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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Would you date someone who is separated?      Home login  
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 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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Would you date someone who is separated?Page 1 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
It is not advisable because even if the marriage is on its way to dissolution, he is likely not emotionally available even if he thinks he is. Much better to remain friends, he will need one, and maybe a year after the divorce, if he is still interested and has looked at the marriage and learned from it, then you pursue something more.
 GreenEyesAndHam
Joined: 2/11/2005
Msg: 11
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:37:19 PM
I 'voted to delete' and now I'm posting. What a spaz.

Maybe I'm too idealistic, but I can't see the problem with dating someone who is separated. Isn't that what it is - a period of reflection? Shouldn't they be seeing whether they feel comfortable with other people? Won't this help them decide if they want to give their marriage another try or whether it's not worth salvaging?

I don't see being separated as a longterm solution, but it certainly should provide enlightenment. If it's just pre-divorced, then say pre-divorced...don't say separated.

The separated person has a responsibility to communicate, both to his/her spouse and to his/her date. Not all people have this ability, and it may indeed be the cause of the separation in the first place. If I were to date a separated person, I'd consider insisting upon talking to her spouse first.

GE&H
 designingwoman
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 29
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 8:48:24 PM
NO. 'nuff said.
 icunow7
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 32
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 7:28:59 AM
In my book, there are 2 categories. You're either MARRIED or DIVORCED. SEPARATED falls into the MARRIED category. My personal feeling is that a separated person needs to take care of their personal business BEFORE they go looking to start something new. I also think that the reality of the situation is that after a divorce, someone is really not ready to become involved with someone new for a year or two. Everyone needs time to work thru all the "stuff".
 *Babydoll272*
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 45
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 7:40:00 PM
"No Way!" Separation still means "Married"... to me. I wouldn't put myself into that situation for anyone.
 Huntingwulf
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 46
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 8:20:40 PM
I will say, while I've seen it posted repeatedly, I do not understand not having the money for a divorce. If you don't have the money for an attorney, I'm going to guess there are no assets from the marriage, so use a paralegal. There are ads in every newspaper advertising for simple divorces, here in CA, for about $250.00.


I suppose I am lucky that way. My divorce will cost me nothing. Over here the fees are means tested, the paperwork is self serve, (no lawyers), and service is by anyone.

Contested factors such as Child orders, assets etc will be handled through Legal Aid, also free.

Thankfully there are no assets left, she has signed Parenting Plan, giving me my Daughter, and she has to pay maintenance, not that she will.

to answer the original OP, Yes I would date a separated person. All of us are deserving of love and affection. Ok it may be like jumping into a pool without checking the depth, but if we don't? We will never know how deep it is.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 47
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 9:57:58 PM
Msg 11 " The cost of the divorce, not to mention losing my healthcare, is something I just can't afford at this time."

Why should the wife pay for the divorce? Is the wife supporting the husband? The dissolution is usually financed out of the joint holdings, which more often than not, ends up being the husband's cost. Of course, the lawyers are the only sure winners in such proceedings, especially if there is any acrimony between the parties and they stall each other along each step of the proceedings.

I'm puzzled at the 'losing my healthcare'. Even in the U.S., is there not some sort of continuation period until your next employment or husband? (I'm in Canada, we have a national healthcare system, covers most everything, but not quite.)

It sounds like a hostage situation, where what influences the choice of a new husband, is how readily he could help the separatee financially with the divorce proceedings and through his employer's healthcare package.

If that's so, a way to speed up finding such a catch, would seem to be by highlighting these aspects on the Profile, perhaps setting a dollar value on them, to avoid wasting time with those not having enough money at hand. How much is the dollar equivalent? $100,000?

It really sounds almost like being caught in a Catch-22, but I'd hope not, so long as there were at least some men willing to both consider dating someone who is merely separated and not legally divorced, and also financially well able to assist the divorce process and provide the necessary healthcare coverage.

Would not the current husband, be strongly motivated to assist in the wife becoming remarried, rather than pay years or even decades, of support payments?
 nice_shy_girl
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 54
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 6:53:16 AM
I would never ever date a man who is only separated. Being friends with him is another story. I wouldn't let it go past friendship though until after he was divorced and had the final papers to prove it. I know how I felt when my ex-husband started dating other women before he filed for divorce (he waited about two years to file after he left) and how I felt when a close friend of mine I had gone to school with decided to go to school with decided to cheat on my husband and thought that since me and my husband were separated it was perfectly fine for her to cheat with him (we have not spoken since because I felt betrayed by her, especially after she helped my ex-husband steal all my money out of my bank account and I had to fight to get it all back) I would never put another woman through that.

You need to be careful with your heart. If he is only separated from his wife and has not filed for divorce, there is always the chance he could go back to her and it will be you who gets hurt in the end.
 ponygrlâ„¢
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 67
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 5:30:08 PM
hell yeah, i'd date a guy that's separated providing he's not going back with his soon to be ex. there are reasons as to why he's not divorced as of yet and the same thing goes with me as well. my ex doesn't wanna pay for the divorce cuz he knows that if he pays then i can go to legal aid and get help. he also knows that i'm also going after the marital equity as well with the house that he and i shared and in order for him to pay me the approx. 45% of the house he's going to have to sell it or get a home equity loan and either way, he's not going to wanna put out any money. he also knows that i don't have the money right now to pay for a lawyer but let me get my hands on the money and the best lawyer around then he'll end up losing more than 45% of the equity of the house.

oh, btw, i haven't been with my husband since 3/13/03 and he's got a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting back with me.
 Charm1ngMuse
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 68
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 9:33:51 AM
Separated means still married. Even if the person says they've moved on, they are still married. Putting off a divorce for years due to financial issues is ridiculous unless you're Donald Trump and own millions in real assets. Even then, the lawyers want to conclude and get their final paycheck.

If you won't sign the divorce papers, it's because you like the situation you're in and don't want it to change, regardless of the reasons.

I might consider dating a separated man IF he has filed for divorce AND maintains a different residence. Easy enough to check public records on the first and leaving some of your things at his home would resolve the second. If he hasn't filed, then they are in stalemate and that's not the kind of situation in which I want to become entangled. Starting a new relationship with an unemcumbered person has enough roadblocks without adding the possibility of reconciliation or the influence of another person.

Just a thought...

:)
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 78
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:46:20 PM
I would have to look at how long they had been separated. If they separated 2 months ago, he is probably in a lot of turmoil. If it has been like 2 years, then I say go ahead and talk.

And just because he says he's going back home that doesnt mean thats what he's doing. That is just his "out" clause for getting out of YOUR relationship. But I know that I am NEVER going back.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 80
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 2:54:53 PM
This particular individual situation is complex, and I don't think there are any quick, or set-in-stone answers.
If it were not for the fact that the OP cited a previous involvement of some sort with the separated person, I'd say to NOT date him. But apparently there is a past history between the 2 of them.
OP, if you can live with the possibility of it being a long time, or maybe NEVER,before you could formalize(get married) your relationship with this man, if you can deal with a certain amount of stress, drama, and aggravation,if you are OK with the risk that you might be a "rebound" or "port in a storm" relationship,then go ahead and date him.

If not, and if you can be a FRIEND without tying up your heart(or his) that works too.

But you are kind of walking into a minefield, girl! Is he worth it?( and I mean that as a question for serious consideration,NOT a rhetorical one!)

I suspect you probably have some reservations or you never would have posted a thread soliciting other members input. And the fact that you HAVE those reservations might make it OK for this particular case,since you already know that a relationship with this guy could be challenging and complex. I guess all I can say is, weigh your options, weigh the good parts against the risks, and do what feels right to YOU.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 82
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 4:19:10 PM

He just doesn't see the need to get a divorce if he is never going to remarry.


My initial reaction was to say this is OK if marriage is no important to YOU...but the more I think about it," He just doesn't see the need to get a divorce if he is never going to remarry" bothers me. I have to caution you girl, if you get into a serious relationship with this guy, DO NOT ever totally depend on him to be there for you if the chips are down...he might not see the need to stand by you if you were sick or in trouble.
I don't disagree with you that he may be a helluva nice guy, and a gentleman, but were I you, I'd keep this at "friendship" until he demonstrates that he CAN "man up" and have the balls to make a decision that IS a DECISION.
Confucius say, "man who straddles fence is in danger of hurting balls."
Cindy O
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 84
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 6:41:21 PM
Separated is still married. I don't understand people who are in transition between marriage and singledom ~ yet feel that they HAVE to have someone in their life...right NOW. For me, he needs to be legally divorced and for a length of time. I have no interest in being someone's time filler while he figures out who he is, why his marriage failed and if he intends to return to the ex. No thanks. Inevitably, someone gets hurt ~ and it's usually not the separated party. JMO
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 86
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 8:07:25 PM
Regarding the length of time a separatee/divorcee should wait: I'd try putting the separation shoe on your foot. Say you know without a doubt you will not reconcile--returning to the X isn't an option. You are not looking for "time filler" but have experience in knowing what doesn't work for you in a relationship; you have "figured out" who you are by dealing with and putting behind you emotional stress; you have understood why your marriage failed--it was a two way street. How long would you wait? Is separation mean some sort of dating penalty you have to pay?? Everyone has different emotional recovery times.


I refrained from dating for well over a year post divorce. I was separated nearly a year prior to the divorce (so two years without dating.) I had a social life ~ but I didn't need a man to do so. I knew that after a marriage, separation, divorce, etc., that I needed to do some serious work on myself. Which is exactly what I did. It would have been a very selfish, self-serving situation had I added a man to the mix. I had my hands full trying to figure out how I failed in my marriage.

Not many people in the midst of a failing relationship know, without fail, what they will and won't accept in a new relationship. That takes time, a lot of reflection and a lot of knowledge/learning of one's self. That rarely happens while you are in the middle of a failing relationship. That failure IS your life at that time.

And for the record, I don't care what others do or don't do. I was merely stating what will and won't work for me. I consider separated still married. That won't work for me. If you aren't bothered by it ~ dive in. It's not something I'm interested in. JMO

EDIT: Unconditional love? Sigh. Other than our children, love comes with conditions (ie: lying/cheating are conditions of adult romantic love) Nothing is condition-free when you are talking romatic love. And yes, being married to another person while seeing me is off limits ~ a condition so to speak.
 kb0096
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 116
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/29/2007 4:42:36 PM
I wouldn't..There still married, but just away from each other....I would never get involved..
 vanessahh1966
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 120
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/4/2007 8:03:25 AM
Well, all I have to say on this , is that I am also "seperated" and have had no problem with any man I have seen or talked to being seperated and they havent had a problem with my being in the same boat. Alot of it is the financial part. Alot of it is just time. In North Carolina, the law is that you have to wait a year. My "ex" is the one that cheated so why would I take that back, I have no idea. No chance here of reconciliation. NO WAY! Once a cheater, I trust you no more! Simple!!!! I only have a couple months left and I know in my heart it is over and he doesnt bother me or vice versa. No contact since the seperation. So, I have no problem with it , as long as both parties are upfront and honest about their own situations. We also, had no children and with some couples seperated, they have to deal with alot more complications in their seperation and divorce, and I am not here to judge. Just be upfront and honest is all I ask from any man. We also did not own anything together, so ours were pretty simple to deal with. Some are not. Oh well, just my thoughts and views!
 JustCallMeMike
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 122
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/4/2007 1:08:00 PM

I can understand why lots of men and women have trepidatons about dating the separated for whatever reason. Fine, all I have to say is life and human relationships are very complicated.

To assume that every separated person is prone to reconcile with their separated partner is foolish. Just as foolish to assume that all divorced people never have hanky panky with their X.

I have dated separated women, have no regrets, and would do it again. Communication is key in any relationship to know where one's emotional state is at.

If considering dating a separatee, it definitely is important to know where his/her head is at regarding what kind of contact he/she has with his/her X.


It isn't a matter if they are reconciling or not...By law and by and good conscienced person knows that if the paper's aren't signed and the marriage resolved, that person is still MARRIED. And I believe that husband or spouse should sue both the man/woman and her lover for breach of contract. It does not matter how complicated the sitaution is. If we are willing to make exceptions to the rules with this simple concept...We might, as well do it for every stinking notion or idea a person has in order for them to be right.

So, in short, if you are separated...YOU ARE MARRIED! and are OFF-LIMITS! Yes it sucks. But, you have to make a choice, is holding on to whatever it is worth putting your romantic pursuits on hold or are you willing to add to the moral decay of this world. And this has very little to do with my religious beliefs.
 classy_lady99
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 127
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:29:18 PM
I am legally separated & I am not even on speaking terms with my ex. The only way we communicate whatsoever is through lawyers. Even the children are not even on friendly terms with him. There is no way in hell I'd take him back and besides that he has been living with another woman for over a year. Does that mean that I'm not entitled to having any company? Does this mean that I should be shunned because I was once married and now I am in limbo where I just might be for several years not necessarily by choice?

For all of you who would never ever date a separated indidvidual - you should also make a pledge to never date anyone who was once married or even seriously involved with anyone because there is a chance of reconcilliation or a little something on the side! Besides that if you are that insecure I would doubt that anyone would seriously consider dating you anyway.

So now think about it. Is this man available or isn't he? It's the person - not the status!
 classy_lady99
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 129
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:01:10 PM
I can see you are 26 and divorced already. Must have been a rather weak attempt at it. Good thing you don't have any children. Try investing 23 years with someone and accumulating assets with children involved and see just how easy it is!

By limbo I simply mean it is going to take experts and professionals to assess our assets as we cannot even come remotely close to an agreement. He would sooner give it to all the lawyers in Canada before giving any of it to his children.
 classy_lady99
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 131
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:15:35 PM
Thanks for setting the record straight. I do maintain my stance though as this could be the 10 year separation that we have all heard about.

I have been in business since I was 19, raised 3 kids, been the hockey mom, wife, business owner, politician - you name it.

I am quite capable of multi-tasking!

I wish you all the best on pof.
 letsmesh
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 138
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:33:54 PM
words. just words.
divorce isn't when you break ties with them..likely there are children involved, so that means there is always a connection. the only reason to be divorced is if there is a need for one party to remarry. otherwise what difference does it make? a piece of paper does not dictate a person's feelings for another..when you signed the marriage certificate that didn't mean that it would unequivocably work (duh). its inside, not on paper that counts.

i say go with your heart.

good luck!!
 MadGirlsLoveSong
Joined: 12/21/2006
Msg: 140
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/10/2007 12:14:16 AM
As a recently seperated woman . I think it is perfectly ok to date someone who is only "seperated" My ex and I have no chance of getting back together . We do have a small child together and in the state I am from we both have to attend "parenting" classes before we can even do the divorce . So in the mean time why would i punish myself of possibly not being able to find someone who is perhaps my soulmate because i am not "divorced" Marriage isnt just a piece of paper. Its a bond and a love. So its perfectly ok if that love and bond isnt there anymore and all thats left is the technical part of it. I say do what feels good to you.
 Levis501
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 143
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/19/2007 11:21:14 AM
Separated does not necessarily mean that you are tied or bound to that person any more than if you are divorced. You can be divorce and still have a desire to reconcile or long for that person.

People don't complete the divorce for a multitude of reasons, many of which have already been stated. It could be financial, although it isn't that expensive to complete. One good reason, in the situation where kids are involved, is insurance/co-insurance. Really, isn't it just a piece of paper... a piece of paper is not going to determine how your heart feels.

If a person is separated and tells you that there are no ties, then you have to trust that it is a true statement. If it turns out not to be, then chances are this person would be lying - divorced or not.

It is my opinion that one should not judge based on this criteria, you could be missing out on someone great. You should, however have a discussion so that both parties understand the parameters of the 'separation'.
 happyboi
Joined: 12/8/2006
Msg: 147
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/21/2007 12:50:16 PM
Well, I thought I would add to this. I am separated. Would have been divorced by now, if we didn't have a few legal things to fix. I am a little mixed on this. I can see in my situation, where it has REALLY helped me get out, and have some fun. Meeting new women has been a big ego boost for me, which I really needed, since my wife is the one that left me. I have no intention of going back, but a month ago.... I may have said yes. I think it depends on the timing. I know for a fact, if I was actively dating a woman, there is NO way I would have ever gone back to the ex.

I am actually looking forward to finally getting the divorce. I am hoping some of the women that have looked me over before, may actually stop and talk this time. :-)
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