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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person      Home login  
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 1
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other personPage 1 of 1    
I'm still so angry. I am trying hard to let go. But after almost 5 years and being married to this man, I never thought he would leave me much less leave me for another woman that he was cheating with. It's hurtful, embarrassing, painful, makes me angry and sad and mixed up.

And I don't know how to get over it. I know that I need to because the pain of the betrayal is poisoning my new life. I had the first panic attack of my life one night thinking about it and I don't want to hurt any more. I want it to be over, so I can move on, so I can be happy again.

Now all I want to do is hide from the world, watch TV and live alone in a dark room. I feel like I'll never be able to love someone again. That it's hurt so much that I can't love again. I've cut all contact, moved away, asked friends not to tell me about seeing them together - and all this has made me able to function again, able to stop crying.

But I had hoped there would be more I could do to heal. I want to be happy again. I want to be whole again and to stop hating him. I want to stop being angry and hurt. And think of a good life and a good future for myself. It's so hard when your best friend and life partner betrays you in such a horrible way. What else can I do to speed my healing? What has worked for you?
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 2
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 5:03:21 AM
YES, you are normal. It took me about seven years to completely heal from the last relationship. Sometimes that sucks.

You should feel what you feel and eventually you learn to feel something new.

Good luck.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 3
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Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 5:36:15 AM
I am sorry that you are in so much pain - I can feel it in your words...

What has worked for me is that I would think back - try to recall the red flags that I missed and learn from my mistake of not seeing them at the time - they *were* there! Life is a learning process and this is an excellent time for growth. I also had to forgive myself for putting myself in the situation to be mistreated and for not wanting to acknowledge the red flags. I also had choices and I had to be accountable for my participation in the demise of the relationship. Then I had to come to the realization that what he did was not personal - he would have left any relationship for the other woman. After I was able to do the latter, only then was I able to forgive him. Please, do not confuse forgiving with condoning. Once I was able to forgive him for being self-centered and only looking out for himself, was I able to move forward.

What I've referred to is a process - don't put yourself in a situation where you are frustrated with your lack of progress - give yourself permission to move slowly and make mistakes, as well as, permission to feel the pain and frustration of what has occurred.

I tried to 'go around' the issue... that didn't work well for me. I had to go 'though' it before I was able to regain my sense of self again.

I wish you the very best!!
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 4
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 10:17:56 AM
You did the right thing, by cutting all contact, and asking friends not to talk about the other person/s.

This is what works well for me, and I feel that I have perfected the healing process. Lucky me.

1. When in a new relationship, leave your old baggage at the door.

2. Do take the time to get to know the other person, and do not rush into things. For instance, make sure that the little quirks that they have which you might find very attractive at first, continue to be attractive, and do not turn into annoying bad habits that you just can’t stand.

3. If you want to trust them from the beginning, then do so. Let them enjoy their private time, and give them space to be with their friends without you having to be there as well.
If on the other hand, you cannot trust them fully, let them know that you have some issues from the past, and give them the opportunity, to take this into consideration. Do not pretend to be trusting when you are not, because you will end up laying awake at nights wondering what they are doing and with whom. The imagination can do great damage to the psyche, even if the suspicion is unfounded.

4. If you are not completely over your ex, or they are not over theirs, perhaps you should give it more time, before you start a relationship. If you are worried about someone else stepping in, then try to be just friends at first. Keep it casual.

5. If you do start a relationship, then enjoy it, and don’t think about “what if’s” or “what might have beens.” Enjoy the moment for what it is, and not what might happen down the road.

6. If things go sour, and you get hurt, break all contact completely. This means no more phone calls. If they all you, use your caller ID, and do not accept their calls. Once you are not good enough, you will always be just a crutch for them, until someone better comes along.

7. Enjoy the misery. No, I am not kidding. Buried underneath the pain, saddness, and self doubt, is a twinkle of pleasure as well. Music becomes more meaningful, and so do sad movies. Enjoy them for the pain that they can provide.
Many will say that this is crazy, but this is why so many hold on to the pain for so long, because deep down inside, they enjoy it on a subconscious level.

8. VERY IMPORTANT: Let the misery take it’s course, and do not attempt to mask it by acting as if the world is full of unicorns and sugar berries. If you feel the need, sleep for a week without getting out of bed. Eat foods that are bad for you. If your brain is wants you to think about the other person, then let it (but do not make contact with them).
Like a virus, emotional pain has to run its course, or it will not go away for a very long time. Treat it like a bad case of the flu. Don’t try to fight it, but do things for yourself to make it more barable. Take time off of work if you must.

9. DO NOT hold on to the suffering any longer then you have to. Eventually, it will start getting better. This is the point where people want to hold on to the misery, because it is at least something that they own.
Once you are feeling better, do not fool yourself into believing that just talking on the phone with the offender is ok. It will throw you back into the depression, and will re-open the wound, and you might actually have to start the healing process all over again.

10. Once you feel that you are healed, or even before that, do not jump on the first ship that comes along. Give yourself free time to regain all of your bearing and sanity.
Remember, leave your baggage from your last relationship in the dumpster. If you are still carrying it when you meet someone new, it is not fear to the new person.

11. Remember that the new person is NOT the person from your past. She or he, will not neccassarily do the same “bad” things that the other one did.

12. You might get hurt again, and again, and again. It’s part of life, but hiding from it, will also keep you from the great highs that a relationship can bring.

13. No matter how unsuccesful you feel in love, one day, you might very well look back on the bad experiences with fond memories, and know that you have learned a great deal about life, and that you have drank some great wine, as well as a lot of vinegar.

14. Bad experiences, if you allow them do make you stronger. They teach much better worth while lessons then just the good things.

15. If all else fails, masturbate into bliss.
Joined: 12/21/2005
Msg: 5
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 2:18:45 PM

Been there done that.. You've got your whole life ahead of you, you need to get out and do things that make you happy.. The longer you sit at home and dwell on the past the more it pains you deep inside.. I've been through it my uncle was married for 14 years and happend to him and it takes a long time and it hurts but its possible to be happy.. Your right you need to stop hating him for it and just get over it and make yourself happy but you need to forgive him before you move on and can be truly happy.. First off on forgiving him just learn from your relationship. Were you happy in your relationship? if the answer is yes than just say it didn't work out because we weren't meant to be. If answer is no your better off without.. YOu need to get out and not think of him and if you need to just cry out soetimes listening to music helps alot, cry it out than move on being happy.. Anyhow there are many people that have been through this and we have gotten over it, you can too.. Hold your head up and start believeing in yourself.. You can be happy with life.. Goood luck

ps.. It wont happen over night nothing ever does but you can take it day by day and move one foot in front of the others.. Maybe work on some goals you want to accomplish in life or goals or a carreer you want or something you want to do that you never done before. Hope this helps
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 6
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 7:28:27 PM
hi, i;m just getting dealing with that now. She cheated on me and left me for this other guy. And i can say no good is going to come of it. I can see her geting hurt. All you can do is take it one day at a time and try to move on. Its going to be rough, no one said it was going to be easy. Just have to try to pick yourself up and go on. This will be the second time i have been cheated on it its no fun at all. But i know i;m a better person then what they are. Because i was the one that was loyal and faithful. Remeber, he's was the one that let you down, and was the one that broke your trust and loyality. All the best luck to you..
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 7
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 8:31:39 PM
OP you said > "Now all I want to do is hide from the world, watch TV and live alone in a dark room"

Instead of that I put my head down and did work related computer work for three years. Eighteen hours a day - seven days a week. I had a 20 year run (with her) to get over.

At about that time I started feeling something. It took about another week to understand what I was feeling - it was a sense of pride for all that work I had done.

It helped (not fully but) to keep my mind off of my sadness but it was also constructive. That was the first sense of anything except sadness for three years. My mom had also died during that three years. I had lost my two best friends 18 months apart.

Instead of watching TV (that is 100% inactive) think of something that requires your interaction. Becoming active starts/keeps you thinking forward vs backwards.

Motion creates motivation - motivation creates action - action creates thinking of the future.

Just pull the curtain shut on the past - turn around - smile and take action on the rest of your life.

If anyone wants to change what they are feeling - stand up and start moving around - that simple process starts to change what we are feeling.

When kids are bored and seem down. A smart mommy says "go do something". If that something is constructive it is even better - it gives a sense of accomplishment and that feels good.

(I then dove into personal development and have not looked back since)
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 8
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Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 10:04:52 PM
Just keep with these forums I have some new friends on here that have really helped me with my confidence level and allowing me to see that I am not a bad person. Time will help and just know that things will get better.
Joined: 2/12/2007
Msg: 9
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 10:36:53 PM
To get over it?

In a sense you are lucky because there are no children involved and hopefully you will get over it sooner.

It happened to me august 2005. He left saying I'll be back in 6 months. Moving straight with a w**re. A woman with no substance a woman who was after money, left her own child in Asia to come and study here and opportunity aroused for her on our expense so she gets everything paid while studying.

I know my ex still loves me, I know, 2 weeks before he left he held me and sighed I knew something was wrong. He still hides the woman. Until 6 months ago he even denied such person existed. That makes it even harder for me. He doesn't want our daughter to take her pictures she doesn't answer their home phone. He still wears what I bought him. That makes it hard for me to get over it all, what is his purpose?

I didn't tell my relatives and some friends for a long long time, I didn't want opinion on what went wrong. Not many people understand. They will say things that you don't want to hear. You even may get angry to hear negative comments about your ex. So you are doing a good job not telling and keeping away but don't keep to far away I am sure you need some contact. Just stay away from negative sorts.

I am getting over it but the fact they cheat makes you not to trust many and it is hard to form relationships. If a person is really genuine and is meant for you, they will follow you to the other side of the world, if they genuinely love they will be patient and will never give up they will find you no matter how hard.

Being cheated on you start doubting yourself but as [bold] mesg3 [/bold] says it’s not personal they can't help it. I know my ex LOVED me but he can't help himself. I was telling someone the other day he set me free and I feel sorry for him because he has now caged himself with a manipulating greedy woman who loves him not for him.

You are free and he is caged. You are young with no dependants, go and thank your lucky star he could have done the best thing on earth for you. Two of my cousines who had the same happened to them didn't give up they had two children each, both went and studied law, one at the age of 27 the other 44 one is a prosecutor and the other works in family law.

Plan for what you want then imagine yourself there, give it reality and with colours and go and get it. One thing I told a friend who is very bitter about it and makes me angry is STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY DID TO US and instead lets talk about what we could do to them, and that is SUCCESS.

About 12 years ago I heard a story about this Anglo Indian girl my friend new in Portugal her husband left her for another woman in England, a year or so latter she met this very caring loving honest millionaire and married him and went to Portugal see how her ex helped her succeed.

I am not saying wait for a man to come. Both my cousins succeeded on their own. YOU are young you can do it. if you can afford it plan a trip spring is coming your way when things seem happier, get out and fulfil your dreams while you have been given a second chance. He left because he wasn't worthy of you.

He doesn't want our daughter to take her pictures she doesn't answer their home phone.

Wait for that especial person if he is worth it he will follow you to the end of the world. He will never give up he will see nothing as impossible and he will do anything in his power to find you. He will never take No for an answer what is meant to be will be if no one does that, wait and I promise you time will tell all and cure all.

[bold] I promise you there is always good in all bad. Wait and see. [/bold]

Good Luck with your recovery and your new fantastic fabulous future ahead of you.
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 10
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 10:44:12 PM
Yeah, I've been where you are too. Except it was a woman who cheated on me with a guy who was married with 2 kids... Anyway, for the first several months, you need to just fight your feelings and focus on your own life. Make a goal for yourself that's non-relationship related. What I did was focussed on going to the gym and losing a lot of weight. The point is, after a while, you'll start focussing on something that's about bettering yourself. Once you feel better about yourself, you'll realize you can love again, you can meet people, and there eventually will be someone who will make you happy and won't betray you. Sounds cliche now, I know... but give it time. It'll work out.
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 11
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/11/2007 11:51:51 PM
Hi Yes.

I don't know how long you've been dealing with the pain but I've been trying to sort it all out for almost 2 years.

For me I think much of my pain and difficulty comes from the degree of trust I gave her. The reason is because I was giving her my heart and soul and I think it was as close to 100% as was humanly possible.

How can I ever trust myself again?? Looking back, things are 20/20. But when I was in it I'm agast at what a fool I was to not see.

Because of this, I now wish I had reserved a bit of cynisizm. But the end result of that is a lack of intimacy which for me is equivelant to a lack of love. Obviously not an acceptable proposition.

All I can do is keep hoping that "Someday" these things won't handicap me or no longer interfer in my life.
Joined: 1/29/2007
Msg: 12
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:53:49 AM
what a B.S. cut things off with someone completely just because you might think they are going to or have cheated on you without even getting an explanation from that person is ridiculous. This happed with my fiance who listened to something a 'friend of a friend' told her about me that was totally off base, so she subsequently ended the relationship with an e-mail and cut off all future communication, without even bothering to ask me what I disagree with you wholeheartedly, to cut off all communication with anyone is a sign of fear and weakness!
Joined: 12/12/2006
Msg: 13
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/20/2007 3:39:41 PM
Very wise words of wisdom Parula.
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 14
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 15
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:20:11 PM

1. When in a new relationship, leave your old baggage at the door.

That one certainly is key, Geneseo.

Well, after my GF of 4-1/2 yrs cheated on me, I moped for a few months, and then decided to change things for myself. I fixed up the old rusted basketball hoop outside my house, and started shooting hoop for an hour or so every day after work all summer (lost some weight, plus it helped my mental state). I started going out w/ friends a lot more, to get out of the house. I tore up the wall to wall carpet upstairs and had the hardwood floors underneath refinished, and since I had to move all the furniture downstairs anyways, took the opportunity to paint the entire upstairs. She took almost all the furniture with her (most of my went to goodwill when she moved in), so I bought a new couch & love seat, some new bedroom furniture... took a weekend out to Cape Cod and bought some paintings (ocean scenes) while I was out there to hang in the dining room. Went to some yard sales and picked up a nice matching coffee table & end table, and found a stereo system (she took the one I bought "for her" when she moved in, and my old one the cd player was dead) for $400 (was $1700 new 4 years before, but the woman had divorced and was moving).

Basically I turned my house back into *my* house again, and tried to get out and do things more often, and take care of myself. Didn't date again for almost 2 years.

Now, per Geneseo's comment, I *thought* I was ready, but in my next relationship (2 yrs later), she really wanted to get married... and I held back (remembering the ex saying "we're going to get married and grow old and have a wonderful life together" - up until the day she walked out the door cheating on me). Bad bad thing to do. But, I suppose it also taught me that you have to go into a relationship, as Geneseo said, "checking the baggage at the door". Never made that mistake since.
Joined: 1/12/2007
Msg: 16
Getting over being cheated on and left for the other person
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:26:47 PM
women are nothing but cheaters... you can't help but think (when you hear that a woman has been cheated on) that the woman/women in question got what she/they had coming to them!
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