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 bluedew
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 4
Post a JOKEPage 1 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
What do you call a brunnette and 2 blondes standing on a street corner?

Regular price, $5, $5.
 pandora220665
Joined: 6/14/2006
Msg: 5
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/26/2007 5:55:38 PM
Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death last week of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny
 hansumfool
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 13
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/28/2007 7:32:45 PM
did they take the right leg out lol x4livin
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 22
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:42:37 PM
A litte girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep wittle wabbith?"

The shopkeeper smiles, gets down on one knee so he's at her level and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and furry black wabbit?"

She leans forward and replies, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a f–k!"
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 23
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:44:12 PM
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister, you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 24
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:45:15 PM
A fella appears in court requesting a divorce. After reviewing the papers, the judge asks, "Tell me why I should grant this."

"Because," the man replies, "we live in a two-storey house."

"What kind of reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-storey house?"

"Well, Your Honour, "one story is, 'I have a headache' and the other story is, 'It's that time of the month.'"
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 25
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:45:57 PM
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After about 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead came ashore and was declared runner-up.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde staggered out of the water, stumbled to the finishing line and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she gasped, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 26
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:46:46 PM
A man walking along Bondi Beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 27
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:52:52 PM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple o f aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $399.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time...
PRICELESS!!!
 B. Diva
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 30
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 10:19:12 PM
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, and asked for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 32
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:11:20 AM
Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 33
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:15:54 AM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a Suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I Stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 34
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:19:51 AM
LMOA! too funny!! no apologies necessary HT, your joke was really very good. That Jack better quit that drinkin while he is ahead or else the wife may end up with the boss for good.
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 35
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:22:30 AM
Successful Sons
Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 36
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:24:58 AM
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fast away from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fast back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex problem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 40
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:50:57 AM
One day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 41
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:54:10 AM
Three ranchers were sitting around a campfire one night when one rancher started complaining about his useless cattle dog.

"I'd give $100 to anybody who can make him do anything on command," he spat. "Watch this."
The rancher commanded his dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result.

The second rancher said, "Give me a go."
He commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. After an hour he gave up in disgust.

The third rancher stands up and says, "I'll take that $100."
Then he grabs the dog, throws him into the campfire and yells, "Get out of there, boy!"
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 42
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:55:23 AM
What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?

You let the pit bull finish.
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 43
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:56:51 AM
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."


 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 44
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:10:52 AM
A woman in her 50's visited her doctor. She was really down.

"Doc", she says, "I dont know what to do, my husband is just not interested in sex anymore, he's having a hard time getting an erection."

"If something isn't done soon, I'm afraid my marriage won't make it" she cried. "Can you help us?"

"Of course I can help you out" replies the Doctor, "stop worrying, here, take this powder and sprinkle it on his food, this will fix him right up!"

So, when the woman returns to the doctors office for her next appt he can't help but ask how the powder worked.

"Oh yes, it worked fine" she stammers, her face turning red. "but the results weren't as I expected."

"Well, tell me what happened." the doctor states.

"Well, I got all dressed up, looked my best, sprinkled the food with the powder as you instructed, he ate all his dinner." she mumbled, her eyes downcast. "When we were done eating, he took his arm, swiped off all the items from the table, food, wine, dishes all went crashing to the floor. He picked me up, threw me on the table. and WOW, what a wild half hour that was!" she exclaimed.

"But, I thought that's what you wanted!" the doctor said.

"Hell Yes!" she replied, "But we'll never be allowed back in that restaurant again!"
 behind deep blue eyes
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 45
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:28:22 AM
Ok, this one is a tad long, but trust me, it is sooo worth it! It is frikken hilarious!


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be a ll that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a t wo-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head ****d to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,
Stupid
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 46
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 3:18:59 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^ NO kidding! LOL!


Both caught!!!!

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best
friend.
They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover
looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that
you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that? Oh,
she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time
he's having with you on his fishing trip."

 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 49
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/10/2007 7:16:03 AM
LOL!!! ^^^^ too funny!
 peach_
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 51
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/11/2007 6:50:06 AM
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 dfctr
Joined: 1/5/2007
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/12/2007 12:10:46 AM
from the sub-continent

a peasant was busy ploughing his fields on a hot day. Lord Shiva's wife 'P' is pleased by the hard work put in by the fella and insists on Shiva to grant a wish to the man. Shiva is horrified by the thought, but has to budge, not to displease the "real boss".

he appears b4 the farmer and tells him about the plot. the farmer is pissed off on this hermit trying to disturb his routine. upon much thinking he settles for not one but three wishes since he wont have just one.

Wish One: My bull has two big horns (as the ones in the sub-continent), make them one.

Wish 2: Lord Shiva, shove em up ur ass.

Wish 3: restore the horns!!!!!!
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