find someone else who will - that hurts like a hot iron to my heart. I'm devastated - I really fell in love with this woman- she has my heart in her hands. I think about her all the time - I sent her a poem for Thanksgiving - yet there was no feeback - I tell her I miss her on the phone - but no response. Yes if the obvious question is - we were intimate - and maybe thats the problem. But than again - when you just want to sit and be with somone and spend time with them carrying out conversations and listening to music - how physical can that be? I'm at wits end - my heart feels like its been cut into pieces - she hasn't called me all day - and we have been going through this routine of one day no contact for the last couple of weeks - when two months ago - it was never like this and we always called each other before going to bed. Should I just let go - I feel that her lack of affection and attention is an invalidation to me and slowly but surely driving me off the ledge. I really do not care or like to be by myself - what after 24 years of marriage and all the children - I wonder who would or perhaps could. I am hesitant for discussing anything with her - because every time she informs me that she isn't wrong for doing this when I try to ask why is all this so - its just like we are treading air - and to let her go just seems like the end of everything.
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 16
view profile
How can he do this????
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:58:12 PM
he can do this

I think he's doing these things becuase, when his dad died he wanted to die with him
and becuase he can't then he does everything he can in his life to kill any feeling and
to make life pay for this hurt he feels. If you look at how extreme his actions are there all totally and unqualifiedly anti-life anti-love, He wants to hurt himself that badly.

Its Nothing you've done at all I know you want to keep his head up which is the loving thing to do and have him feel it in a less destructive way. But he needs to go through
this in himself he needs to go through this death and come out the other end. in one way
no matter how horrible he's being he's protecting you by pushing you away so you at a safe distance, and going for a period back to some-one who he cares less about.

the thing is that he is probably a very loving guy and it becuase he loves so much
he can feel pain that intensely as well

He wont stay with her becuase its in context of pain that he's gone. When he comes out of it and he will. you can do one of two things

1. walk away [which is understandable]
2. wait and try to forgive him if you wait you will get the guy you loved and more
becuase all this will make a bond of real strength and he will be able
to feel love clearer and you will be the one that recieves it all.

I don't know if this helps at just realise its not you! it not even him!
Its something happening [too] him not [from] him.

Perhaps at least these words can give help inform whatever choice you take.
The worst thing is not that these things happen its becuase at the time there
seems no sense to them...

In the short term give him his safe space..
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 17
view profile
How can he do this????
Posted: 1/11/2007 11:29:45 PM
I've read some comments about "handling personnel presure"

I would just say your "Handle" normal pressures work, domestic-practicalites, i don't think you "Handle" the death of your parents a if its something "you", control... its something you go through and change in.. it handles "you", and in the process of that journey you learn something about yourself and the way you look at the world.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 18
How can he do this????
Posted: 2/24/2007 10:31:03 AM
he's so obviously using his father's death as an excuse not to see you. (yeah, a low-life thing to do.) he's NOT interested in you.

re his ex: she cheated him and stole every dime? sounds like you were played as a sucker. for every "dime" she stole, he probably ripped her off a "dime."
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 19
view profile
How can he do this????
Posted: 7/18/2007 4:42:04 AM
im sorry to hear bout ur bf but just sometimes things happen for reasons we cant even fathom i understand the whole (ex-wife) gig and no offence to you in anyway want2bulvd
but as for the whole going out and hooking up with other women all i can say is im sorry
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