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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're datin      Home login  
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 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 1
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I had been seeing someone for about 2 months, we never had the relationship talk, but i only date one person at a time, don't know if she was dating anyone else, i never asked, she never said.

One of my closest friends, who happens to be female, was having her birthday on a thursday in november, i told her as a birthday present, i would take her to dinner and dancing on the saturday after her birthday. these plans were made before i started dating this person, and she knew about them well in advance, she never indicated she had an issue with it, thought it was a very nice gesture.

the night before the dinner i am chatting with the person i am dating and she says, "do you have a picture of your friend" (she had never met her) so i sent her a few picture of my friend, she look at the pictures and commented on how attractive she thought she was.

I take my friend to dinner, after dinner we go dancing, we are having a great time, but she might be celibrating a little too much, now it's about 12.30 we look outside and it's been snowing really bad, my friend is drunk, she lives about an hour away, and the roads are nasty. i suggested that she stay at my place for the night, which should be no problem as i have extra bedroom.

As soon as we make this decision i use my cell to call the person i am dating and let her know the change in plans, she was asleep when i called but she thanked me for calling to let her know, i said goodnight i will talk to you tomorrow, just before hanging up the phone she said " you better leave your door open, just in case i feel like checking up on you" we both laughed and i hung the phone up and went home. Knowing how the mind works sometimes, i did leave the front door open.

My friend goes to sleep, i go to sleep (in seperate rooms) now it's 2 in the morning i wake up because someone is crawling in my bed, i turn the lights on and it's the girl i am dating.
The next morning when i get up, i noticed there was none of her clothe anywhere, i asked her where they were, she had none, she had gotten out of bed, put her coat on over what she was wearing to bed and driven for over and hour to get to my house in the snow. WTF

I had given this person no reason at all not to trust me, i kept her informed every step of the way. could i have handled this situation and differently? was it handled correctly on my part?
Was i wrong for breaking up with her soon after?
 HottieScotty
Joined: 6/9/2004
Msg: 2
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 9:06:42 AM
HUMmmmmmm....Tough question.
what if the roles were reversed.?
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 3
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 9:18:40 AM
Can't speak for anyone else scotty, but if i have an issue with it, i would say i have an issue with it, i would never tell her it's ok if it's not. I totally understand someone not liking that, what i can't relate to is saying one thing while doing the opposite, that to me is very deceptive.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 9:29:40 AM
It was interesting. Thinking about the subject but not yet reading the tread my first inclination was that it shouldn't be a problem, particularly if there is a reason for it. Drinking and inclement weather certainly qualify and particularly with an extra bedroom, your new girlfriend should be happy she is with a man that would not allow a friend to endanger herself by driving under those circumstances.

I think anyone might be insecure about the situation but most deal with it quietly within themselves. Actually feeling the need to come to your house to make sure you were sleeping alone is not a good sign and you really need to think carefully before you continue the relationship. I was married to a very jealous man for 15 years and it is horrible being suspected by someone you love when you are innocent of any wrongdoing.

This could be a momentary or initial insecurity but it sounds like it is her jealous nature just beginning to show itself. Proceed cautiously if at all. Galavanting also makes a good point, she did not care how your friend would feel when she found her there in the morning either, probably wanted her to find her there so that she could stake out her territory.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 5
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 10:17:00 AM
Judy, if i am not in a commited relationship with someone, who sleeps at their house is really none of my business, is it? But even if we had the talk and was in fact in a relationship, i would not really be bothered by this, not in the least, i have no control over what another person does, so why spend my time stressing about it.

And as for leaving my warm bed to go check up on her, Not in a million years would such an idea cross my mind.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 6
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Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 10:18:44 AM
The OP was merely trying to be considerate in letting his current girlfriend know what had happened and it was also an intelligent way to avoid any misunderstandings later that might fuel an overactive imagination, i.e. I thought you said she was not spending the night?

Many people do not lock their doors and he is not being contradictory in being concerned about her behavior when he "let" her come over both by telling her about changing the plans and the fact that he did not get off the phone, run over and lock the door in case an axe murderer was running amok in the snow.

He has been considerate and honest, it has nothing to do with determining whether this behavior is indicative of a much wider jealous streak or a weak moment at the beginning of a relationship when most people are somewhat insecure.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 7
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 2:04:46 PM
just for the record i did not end the relationship because she came over that night, i ended it because of the obvious lack of communication.

communication to me in a relationship is huge, that is why i felt the need to make the last call, i told her the situation was going to be one way, when that changed, i felt the need to let her know, if i had not called, what would i have done the next day, keep the fact that my friend stayed over from her? and if she found out at a later date, would that not make it out to be more than it was?. that would make it seem like i was hiding something.

If she had communicated to me that she had a problem with it, my friend still would have stayed at my house, but i may have driven to her house and spent the night, insecurities i can deal with, lack of communication, that's a bigger issue.

P.S

Judy, post number 5 made the point of leaving a warm bed to drive for over an hour in the snow.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 8
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 2:50:10 PM
No apology required judy, we all skip over half of the responses in the forums right.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 9
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 6:01:51 PM
janet maybe it's just me but i honestly don't see the difference between a "guy friend" and a "woman friend" a friend is a friend. We all have friends male and female, i have never subscribed to the notion that the opposite sex can't be friends without sex coming between them.

And for the record i did suggest that she joined us if she wished, she said no she would feel like she was intruding and that it was fine, she was totally cool with it.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 10
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/20/2007 7:48:32 PM
AHHHHHHHHH Janet, nowhere in my post does it says i was in a exclusive relationship with this lady,I made that very clear in my first paragraph.

Of course if i was in a exclusive relationship i may have handled the situation differently!!!! but my friend staying in a hotel and me having an extra bedroom would not be one of my options. Besides your friends are never "guest" they are friends and friends don't let friends stay in hotel rooms nor do they let them drink and drive.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 11
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/21/2007 6:20:40 AM
I think what i am saying in that situation Janet is, to be in an exclusive relationship with someone you would have to know them alot better than just dating, if i had known her better them i would have known that it bothered her even if she said it did'nt. I would not have taken her literally.

A guy that's married for awhile ask his wife what's wrong honey and she says "nothing" is not going to believer that, he knows her well enough to know something is bugging her.

I already said in my earlier post, if she had told me it bothered her i would have handled it differently.

I ASSUMED she was telling me the truth. But if i knew her better, I would not be stupid enough to take her literally, and would have made make adjustments to the situation accordingly.
 Mortavius
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 12
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/21/2007 4:53:32 PM
I can see where the Jealousy would have come in. She was simply marking you as HERS.

If you were serious about her, you wouldn't have minded. You'd have thrown her down, spread her open, and given her the reASSurance that she needed.

Instead, you broke up with her, confirming any suspicions she may have had. Whether or not those suspicions are based in fact is irrelevant. You've confirmed her worst fears by breaking up with her over another woman.

You left the door open at her request. You agreed to the possibility of her coming over. And now, you are angry?

Angry that someone you CLAIMED to be "interested" in came over naked into YOUR bed? She didn't throw a fit, she didn't make a scene... she came over, and quietly slipped into your bed, NAKED, for some loving and to reinforce her claim on you.

And, instead of using the opportunity to strengthen the relationship by securing her trust, and a greater control of all future situations by establishing a pattern of "See, nothing was happening" in her mind, what did you do? You broke up with her.

Here's a clue. Women's love and faith is tied very closely to their memories. Women make a memory trail of their beloved (which is why gifts given, and things done at just the right time make them feel loved), and if they have more instances in their memory of their BF being perceived as a heel than a hero..... their feelings die.

If nothing were happening between you and your friend in the first place, then why would you be so angry if your GF decided to verify, after being signaled that it would be OK to do so? Something isn't quite right in Peoria. I think there are details that have been omitted... because if you care for someone, and they come over to your house naked and slip into your bed quietly, the LAST thing you do is throw them out!

You didn't throw your "friend" out drunk in the snow, but you'd throw your GF out naked?

There is something contradictory about this.
 Mortavius
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 13
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/21/2007 5:28:35 PM
WTF? Did I miss the part where he's a fire hydrant and she's a dog? Give me a break. Don't say it's okay...then drive an hour & half in pissy weather..naked in a coat!..and climb into bed with someone.


Human beings have animalistic drives. This is common knowledge. This has also been the subject of MULTIPLE scientific investigations. Now, if you want to argue territorial behavior with me, then we can get into the dynamics of it, and I can point out as many examples as you need to understand that YES, he IS in fact "the fire hydrant", and she "the dog" in this case.

Second, she DIDN'T say it was ok. She said "Leave the door open in case I want to come check on you".

Perhaps you need to take a reading comprehension class. In fact, perhaps you need some class in General.... since I was expressing my opinion, and not inviting you to personally attack ME because you don't agree. As proof of your disagreement, you offer a quaint little analogy about a dog and fire hydrant. Show me, then, if you disagree, that humans AREN'T just a higher order of animal... and if you point to the Bible as proof, I'm going to be very dissappointed.



In addition, MortaviASS - I love the whole - "Oh my god! You were so mean to her!!". Whilst using phrases like "spead her open and give her reASSurance". Ummm what's the word?? CONTRADICTORY?? yes..I think that's it.


That is what she was seeking. Some women are turned on by this, and in this case, this is what she was seeking. Otherwise, why would she come over naked and slide into his bed? You claim I was mean, when I was simply using darker humor to illustrate my point.... and it is INDEED what she wanted. You claim that I am contradictory, and that I am "mean" because I used an expression that YOU don't agree with.

So, YOU and YOUR opinions of what constitute "meaness" are universal? Can you say the word EGO-CENTRIC? I think that the blond dye has taken the stero-typical role of Ditz to your head.

THAT, my dear, is an example of meaness.... what I just said to you there. And there is nothing contradictory about that.

Get off my back.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 14
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/21/2007 6:11:30 PM
No Janet my friend was not a former girlfriend nor was she fwb, or a future girlfriend, she was simply my friend, plain and simple. I broke up with her a few days later, because after we talked about the the following day, we could not come to any kind of understanding about what happened.

I tried getting across to her how communication was very important to me, she did not share that opinion, so we agreed to disagree and move on.



If i had given her any sign or if my actions had shown her i could not be trusted, then i could understand her actions::::: but since i went out of my way to make sure she knew exactly what was going on, her coming over trying to catch me doing something, only showed me that she still had issues from her past she needed to work on. And was not really ready for the kind of relationship i was ultimately looking for.
 Mortavius
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 15
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/21/2007 6:35:45 PM

Lets see what's next? Oh yes. Reading comprehension classes. Or some class in general. Well, I'll think about. Scoring in the top 2% of the country in my little ISTEP tests seems pretty good. Of course, there is always room for improvement.


That's lovely. I scored in the top 1% on my ASVAB when I was tested for the Marines.... and that is WITH having dyslexia, but, there's always room for improvement


Next boarding school in England - where I studied Classical Civilisation, Theology and Politics. Then, I went on to attend the Univerisity of Southampton...and graduated with a 1st in Politics and International Relations. Oh - and I spent 6 months in India as a teacher. EGO - CENTRIC? I'm just getting started.


You want a cookie? It's lovely that you may or may not have done all those things. It's pitiful that you feel the need to wave it about as if it were a penis, in an attempt to assert a superior position... but here, how about I just say "OK, you Win". Whatever little competition you have in your mind, you win.


The "you are mean" = I was not calling you mean. I was implying that you don't agree with the OP..ie: that he was treating HER mean. I can assure you..that if I was going to personally attack you, I would have put together a better collective of adjectives.


Of course I picked up on that... and I picked up on the fact that from ONE little fragment in ONE of my posts you DECIDED that I was a chauvanist, and, more often than not, chauvanistic behavior is accompanied with "mean-ness". You, if I am to believe what you are telling me about yourself, should KNOW how far implications can go..... should know what Meta-Language is.... and know how to make the leaps of logic that would enable you to SEE how easily it is to set up a chain of "MortaviASS = Chauvanist = Mean".

You are, after all, superior to me in reasoning, are you not? You were able to expertly deduce my ENTIRE view of women from one single post fragment, without even reading the REST of my posts over several days. You, from one simple encounter, can hyper-cogitate my ENTIRE life experience, thoughts, moods, world views, and relationships.

I bow to you, oh great Buddha. You are the epitome of what it is to be awakened and enlightened. How could I EVER know the sheer intellect of the one that is able to know the ENTIRE diamond, from seeing only an abstraction of one of its facets on a virtual paper medium.

All is clear, oh wise one.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 16
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/21/2007 7:02:11 PM
Could we please make an attempt to not stray too far off topic, the forums are a place to express ourselves, lets not turn it into a place to insult each other, i don't think that's the original intent.

THANKS JANET, after trying to rebut your arguments all day, i am glad to know i made some headway.

And really Janet which guy in his right might will not leave his door open for a beautiful naked girl.
 ladykat
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 17
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Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/23/2007 7:23:51 AM
I feel you handled the situation like a true man and only wish you would give a class on it. Her problem definately not yours. I do believe that friends should not be hidden like a secret from someone you are dating. Bring them out in the open and you can all be friends with no secrets.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 18
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/23/2007 7:56:23 AM
I only date one person at a time but was not in an exclusive relationship with her, was that sending a double message?. I don't think so, that was only my choice, i never asked her if she was only dating me alone nor did i care. I have learned the hard way that dating more than one person at a time only confuses my life!!!

I told her about taking my friend out about 3 weeks into starting to date her, so she knew well in advance. she was also invited at that point to join us, an invitation that she declined.

I live in vacouver so snow is not the norm here but the exception, even if it has been snowing alot more than normal this year.

I never called her as some kind of test, i called her because the plans had changed, this is another lesson i have learned the hard way in the past!! if i had not called and she had found out at a later time, history says it would not have looked good in her mind, it may have come across as me having something to hide.

finally i broke up with her because when we talked about what happened , I came to realize we had a different way of thinking on things i thought we very important!!!!

I have always been the type of person that say i mean and totally mean what i say. So if the situation was reversed i would have told her if it bothered me.

I tried expressing to her my point of view about communication, i can't help her with her insecurities if she keeps those same insecurities from me.

A lack of communication is always going to be a huge deal breaker for me in any relationship.
I could tell from our conversations that she had a different opinion about that, so i choose to end the relationship.

Nice to know my profile made you laugh, was going for a different approach.

 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 19
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/23/2007 1:00:19 PM
Well penpalgirl turns out through our conversations after the incident that she was bothered by this from the first time i mentioned it to her. Yet we have had many conversation about communication and it's importance in a relationship, but she kept this to herself for 5 weeks.

If it bothered her so much why not tell me, give me a chance to do something about it.
I told her that in the future if i was doing or planning to do something that she was not happy with, maybe the best thing to do is to bring it to my attention so we can talk about it and hopefully resolve it!!!!!! she told me she was not sure if she could do that. She though that if she had told me she might come across as insecure and petty, and that maybe i would think she was trying to come between me and my friend.

I got the impression that she would rather hold things in and try to deal with them in her own way, than give me the impression she insecure.!!!!!I explained that we are all insecure in some ways, and that the best way to deal with insecurities is to face them and bring them out into the open. she did not share that point of view, so i was sure that if the situation came up again, it would be handled the same way by her.

I can't do my part to resolve an issue, if i don't know there is one!
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 20
Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/23/2007 1:46:38 PM
LOL welcome back Janet. I think there is a difference between dating someone exclusive and being in an exclusive relationship. Janet if i choose to only date someone exclusively, that's my choice, she could be dating anyone she wanted, if we are in an exclusive relationship, that's both our choices, we have made a commitment to each other, to only see each other.

Hope that clears it up for you Janet.
 pokahontas
Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 21
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Is it ok for your friend(opposite sex) to sleep over, if you're dating someone.
Posted: 1/23/2007 7:55:13 PM
OP I think you did right by calling your friend that you were dating no matter what the time to let her know that the plans had changed. That shows that you respected her enough and cared enough to let her know what was going on. You were not trying to hide anything. And leaving the door unlocked really showed that if she wanted to come over then come on cause I don't have anything to hide.

As for her driving an hour in the bad weather was a bit much. But being that your relationship was new I don't think that was grounds to end the relationship unless there was more to it that you haven't said.
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