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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they ar      Home login  
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 LeanGerman2
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 7
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I can't say i would be ecstatic about something like that.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 18
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Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 2:15:10 AM
I suppose it's nice to fantasize about managing multiple partners, but I've never seen anyone do it from a practical perspective.
One at a time is usually hard enough.
But anyone who actually thinks they need more than me, I'd prefer they be honest and up front about it.
Remeber, what ever freedom you want for yourself, you must be willing to grant me as well.
 Wild Heart
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 20
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:14:42 AM
I would prefer someone tell me up front. A lie is a lie is a lie.....

There are others who are interested in this lifestyle. Why would one waste their time going after people and lying just to be with someone who doesn't share this interest/lifestyle?

I see this as anything else. When I say on my profile I am looking for a certain age range and then get emails from people outside that age range.....well, I don't say poly is what I am looking for either - so both emails would be of no interest to me.
 Onaturel
Joined: 1/10/2007
Msg: 27
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:26:46 PM
I think maybe it's the cheating aspect that is getting everyone riled up.

This thread is becoming a 'defend your lifestyle' thread, which is not why the OP asked the question.


From my understanding of Poly, and I've had personal experieince with this, it is about open communication between all partners. Often both the man and women (married or not) have other partners. This means LOTS of communication in order for it to work, the more people the more complicated it can get. So NO I can't see how this woul dbe the easy way out.

Is it cheating if they know you are going on a date?
Cheating defined = is lying, deceiving, to mislead, fool, with holding information from another.

In a poly relationship there is said to be none of this. I have seen partners go to great lenghts to make everyone involved feel loved, apprieciated and like they are number one.
If you are truely poly you WILL tell any new people u date. Lying about it is not an option.

I agree if the person says they accept it, but don't want to know when you are going out.... then they likely haven't accepted it and are just hoping you'll get over this phase you are going through.

I can see that this would not be for everyone, it's a life style preference. It's only fair to your partner that they know your preference so they can decide to continue the relationship with you or not.


Happy fishing.



 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 28
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Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/12/2007 10:30:18 AM
a sweet fishy seyz:

nipoleon, I have never once met a TRUE polyamorous person who DIDN'T allow their partners to be also. That makes no sense.


I agree. If a person cannot handle their own jealousy or other feelings when their mates have other partners, then IMO they are disrespecting their mates. The whole point of polyamory is the philosophy behind it.

Some people have relationships with multiple people and they have a closed system... that may have started with the Vee not wanting the others to have multiple partners. Personally, I think that is selfish and a control thing, but I'm sure every situation is unique. Besides, everyone has the potential to be selfish.

New partners not knowing you are polyamorous is being selfish, whether they can deal with hearing about it or not. That only applies if they are looking for a relationship. You can't go on lying to people. If they just want a one night stand... well, I guess you call that however you want.

As an aside to miss flirting with polyandry... I'm curious how your vision of this is not precisely polyamory, but more like a better business arrangement for the queen? IMO if you open the sea up to yourself, then you have to open yourself up to the sea. Play little fishies, and play safe, but don't go finding a pseudo-psychological justification for lying to people or leading people on. That does nothing for the cause of lifestyle acceptance.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 29
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Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/12/2007 8:32:29 PM
sorry for the confusion -- I meant to say that judythecuety seems to have an unfair double-standard unequating polyandry with polyamory.
 dirtygirlnedded
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 33
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 7/25/2007 10:15:27 PM
monogamous people are so boring, always whining about lying and cheating and wah wah wah, my feelings are hurt ... just f*ck as much as you can while you can, that's what life's all about.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 39
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:21:33 PM
I have been surprised to find many people tell me they would prefer someone 'cheating' on them and lying about it compared to being told upfront that someone is polyamorous.


If you are hearing lies from supposed poly-participants, you are running in circles that are not the norm. I know enough poly parties to attest, that part of their reality and the draw to that lifestyle is the honesty associated with such living arrangements.


IMPORTANT NOTE: This question is ONLY to people that say or feel they would prefer such a thing. So if you don't feel that way, please don't start venting or flaming me for the question. I mean no disrespect and I am not trying to advocate cheating! I'm just trying to understand something I don't get :) Oh, and for those of you that don't know what polyamory is, wikipedia gives a nice overview.


Polarized threads are not allowed here. Anyone is free to answer and should be allowed and welcomed to do so in my opinion. What good are opinions only from one select group? Learning about lifestyle choices is a very personal thing ~ pro or con, all opinions are valuable. You should just take from them what you choose to find value in. I am in no way shape or form pro-poly for me personally, I'm much too territorial and private. I don't share my man or my shoes. That doesn't mean I'm anti-poly, it means that for me ~ it's not an option. What someone else can live with doesn't have to be my way or no way. I just don't have to choose to participate. What a shame if I didn't know some of those people I have met during my research/journey of self/and education. Just because I can't live in that particular venue, doesn't mean I don't get it ~ it means it's not for me. It truly is: to each their own. Oddly, some of those households are much happier than many of the monogamous couples I came to know over time. Odd maybe, but factual in my travels. JMO
 dudeish
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 44
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/16/2007 9:51:10 PM
They should tell you up front so that if you are not interested in being "the other woman/man" that you don't have all of the feelings tied in when the truth does come out!
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 47
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/14/2010 8:12:24 PM
OP, I would rather know upfront if a man has other partners. I'm cheating myself if I put blinders on and not want to know. Knowing means I have a choice to either stick around or walk. Since I'm not ok with it, then I would walk. I guess some people think ignorance is bliss.
 Bagherra
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 49
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Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 6/14/2011 12:14:17 PM
I've been in monogamous relationships & I've been in wide-open relationships.
For me, the optimum seems to be a sort of conditional polyamorous love.

I do mean love. Poly practised wisely is about a lot more: - intimacy, trust, space & safety for growth & change whilst staying connected.
The connections can be very strong - almost bombproof. There is hardly ever any reason not to be completely... comprehensively honest. The togetherness is willful. Its not about following rules & patterns, its about seizing the day, making big choices & a magnitude of acceptance & love.
The sex is often very good - but it doesn't have to be, it just has to be real. Sex, becomes its just the tip of the iceberg. A sign if you will - that all is good in the hearts of those involved. If someone wasn't happy to be a member of a poly group with me - I would be very forward in encouraging them to consider themselves first. Poly groups are very good at coping with change. They can be incredibly supportive. What they don't cope with well is deceit. They are not for the faint of heart or desire.
For much of my life, poly relationships have been pretty much the majority in my social circle, if not the norm. Frequently they are in fact the norm.
When I'm in a poly relationship, I find that I need a 'prime' connection or principal partner. Ideally we look together for others to join us.

I'd like to make one thing clear though. There is more trust in a poly relationship. More sharing, more interdependence.
They can also be a lot more work... but they *can* be worth it.

- Peace.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 51
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 6/14/2011 3:50:48 PM
For one to have a polyamourous relationship ALL persons involved need to be WILLING participants, therefore, ALL persons need to be given the CHOICE as to whether or not they want to be in a poly relationship. If they do not know, then it's CHEATING, plain and simple.

If YOU choose to live a poly lifestyle, that's your prerogative, but you have NO RIGHT to force it on someone else by pretending to be monogamous, all the while screwing other people. Every person you're with has the right to choose for themselves whether or not they are willing to be in a poly relationship with you. Tell them how you are right away and give them the respect they deserve to know the truth. Anything less shows a lack of integrity on your part.
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